Title: Cruel Reality
'Uncle…'
The called person tiled his head a little. White hair stuck out clearly among the red on his head. The fifteen-year-old's joy at his uncle's head motion turned back to dull sorrow when he saw those eyes. Empty black eyes. Deep… but empty.
Though he was already fifteen, he couldn't understand why and how his uncle, who was a vibrant seventy five-year-old just two days ago, a person who was filled with energy, ardour and enthusiasm two days ago could change so much in a second. Each time he visited his uncle, which was about every two hours since that day, his heart wept. He could never express it out. No tears ever filled his eyes, and for that, he burned with anger. He wanted to let all the sorrow that filled his heart out, but he couldn't. Deep down, he got the full-blast of what he couldn't express.
It was to him that he would complain and weep to. It was to this man that he confided in, and now he felt lost.
With a sigh, Soijiro looked down to the white envelope that was crumpled in his tight grip. He could clearly remember the way his uncle's rough hands pressed the envelope into his hands, the guttural sound of his voice saying –
'Don't open that unless your source of help has been cut off, unless you feel as if the world is crumbling down on you, unless you think that you're the only one fighting this battle of life…'
He had brought the envelope with him every time he came to visit his uncle, but he never had the heart to open it. He didn't want to give up hope on him. Now, slowly, with the dark feeling of defeat bearing down on him, he ripped the envelope open.
A letter fell onto his open palms. He unfolded the letter, and… a strange sense of comfort settled in a corner of his heart.
* * * * * * * *
"Be kind to others, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle/"
Soi-chan!
Hey… how are you? I know you must be going through a very trying time right now, or else you wouldn't have opened this letter. So, now, let me tell you something I never had the guts to tell to you face to face. Let me tell you a story so that you'll know that I'm not all you picture me to be. I'm not everything that you think I am… I'm sometimes a coward who daren't even face my own nephew in small matters like this.
Listen carefully…
It was in my first year in Shohoku High that I started my basketball courier. Haruko-san was the one who motivated me to do it. She was a unique girl, with beautiful brown hair and blue eyes. True, it was after the fifty heartbreaks that you're so familiar with that this happened, but it was love at first sight, Soi… I couldn't help myself. This was the last time a girl really dumped me, and I never managed to summon up the courage to tell anyone about it up till now… but at that time, the whole world knew about my feelings for her. I was an insecure jerk at that time, and I knew no other ways to act around her except as a fool…
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'Ah… Ha – Haruko-san!!' I shouted loudly. From behind me, I heard a soft 'Idiot.' I turned a little, glaring at Rukawa with mixed feelings of hurt, embarrassment, contempt and envy rising in me. My face had began to redden rapidly.
'Sakuragi-san…. Are you alright?' Haruko asked.
'I'm just fins…I mean I'm just fine… just fine.'
Crush?... I don't think so…
'So… Ha – '
'Haruko! Let's go!' Akagi called, drops of water from his hair tainting the polished wooden floor.
'Okay, nii-chan.' Haruko ran after him, calling out her byes to all the players from over her shoulder.
I heard my heart breaking as I watched her. I stood motionless for a minute. Then, all my energy and adrenaline zapped out of me, all my heart zapped out of me, I stepped into the changing room.
~~~~~~~~
The world felt strangely surreal as clear cold water ran down my eyes. I didn't know why I felt this way. I had already known for a long time that she would never respond to me the way I wanted her to. People said that she was naïve, and she is. As for me, I could never muster enough courage to confront her with my feelings. It was a reality that I had began to accept without even realizing… so… why do I feel so numb?
~~~~~~~~
I walked back home hardly aware of the route that I was taking. The next day, I still felt strange. The picture of Haruko turning while running to her brother, the sound of her tinkling voice… these two mingled together into something that made no sense to me. It just kept coming into my mind. There were times that I even forgot who that girl was… but instead of feeling scared and worried at this sudden change in me, I just felt numb.
This numbness caused me to act saner today.
'Hanamichi…'
I turned to him, my heart skipping a beat for no reason whatsoever. There was a pause between both Yohei and me, then–
'No… nothing,' he mumbled. 'You're going to be late for basketball.'
Even as I nodded and walked off, I could hear the voices of the rest of my friends.
'What's with Hanamichi?!' Takamiya asked, a frown creasing on his forehead.
'Yeah! He doesn't even respond to us!' Noma replied, a little put-off by his friend's antics.
'Maybe he's too shocked that he didn't fail his Maths,' Okhutsu said.
'Can't be,' Takamiya said as he struggled to think. 'He was just fine yesterday, wasn't he? He played basketball pretty fine.'
~~~~~~~~
'Ouch!'
I snapped out of dreamland at that. The gym was just around the bend of the corridor. But instead of a clear view of the bend, in front of my eyes was Haruko. As I looked at her down on the floor, another feeling rose in me. leaving me more confused. A spark of hope rose, a strong sense of happiness and comfort with it, yet at the same time, just numbness. No wants to impress… no nothing.
'I'm sorry,' I muttered, reaching my hand out to pull her up. She looked at me, a light fog of confusion in her eyes, then accepted my hand, all confusion clearing. She didn't seem to be able to place the difference in me… hell, I couldn't place the difference in me that sprouted overnight!
'That's ok,' she said smiling. 'You better hurry, my brother is not exactly in a good mood today,' she added.
~~~~~~~~
After the practice, I came out of the shower only to hear Yohei asking Haruko if she thought that I was different today. I crept to the door and peeped through a small crack in the door.
'Haruko… do you think Hanamichi is acting differently?'
'… Sakuragi-san?'
'Yeah… Do you think that he's different?' Yohei mumbled, hands stuck in his pocket, eyes trained at a stray basketball on the floor.
'Different?'
There was a short pause and I saw a small smile flit across his lips.
'Never mind… it's nothing.'
Haruko bit her lips. For a moment, I thought I saw tears in her eyes, but a second later, she was applauding Yohei as he shot that stray ball that was lying onto the ground, straight into the ring.
I gathered my things and stepped onto the court.
* * * * * * * *
'Soijiro?'
The fifteen-year-old turned towards the door.
'Go back. You need sleep, dear.'
'In a while aunty.'
His aunt let out a quiet sigh. She understood a little of how he felt… sort of. She was, after all, well advanced in her years and could not fathom the way a teen's mind works. But… her husband was the kind of guy who seemed to give the impression that he had lived his life with no worries nor problems. He had seemed like a person who lived his life to the full, not regretting any second of it. His antics always caught people's attention and their love.
She closed the door as she left.
Soijiro went back to the letter.
* * * * * * * *
Everyone thought something was wrong with me then. Gossips circulated around me.
'Maybe he realizes what a jerk he had been.'
'Maybe he found out that he is just a teenager far, far below average. He's finally realized that he's not a genius.'
People thought I couldn't hear. People thought I DON'T listen. But I did, even when I was a noisy big-head, I could. I always did my best to ignore them because I felt that that was the only way a person could avoid getting hurt. Plus, I did have my own circle of friends who cared for me. So, I did it again. I ignored them all. My friends were loyal though. They never bothered with the acting. Time and again Takamiya would crack his knuckles and growl and them all. Okhutsu would always raise his fist in anger, and this time was not an exception.
'Shut UP!' Takamiya growled. The two girls who were standing with their back to us scampered away as fast as their short legs could carry them with a terrified look.
'Hey, do you think…'
'What?' Okhutsu asked.
'Do you think that's what happened?' Noma asked quietly.
'Maybe…'
'Or maybe he doesn't like Haruko anymore,' Okhutsu answered.
'Or better… maybe Haruko dumped him!!' Takamiya answered, a small smile on his face. A knot of second-year girls giggled a little at that. Takamiya glared at them. They got the message and walked off too, not giggling any longer.
'Hanamichi…'
Life pretty much went on after that. I was still a little noisy, but more matured. The new me was more accepted.
It was four months after all these when I saw them…
I was alone in the park at that time. The stars were twinkling in the night sky, and crickets were chirping merrily. It was a typical Thursday night in Japan. A wind swirled around my ankle, and I shivered a little. The streetlamps threw pools of light, making eerie shadows in the park. In that dim light, I made out the two figures in front of me. From where I was, with just the plain look at their backs, I knew who they were.
Yoehi and Haruko…
I debated with myself if I should follow them…
Yohei and Haruko…
From here I could see his hand on her waist…
Yohei and Haruko…
A hooting owl brought me back to reality. I turned around and walked back the way I came.
~~~~~~~~
The next day, Yohei came up to me.
'Hanamichi…'
'Yeah?'
'Do you… would you… I mean do you…' Yohei sighed. 'I'll be totally frank and blunt in this ok?' Without waiting for an answer, he plunged on.
'Do you still like Haruko?'
I let out a small smile.
'I saw you yesterday,' I whispered. His eyes widened in shock and horror. Guilt-stricken, he muttered apologies without stop.
'I'm so sorry… sorry, sorry… I… sorry…'
'Please,' I tried to cut across.
'I meant to tell you. Serious!'
'Look, Yohei, you don't need my permission to date a girl.'
'But…'
'That's history.'
'You mean your feelings are long gone?
There was a pause.
'I… I don't know. Yesterday, when I saw you, I felt… numb. I waited for the hurt to come, but it never came. When I stopped acting like an idiot, I know many thought that my feelings for her were gone, but they weren't. It was still there, just in a different way. But I remember, the day before that, when Haruko had said bye to us, I felt numbness spreading to me, the same numbness I felt yesterday.'
'So your feelings aren't gone?'
Another pause.
'No… I guess not, but, you don't understand. It doesn't matter, see? I think, that day, Haruko taught me something. That day when she turned to say bye, she taught me something. I don't know how she did, I just know that she did.'
Yohei raked his hair back. I was doodling on my exercise book. To be in a quiet and deserted class for once was quite a change for us.
'She taught me to love myself.' I looked up from my doodling to look straight into his eyes.
'She taught me to love myself,' I reiterated. 'That way, no one could ever hurt me too deeply, because there was still always someone who cared. And it was only through that that I could learn to love others…. And she taught me that God loves me as well. No matter who, where, when or what I am. I dunno how she taught me that, but she did.'
Another pause.
'So you're fine with it?'
'Yeah, I am…'
Is this my fifty-first heartbreak? …Maybe I'm waiting for a hurt that will never come.
You sure?'
'Yeah, I am.'
Both of us turned to star out of the window at the falling flowers. A sense of comfort unfolded between us. Our bond of friendship was comfort enough.
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Soi-chan, life is a cruel reality, but listen… love yourself. Love yourself… that's one of the most important lesson life could teach you. And, allow me to quote Plato again…"Be kind to others, because everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle"
* * * * * * * *
'Love myself?' Soijiro whispered. He looked over to his uncle. The rhythmic rise and fall of his chest soothed him. He got up and walked to the door. As he turned back to see his uncle the last time that night, he felt a familiar sensation welling up in him. A familiar burning sensation… and then, a tear slipped from his eyes and fell to the ground.
Sakuragi twitched a little.
A/N: There you go! I know very well that this is really long-winded and boring, so I really thank those who read it right up to the end. I tried to make it more interesting, but I didn't know how to. However, I've learnt… at least I hope I have, to not be sorry for my writing. *grin*. I'm quite aware, to those who know me, that I'm the last person on Earth to talk about loving myself, but… I guess I'm trying to teach myself as well. This is crappy, so do tell me how to improve on it.
I've been getting more sappy now a days… boy… *sigh*