Why am I doing this? PROCRASTINATION. I know, I know, where's the next Chapter for She who Controls the Wind? It is halfway there (oh, oh, living on a prayer!) but... I hate it so far. I keep writing chapters for this and I felt silly not publishing it. Yes, the title is a quote from the English TV Show Miranda, and yes, I myself am English. Is there such thing as an English sense of humour? Maybe. Anyway, Thornclaw is a babe and he doesn't get enough attention. Here's his fight for coolness for you all to enjoy. There is extremely mild 'naughty words', but they are very mild, like ass and bitch. I just thought I'd add in case anyone dislikes those words in particular. I don't like 'swearing' in my fics, but this is a parody, and calling someone a female dog is even more of an insult when you're a cat, let's be honest. Don't think they'd know what a bitch is? Ask yourself how they count. They know things, okay?
Are you chilling on my vibes?
"And then, that turtle made another step forward, leaving an imprint in the sand from its previous step. But that's not the best part, because then, then, are you ready for this?" Mousefur turned to her audience, expecting eager little faces, only to see sleeping faces. She sighed, "it happened again; the sheer epicness of my story knocked the small kits out. Clearly they just can't handle the thrilling conclusion to 'The Turtle of Sunning Rocks'! So sorry Ferncloud, I do hope your badly-named kits sleep well," Mousefur mumbled, keeping her voice low so as not to wake the kits. The other she-cat shook her head.
"Oh, Mousefur, it is a shame. I mean, it isn't like I bring them here deliberately so your horrendously boring stories will send them to sleep. How silly!" she threw her head back, a nervous glint in her eyes; she didn't want the elder to see through her lies. "Besides, my kits are not poorly named, Dustpelt and I have had so many we were beginning to lose track. So we wanted to start counting," Ferncloud explained, before picking up the three kits, Onekit, Twokit and Threekit, in her enormous mouth that was specially designed for carrying kits before padding out of the den. Mousefur shook her head as she watched her go.
"Honestly, so unnecessary; most cats only have a phase of being kit obsessed. That one just never stopped!" she muttered to herself. She herself had no idea how that she-cat hadn't died of kit-birth already. She really needed to get out the series. She didn't even have a decent character. The Erins failed on that part… Hold on… Mousefur became very confused as she completely forgot when she had just thought.
"We can't have them breaking the fourth wall! They mustn't know!" cackled a human figure and she deleted a sentence of words from the Word page.
Mousefur tilted her head, her mind clouded. Thornclaw then padded in, giving the Elder a nod of greeting.
"Just dropping in to say hello," her former apprentice explained, sitting down in front of her. Mousefur gave him a look.
"Thornclaw, your conversations and frequent patrols are no longer featured in the books. You should really get your ass in here and join the ranks of the 'Golden Oldies'. We know the best catnip spots. Exclusive member knowledge," Mousefur gave a wink, but Thornclaw only gave a defensive growl.
"I'll have you know, I'm very important, thank you. I am one of the few senior warriors that are still alive. Anyway, I'm hip, I'm cool. See look, watch me swag," Thornclaw gave a lopsided walk that resembled that of a three-legged badger. Mousefur gave a snort, unimpressed.
"I am afraid, Thornclaw, that you lack this 'swag'. Give it up and join us, joiiin usss!" her voice became darker suddenly, startling the indignant Thornclaw.
"Sorry Mousefur but you couldn't be more wrong, and I shall prove it. By the next gathering, I will be 'top dawg', you will see. Oh yes, watch me saunter out. Like a boss. Yes," Thornclaw exclaimed with a flamboyant flick of his tail. Mousefur shook her head.
"You don't want to be 'top dog' Thornclaw, because nobody likes dogs and they have a tendency to kill us. You are not Tigerclaw, so no dog-topping should be involved. Really, Thornclaw, get your slang straight. We're not living in the days when Firestar was Rusty," Mousefur called after the retreating tom with a roll of her eyes. Thornclaw only huffed and stomped out of the Den. He was cool, and he was going to prove it. Out of the Elder's Den he walked, tail held high.
"Visiting tonight's new accommodation, Thornclaw?" Came an amused sneer from in front of the senior warrior; Berrynose.
"Are you chilling on my vibes, Berrystumpytail?" Thornclaw countered, receiving a glare from the obnoxious young warrior.
"You can't mention the unfortunate injury I got due to my horrendous stupidity! Or… or Daisy will be firin' her laser in your direction!" Snarled Berrynose angrily.
"That's impossible! Daisy can't even unsheathe her claws, let alone fire a laser. How do you even know what a laser is?" Thornclaw countered, thinking about the wet little she-cat. It was frankly gross Spiderleg went after her. I mean, how old was she? It would be like Thornclaw going after Blossomfall. Thornclaw shuddered at the thought.
"How do you know what a laser is?" Berrynose asked huffily.
"I asked how you know."
"How do you know?"
"No, how do you know?" Thornclaw lashed out at Berrynose with sheathed claws, giving him a slap on the side of his face without the claw marks. Berrynose turned, absolutely furious.
"HOW DARE YOU! DAISY WILL BE FIRIN' HER LASER!" He screeched, making Thornclaw flinch.
"Stop! The capitals blind me!" wailed the older tom, blinking a couple of times.
"What?" Berrynose looked suddenly confused.
"What?"
"I said what!"
"No, I did."
"I did!"
"Sorry, I did. Are you trying to chill on my vibes?" Countered Thornclaw, impressed by his 'hip phrase'.
"No, I think you'll find you are the one doing the vibe-chilling, on my vibes…."
"You failed to correctly carry out hip terminology! I win! Oh yes, like a boss!"
"No 'cool' cat uses the word terminology. I don't even know what it means. The dumber you are, the cooler you are, duh! Why else do you think all the she-cats who realise Lionblaze is too good for them swoon over me?" Berrynose retorted defiantly. Thornclaw huffed.
"Oh, sorry, are you chilling on my vibes again? How rude!" Thornclaw growled.
"You're chilling on my vibes!"
"No, you're chilling on mine!"
"No, you're chilling on mine!"
"No, you're chilling on mine!"
"No, you're chilling on mine!"
"You are both chilling on my vibes, and those are vibes you do not want to chill!" came a voice form above them. It was Firestar, floating magically above them.
"Firestar! How are you floating?" gasped the two arguing cats.
"What do you mean? I'm not floating," Firestar scoffed, still hovering innocently.
"Yes you are," the two cats replied, quite clearly seeing their Leader hovering before them.
"No I'm not."
"Yes you are."
"No I'm not,"
"Yes you are."
"NO I'M NOT! EPIC LEADER'S WORD IS FINAL! All the other Clans have had different leaders over the past Seasons, but I have stayed as Epic as ever. WATCH ME SWAG ACROSS THE AIR!" With that, Firestar glided off with that unbeatable swagger of his. Damn was that old guy was cool. Thornclaw definitely had to learn some of his secrets if he was going to prove Mousefur wrong. Even though Firestar had just abused capitals… Thornclaw only blinked a few times.
"Well, I'm going to sleep now, try not to chill the air's vibes!" Berrynose snarled before prowling off.
"That was a terrible come-back! It didn't make sense! You young whipper-snapper, you!" Thornclaw grumbled, suddenly feeling very old. This was worse than he thought. He was going to have to learn from the best; the one, the only, the ultimate in crazy-prophecy-powers: Lionblaze. Now that was one with-it tom. Thornclaw would certainly be asking him for his secrets. Tomorrow though, all the arguing had made the tom weary, and he stumbled into the Warriors Den before falling face-first into an empty nest, narrowly avoiding Berrynose's stumpy tail.
Derp. I have never written a parody before. This was supposed to be for private personal amusement. What am I doing putting it up? I deliberately abused caps. You know how much I hate caps abuse. Thornclaw has sense, so Thornclaw hates it too. Also, Mousefur? Miss her too. And Ferncloud? Worst character ever. Berrynose? Needs to be bitch-slapped. Firestar? A little too epic for his own good. One, Two and Threekit? Poor unfortunate souls. I made them up by the way, they don't actually exist. If only... Anyway, that probably wasn't great but I feel Thornclaw needs some love. So reveiw and receive your very own Thornclaw plushie! Because he's so damn cuddly 3