Total Dramastuck
AN: This is a weird one-shot thing that I wrote for no apparent reason. Don't judge - -
"Hello, and welcome to the new season of Total Drama Island!" Chris announces enthusiastically into the camera. "With your host, the attractive, the cunning, me!" Chef rolls his eyes in the background.
He's so full of himself. Urgh.
"But this season won't be like the others. We have some special guests as the contestants this time. Say hello to our friends from the dream bubbles, the trolls!" He holds his arm out, and all 24 of the trolls file out in no particular order. They begin to form two distinct groups, the Beforans, and the Alternians.
"For those of you who don't know, the trolls are an alien race that even I didn't hear about until today. They created our universe?... this cant be right."
"AS A MATTER OF FACT, THAT *IS* RIGHT *BEEP*. WAIT WHY THE *BEEP* DID YOU CENSOR ME?"
"This is a PG rated show. No swearing… Karkat? That's your name, right?"
"YEAH *BEEP BEEEEEEP*."
"Well anyways, they created our universe, and their human friends got them to play on this show. Before I mess any more names up, introduce yourselves, starting with the… beta trolls? Ok, this is weird."
"Mr. McKinley, Please Try To Be Culturally Sensitive Towards Our Race. I Understand That Our Ways Are Strange And Different To You Humans, But Have Some Respect."
"Whatever, I don't give a crap. Go ahead and introduce yourselves. I'm not going to because your names are really hard to pronounce."
"Very well then. I am Kankri Vantas."
"(Damara Megido)"
AN: Pretend that there are English subtitles on-screen when Damara talks
"Ruf1oh N1tram"
"M17UN4 C4P70R"
"\(=^'.'^=)/ MEULIN LEIJON!"
"Po+rrim Maryam."
"L4tul4 Pyrop3!"
"Aranea Serket"
"8=D Horuss Zahha-"
"Woa woa woa, PG, remember? Can't let you use that emote. There are kids watching this. Kids man."
"Fine. If I cannot e%press myself, then so be it."
":o)"
"\(=^*,*^=)/ HIS NAME IS PURRLOZ MAKARA"
"With9ut the (p9tentially triggering) cat pun his name is Kurl9z."
Kurloz signs something out in Alternian sign language.
"(*BEEP*, I can use telepathy.)"
The camera man steps back a few feet in shock. The message had been telepathized into the mic as well, seemingly coming from nowhere.
"Movwing on, I'm Cronus Ampor-"
"THE DESPERATE ROMANTIC. SERIOUSLY. HE DATED HIS DANCESTOR. THAT'S LIKE DATING YOUR EARTH HUMAN COUSIN."
"Karkat! I expect y9u t9 kn9w 6etter 9f all pe9ple as my dancest9r that that is a highly triggering statement. Please keep y9ur m9uth shut, the 9nly things that c9me 9ut 9f it are triggering and rude statements!"
"YOURE ONE TO SPEAK. ALL YOU DO IS OFFEND ANYONE AND LITERALLY TALK THEIR EARS OFF! DO YOU SEE ANY EARS ON THE SIDES OF MY HEAD? NO!"
"SHUT UP!" The Maryams yell at the same time. There's going to be some crazy auspistice *BEEP* going down this season. But then again, when is there not?
"Please, PLEASE, just continue the introductions. Save the drama for when the show actually starts.
"Cay, I'm Meenah Peixes, and you all better be glubbing respectful. I have a 2x3dent, and I'm not afraid to stab any one of you beaches."
"That all of the beta trolls or whatever? Mmk. Alpha trolls, go."
"KARKAT *BEEP* VANTAS."
"Aradia Megido!"
"tAVROS, uH, nITRAM,"
"s0llux capt0r. I d0nt evn kn0w why im here. aa dragged me here literally by the arm."
":33 nepeta leijon! and I have all the ships. ALL OF THEM :33"
"Kanaya Maryam"
"T3R3Z1 PYROP3, H3H3H3 :]"
"Vriska Serket. Don't *BEEP* with me, I have all the luck, ALL 8F IT!"
"D à Equius Zahhak."
"gAmZeE mOtHeR*BEEP* mAkArA."
"Eridan Ampora."
"Feferi P-EIX-ES! Glub glub."
"Chris, I think that's all of them." Says Chef.
"Right. Welcome to Total Drama Island!" An unseen audience applauds.
"Alright, so first thing's first. There will be two teams. And from what I've been told, there are certain people who have to remain together for unknown reasons. So the people that introduced you all to the show gave us a layout for how the teams have to be arranged. And on this napkin that they wrote it on it says that this order is critical to people actually making it out of this show alive. While we do frequently risk the lives of our contestants, we never actually kill them. That would be too much paperwork. And all of the interns know how much Chef hates paperwork." Chef gets an evil glint in his eye, but only Kanaya notices. She whispers in her Dancestor's ear, but Porrim just shoos her off.
"The first team will be the Raging Dragons. Karkat, Aradia, Tavros, Sollux, Nepeta, Kanaya, Terezi, Vriska, Equius, Gamzee, Eridan, and Feferi, you will be on this team." Terezi starts fist-pumping energetically, and Nepeta pounce-tackles Equius. This will be an… interesting… season.
"The second team is the Genesis Frogs, whatever that means, with Kankri, Damara, Rufioh, Mituna, Meulin, Porrim, Latula, Aranea, Horuss, Kurloz, Cronus, and Meenah." Mituna bounds up to Latula, and they high-five and hug. *BEEP*ing adorable. Cronus tries to do eyebrows at Meenah, but gets a fist in the gut. He then tries to approach Mituna, but the tall and imposing mute clown forms an impassible wall. Kurloz's eyes take on a red tint. Fish Stick backs the *BEEP* off. He better.
"Umm, well let's just get this show on the road! As is camp tradition, we're going to have a challenge who gets which cabin."
"Vwhy does it matter?"
"As you can see, there are two cabins, both able to somewhat comfortably (but not really) house twelve. One of them, is brand spanking new, just had it built." He motions to the cabin on the right. It is very new indeed. "And the other," He motions to the one on the left. "Is the very same one used in the first season by the original contestants. The one that didn't get destroyed." There's a hint of a hiss in his voice at the last part. We all know what happened on that first episode. For those of us who don't, let's just say that it involved a race, a totem pole, and a very angry host.
"747 F1R57 0N L00K5 R3LY N1C3."
"It is whatever your name is."
"1t's M1tun4! Rud3."
"Woa there other person who I don't know the name of."
"Chris, if you're going to host the show, you gotta know their names!" Chef yells. Mituna shrinks back behind Latula.
"LETS STOP *BEEP*ING AROUND AND GET THIS *BEEP* ON THE WIDE, PAVED, WHATEVER THE *BEEP*."
"Dude, stop swearing. We're going to keep censoring you."
"YOUR3 T3LL1NG K4RKL3Z, TO STOP SW34R1NG? 4H4H4H44H4H4H4H4! OH GOG TH4TS 4 GOOD ON3!"
"Riiiight, but seriously, can we start already? Interns, set up the challenge!"
A few teenage interns scramble around behind the camera, carrying large tires and bins with mysterious contents. I wonder what's in those bins.
"One of your friends, John, told me that your particular alien race has a certain sensitivity towards… buckets." He says with an evil grin.
"NO, OH NO, JOHN I WILL SLIT YOUR SMUG LITTLE BREATHING PIPE WITH MY SICKLE WHEN I GET HOME!"
"Ahuhuhhuh, so for the first challenge of the season, we will have a simple obstacle course. With a twist." That evil grin is still there. I don't like that grin. It means trouble.
"You will all have a bucket firmly attatched to each of your feet. The team that gets all players across the finish line fastest, and all of said buckets attached to their feet, gets the new cabin. The other team will get the *BEEP* shack."
"Wooo4, th3 not-so-r4d host 1s 4 l1ttl3 potty mouth! W4tch th4t l4ngu4g3!" Latula says in a mocking tone.
Why did I agree to let these *BEEP* on the show? They're going to ruin me.
"wHy ARE YOU MAKING US RUN WITH BUCKETS ON OUR FEET?," Tavros whimers.
"Because it's fun, and it gets us good ratings, ahuhuhhuh."
"YOUO L4UF FUNNY. 4ND YUR 5C4RY."
"I try."
"Wwhy the *BEEP* does evverything take a glubbin hour? It's not that hard to start a challenge."
"Shut it Ampora. But really, I'm not going to draw this out any more. Dragons go first, go!"
The whole team jumps and scrambles to get the buckets on their feet. Tavros is crying silent tears as Equius fits the pail to his robotic foot. KK looks like he's about to explode in anger. Yep, he just did a *BEEP* pirouette off the handle. Now he's rolling around in the mud like an idiot, yelling "*BEEP* YOU EGBERT!" over and over again. Vriska just laughs ad points. She continues onto the rock wall without a single glance at her floundering teammates.
Sollux doesn't care that the troll equivalent of a condom is attached to either foot. Actually, he doesn't care about anything. Aradia carefully leads him by the arm across the obstacles.
"Hold on, is that kid blind?" Chef notices that the red god tieress is leading Sollux.
"yeah. What d0 y0u care? I can manage."
"Y34H, H3S F1N3. 1 W4S BL1ND FOR 4 WH1L3 UNT1L…"
"Until WHAT glasses girl?"
"HEY. *HEY.* DON'T TALK TO HER LIKE THAT. ITS HER BUSINESS AND SHE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT." Karkat stopped screaming and writhing in discomfort long enough to defend Terezi.
"No she doesn't! She ain't a citizen, or even a human! None of you have a single right on this planet!"
"THAT'S IT. IM VOTING MYSELF OFF. YOURE ALL A BUNCH OF *BEEP*! PEACE." He sends his middle fingers Chris-ward and steals the boat. He drives it to the port near John's house in Washington and sprints to his house. He climbs the wall and breaks into his room and uses his peanut butter-coated sickle to slit his throat. Of course, he'll be revived in a few minutes, but Karkat just needed to vent his anger.
"Well that happened. Um, I guess you all can keep scrambling around that obstacle course while we wait for that angry guy to come around. He will. I have a signed contract." Chris and Chef high five.
"Hey Chriiiiiiiis! I finished ya *BEEP*!"
"D à I have finished the course as well. It wasn't much effort for someone as STRONG as I."
":OO equius! wait for me!"
"D à I am coming Nepeta."
Equius leaps off the small platform where the course ends, and scoops up the cat girl in his STRONG arms. She squeals in delight as he finishes the course again.
"Hey, big guy, can't do that. Put the cat girl back."
"D à You wish to try to challenge me? I do not believe that this is wise, as I have an unusual amount of STRENGTH."
"Chef challenges you." Chris amends quickly. The sly little *BEEP*.
"D à Bring it on, or so I hear the humans say."
"Son, you're only SIXTEEN! I can take you down EASY!"
He rushes at the large troll at full speed. Equius doesn't even flinch when the big cohost rams into him. He picks up Chef and throws him all the way to the ocean. Which is about a football field length away. THAT'S PRETTY *BEEP*ING FAR. I don't think that Chef will be walking for a while. A helicopter flew in from the mainland and picked him up with a claw like in the Hunger Games. Ya know, how they pick up the dead bodies in the arena? Yeah I'm waaaaaaaay off topic.
"Sorry 'bout that Chef, way to take one for the team!"
"I'm surro+unded by idio+ts." Porrim stated, looking much like a pissed off cat.
"Ok, I've had enough. You beaches have no glubbing idea. I am ROYALTY. You people have no conchienses. Why the shell am I still here? Come on, my fellow fish. We're conquering the ocean."
"But I don't WANT to conquer t)(e ocean!"
"Fine. You can stay here with your blind buoyfrond."
"h0ld 0n what"
"So long suckas"
"Sea dwwellers out."
The three other sea dwellers walked to the ocean and swam away. Eridan did a gay dolphin thing on top of the water while yelling, "ITS *BEEP* SCIENCE MOTHER*BEEP*! RAINBOWWS ARE MADE OF SCIENCE!" What am I looking at here. I don't… I can't… no.
"May I Suggest That We Just Play A Rock-Paper-Scissors Tournament Thing To See Which Individuals Get To Stay In Which Cabin? *BEEP* The Teams"
"Yeah, I'm done with crazy aliens wrecking my show. Just, do the game. Those mandatory groups, you know who you are, stay together for still unknown reasons. One player from those groups can participate in the tournament."
Then they had the most *BEEP*-up rock-paper-scissors tournament in paradox space. There was so much fighting and *BEEP*ing and moaning that Chris tore all of his long, luscious locks out, just like Tammy the barber cut Carlos's long perfect hair short. DANGIT TAMMY!
In the end, Feferi, Sollux, Aradia, Damara, Latula, Mituna, Terezi, and Vriska got the good cabin. In a later interview, Vrika states that she got I the good cabin because she has, "Aaaaaaaall of the luck." Everyone else, being Nepeta, Equius, Tavros, Kanaya, Porrim, Gamzee, Horuss, Rufioh, Kankri, Kurloz, and Meulin got the *BEEP* shack. They had to practically sleep on top of each other, with two trolls per bed. This is fine for the couples, but Kanaya felt awkward having to sleep next to the tattooed, pierced Porrim. Even though they're Dancestors, they are all, "*BEEP*HOLES" according to Karkat. And Kankri slept on the floor. But he sleep-lectures. It's a rare and annoying condition among those who tend to rant all day. Ranty ranty lecture rant. Kanaya almost cut him in half and sucked out his blood because of this, along with everyone else in the cabin. But Porim, being a Maryam, was the much-needed auspistice in this predicament. She's everyone's auspistice. Everyone's.
In the nice cabin however, accommodations were much different. Everyone had their own bed, and they weren't even bunk beds, so the trolls could arrange them however they pleased. Sollux's bed was bordered by Feferi and Aradia's beds. All three go along with each other famously. Latula and Mituna made a little fort with their pillows and blankets and battled in Pokemon for half the night, until Mituna fell asleep in her arms very adorably. Terezi claimed one of the corners and made a small courtroom scenario with the scalemates she smuggled into her suitcase. Damara claimed another corner, chanting some ancient tongue (or just really bad Japanese) and drawing a demon spawn using some of Terezi's "borrowed" chalk. Vriska tried to mess with Terezi's courtroom scenario by stealing key witnesses to whatever plot line the teal blood was making up. Mostly just being like BLUH BLUH HUGE *BEEP*.
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
The next morning, Chris uses an ironically oversized bike horn to wake all of the campers up. Gamzee comes running out of the *BEEP* shack screaming "HoNk!" at the top of his lungs, his face (for once) free of his standard clown make-up. Karkat, who was coming back with the boat, turns the *BEEP* around and heads right back for John's house to kill him again or maybe re-deface his bad movie posters. Terezi has Feferi swim her out to Karcrab's boat, and then they teepee John's house together. Ah, young matespritship.
"W47? WY 15 YUR D4N53570R R1D1NG TH3 07H3R F15H G1RL?"
"Nobody knows Tun4, nobody knows."
"C4N W3 337 CHR15?"
"Well, considering that one guy broke every bone in Chef's body without even trying, we have nobdy to cook food."
"cOoKiNg? I cAn MoThEr*BEEP*InG cO-"
"NO!" All of the Alternian trolls shout at once. They know what he cooks. And if everyone eats that… well, let's just say it won't be pretty.
"I Think I Should Cook. I Know How To Use A Oven Without Burning The Hive Down. Are There Any Nutrition Cylinders Laying Around?"
"I'm sure she means, "cans," am I c9rrect?"
"I Believe So."
So Kanaya goes to the kitchen to try to heat some cans up so everyone can eat some food.
Five minutes later the Coast Guard is rescuing everyone from a burning island.
"W3ll, 1 th1nk w3 should b3 g3tt1ng b4ck to th3 dr34m bubbl3s. 1m h3lp1ng Tun4 h3r3 l34rn how to l4nd 4 r41l gr1nd. 1t'll look tot4lly r4d wh3n h3 g3ts 1t down!" She pecks Mituna on the cheek, and they hug. SO *BEEP*ING ADORABLE. Then they hop into the little rift that just now appeared and go back into the dream bubble. Everyone else follows suit, except Vriska, who has one final comment for us. Yes, Vriska? "This show sucks 8alllllllls! Also, you all can keep the sea dwellers that went our conquering. They're either lonely, lonely 8ullies, or *8EEP*. Smell ya l8ter." Then she hops into the little rift. Goodbye spider *BEEP*.
But what about Karkat and Terezi? Well, they teepeed John's houe quite successfully, then they coated all of his socks in peanut butter for no good reason. Those socks are deadly poison now. Then they went to law school and/or anger management classes and then lived on the boat. They were called to court multiple times because Karat stole the boat, but he said, and I quote, "I GIVE AS MANY *BEEP* ABOUT THE LAW SYSTEM AS I HAVE HUMAN RIGHTS. NONE." Then the BatterWitch came an took over Earth and they want back to the dream bubbles and the last second. Then they were like YOOOO and everyone else was like YOOOOOOOOOOOOOO then they continued existing like nothing ever happened.
THE *BEEP*ING END
AN: Don't let me write weird fanfics ever again. Ever. Again.