Comfort In Your Arms

Camp Chitaqua, 2011

The few burning candles faintly illuminate the otherwise dark cabin. Outside, the rain pours incessantly as it has been since morning. It's already getting dark yet the rain hasn't let up one bit; as if a message has been sent from "God knows where" that the End is really here. There's a bed in the corner of this dimly lit cabin and that's where Castiel sits all by himself today. No orgies, no group sessions, no drugs. Today has to be an exception. Today Dean is supposed to return from one of his missions. Today is for Dean.

Cas knows, every single time Dean returns from one of these trips, he is a bit more broken, a bit more brutal, a bit more cold. It used to break his heart seeing his righteous man go through this transformation. It doesn't hurt anymore. Now he has ways to numb the pain. He is aware of how Dean is becoming more and more distant as the days go by. When all this began, Dean would always come by and spend some time with him after every hunt or mission. Sometimes they would talk; sometimes they would seek comfort in each other's arms. Such instances are a rarity these days. These days most of his interactions with Cas end up with mockery for everything Cas has now become. In fact, it has been a little over six months, that Dean has returned from a mission and headed straight to Cas.

Today however, Cas is certain Dean will come to him. It's been ten days since he left and so many days on the road, desperate in search for answers never fairs well with Dean.

The day Dean heard about Sam saying 'yes' to Lucifer, a part of him died and Cas could do nothing but watch. He had never felt so helpless before. He couldn't understand the myriad emotions running through his own mind. There was anger and pain and so much more that he couldn't quite grasp. Dean hadn't spoken to him at first but when he had finally broken down, Cas had held him in his arms and Dean had rested his head on his shoulders sobbing silently. That was the first time Cas had held Dean, the first time that they had hugged. Their first kiss had been the day Cas's grace faded away completely. He had woken up screaming in the middle of the night. Dean had rushed to him, trying to understand what was happening but all he had heard was Cas screaming "Dean it's gone, I don't feel it anymore. It's gone Dean." Dean had held him in his arms, rubbing his back and whispering words of comfort and then Dean had kissed his temple. There was so much tenderness in his actions that Cas had finally looked up, their eyes meeting, their lips just barely apart and then Dean had leaned down and kissed him. So many things had happened since then, so many things had changed but those two heartbreaking moments are what Cas can't stop reminiscing about every time he is alone and sober.

The sudden familiar sound of the approaching jeep breaks his reverie. He doesn't bother to get up, if Dean wants to, he will be here anyway. Cas doesn't need to go greet him.

xx

Six of them had started out ten days ago but only two of them stood by the jeep now. They had started out based on a tip about a weapon that was capable of killing the devil. It had however ended up being false information. Not only had this mission ended up being a failure, while returning they had been attacked by a bunch of croats that had resulted in the loss of four of the camp members. In a world that was overflowing with croats, this wasn't uncommon. However on this particular trip, Dean had had to shoot down two of his people, both kids, hardly nineteen or twenty years old. Their desperate cries for help still keep ringing in his ears. They had been infected and would have turned anyway, in a way Dean was just putting them out of misery, Dean knows all that but he can't shake off how he had just stood there and shot them down. He had been so cold and brutal, totally unaffected by their helpless screams begging him to help them.

The sudden realisation of what he had done is tearing him apart now. He has become a heartless, soulless son of a bitch not much different from the monsters he himself hunts. How else could he describe himself? How could all these people still follow him? How could Cas still call him "fearless leader"? How could these people still not want to turn against him? How could everyone at this camp not hate him? He has countless such questions and no one to answer them. He is tired and exhausted. He needs to get away for sometime. He wants to go to Cas but he can't bear to face him right Chuck and some of the other camp members unload the supplies and ammunition they managed to bring back, Dean heads straight to his own cabin.

Chuck watches as Dean walks away tiredly. He wonders why Dean doesn't go to Cas. The look on Dean's face alone was enough for Chuck to see how badly Dean was doing emotionally. He needed to be with Cas. Chuck has known them both long enough to realise that much. Dean refusing to do so is definitely not a good sign.

xx

Dean didn't come to him. Cas had waited and waited ever since he had heard the jeep come to a stop, but Dean hadn't shown up. After sometime, Cas had worried. What if something bad had happened to Dean? What if he was hurt or..or much worse? He had frantically rushed out of his cabin trying to make sure Dean was fine. That's when he had learnt that Dean was physically unharmed but he was in his cabin and didn't want to be disturbed.

It had hurt. It had hurt so bad. He was so sure Dean would be here with him. He had been waiting eagerly but Dean chose not to turn to him. He chose to rather be alone than be with Cas; that's how worthless he had become to Dean. He couldn't blame Dean though. Look how hapless and hopeless he had become and to think he once was an Angel of the Lord. He laughs bitterly at the thought.

His immediate instinct after learning that Dean wasn't coming was to turn to his stash. Maybe getting high would numb the pain but in the end Cas decided not to. He wanted to feel the pain; he needed to feel the pain. This was going to be a self inflicted punishment for failing Dean over and over again. So he quietly headed to his bed and just lay there. He didn't even go out for dinner. He just didn't feel like eating. He has been lying there for hours now. It is past midnight but he can't sleep.

xx

"You still awake…?" There's Dean, standing at the entrance with a beer bottle in his hand still dressed the way he had when he left the camp ten days ago.

"Dean?!" Cas is instantly alert.

"Look at me Cas! Do you see the monster I've become?" his sentences are slightly slurred. Dean had thought of drinking himself to oblivion but at some point he just couldn't bear it anymore. The alcohol wasn't helping at all. Much as he had promised not to go to Cas, he couldn't help himself. He didn't care if he was a sorry selfish piece of shit; he needed Cas so he was going to go be with Cas.

"You're not a monster Dean…You're human" Cas says quietly as he slowly makes his way to Dean. He looks in real bad shape and all Cas wants is to provide him some form of comfort, to show him some love. He has failed Dean in so many ways, this is the least he can do.

Dean laughs bitterly, "You should have seen me..you should have seen the way I just stood there and shot them…."

"It's okay Dean…" whispers Cas as he slowly removes the beer bottle from Dean. There standing inches apart now.

"Don't tell me it's okay! Don't you dare say that..It's not okay..You hear me Cas..? It's not…" Cas hugs him then and suddenly it's too much for Dean. His arms come up to hold Cas. They stand like that for what feels like ages. Dean clinging to Cas, his head buried in his shoulder as Cas tries to sooth him, petting the short hair around his neck.

"You look tired..will you let me help you?" Cas whispers cautiously. He doesn't want to upset Dean more than he already is. He needn't have worried though as Dean silently nods his approval.

It's then that Cas slowly takes his jacket off, then goes down on his knees and gently removes the thigh holster. Wearing it for so long is bound to be painful. All the while Dean stands motionless without uttering a single word. Slowly Cas strips him down to just his shorts and then leads him to his bed. He then retrieves a wash cloth and bowl filled with water. Kneeling down on the floor, in front of Dean, he slowly dabs the wet wash cloth gently on his brow. He is a little nervous while doing this. Dean doesn't allow such tenderness from him anymore. He is just hoping Dean doesn't close him off today. But Dean just watches him silently and shows no signs of shying away. That gives him confidence; he continues washing away the dirt and grime from Dean's face and then slowly does the same for his shoulders, his arms and his torso. Under Cas's tender ministrations, Dean relaxes completely. His shoulders relax and his eyes slowly close.

When Cas is satisfied with his task, he sets the bowl and the sodden wash cloth aside. "You need to eat something; I know you haven't had anything since you got back." He says as Dean opens his eyes.

"You haven't eaten anything either, have you?" Dean asks softly.

Cas doesn't reply to that question. He gets up and says "I will go check if there's anything left for us." After a while he returns with a tray containing two bowls of soup and a few pieces of bread. They eat in silence, neither of them saying a word. The food is simple yet it feels great. They had both been very hungry and finish it in no time.

After they're done eating, Cas takes the empty bowls and tray and leaves them outside his cabin. As he makes his way back to the bed, Dean grabs his hand and pulls him down on top claiming his mouth with a searing kiss. Cas all but clings to Dean, kissing back frantically. It has been so long, so long since Dean had last kissed him, so long since he had last kissed Dean. Cas doesn't want to let go; he doesn't want this to end too soon. Their tongues invade each other's mouths, searching, probing, exploring. Somewhere in between the fervent kisses, Dean hurriedly removes Cas's worn out cotton shirt. The sudden sensation of skin on skin feels like heaven to Dean. He has been denying this to himself for so long. He has deliberately stayed away from Cas. With Sam gone, Cas was all that he cared for. He cared for Cas too much. Cas was his weakness. He couldn't afford any weaknesses, not when his sole mission in life now was to destroy the devil that had taken away his brother. Lying here now with Cas on top of him Dean just wants to let go, he just wants to love Cas.

"Thank you Cas….thank you so much for taking care of me.." he whispers breaking the kiss. Cas kisses him again and then his lips move lower kissing his chin, and throat before ending up kissing and sucking the junction of his neck and shoulder.

"I miss you so much Dean" Dean barely hears it, the words spoken so softly, muffled around his neck. His eyes sting, a lump of pain forming in his throat. He gently cards his fingers through Cas's unkempt hair. "Miss you too Angel.." Dean blurts out without thinking. Why did he say that..? He's never called Cas 'Angel'…He's used terms endearment for Cas before but 'Angel'..? Cas stiffens as soon as he hears it. He is no longer kissing Dean's neck. Dean can feel the change in Cas immediately.

"Cas..? Cas…?" But Cas isn't replying and then he can feel Cas trying to move away. No, just no, he can't let that happen. He needs to stop Cas.

"Cas look at me..Hey..hey..come on Cas just look at me for once" he pleads.

Cas finally looks up. Dean takes his hand and places it on the handprint on his shoulder. That same handprint that bore testimony to the fact that Castiel, the Angel of the Lord had once raised Dean from perdition so many years ago. Cas stares at him unable to speak for a while.

"Dean ..I…I'm not..."..

"No…Cas….Do you see this..? See how your palm fits in there..? You will always be my angel Cas.. Always…Don't you dare think otherwise…" Cas slowly brings his head down on his chest, his eyes closed. "My angel" Dean whispers petting Cas's hair. They are both on verge of tears. Tonight, they have both let their guards down, they are both so vulnerable. They have never ever been this way with each other.

Camp Chitaqua, August 2014

That night so many years ago, they did end up making love. It wasn't just sex, it wasn't just a cheap fuck; it was worshipping each other's bodies, it was holding each other like they were holding something precious. It was love making, pure and beautiful. Perhaps deep down they knew that was the last time they would be that way with each other. That night in 2011 was the last time Dean and Cas made love.

As days went by, they drifted farther and farther apart. They did have their occasional "quick fucks" but with time even those became fewer and farther apart. Dean continued to break till he had no emotions left in him and Cas continued to immerse himself in drugs till he had no sensations left to feel any pain. By 2014, Dean was just a "fearless leader" and Cas was just another soldier waiting on Dean's orders.

It all ended on a grisly August day in 2014. Dean sacrificed Cas for the sake of a diversion to get to Lucifer but himself fell victim in the hands of the devil. It was finally all over.

As Dean lay helpless on the ground with Lucifer's shoe on his neck, a single tear escaped his eye. In the last moments of his life before Lucifer broke his neck, all Dean thought of was Cas, of everything he and Cas were. His last thought before the lights went out was "I love you Cas, I am sorry for everything."

Somewhere not far off, Cas lay helpless and bloodied, clutching his intestines. In his final moments all Cas thought of was Dean, of everything he and Dean were. His final thought before darkness was "I love you so much Dean."

Some love stories have a happy ending. Some love stories are tragedies. And then there's a love story simply defined as "Dean and Cas".