-Pre-Reading Notes-
Hypothetical Voice Cast:
Lucy Fur: Grey Griffin
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Kids Next Door Mission
Operation: G.I.R.L.Y.
Girl's
Intertainment
Really
Lovely…
Yep
Writing Operatives:
Lieutenant Darkton
Original Mission Director:
Mr. Warburton
A Rainbow Monkey T-shirt. A Rainbow Monkey "Root Beer" hat. A TV Time Rainbow Monkey. These were the essential elements Numbuh 3 brought with her for the big day. In the TV Room of the Treehouse, Numbuh 2 and 4 were watching the newest Japanese Cartoon about a loudmouth ninja when she burst through the door.
"Outta the way, guys!" Numbuh 3 interjected. "It's time for the new Rainbow Monkey series!"
Numbuh 2 and 4 shot her a mean look.
"…please?"
"No can do, Kuki," Numbuh 4 said. "There's a marathon of this show goin' on, and I don't wanna miss any of it-"
"Here," Numbuh 2 said, handing her the remote.
"YAAAY!" Numbuh 3 shouted.
"Hey, gimme that!" Numbuh 4 snatched the remote. "I told you, I don't wanna miss anything!"
"This show's pretty boring anyway," Numbuh 2 said. "I never did like Japanimation."
"What're you talking about? This show's AWESOME! It's got lots a cool fights, and, and the characters look cool, and…"
"And the main character's annoying and not even the main character. And what about all those flashbacks? You'll never get that out of a good ol' American comic."
"Oh, I guess you're right. Tell me, how often do they repeat the villain's origin story every time they bring him up?"
"That's just for the benefit of the reader!"
"Well, so are the flashbacks!"
"I believe we can work out a solution," Numbuh 1 said. "I've turned on the TV in the Monitor Room to the proper channel, you two can watch your marathon in there after next commercial break."
"I'm done anyway," Numbuh 2 said, heading off in his own direction. "Have fun, Numbuh 3."
"Whatever," said Numbuh 4, shambling over to the Monitor Room.
"Thanks, Numbuh 1!" Numbuh 3 said. "Why'd you help me anyway?"
Numbuh 1 began whispering in Numbuh 3's ear. "Just between you and me, I kinda like the older Rainbow Monkeys."
"YOU LIKE RAINB-" Numbuh 3 couldn't say the rest due to Numbuh 1 cupping his hand over her mouth.
"Inside voice!" he whispered harshly, "It's starting now."
A tapestry-like mural unfolded to reveal four elegantly dressed Rainbow Monkeys, very different in style than all Monkeys that came before. "Once upon a time," the female narrator began, "there was a council of four Rainbow Monkeys. Spring Bloom Rainbow Monkey ushered in the spring. Summer Glow Rainbow Monkey brought forth the summer. Autumn Leaves Rainbow Monkey moved on to fall, and Winter Wonderland Rainbow Monkey concluded the day with the winter. Together, these four Rainbow Monkeys served as the Council of Seasons."
Autumn Leaves Rainbow Monkey's eyes began to glow red. "However, Autumn Leaves began to feel unappreciated, as while others had cause to celebrate the other seasons, Autumn was only met with apathy. She was hurt, feeling alone and unappreciated. So, one day she refused to produce the red leaves of autumn. The council tried to talk her out of it, but in her resentment Autumn Leaves' heart turned her into a horrifying primate of darkness, Fall."
A group of five banana slice gems began to fuse into one. "Having run out of options, the Council of Seasons gathered powerful magic artifacts known as the Wish Stones, and using their power, banished Fall to the earth. The other Monkeys began to take turns deciding who would be the proper Rainbow Monkey to usher in Winter from that day forward." The last words began to fade into a bookish Rainbow Monkey named Library Laughs Rainbow Monkey.
"Hmm… where have I heard this before? And what's all this doing in my history textbook?"
The opening music started to play, and though it began like a traditional Rainbow Monkey theme music, it transitioned into a preppy pop song whose lyrics were extoling the values of teamwork. This new title sequence introduced the Five Rainbow Monkeys, and concluded with the title "Rainbow Monkeys: Teamwork Rules!"
The pilot went on for a good while and then ended with a cliffhanger where a menacing Fall had returned. Numbuh 3 was giddy as usual. "WHOO-HOO! BEST RAINBOW MONKEYS EVER!"
"You know… I have to actually agree with you, Numbuh 3! This was pretty good!" Numbuh 1 said. "I mean, for a girls show, it didn't feel… girly."
"I'm gonna share it with Numbuh 5!"
"Whoa, whoa, slow down, Numbuh 3. We need to ease them into this. Forcing them to watch won't make this any better for them."
Numbuh 4 stepped out at just that moment for a snack, when he caught wind of a conversation between Numbuh 1 and Numbuh 3. They were talking about… Rainbow Monkeys?
"Ha, ha! Numbuh 1 likes Rainbow Dorkies!" Numbuh 4 said.
"That's not really something to be ashamed of this time," Numbuh 1 said.
"Look, this is just a thing. No one's ever gonna remember this after it's over."
Two seasons later…
The newspapers, which read "GIRLS SHOW NOW NUMBER ONE SHOW IN AMERICA", begged to differ.
As Numbuh 4 walked though the halls at school, he noticed that all the conversations he overheard were about one thing: Rainbow Monkeys. Students talked about topics like who was their favorite character, which episode was the best, and why the other person's opinion was wrong and theirs was right, you know, typical fan guff. "Why the crud are Rainbow Monkeys so popular?" Numbuh 4 thought out loud.
He was later grabbed by a male student wearing black with a skull shirt. "Hey, you!," the boy said in a raspy voice. "You look like a non-Rainbow Monkey-liking guy. Wanna join our club?"
Numbuh 4, caught off guard responded nervously, "Heh, heh, count me in!"
A heavy metal anthem preluded the club meeting. Boys dressed in heavy metal or sarcastic themed T-shirts or just generally black gathered around in a room filled with posters of terrible things happening to last-gen Rainbow Monkeys, like having all their stuffing ripped out. There was even a Rainbow Monkey doll head stuck on a toothpick.
"Dudes," the club leader droned, "This meeting of the I Hate Rainbow Monkeys club will now come to order. As you know, Rainbow Monkeys have somehow become the number one show in America. The toys sell like crazy, forums are dominated with their guff, and whole conventions are made around them. People even dress like them," he shuddered.
"You mean like Furries?" a member interjected.
He shuddered again, even harder. "Exactly, and just like the Furries, this is just a flash in the pan. Now, we looked through a bunch of data on the show, and we have concluded that its creator, Lucy Fur, has created this show for one purpose only: to control the minds of boys and turn them into girls."
"So are we gonna stop the cuteness of Shrinking Violet Rainbow Monkey?"
A silence filled the room.
"You…" the leader asked, "you know her name?"
"No! Well, yes. I saw an episode once. And-and and I hated it, I mean therewasnothinggoodaboutit!"
"HE'S BEEN BRAINWASHED!" another member shrieked.
"Focus, focus!" the leader shouted. "Bring in the metal!" Another member carried in a pimped out boombox, hit the play button, and loud heavy metal started blaring through the speakers, drowning out all other thoughts. "Just remember," yelled the leader. "You hate girls! They have cooties! Remember your upbringing! You must like boy stuff and only boy stuff! Remember what it means to be a boy!"
Numbuh 5 burst in. "WHAT'S ALL THAT RACKET ABOUT?! NO ONE CAN HEAR THEMSELVES THINK!" She turned off the metal. "What is this club, anyway?" She asked as she looked around. She saw the anti-Rainbow Monkey posted all around, and sighed. "Don't you think you're judging this show a bit too roughly?"
"It's a girls' show! It's been stupid for years!"
"Yeah, well it's gotten a lot better. The characters are actually really good, the stories aren't stupid and…"
"They got you too?!" Numbuh 4 said. "But you're the cool one!"
"And this show's pretty cool, too! Well, only pretty, but it's not stupid."
"Don't listen to her!" The leader said. "She's a girl, and she's only gonna trick you into enjoying something you shouldn't like!"
Numbuh 5 sighed. "Alright. Since you won't listen to reason, maybe you'll listen to force!"
The members of the club were now strapped into chairs buckled in with eyes taped open. Numbuhs 2 and 1 were manning the projection booth connected with a DVR. "We didn't wanna have to do this, but since you insist on doing this the hard way…" Numbuh 2 trailed off…
"Numbuh 5! Activate the video!" Numbuh 1 barked.
Numbuh 5 brought up the DVR menu and prepared to select the epiode.
"No! You can't do this to us!" Numbuh 4 protested, trying to struggle against his bonds. "We're boys! We don't wanna be girls!"
Numbuh 5's cursor hovered over the first episode. "Sorry," she said, "but it's the only way."
"No…"
Numbuh 5 selected the episode…
"No!"
…which was met with the option to play it…
"No!"
…and she selected play.
"NOOOOOOO!"
Minutes in, the kids stood in awe as a blue Rainbow Monkey named Lightning Flash zipped around the neighborhood, doing athletic things, and generally being awesome. And Numbuh 4 and the club members were smiling!
"What'd I tell ya?" she said in a cool, tomboyish voice. "Five. Flippin'. Seconds."
Shortly afterwards, the episode was over, and the boys were released from their bonds.
Staggering out of his chair, Numbuh 4 said "That was… awesome? Decent?"
"I don't get it! How can something made for girls be so good?!" another member of the Boys Club exclaimed.
"MY FAITH IN MY BOYHOOD IS RUINED!" the leader screamed.
"Don't worry, guys," said the boy who knew all along about the show. "It only gets better. The season premiere for Season 2 has the guy who plays Puck from Gargoyles voicing a guy who's just like Puck! Flippin! Puck!"
"You know what, I oughtta start watching this show more often! Next time you've got an episode, let me know!" Numbuh 4 said cheerfully.
One week later…
Numbuh 4 got out of his room, ready for a new day. "Ah, Saturday! The best day ever. And there's a new episode of that show ready, ain't… there?"
He was confronted by the sight of Numbuh 1 before him, wearing instead of his usual aviator sunshades, pink tinted star-rimmed shades. Fabulous!
"Uh, Numbuh 1, what're you wearing?"
"Oh," he said in a silky tone, "I'm trying something new! I got the idea after the Season 2 finale."
"I… see…"
"Oh, hey!" exclaimed Numbuh 5, who was not only wearing a dress, but one that went down to her ankles, and spoke in an even cheerier voice than usual. "It's starting! The Season 3 premiere!"
Numbuh 4 shuffled over. "Whatever. Let's get busy!" He sat down with the rest of the group, who, with the exception of Numbuh 3, were dressed in a more frou-frou manner than usual. The episode started…
…and to Numbuh 4's horror, it was more feminine than usual. The colors were more pastel, the opening was more like the old one, and it was much girlier. Numbuh 4 only lasted a few seconds before running out of the room screaming.
"Hm… that's different. Some people just don't learn," Numbuh 2 said.
Numbuh 4 proceeded to wash his eyes out with soap. "Ugh. What was that?" he asked himself. "I don't remember the show being that… girly!" He then stopped, and realized something important. "OH CRUD! I GOT SOAP IN MY EYES ON PURPOSE! I'M AN IDIOT!" He fell to the floor, clawing at his eyes, trying to get the soap out.
After he recovered, he walked to the phone line with bloodshot eyes. "Gotta make sure no one else is suffering." He called the number of a member of the former I Hate Rainbow Monkeys club. "Oi! You alright, pal?"
"He-e-ey! How ya doing, friend! Heehee!" the member said, also in a girlier voice.
"Uh… hi. Did you happen to catch the latest episode of Rainbow Monkeys?"
"Watching it now! Why?"
"Okay… well, you have fun with that! Smell ya later!" he slammed the phone down. "Hm… looks like this thing is widespread. Gotta figure out what's goin' on."
He logged on his kit-bashed computer and brought up a search engine. He typed in 'maker of new rainbow monkey show' and got a lot of hits. Most importantly, he found a telephone number for Lucy Fur.
"Bingo." He entered the number into his phone.
"Hello, you've reached the Kid-Tacular Kid's Channel! How can I help you?"
"Get me the maker of Rainbow Monkeys. I've got a piece of my mind I wanna share with her."
"Certainly."
After a dial tone, a sickeningly sweet girly voice answered over the line. "Hi!" she warbled. "You've reached Lucy Fur…"
"Oi! What've ya done with my awesome…"
"…'s answering machine! I'm not here right now, so leave a message after the beep! 'Kay love ya, buh bye!"
"Argh! Fine."
"To make an appointment, press 1. Para espanol, press dos. To mark this message as urgent, press 3 and wait for the beep."
"Might just do that."
"After the beep, please wait for the beep."
"Or not."
"To request an interview, press 4. For other options, press 5."
"Give me the beep!"
"If you're with a convention, press 6. If you are with any other official or press staff, press 7."
"COME ON!"
"To send a fax, press 8. To send a text, press 9."
"Why do these adult message thingies always have to be so complex?!"
"To request a biography interview. Press 10."
"THERE IS NO TEN, YOU BUTTHEAD!"
Time passed, and Numbuh 4 was still waiting. "To request a cameo in the show, press Eleventy bahmillion and 12."
"I HATE YOU!"
Finally, the beep showed up.
"OI! WHAT'VE YOU DONE WITH MY…"
"I'm sorry, this person's inbox is full."
Numbuh 4 groaned and hit his head on the desk. "Well, there's always the old fashion way."
Using a mirror repurposed into a GPS, Numbuh 4 found the home of Lucy Fur. It was an elegant, classic style home, yet had an air of feminity to it. After shuttling and avoiding many secretaries and personal assistants, he came at last to a voluptuously appointed office, and there was Lucy Fur, a curvaceous woman in a casual outfit and long blue hair. She looked up at him with a mischievous grin as he entered. "Hello! How can I help you?"
"Don't give me that, ya girly show-ruiner! I wanna know what happened to the one good Rainbow Monkey show. What'd you do to it? What'd you do to all the boys?"
Her tone immediately took on an evil twist. "Simple, really. I placed subliminal messages into the show. An advanced mind-control frequency. What it accomplished was to remap the brain, slowly overwriting the minds of the boys and boyish girls and turning them into girly ones. And soon I will use it to overwrite their bodies and chromosomes as well, turning them into 100% girls, and then the male gender will be completely extinct! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! But you… you're different. For some reason, you're immune to the process. My guess is that you're just too much of a boy to be affected by the rays. You're interesting. I'd like to study you a bit more."
"Ya lost your right to do that after that laugh of yours, which, by the way, when I reverse the process, I'm gonna show to the boys of the world." He brought up a tape recorder.
"What the… where did you get that?!"
"Yeah, turns out with all the conspiracies going on and things looking good but turning out to be evil, I've gotten a little used to this. This time I'm gonna nip it in the bud!"
He carefully pocketed his recorder, but when he looked back at her, he noticed she was running away.
"Argh! I talk too much, I guess." He gave chase. Since Fur had a head start, it was harder for Numbuh 4 to catch her. However, he came across a door in a dead end. "Alright, let's see what's behind door number one!" He kicked down the door.
Behind it was a broom closet, and inside it was Lucy Fur, bound and gagged.
"Ahah! Got yourself stuck trying to use somethin' meant for me, eh? You girls ain't so tough."
Fur tried to say something emphatically, but couldn't make anything out.
"If you've got somethin' to say, say it clearer." He pulled off the gag.
"I'm not the girl you're looking for!" Lucy said in a firm, more gender-neutral voice.
"You're not the girl I'm looking for? But aren't you Lucy Fur?"
"That's just it! I am, she's not!"
"You're gonna have to do better than that. How do I know this isn't a trap?"
"Look. When I was a little girl, I used to have some older generation Rainbow Monkeys. But I didn't like the show that was made for it, so I made up my own adventures for them, sending them on epic quests to save the world."
Numbuh 4 paused. "Alright, that's a start. But what are you doing here? What's the real story with you?"
"Well, in the future, girls' entertainment will reach something of a plateau. They will eventually become so awful that a war between the sexes will break out. In the end, all feminine culture will be destroyed, and girls will become second class citizens with no role-models. I came back in time to stop this by creating my own TV show, and what better way to make it mainstream by having it be one of the most popular girls' shows ever?"
"And it worked… until the faker showed up."
"She must've found the time machine I used. She replaced me around the end of Season 2. We've got to find her!"
"Way ahead of you. Say, you got any futuristic tracking devices?"
"Can't help you there, but I think I know where she might be."
"Good enough! Let's move it!" He untied her and the two rushed off.
They travelled throughout the house, its design looking less feminine the deeper they went, until they finally came across a room that was filled with old action figures and TV memorabilia. Inside was the fake Lucy Fur.
"Of course," the real Lucy said. "The one place we'd never think to look in such a girly residence. The one room too gender-neutral to change. The one with all the toys I used to play with." She walked through the room, lovingly stroking the toys. "You know, you're pretty clever. Take a show everyone was watching, put yourself in charge of it, and then fill it with mind control broadcasts. I still have no idea what you'd get from all this, since you'd be made a second class citizen, too."
"Nonsense!" the fake Fur said. "I'd turn all the girls into boys, making the boys second class. I've been under the thumb of boys for too long, so I'd like to make things right! I thought you'd be happy, as a feminist."
"You're not a feminist! You're a misandrist! All we true feminists want is equality! You just want to place yourself over everyone else, Margie!"
"Margie… Madam Margaret?!" Numbuh 4 said.
Margie took off her disguise, revealing that since he last dealt with her, she had grown into a teenager.
"You know her?" Lucy asked.
"She tried this kinda stunt before, and I stopped her then. Don't remember her being this old, though."
"I'm from the future, you stupid boy!" Margie said. "Not that it matters. You have no idea what it's like to be put down by boys every year, to have the word 'girly' be a bad thing!"
"I do! And I did something good with my life! I tried to make things better!" Lucy said.
"And I'm trying to make things better, too!"
"FOR YOU! You're just making things better for you!"
"This clearly isn't going anywhere. I'll just have to use force! These Rainbow Monkey dolls have been augmented with technology from the future. They're now an army of drones! Robot army! Stop them!"
Nothing happened.
"I said, Robot army… stop them!"
"Here, let me try," Lucy said. "Robot army, stop her."
The toys turned on and swarmed Margie, pinning her to the ground.
"As I thought, they would've worked if you were wearing your disguise. They must've been programmed for my voice and facial features. Thus, they work for me and not you."
"This… this isn't fair!" She started beating her fists on the ground like a spoiled child. "It's not fair, not fair, Not Fair, NOT FAIR!"
"We're not done yet!" Numbuh 4 said. "We've gotta find the device that girlified everyone!"
"You go alone. I'm not boyish enough. I'd probably be affected," Lucy said.
"Right!" said Numbuh 4, and began to traverse around the house. "Now, if things got less girly when we got to that room, then if things get more girly, then it should lead me to…." He eventually came across a shocking pink room with a huge tower with a heart on top. "Bingo!"
Numbuh 4 stepped forward, but felt himself being pushed back. He also noticed his shirt was turning pink, his hair starting to grow longer. "Argh! Even this much girly's too much for me! Gotta hurry!" He forced his way into the tower's base, getting more and more like a girl as he went. He soon put an improvised nacho cheese bomb on the device, which itself was starting to morph into a wine and cheese plate. He pushed the detonator and the Girlifying Device was destroyed. The wave of femininity receded, turning the estate into its original, gender-neutral decor; the KND operatives into their original personalities; and even the members of the former "I Hate Rainbow Monkeys" club back to their metal loving ways.
The robot army forced the teen Margie back into the time machine, returning her to her future.
"She might be back at some point," said Lucy, "so I'm gonna try to raise the present Margie into a real feminist, just so she doesn't try this stunt again."
"Good idea. Don't want any more future problems," Numbuh 4 said. "Say, what'cha gonna do about the show?"
"Eh, some residue will still remain, but we can edit it out in post-production. I'll just put the show on hiatus until we can scrub the affective episodes."
"But with the show being so over the top girly, what can we do?"
"Eh, salvage what we can. Girly doesn't mean they were bad plotlines, you'll just have to edit those episodes. As for the rest, well, I'll just use the tried and true way of undoing things in TV Land…"
The next episode of the show opened up with Library Laughs Rainbow Monkey waking up from a dream of the last few episodes.
"Man, that last season was we-e-e-ird," Nubmuh 5 said.
"You tellin' me?" Nubmuh 2 said. "Why'd they have to make that bad guy into a good guy? He was a lot better as a villain."
"You did delete the mind-control frequency episodes like Numbuh 4 said, right?" Numbuh 1 said.
"Yep, all gone."
"Excellent. Thank you, Numbuh 4, for doing all this."
"Darn straight!" Numbuh 4 interjected.
"Eh, just don't let it get to your head."
"Well, I don't think anyone will miss those pieces of crud."
"GU-U-U-UYS!" Numbuh 3 yelled, bursting out of her room. "Where's all the last few episodes of Rainbow Monkeys! I wanna watch them but they're gone!"
"They'll rerun, we'll get them then," Numbuh 1 said.
"Yay!"
"Guess she's too girly to be affected," Numbuh 4 said.
"You two really are opposites, aren't you?" Numbuh 1 said.
"Maybe that's why you're such a good match!" Numbuh 2 said, giggling.
"Wh… I don't like her THAT way!" Numbuh 4 said. "That'd be more of a reason why we're not anything more than friends, right?"
"Oh, Wally, it's okay!" Numbuh 3 said, hugging Numbuh 4. "It's okay to like girly things!"
"Eh… whatever, Kuki."
Years later, everyone gathered around their TVs. The latest girls show was on, but boys of all ages joined too. No one judged anyone for their taste in media, they all had their own reasons for liking it.
And both genders were at last, equal.
End Transmission
With the publication of this story, we have reached the last of the original deviantART run. Around this point, I fell into a sort of depression and took a break from writing stories for a while. I eventually returned years later, after spending some time as an internet reviewer. With the skills I had seen from analyzing many works of fiction and television, I returned to writing with the next story in this two-pack.
Now for the customary notes and annotations.
"Numbuh 2 and 4 were watching the newest Japanese Cartoon about a loudmouth ninja when she burst through the door." A reference to Naruto, which would be airing on Toonami around the time the story takes place.
"Once upon a time," the female narrator began, "there was a council of four Rainbow Monkeys." To anyone who has not figured it out yet, this is a takeoff of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, specifically the phenomena of the fandom of the show. It'd be really fun for Rainbow Monkeys to do something similar.
"And what's all this doing in my history textbook?" A reference to an FIM parody, Camaraderie is Supernatural. I only regret at the time I couldn't think of a better joke than they did.
"and we have concluded that its creator, Lucy Fur," A bit of a roundabout reference. The creator of FiM is Lauren Faust. Lucy Fur is a take off her last name, being a pun off 'Lucifer'.
"It only gets better. The season premiere for Season 2 has the guy who plays Puck from Gargoyles voicing a guy who's just like Puck! Flippin! Puck!" Season 2 of FiM begins with an episode featuring a character voiced by John DeLancie. DeLancie is famous for playing Q in Star Trek: The Next Generation, and Discord has many of his mannerisms and personality traits, albeit more cartoony. To bring the reference around full-circle, Puck's actor, Brent Spiner, also played a character in Star Trek: TNG, Data.
"Hello, you've reached the Kid-Tacular Kid's Channel! How can I help you?" See the Season 1 episode CABLE-TV for more info on that. Given the exclusive distribution of many cartoons in this era, it's not too surprising that the network previously responsible for airing three different spinoffs of Rainbow Monkeys would pick up the newest show, too.
"THERE ISNO TEN, YOU BUTTHEAD!" Based off a gag from Red Vs. Blue.
""I'm not the girl you're looking for!" Lucy said in a firm, more gender-neutral voice." Star Wars, natch.
"Look. When I was a little girl, I used to have some older generation Rainbow Monkeys. But I didn't like the show that was made for it, so I made up my own adventures for them, sending them on epic quests to save the world." Lauren Faust, who Fur is based off, did much the same as a little girl.
"You're not a feminist! You're a misandrist! All we true feminists want is equality!" Lauren Faust believes the same way, and wrote an entire episode of The Powerpuff Girls (another Cartoon Network show) that criticized false feminism.
"You just want to place yourself over everyone else, Margie!" And with that, we have a return of a rarely-used villain. Margie has a lot of potential in her kinds of storytelling, and I'd like to use her at least one more time.
"FOR YOU! You're just making things better for you!" South Park, natch.