You've never seen him smile. Or if you have, it was always a smirk in passing, just a mocking bit of amusement when you'd done something stupid or you'd told a bad joke. In fact, you used to make jokes about how he never smiled, about how it was impossible. The more you joked, the more reluctant he seemed to let even one corner of his mouth twitch up, and sometimes you swear you saw him physically cover his mouth, as if he considered it a taboo expression. It made your heart ache, but you never brought it up. It never seemed your place to mention it, like it was some forbidden expression of concern that you were not allowed to initiate. A line that you could not cross; it just never felt right.
Now he's smiling, and you feel like your heart is going to burst out of your chest. He looks so happy and genuine, his laughter coming out in short bursts of sharp notes that cut through the air. You could listen to it forever- you want to listen to it forever. You feel like everything has been building up to this moment, like you were destined to see this, to cause this, to be here with him. You want to make him smile like this every day for the rest of your life. You want to make him laugh like this- loud, open, carefree- all the time. You want to make him happy. Karkat looks at you, and your heart jumps into your throat while your stomache erupts in a flurry of giddy butterflies. He's so beautiful.
"What?" He snaps after a moment, his smile fading, and you realize that your face is still frozen in an expression of wonder. You close your mouth abruptly, and look elsewhere, to the trees and the sky and the stars. Anywhere but his face.
"Oh, I. Uh, nothing," your face flushes, your ears and cheekbones flooding with heat, "I just, uh. Nothing. Sorry, I've just. I've just never seen you smile like that," your chest feels hot, and you are so embarrassed. If only you could reverse time, like Dave. Then you'd definitely slap yourself before you ever got the chance to let those words slip out.
"It's not like I can't smile," he says scathingly, and you try to hide your nervous jitters. This is bad, this is so bad, "I'm allowed to have emotions and feelings. You act like I'm only ever allowed to be angry!" You cannot believe that you are having these feelings right now. For your friend. You cannot believe this. It's like your brain flipped a switch, and now you're seeing Karkat in a whole new light. Everything he says is so important, and you feel like you're hanging on his every word. God. How could you let this this happen?
"Every fucking time I manage more than a scowl, you act like it's a goddamn miracle! I'm so sorry that I'm actually a living thing with feelings that are sometimes- hold onto your fucking hats here, kids, this information might shock you- positive! Oh boy, Karkat is smiling, everybody call a shitting ambulance, I think there might be something wrong! Holy shitting fuck, are you even listening to me?" You jolt when he pushes you sharply, and you look over at him. He looks absolutely livid, his red eyes practically burning a hole into you. He also looks a little upset, hurt almost. You feel like he might have been wanting to say this for quite some time now, "I mean, is it really that shocking? Am I reallythat terrible that my smile raises so much alarm?"
"What, no!" You shout, and lower your volume immediately, "No, not at all, dude, you are so not terrible, okay, I was just surprised because you never really smile? I'm sorry if I looked like a moron, but I really didn't mean anything by it! Like I said, you always just seem so... reluctant. To smile." He looks away, his stance relaxing slightly. You want nothing more than to hug him and tell him he can smile whenever he likes, really, because it is the most amazing thing you have ever seen. The words are bubbling up your throat before you can stop them, but thankfully he starts talking before you can embarrass yourself.
"Yeah, well. Maybe if everyone didn't act like that, I would smile more," he clenches and unclenches his hands, and then starts picking at his fingernails absently. His tone distracted, and his eyes far away, he mutters a small, "Whatever," and falls into silence. You watch him for a little while longer. You feel like your heart is in a vice.
"You know, I," you clear your throat and fiddle with the end of your shirt, your eyes darting away from him and back again, "I'm really sorry, and I really... I liked your smile, I... Um," you scratch the back of your neck and hug yourself nervously, "I'd, uh. I'd really like it if. You smiled more, because. Your smile was really nice... so. Yeah," you shiver, full of nervous energy, and glance towards him again to see him looking at you, staring so intently that you lose your nerve and look away immediately, "I mean, uh, if you wanted to. I'm just saying that I, uh. I wouldn't be apposed and. God," you cover your face with your hands to hide your embarrassment, "I'm just gonna. Stop talking now, okay? Okay. Yeah."
You stay like that for a long time, hunched over with your face resting in your hands, until you hear a quiet snort next to you. When you jerk your head up to look, you see him facing away from you, his entire frame shaking with silent laughter. Your heart lurches, and when you breathe in and out it is shallow and quick. He turns towards you, lips stretched into a wide grin, and you let out a shaky laugh as you smile back.
"You're such a fucking idiot," he says, and you couldn't agree more. Because you'd never seen him smile before.
And you never knew what you'd been missing.
This is so dumb, I apologize. I just got the urge to write some fluffy johnkat. I hope you enjoyed, and thanks for reading :)