In an age when the world was filled iron and soot, in which political power came from steam, and technology was almost indistinguishable from magic, two great sovereigns waged war. One of them was Bawlz-Ak, a good old-fashioned kingdom of men, ruled by a super-powerful, super-awesome king.
But we speak of times that weren't so awesome for the kingdom. For it was being encroached from the west by an aggressive matriarchal Gla'Moor empire. Led by a ruthless empress, the imperial invaders sought to enslave all men, and sissify all that was masculine with the dreaded icon of the unicorn.
Armed with witchcraft enhanced by infernal devices, imperial armies of wiener-hating amazonian tyrants quickly conquered much of Bawlz-Ak's mass. Until finally their advance was halted by brave warrior men, aided by the kingdom's clever alchemists and machinists.
But then the war's outcome became more uncertain, as both nations faced growing danger from within in the form of traitorous brigands. The eastern borders of Bawlz-Ak were devastated by the "Chaos Raiders," led by a mad scientist who invented the most diabolic war machines ever. Meanwhile, the western reaches of Gla'Moor had been razed by barbarians known only as "the Huns," led by a pair of savage women who killed with brutal efficiency.
Just as the future already seemed bleakest, Bawlz-Ak's spy network brought more troubling news to their king. Both the Gla'Moors and Chaos Raiders were seeking a mythical warrior, one said to have traveled through the gates of time to restore balance and bring unity. The super-cool king of Bawlz-Ak, in his superior wisdom, realized he needed to find the legendary hero first. For if such power were to fall into wicked hands, doom would be upon the world.
"That's your plan, fatass," Stan deadpanned, "pester the new kid yet again, and expect different results."
"What, you got a better plan?" Cartman challenged with his usual indignation, "last time I checked, your stupid landship got wrecked in battle."
"I've got an idea," Craig said with his trademark sarcasm, "it's called 'lets talk later somewhere more private than the fucking cafeteria'." He then popped a tater tot in his mouth for emphasis.
"I'm the king!" Cartman shouted, "and I say we talk now! We don't have time to waste after school!"
"Brilliant, your majesty," Kyle rolled his eyes, "just in case Butters or the girls weren't already trying to eavesdrop."
"Shut your fucking Jewhole!" Cartman petulantly folded his arms.
"A-ah!" Tweek dropped his fork, "there's too much shouting."
"Look," Cartman adopted his 'serious' tone, "the girls and the raiders are both trying the same thing. It's only a matter of time before one of them makes Douchebag an offer he can't refuse. Our only chance is to beat them to it. We have to make that offer first."
"Mm mmwa mommuh mumma me?" Kenny asked, having just finished his free lunch.
"That's a stupid question, Kenny," Cartman snapped, "one of us has to spend more time with him. Spy on him."
"Bu-but that's just wrong, ah!" Tweek was twitching noticeably more.
"Well maybe we could afford to play nice," Cartman raised his voice, "if you picked a better character than a one-armed alchemist and didn't fuck up the last fight."
"Don't yell at him," Craig stood up, anger in his voice.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Cartman put his hands on his cheeks, "did I ruin your romantic, candlelight dinner?"
"Whatever," Craig grabbed his food tray, "I don't feel like watching His Fatness go Fukushima again. Come on Tweek."
"Oh, thank Christ!" he didn't need to be told twice.
"Su~ure," it was Cartman's turn to roll his eyes, "go puss out with Douchebag."
"Maybe we will," Craig flipped the bird without looking back.
Just then, Jimmy, Timmy, and Clyde approached the table, fully-loaded trays in hand. "There was a h-hold up in the l-line," Jimmy explained.
"Timmy!" Clyde and Jimmy took over the freshly vacated seats as Timmy wheeled up to the table edge.
Clyde picked-up his fork. "What did we miss?"
"...and then Tweek said he wanted to be an alchemist with a metal arm like the Fullmetal Alchemist," Scott Malkinson explained, "and he wanted Craig to play his brother. But his majesty King Eldrick Carterman... That's Eric steampunk name, by the way..." Sitting next to Scott, quietly listening to his story, was a black child who wore a navy blue shirt and a purple beanie. "King Carterman had already decreed Craig as our landship admiral, Orville Whowood. I was worried this was going to turn into a fight. So I stepped in and said, 'if Tweek needs a brother, I can be his brother.' But I hadn't watched Fullmetal Alchemist, so I only found out later that his brother's soul was trapped in a big suit of armor, like a robot. So I looked up 'steampunk robot images' and..." the new kid kept eating while listening to Scott. It did sound like the boys were having fun, despite Cartman.
"Hey Douchebag, ah! Scott," Tweek interrupted them as he and Craig approached their table.
"Mind if we sit here?" Craig took a seat opposite of Scott before he finished asking, "I've had enough of Roseanne's rants for one day."
"The more the merrier," Scott happily said, "I was just telling the New Kid about how I came up with my costume," he turned back the new kid, "so I finished building the costume before I found out that picture was from Bioshock, which wasn't even steampunk. But the king let me keep it anyways because the drill arm was awesome."
"The drill arm is nice an' all," Butters approached the table with a full tray, "but my lightning gun landship is even more powerful," he sat down next to the new kid, "sorry I'm late. I was the last in line, and the line stopped moving for some reason. Anyway, I invented a big lightning gun," a smile spread across his face, "and mounted it on a landship. It was slow moving so I had to take some armor off. But nobody gets close enough to damage it anyways, so it works real nice."
"Nice?! Ah!" Tweek didn't share Butter's enthusiasm, "you destroyed entire towns. Aa-ah!"
"Calm down Tweek," Craig took his boyfriend's hand, "it's just a game."
"True," Scott added, "but it did take us a whole hour to rebuild. And we're running out of cardboard and duct tape. So it's not hard to see why Eric's upset. We're not doing too well."
"All the more reason for you to surrender," gloated Butters, "you guys can't even beat the girls. But you betcha the Chaos Raiders can."
"Whatever," Craig shrugged.
"Bu-but Craig," Tweek pleaded, "we're losing! Ah!"
"We can't win them all," Craig gently patted Tweek's shoulder, "sometimes it's not worth it anyway," he then turned to Douchebag, "speaking of which, King Fatass wants to strong-arm you into joining us. Don't let him."
"Hey!" Cartman yelled from the other table, "I heard that you butt-fucking traitor!"
Craig flipped him off without looking away from Douchebag, "every time you join these games, things get weirder than usual. I'm fine with you sitting this out."
"And you're still invited to play Star Trek Bridge Crew," added Kevin Stoley.
"Ah! Where'd you come from Kevin?!"
"Um, I was here the whole time," Kevin was a bit perplexed by Tweek's question, "you sat down right next to me."
Butters swallowed more food then said, "Butthole ain't just sitting it out, you guys."
"What?! A-ah-ah!" Tweek and Scott were taken aback, and Craig glanced between Douchebag and Butters suspiciously.
"Did'ya forget? He set up that social media hub for us."
"Oh, that," Craig rolled his eyes. Of course it turned out to be nothing.
"Oh yeah," Scott brought his hand up to this chin, "what was it called again?"
"A masturbate instance," Tweek giggled at Craig's joke.
"Mastodon," Kevin corrected, "and an instance is like a franchise for..."
"Ugh," Craig's earlier hint wasn't enough, "don't care."
"So-o," Scott asked "you still seeing that speech therapist, New Kid?"
After a moment of awkward glancing, "yep," Craig said, "we totally didn't expect that."
"Don't worry, buddy" Butters patted Douchebag's back, "it's fine if you don't talk."
"Yeah," Tweek added, "we're here for you."
"You can count on us, et cetera," Craig was as compassionate as ever.
"There is one thing about this game that interests me," said Kevin, "one of The Hun's leaders, Scourge Lydia."
"I thought you were going steady with Red?" asked Butters.
"What?" Kevin blinked, "no, I meant there's something strange about her."
"She's from out of town," said Craig, "we figured that much out."
"Really?" asked Kevin, "how do you figure that?"
"Gee, let's see here," Craig pretended to open a notepad, "she's black. There's only three black kids at this school. Douchebag ain't playing, Nicole is with the empire, and Token is with us. So-o-o..."
"Point taken," Kevin stared down at his tray for a second before continuing, "but I was actually getting at how she's getting lots of followers quickly, despite wearing a mask in all her selfies, and nobody knowing who she is. Except for the other leader, Attila Jessie."
"Isn't that Jessica Rodriguez? Ah!"
"She's doesn't seem be telling anyone who her partner really is," Scott noted, "but you've been hanging out with her during school lately, haven't you New Kid? Maybe you could try asking her," Douchebag stared at Scott, "if you're curious that is."
"Maybe you should ask her," said Butters, "for your own sake. I mean, if she's making so many friends online so fast, maybe she has a similar gift for social media as you do. Shucks, why not?"
"And according to everyone who met her in person, she talks a lot," Kevin added, "so-o opposites attract?" everyone looked at Kevin, "what. I'm just saying the two of them might hit it off."
"Su-ure," oh Craig, the poe-faced straight-talker "that's why Douchebag is hanging out with Jessie, to bang some stranger."
"Ah! Don't pick on Douche… Huh?! Ah!" Tweek stopped when he noticed an odd look in Douchebag's eyes. It was only there for less than a second, too quick to know what it was. But while the other kids didn't notice it, they did notice Tweek's reaction. They all fell silent.
...for a second. "Wait," Scott broke it, "so you like Jessica?"
"New Kid and Jes-sie," Kevin started to sing, "sittin' in a tree..."
"No singing," Craig interrupted "except around my fist in your mouth."
Kevin sank back, "I'm sorry."
"But she's a bandit leader. Ah! And then there's the things people say about her. That she's a slut who's been with many boys... Ah! And she even went to the abortion clinic once."
"Hmm, she does sound like someone who could toy with your heart," said Scott, "and then just as easily run a sword through it."
"Aw, but what's life without a little," Butters paused dramatically, "chaos? Mwa, ha, ha," he then quickly straightened up, "but seriously Butthole, be careful around her. It'd be a shame if she hurt you," he didn't expect Douchebag to look away like he just did. Butters follow his gaze to a clock on the wall, "oh hamburgers! Lunch is almost over," he started devouring his food in haste, as Douchebag stood up and went to dump his tray.
"See ya New Kid," Scott waved him off.
"Ah! Later man."
"Live long and prosper."
"Mm," gulp, "bye Butthole."
"Don't let her bite your wiener off."
"Cra-aig! Ah!"
Outside the cafeteria, the New Kid glanced around the empty halls. Finally alone, a long suppressed smirk crept onto her face. The boys still hadn't pieced together the truth. Though they did get too close for comfort.
Craig's off-hand joke about being with Jessica Rodriguez unexpectedly fired-up her imagination. And dammit, she slipped and didn't quite hide her reaction. But it was probably a blessing in disguise, as it provided misdirection just when she needed it most. Then again, the more she thought about it, the more likely it seemed that such rumors were already spreading anyway.
The most immediate problem was trying to stop thinking about it. It didn't help that she was indeed looking for Jessie right then.
"Over here 'Hun'," she heard Jessica call out. And that was another likely reason people jumped to conclusions. Jessie may have kept tight-lipped about her identity, but she really needed to work on the art of subtlety. Especially since she seemed to have chosen the 'Cissies' restroom for this meeting. "Inside quick," she said as she glanced around.
Author's notes: First of all, yes this a Fem New Kid story.
Second, I ask any steampunk devotees and/or aficionados reading this story to curb their expectations if they haven't already. As you might have guessed, I'm pretty ignorant of steampunk, despite being interested enough to write a story with it. There will be some steampunk themed battles and play, but they're not the focus of this story. Which brings me to...
Third, this is primarily about character drama, angst, and comedy. Hopefully the last will at least be worth a grain of salt.