Pre-Prologue: I have no idea what this is or where it came from. All I know is that I lost about an hour and a half of my weekend and I don't know where it went… and then I found this on my USB. There had to be something in it, so I decided to put it up for you all to tell me what you think. Enjoy.
Prologue:
Severus Snape, vampire slayer, has realised his lifelong dream – to hijack a jumbo jet slash plane. With a bit of help from Loony Lovegood, Bob, his family and himself, he had decided to take over the world with his extraordinary vampire slaying powers…
"Would all persons travelling to England please go to Bay 7 to board the plane. Thank you for your cooperation."
A cloaked man smiled mysteriously to himself. Briefly. Every step took Severus Snape (that's me, he thought,) closer to hijacking a jumbo jet. His lifelong dream was about to unfold… Wow, what an achievement. But then, of course, there was the matter of family. They always seemed to be in the right place at the wrong time. Unless they were in the wrong place at the right time, but that was completely beside the point. They would all want to go on the plane, and Snape could just imagine their cries. Their long… wailing… cries…
'Oh, my Severus has his own jumbo jet!'
'I made a cake to mark this momentous occasion, but I ate it, so I made another cake. I ate that one as well, so I just gave up. I bought oatmeal cookies instead!' Oh, joy, oatmeal cookies, my favourite, he thought.
'OMG, he has a JUMBO HET! My hero,'
Well, what else could he expect, he thought sadly. He was going to have a jumbo jet. Of course he was going to be popular. From now on, it would be all 'Can I have a ride in the jumbo jet, Severus? Can I, can I?' And they'd keep on asking until he gave in. Now, Sev didn't exactly know who they were, but it was guaranteed they'd want a ride. Hopefully, jet wouldn't be too comfortable. Then everybody would be rushing off as fast as they could. But the jet seats had to be a bit comfortable. Snape put his luggage – stakes, garlic cloves and all – on the turnstile and went to board the plane at long last.
The plane, Snape was surprised to find, was actually quite comfortable (lucky for him), if a bit slow. Maybe, if he just sped it up a bit, nobody would notice… But it was too risky; one of the muggles might see him. That would be a catastrophe, as it always is when somebody sees a slightly insane person waving a stick in the air. Out of the blue, he heard a high laugh next to him. It was a girl with white blonde hair, and really random clothes. She had a bright blue pair of tracksuit pants and a light purple top, and her hair was tied back in a pink ribbon. And, probably most random of all, she was reading a muggle comic backwards. When he mentioned this to the girl, who seemed about 16, she laughed again, and said in an unnaturally high voice that suited her dreamy expression, "It's manga! It's meant to be read backwards!"
"Mag-na…" said Snape, sounding it out slowly. It was clearly a new word for him.
"No, it's pronounced 'man-ga'. This is Naruto. You can read it, if you like." Feeling stupid, Snape opened the front cover (or what he guessed was the front cover) and looked at the owner's name.
"Oh, I know you. You're Loony -- I mean Luna Lovegood! You go to Hogwarts?"
"I knew you'd recognise me sooner or later, Professor! But my father is considering putting me in Beauxbatons for my final year…" Her voice trailed away, and Snape started reminiscing. Professor… How long had it been since anybody had called him professor? He started reading, and was soon spellbound. Heh. Get it? Spellbound?
The book was finished and returned to Loony in an hour. Snape thought back to certain parts of the book. He especially loved that part with all the naked chicks, and just wished it were him that they were madly in love with. Hey… I thought that sort of stuff was censored! Anywho… Snape then thought back to the part with the part with the multiple doppelgangers. To produce even one doppelganger would be enough for his non-existent plan, it would be like having a brother. Or was that a clone? He couldn't remember which. So, Snape reached into his bag, pulled out a totally cool laptop, and tried to remember the web address for all those 'forgotten' spells that nobody knows about until they look on this website. While he tried to remember it, he thought, 'Isn't it great to have the Internet on auto start?' That was probably the most random thing he had ever thought. But I guess we will all just have to learn to live with it.
"Yay! I remembered the website!" he yelled, and typed it in: - it was probably the most simple website in the whole wizarding world, let alone the only one. What a shame Snape could never remember it. It wasn't really his fault: he received two hits to the head as a baby. Man, did this take a long time to load. At long last, the home page of Dot Muggle Dot Com came up. In the search box, he typed 'doppelganger'. Amazingly, he spelt it correctly. That page took even longer to load.
"Maybe, I should concentrate on hijacking the plane… That might be a useful thing to do!" And so, standing up and placing the laptop on the chair, he walked to the cockpit. On the way (he was near the back of the plane), he ran through what he was going to say in his head.
" 'Get out. I'm an armed vampire slayer named Severus censored Snape, and I'm stealing this jet from Jet Star to help in my vampire slaying activities!' Yep, that sounds good," he said. "But perhaps I shouldn't tell the pilot my middle name," he added as an afterthought. And it's probably lucky that he thought that. The world isn't ready to hear his middle name. Sure know I'm not – which is why I censored it.
"Get out!" he demanded, bursting into the cockpit, "I'm an armed vampire slayer and I'm… Bob, is that you?" This speech wasn't going as well as Snape had planned, but hopefully the jet napping would go better.
The one named Bob smiled. "Sev! I didn't know you were a vampire slayer!" Judging by this ongoing conversation, I think we can safely guess that they know each other. In fact, I'm almost certain that they knew each other at school…
"I didn't know you were a pilot! But, unfortunately, I'm not here for friendly conversations with old friends. And I don't mean to say that you're old, I just mean that I haven't seen you for a while. The reason I came flying… I mean, walking casually into the cockpit is that I need to hold hostage a plane to help with my vampire slaying activities. And maybe after that, I'll attempt to take over the world. Will you help?" Snape looked at Bob hopefully.
Bob spun around in his chair to face Snape, hoping that the plane didn't crash into anything while he wasn't driving. "I'm sorry, I can't just hand over a jet to you like that. What if you were a pilot, and I was a vampire slayer? Would you just give a plane to me when I demanded one?" he asked, spinning around in his chair all the while. He looked like he was having fun.
"I didn't say hand it over, I asked if you wanted to help me. That could be fun! Just you and me and a plane spending quality time together… It would be like a camping trip! Only, in a plane… Not a tent…"
Bob thought about the proposal. "Ok, I'll drive this plane for you while you go and do vampire slaying activities. But remember, you can't fly the jet. You'd need a jet flying license, just like you'd need a horse driving license to drive a horse!"
Snape thought long and hard about what Bob said. Hmm, a horse-driving license, that wouldn't be half bad… He held out his hand. "Deal. You drive the plane, and I'll attempt to get my horse driving license!" he stated. Bob stared up at him blankly. Horse-driving license, where did he get that idea, thought Bob.
"Uh, I mean, I'll go do vampire slaying activities…" said Snape. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. The plane veered to the left as the back of Bob's chair nudged the joystick, which, funnily enough, had been installed by the boss after he witnessed Bob's great joystick manoeuvring abilities.
Quickly, Bob spun his chair around and took control of the plane again. "You… go. Do your vampire slaying activities, and I'll do my jet driving." Snape walked back to his seat, glad that somebody understood how he felt about kidnapping a plane. He sat back down and looked at the laptop. It had finally loaded. He looked at the spell. It seemed pretty simple. Searching through the many pockets in his cloak for his wand, he repeated the spell in his head. After not too long, he'd memorized it. Which was lucky, because Snape didn't remember having so many pockets in that cloak. It was confirmed that his wand was in fact in one of the numerous pockets when he actually found it. The annoying piece of wood was kept in the same pocket as his private diary where he keeps all his secrets that he doesn't want anyone to know. For example, the fact that he likes Professor McGonagall and oh my god please don't kill me Snape I'm so sorry!
Now, back to the story. "What's this doing here? I thought I left that beneath my pillow!" he stated, and thrust it back into his pocket. He pointed his wand between his eyes – kids, please don't do this at home – and said the spell. For the sake of safety, it is forbidden to repeat that certain spell out loud, and I'm truly sorry. In a flash of light, the spell hit Snape. He flew backwards and hit the window face first. This was followed by his face sliding down the window. His face became severely mutated as it descended down the glass. A stranger rushed over to see if he was ok.
"Hey, are you alright?" the stranger asked. Snape rolled over onto his back and started to speak, and found himself looking back into a pair of eyes completely identical to his own. In fact, every feature of the stranger was exactly identical to his own.
"Yeah, I'm fine. But do you know what this means? It worked! The spell worked!" Snape got up and looked around. The muggles were running around like headless chickens, demanding for the plane to land. In the corner, another Snape was coiled, looking around with wide eyes. There were three Snapes. Not only had the original Snape managed to create one real doppelganger, he'd managed to make two. Even if one of them was a little bit flawed. The original Snape looked at the first clone, and nodded. They hoisted the second clone up, and took him to the cockpit. It was much slower than the first time Snape had walked up there, partially because of the chaos reigning over the muggles, and also partially because the second Snape clone was really heavy. They burst into the cockpit again, surprising Bob so much that he jumped really high.
"Hey, guess what, Bob!" Original Snape cried in delight. "There's three of me!"
Bob, still gasping for air, turned around to face them. "So there is. Well, at least you'll be able to spend time with me while you're not here doing your vampire slaying…"
"Mmm, we all win," said the first Snape clone, rolling his eyes.
"Don't be mean! Just 'coz Bob likes me better than you doesn't mean you have to be all sulky!" accused the second Snape clone, getting over his irrational fear of 'things'.
"Yeah! I don't need any of your smartass comments!" cried Snape. His feelings were overtaken by an unmistakable urge. "C'mon, Snapes! Let's go vampire slaying!" he hissed. He pulled out a compass, needle spinning quickly. It stopped, shuddering slightly, in the West quadrant. It looked like the next vampire was on the plane. Snape ran to meet the vampire, and the Snape clones turned to face one another. Were they ready for their first vampire hunt? Will the 2nd Snape clone lose any weight? And is Bob secretly smuggling chocolate in the cockpit and eating it all himself? All your questions will be answered in the next episode of 'Severus Snape: Vampire Slayer'! Stay tuned!
Man, this must be the stupidest thing I've ever written… Aaargh! Snape, I'm so sorry I swear I'll never spill any of your deepest darkest secrets ever again! Please don't kill me! If I die, then that means you don't have any clones!