Angels sang out in an immaculate chorus
Down from the heavens descended Chuck Norris
Who delivered a kick which could shatter bones
Into the crotch of Indiana Jones
-Lemon Demon, Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
Mind Melding
Theresa collapsed against the bar in a fit of giggles, one hand trying to support her aching abdomen. She pounded a fist as a wave of humor wracked her, nearly knocking over her gin and tonic. "Oh," she exclaimed her hand flashing out to steady the glass before chuckling more calmly again.
"Chuck Norris counted to infinity…twice," her friend Kari said, sending her into another small fit.
Collecting herself she returned, "Chuck Norris has already been to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life."
"Ooh and the related:" her voice deepening to a professorial bass, "Chuck Norris does not go hunting because 'hunting' infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing."
They leaned together enjoying the mirth deepening their guts but lightening their mood.
"Well, d'uh. You know, Kari," Theresa said trying to calm herself down and putting on the appearance of changing the subject, "when the Boogeyman goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris."
This sent her nearly toppling off the stool in a hard throated bout of laughter. Theresa watched as the veins and tendons in Kari's throat strained against the hoarse cackle.
Not giving her friend a chance to recover fully now that she had regained her balance, she continued, "The Great Wall of China was built to keep Chuck Norris out." She paused for the pleasure of watched her friend gently kick the bar in a helpless flail. "It failed. Miserably." She laughed at Kari's inability to sit still for half a second when she was this tickled by shoddy humor. "Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of saying sometimes corn needs to lay the fuck down."
Kari squealed and slapped at Theresa's thigh. "Hate you," she huffed out in a sort of hysterical, helpless hiss. "Hate you."
"Only because you are jealous of Chuck Norris because the four horsemen of the apocalypse live in Chuck Norris' nutsack," Theresa scolded giddily, sending Kari slipping off her stool in another bemused convulsion. She reached for her friend who was rescued more successfully by a passing manager of the restaurant.
"You know ladies," José said helping Kari—still snorting her glee—to right herself. "Sometimes I think I should cut you off before you even order." He shook his head, eyeing them confusedly.
Kari straightened her face and patted his hand where it rested on her arm. "That wouldn't get you anything. We're just as silly on Coke."
"Stopping letting them mainline drugs off the bar, Ben," he reprimanded the bartender mockingly. "Just don't crack your skull open. I like you." He grimaced a grin at them and went to check on the kitchen and get ones for the bar. They really were sweet girls, just crazy.
"José's up tight tonight," Kari said generally receiving a nod from Ben and Theresa.
"He clearly doesn't realize that when you watch Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick in slow motion that he not only kicks his victim but rapes him in the ass and smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary."
Theresa tsked while Ben shook his head and walked away to serve another guest and Kari giggled again. "Poor José," she said and laughed too.
"At least he knows that Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer."
"Too bad he never cries," Theresa shook her head again.
"Damn shame," Kari agreed shaking her own head sadly until they both burst out chortling.
"I heard," said a strange man who had recently taken the seat on the far side of Theresa, "Chuck Norris' iPod came with an actual charger not just a USB cord."
The girls watched him take a swig from the beer bottle before him while they felt and heard their mirth dying.
"And that when Chuck Norris had surgery they gave the anesthesia to the doctors," he added hastily.
"Ha," Kari said attempting to be nice, "that's nice."
"Chuck Norris," Ben said taking pity on the poor guy trying to hit on the two happy, good looking, apparently single women at the bar, "was once approached by his evil twin—Richard Simmons—to reconcile but the sight of Simmons' well kept curly hair so enraged him that he turned green and ripped his evil twin's arms and legs off, spawning the idea for Marvel's The Incredible Hulk." He watched Kari and Theresa return to their amused state and looked at the man at the bar. Waiting.
"Chuck Norris knows what Willis is talkin' 'bout," Kari called out.
"Chuck Norris knows where Carmen SanDiego is," Theresa returned.
"Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer," Ben slipped in.
"Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight," the schlub added and was rewarded with silence from both young women and Ben.
"Too soon, dude," he said taking the empty bottle from the bar. "Too soon."
The guy was stunned and a little stunted by the reaction. His mouth worked, trying to find something to say. His cell, laying on the bar, suddenly glowed and hummed against the wood. He gratefully jumped for it and dashed away to answer the call.
Once he was out of earshot the three exchanged a look and broke out in laughter, less gleeful and more relieved.
"Oh, thank god." Kari took a sip of her wine then set it back down and watched Ben refill it a little from the bottle behind the bar.
"He wasn't so bad." Theresa stuck by her statement even at Kari's raised eyebrow. "Well, better than that guy who said, 'Chuck Norris always gets laid on the first date…"
They both laughed lightly and replied, tipping their heads down and looking deep into each other's eyes lasciviously. "Always."
Ben laughed as he wedged the cork as deep into the bottle as he could, giving his hands something to do. "When the fuck was this?"
"Weeks ago, you weren't on. I can't believe José or Kurt didn't tell you about it," Kari said waving her hand and reclaiming her glass.
"The guy wasn't a dumb post, he was a loser," Theresa continued.
"Average height."
"Average pudge."
"Average imagination."
"Average libido."
"For someone whose never been able to con someone with any self-esteem into sleeping with him, no matter how drunk."
Ben smiled, watching them tell a story was a riot.
"And he comes over."
"Just plops in between us like he's just going to order but no."
"And he looks at both of us saying he'd heard how we liked Chuck Norris and did we know…"
"Always," they said together again.
"Tell me Kurt rang him for every drink he thought of ordering."
The girls laughed.
"What did you do?" He was curious to know, he'd never seen the ladies really be mean even though he'd seen them not-gently repel unwanted suitors.
"Did you know multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger?" Kari said coyly.
"And that China was once bordering the US but then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it through the earth?"
Ben smiled. "I might have heard that."
"Shit," Kari gasped, looking down at her phone. She jumped up and smiled at Ben, eyes asking for the check quickly.
"If Chuck Norris is ever running late, time better slow the fuck down." Theresa squeaked out, knowing why Kari was getting ready to dash and earning her a glare from her friend. "Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany," she called out after Kari's back while she yanked on her coat which got her a curt wave.
"What was that," Ben asked facing the bills Kari had left to pay for the single glass of wine he'd charged her for.
"Chuck Norris drinks Napalm to quell his heartburn."
"Some day I'm really going to have to learn to speak Chuck Norris."
"Translation?" Ben nodded at Theresa who felt bad about gossiping about Kari's life even though none of it wasn't anything her best friend would have not told Ben had she not had to run. And feeling like a good friend for taking her out to get her mind off the impending doom. "Her mom's coming in on the train tonight for a meeting tomorrow. She's got to meet her at the station and put her up at her place. Her mom is… one of those."
Ben made a face at the bar, understanding clearly. "Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates martial arts so if he ever greets you with a roundhouse kick don't be insulted he may just be saying he likes your shoes?"
"See you do speak Chuck Norris." She smiled at him. This was one of the reasons they came to this bar, they had friends on staff.
"What's she gonna do?"
Theresa shrugged. "What she always does."
"Get laid on the first date."
Theresa chuckled. "No. When his martial arts prowess fails Chuck Norris plays dead. If that fails Chuck Norris plays zombie." There was a tense moment while Theresa worried about how hurt and tired Kari would be by the end of this little visit. "Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer," she said sadly.
"Too bad he never cries." Ben watched a weak smile cross her face and planed to make sure the girls got wasted the next time they came in.