Disclaimer: Do NOt own LOTR or its characters, only borrowed for a bit...I DO own OFC and any other OCs stated herein. Enjoy!
Warning: Not Responsible for soiling of drawers, or sides hurting for the laughter...
Warning! Foul Language, Crude Humor and Later Graphic Sex...
Chapter One: The Intruder
Haldir paced as he looked down at the girl, knelt before him. His eyes roaming her form, trying to figure out from where she came.
The girl, on her knees, her eyes cast down at the ground in front of her, did not look up. She was dirty, smelly and seemed quite disarrayed from her obvious journey. Her hair matted with mud, the color unrecognizable. Her clothing is what Haldir focused on, strange they were, unlike anything he knew to be normal for the lands surrounding Lothlorien.
She wore britches of a harsh material of blue with little specks of white in it, pockets adorned the sides on her hips and on the backside. Her shirt, which he decided had once been white, was not smudged with dirt, and without sleeves of any kind. The collar came down to a point just above her bosom. The coverings on her feet appeared to be white as well but were severely torn and appeared falling apart, with laces that were tattered and frayed at the ends. Curious these clothing she wore.
He could still not see her face fully, so he bent before her and placed his hand on her chin. Forcing her to look at him, he was stunned by the faint beauty of her eyes. Deep brown, resembling the bark of trees that grew in Mirkwood. He did not smile, nor did he speak, and looked deep in those darken pools to see what was held in her soul. This ability was one of the many that he possessed and had attributed to his becoming the March Warden. But he saw nothing, she was closed off to him. He let go of her face and stood up, looking down he continued his study of her.
She was human, clear and simple, but not like he had seen in his travels over Middle Earth. She was rounder, fuller in all aspects. Her features were fair, but the shape of her face was rounder, pudgier. He stopped at looked down at her straight forward.
"You, girl, have entered our woods, uninvited and unwanted. What business do you have here?" He asked sternly, emphasizing his authority.
The girl, timidly and full of weary, looked at him fully. Her skin was littered with tiny cuts crusted with dried blood, mud and bruises. Her face turned to confusion a little, as if she understood what tongue was being used. She did not smile but responded smartly. "I did not know these woods were taken. And where in hell am I?" she added. Her expression changed to surprise as she spoke.
The girl had spoken in Common tongue, but was shocked that she could. Haldir noticed this. He asked her, "Do not be testing me girl. Who are you? Why have you entered our woods?"
The girl only looked at him with great detest and then smiled hatefully. "I am Mandi, and you are?" she asked lifting her brows in question.
Haldir could hear the sound her voice made, like testing him further. Knowing she was different, and not wanting to seem discourteous, he pushed back the urge to snatch her up and shake her. "I am Haldir, The guardian of the Golden Woods, The March Warden serving the Lady of Light."
Haldir watched as the girl's face played a range of emotion there. She cocked her head to side. "Golden Woods? Lady of Light? Haldir?" she repeated but not to him, she then added, "Now where in the hell have I heard those names before?" she bit her bottom lip in thought. A smile played across her lips right before she burst out laughing.
Haldir watched as the girl, laughed at them hard. Tears formed in her eyes from the humor she was seeing. Suddenly she shouted out, "HA! HA! Very funny. Where is the camera? I know that I am on Candid Camera, come out now and show yourselves. Have you all been following me the last few days just to see what will happen?" She stopped looked around, then said in a shout again. "I see what this is. It is a nature show isn't it. You instead of watching animals, you thought it would be funny to observe the fat girl to see how she would survive. Come on the joke is over, SHOW Yourselves!"
Haldir hearing what she said and not understanding a word of it, was beginning to lose patience. The girl's head shot from side to side as if waiting for whoever it was she called to appear. But nothing happened. Haldir bent down before her. "Girl, I do not know what you speak of. And honestly I do not care, but you had better tell me what it is you are doing here?" his voice cold and venomous.
Seeing that this pompous ass was in front of her making demands, she scoffed. "If I knew. I would tell you. All I know, is that I have been walking for days, no food, no shelter, and no rest. Then thinking to take refuge in 'YOUR' woods I get grabbed up by my shirt and dragged here. Now if you will be so kind...BUGGER OFF." she spat back at him. She looked at the men with him and saw them gasp in shock.
Haldir looked at the girl in contempt. He could tell, she was not lying, she truly did not know where she was at. Something at this moment, came to his mind. This girl was lost.
Aggravated he stood up and looked at his brothers, his back facing away from her, his eyes gazing into the trees. Both brothers looked at him and spoke in their native tongue.'Brother, who is this girl? Why is she here?' the youngest one asked, as he glanced back at the fat human.
'I do not know, Rumil. I cannot read her, she is blocked from me.' Haldir admitted through clenched teeth.
'I thought for sure you would have smacked her for speaking to you so ghastly.' The middle brother said.
Haldir looked at him shocked. 'Orophin, no matter what she says or how she says it, I will not strike a female, you know this. Besides, I wanted to. The urge was so strong'. Haldir looked back over his shoulder, the wardens still standing with their arrows notched. The girl's face which had been hard, now looked suddenly vulnerable. He looked at his brothers. "I will say this, something is up with this human. The only thing I can see, is that she is lost. Any suggestions on what we should do with her?'
Both brothers looked at their eldest brother. Never before had he needed their suggestions. Rumil looked at the girl again, and felt compassion for her state. It was obvious she was tired, hungry and possibly wounded. "Brother, I think the lady would want us to help her, if she is lost. Maybe even scared.' Rumil said looking at his oldest brother.
Haldir looked at him. He nodded some. He knew that Rumil had a tender heart toward others in need, and this girl who ever she was, not excluded. Haldir perked up some. 'We shall check with the lady. I believe once again, baby brother, you are right. We are elves and should treat others with respect. Make arrangements for her care. Take her to a flet and have the healer look at her. Come Orophin, I will pen a note to The Lady and I want you to send your fastest courier to the city."
Turning to the girl, Haldir motioned for the others to lower their weapons. Towering over the girl, he looked down. "Come, Mandi. You will stay with us here on the fences until we receive word on what to do with you." He said. The statement more of an insistence not a request.
She looked up at him stocked. Feeling tired, she did not move right off. "And what if I do not want to?" she said in protest.
"Then, you will be forced." He said flatly, accepting no other option.
"The hell I will. I do not even know where this place is, or who the hell you guys are. For all I know, you will harm me." she said plainly, making no move to follow them and remained on the ground looking up at him.
Haldir, having had enough of the girl, bent down and pulled her to her feet. "You will come, with me. While on the borders, I am the one in charge. NOW MOVE!" he said adding pressure to the arm he grabbed.
"OWW! That fucking hurt you asshole!" she screeched out in pain.
Haldir heard her harsh and vulgar language and only tightened his grip. Looking at her with pure hate and disgust. "You will not use that vulgar tongue while within my presence. Understood?" he hissed.
"You do not own me. I will do as I please. Now release me and I will leave. A girl knows when her fat ass is not welcomed" she spat back.
Haldir grabbing a hold of his nerves trying to keep from smacking the girl senseless, smiled vilely at her. "You cannot go back. You have no say in what happens to you now. So deal with it, Trespasser!"
Oh Mandi was really starting to hate this little rouse or whatever you would call it. Her tormentors really had her now. This man had some nerve treating her like this. Seeing no end to this, she followed, but not without two of these long haired hippie guys towing her along side of them. Most of them, that held those bows at her, had left and she was now guided by two, one of which held a slight resemblance to the 'Arrogant' asshole in charge, and the other well, he was just different. In front of them, as the pompous jerk and the other one that resembled him were chatting to themselves. What the hell had she gotten herself into? Better yet, where the hell was she?
The two in front continued to talk, in a language that was sweet and sounded like bells. Hearing it she thought it both beautiful and yet strangely familiar. She looked to her right and looked at the man. He was beautiful, his hair long and silver blonde, his eyes like the stormy sea. She gazed at him more intently trying to figure him out. He had a kind face, but even with that, he screamed dangerous. His body was slim, but muscular, some would say, lithe. She looked at his profile, was regal, his hair was done up in intricate braiding that came down to the side of his face in front of his pointed ear. That stopped her and caused a double take...HIS POINTED EAR!
Her eyes became as big as saucers. Now she knew this was an elaborate hoax. No one had pointed ears, but these were so real looking. Pulling her arm from the hand of the man on her left, she reached out and touched the finely pointed ear of the one on the right. When she did it, he shuddered and a look of pure pleasure hit his features. He grabbed her wrist and he glared at her shaking his head 'No'.
HOLY MOSES! She thought. They are real!
She pulled back from him. Her feelings and emotions playing on her face. The man or whatever he was just stared at her. "Come, Mandi." he said sternly, his words broken. Was it possible he could not speak what ever language she was speaking very well.
"What the hell are you?" she asked her voice a little shaky.
"I am an elf. What else would I be?" he asked.
"AN ELF!" She exclaimed, shocked, disbelieving. She felt a sort of panic com over her, " No, no, no, no...Elves are not real. This is some kind of joke. A farce." she looked around. Hearing her outburst, the one, Haldir and the one standing next to him turned and stared. She called out... "Alright this is not funny anymore. Someone, please stop this charade. I cannot stand it anymore. God I know I am fat, and most love to torment me, but this is just cruel." she was shaking, her voice strained, her chest heaving with shock. She shook her head not wanting to believe this. The one standing next to her, reached out to grab her, but she backed away. He tried again, but kept backing away. Next thing she knew she was surrounded by arrows again. She stopped and all her weariness hit her at once, she became a little dizzy.
In that sweet language, Haldir called out to his men. They lowered the weapons, he came to stand in front of her. Through her dizziness, she saw his face go from alarm to concern. Her legs began to wobble, and her body began to shake. She was weakening.
Haldir sensed the girl was beginning to wear out. The sight of his brother's ear, had sent the girl into a panic and the weariness she was already vexed with began to get worse. Haldir looked at the girl, with new eyes. She was lost, scared and ill. Rumil who had been the one on her right came to stand beside her. "Come, Mandi. We shall care for you. I am Rumil." he said sweetly.
Through her fog of tiredness, Mandi heard his sweet kind voice and could not refuse. She could not make it on her own. Not to mention, her feet were killing her, her stomach growled fiercely and she stunk. She could smell it. Whoever was behind all this, would pay if she found out.
The one called Rumil, led her into another direction after Haldir, spoke to him in their native language. He led her through the forest, which was littered with small platforms in the trees an occasional tree house. They stopped beneath a tall tree with silver-like bark. "We are here."Rumil said kindly.
Not seeing where here was, Mandi looked at him confuse. "We are where?" she asked.
"Here." he said pointing up into the tree. Mandi looked up to find a platform with a house on it.
She looked at him shocked. "Up there?" She said stunned. "I cannot climb up there, I am too heavy." In this particular spot, there were many platforms and little tree houses all connected with bridges and roped walk ways. She looked at him, her mind still reeling from the shock of his suggestion.
"I will help you. It is our guest talan." he said.
"You live in trees? Well I am not climbing up there." she stubbornly insisted.
"We live in trees. We are tree people. All those who living in Lothlorien, live in trees." he said.
The name of the place struck her hard and her jaw dropped. Home of Tolkien's Galadhrim. "Lothlorien." she stammered. "I am in Lothlorien. That is absurd. It does not exist. You do not exist." she said shocked.
He furled his brow in confusion, but then quickly disregarded it. He lifted her upon his back and climbed up into the tree house. Setting her on the floor, he led her to a seat at the chair. The house was sparsely furnished. There was a bed, that to Mandi looked quite comfy, the table which she sat at, two chairs, a basin on a table that had drawers under it and nightstand. Minimalistic, she thought.
"Wait here, Mandi. I will go and get you food. Haldir is arranging that a healer come and check your feet and cuts. A bath he has ordered and will have two female wardens handle that. You will stay here and wait to see what the lady bids." he said walking toward the door.
She listened to him, her mind too tired to argue with him. Not to mention he seemed nice, but when he mentioned someone would help her bathe, that caused her to sober up some. She went defensive. "I do not need help with the bathing. I assure you." she told him.
"You are weary, little one. He insists on helping you until we know what else is to be done. Now sit and I will get you food." He said exiting the talan.
She thought on what she had heard so far. Lothlorien? Lady of Light? Haldir? The Golden Woods" Those names she knew. The language, was beautiful, but she understood none of it. She spoke English, but now could speak a language that they understood and she understood it back. What the hell? She scratched her head. Searching her mind deeper, she probed the memories. Tolkien. That was the only one that she had read, with names like that. 'No, it cannot be. How?" she shook her head in thought. This is Middle Earth. She then thought on it further. It was apparent that this was not a farce. She figured it out. She was losing her mind. All these years of torment, and torturous memories, was finally taking her off the deep end. The only way to fix it , the only thing that had worked in the past, was to be alone. But how, these people would not let her leave. The lady..yes she would understand and make them let her leave. She would be patient and ask it.
Her thoughts were broken, when Rumil returned. A tray of food in his hands.
She looked down at the tray, the food looking a little odd. Upon it was different types of cut fruits, cheese and bread looking thingy. Beside it two cups and a small what looked like a bottle made of pottery. She looked up at him.
"What the heck is this?" she asked curious. It must have came out sounding rough, cause Rumil looked at her.
"It is not to your liking?" he asked looking at her.
She sighed. He was being kind to her and she was insulting it. "I am sorry. I am curious is all." she said finally.
"Some of the finest foods the border has to offer. Later we will have a stew with fresh, boar meat, and stewed potatoes. Cheese, fruits grown in the Lady's personal gardens, and the bread is Lembas. Whey bread. One bite fills the stomach of a full grown man." said smiling sweetly.
Hearing that, she giggled. "Well I, Rumil, am not a full grown man, but a fat obnoxious female. It would take many bites to fill me." she said bluntly.
Rumil looked at her, his brows furled in confusion. He looked bothered. "Mandi, why do you speak such things? It is not kind."
"Cause, Master Rumil, I am what I am and I know it. It is the knowledge of what I am truly that keeps me grounded." she answered honestly.
"I do not like it. Haldir did not like it either. Elves respect all things, not matter what it looks like. To speak so ill of yourself, is wrong." he said as he grabbed the two glasses and began pouring the liquid out of the pottery bottle. It smelt wonderful.
He handed her her glass. Taking it, she sipped it. Nearly choking on it as it went down her throat. She settled herself then sipped again. The second go was not as bad. The liquid was just like apple cider with a kick to it. She downed the whole cup. Rumil watched her over the edge of his own cup.
"Wow. That was good. What was it?" she asked holding out her cup then taking a bite of the fruit.
"Murivor." he said. "Apple wine."
"Alcohol. What are you Nuts!" she said shocked. "What are you trying to do, get me drunk? I have not eaten in days, what were you thinking?" she asked him nearly choking.
"Not to worry, little one. Will not intoxicate you unless you drink a lot. Promise, but it will warm your blood." he assured her. He waved to her plate. "Now please eat. The healer will be here after you bathe." he said.
She ate, the food did satisfied her. The bread done the trick, she was full after one bite. Then the capital idea hit her...'Lembas, the best damned diet bread in the world. She could lose weight on this shit.' her thoughts screamed.
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