Behold my very first story post about Dan Vs. I bet your wonder, what makes this so different from other Dan Vs Fanfics? Well this one shows love, arson, action, old characters brought back, and major drama scenes. Plus I wanted to break my EENE crossover fanfics streak.

I do not own Dan Vs, they belong to the Hub Network.

Chapter One: Finding a Jerk amongst Jerks.

In a laboratory, fifty feet underground, an alarm went off. A female silhouette was running away from four guards. The female had green hair, black eyes, a dog collar with tags, an orange jumpsuit that had 'Test Subject #2025181' on the left part of her chest. She looked like she was the age of 26, having D-Cup breast. She was running through the lab's corridor, attempting to escape this lab. The female stopped when she saw her escape route was blocked by twenty guards. She roared loudly and charged at the guards and took them out, one by one, leaving each lifeless body on a pile. She panted, growling loudly, she looked at the door as her eyes turned into cat eyes. She charged at the door and broke it down.

The escaping woman opened her eyes to see the sunlight, all she saw was storm clouds and water all around the ground she was standing on. She heard footsteps as more guards approached. She dived into the water and started to swim far away from that awful place. She wondered where she could go. Most of her family was dead, she didn't know anyone else. There was only one person who could understand her situation. She swam faster than the average person.

Meanwhile in Los Angeles, CA...

An explosion was heard from a downtown television studio. We see two figured drove down the street in a blue sedan away from the fire. One was a short man, his hair was short and black, his eyes were lime green and he had a soul patch. He was in a black shirt with the word "JERK" in bold white letters, blue jeans and steel toed shoes. His name is Dan Mandel, he was in the passenger seat. The other figure was a big bulky figure. His hair was light brown, his eyes were sapphire blue. His outfit consisted of a blue shirt, an orange over-shirt, green cargo pants, and white socks with brown flip-flops. His name was Chris Pearson and he was driver/accessory to Dan's revenge scheme.

"Question: Why did we have to blow up the TV studio?!" Chris asked, as he drove like a maniac.

"I had to destroy that studio so I can get to the spawn of all evil!" Dan shouted angrily. When they were far enough Chris stopped the car.

"Which is?" Chris asks, scared of the answer.

"Dora the explorer. That Latino kid was going to get Population Control Johnny off the air. So I had to give her a gift basket made by Moi." Dan stated boastfully.

"Dan, did you kill that girl?!" Chris asked.

"No, I simply put a remote detonator in it and marked it 'Become a famous TV star by pressing this button.' Which set off the explosives in the boiler room." Dan explained.

"So let me get this straight, you probably put a lovable TV actor in intensive care, all to save your favorite TV show?!" Chris asked, as if he was asking 'did you murder the president?'.

"You act like this is something I've never done before?" Dan asked annoyed. "Now, you can thank me for saving the world from having its mind burned out of its skull by that Mexican girl by buying me lunch." Chris gave out a small sigh, as he drove away from the fire.

"Fine, where do you want to go for lunch?" Chris asked.

"I'm in the mood for Burgerphile," Dan replied. "Nothing goes better with revenge than meat."

Chris drove up to a Burgerphile's drive-thru's speaker box.

"Welcome to Burgerphile, may I take your order?" The voice box spoke.

"I'll have a plain burger, no cheese. If I find cheese on that burger, I'm going to burn this place to the ground. And some french fries."

"I'll have like, three double decker burger, with a family fry and milkshake." Chris stated to the voice box.

"Geez, if you want a quick death Chris, just jump off a cliff." Dan stated. Chris glared at him in response.

"That'll be 27.64, please drive up to the window." The voice replied. Chris drove up to the window, where the female working the drive-thru window handed him two bags. One with Chris' food and one with Dan's. Chris handed the lady the money and drove off. He drove to an apartment complex called Casa Paradisio. When Chris stopped the car, Dan grabbed his bag and got out. Dan waved to Chris as he drove off, and started to walk upstairs to his apartment. He opened the door to be greeted by a small grey cat, with a white tipped tail.

"Hey , daddy brought you some fries." Dan stated, pulling a box of fries out of the Burgerphile bag. He placed the box of fries near the cat, who ate them happily. Dan sat down on his couch, picking up the remote, turning on the TV to Population Control Johnny.

Nighttime on the beaches of Van Nuys...

The female who escaped washed up on shore, exhausted from all of the swimming. Her orange jumpsuit was now in tatters, with a few bite marks into it. She had cuts from her head to her feet. She groaned, as she tried to stand up. She didn't care about the pain, all she knew was she had to find him. She closed her eyes and sniffed the air for a familiar scent. She smelled thousands of scents that masked the one she was looking for. She stood up on her two feet as blood trickled down her head. She sniffed the air again, trying to find the scent she was looking for. Apparently the scent was all over LA, making it difficult to find. She sniffed the air one more time, focusing on where the scent was strongest or foulest.

She knocked people aside as she ran through the city. She soon came up to an apartment complex called 'Casa Paradisio'. She ran up the stairs to apartment room 8. She kicked the door down, which woke up the inhabitants. Dan shot upright as he heard the sound of the door being forced open. He heard footsteps coming towards his bedroom. He hid under his bed and grabbed a nearby baseball bat. The intruder kicked open the door to his bedroom. Dan looked up to see that a woman stood in his doorway. She was in a shredded orange prison jumpsuit, with numerous bite marks. She looked around the room, not seeing the little man under the walked over to the bed and plopped down on it in exhaustion. She fell asleep. The short-tempered man to crawled out from under the bed as he held the cat.

Dan burst out of the room, ran out of the apartment, down the stairs, and down the street in just his shirt and boxers. After five blocks, Dan ran up to a small white house with a blue roof. Dan kicked down the door to the house.

"Chris! I need help! My apartment has been invaded!" Dan shouted, which woke up the inhabitants. "One was Chris in blue feetie pajamas, and the other one was a female with maroon hair, in a white shirt with blue sleeves. Chris' wife Elise.

"Dan, it is 2 A.M. in the morning," Elise stated, annoyed by Dan's sudden arrival.

"I need some guns! There's an intruder in my bedroom!" Dan shouted.

"Dan, for the last time, those intruders are known as mice. If you got your apartment fumigated you wouldn't have those intruders." Chris put air quotes around 'intruders'.

"I'm not talking about vermin, you troglodyte! I'm talking about a living, physical woman, probably escaped from prison, in my god damn bed!" Dan shouted.

"Are you sure you didn't just have a nightmare?" Chris asked.

"Please, nightmares don't get me out of bed. Anyway, give me some guns! Or at least a mortar to bomb her out!"

"No way, the last time you had military weaponry, you brought a 20-foot broccoli monster to life." Elise stated.

"At least come with me, to help me get that woman arrested, or in a dumpster far away from my apartment."

Chris sighed, "Uh, if I don't help him, chances are he'll probably cause collateral damage causing him to stay here."

"Ugh, fine." Elise stated.

"Elise, I trust you to watch Mr. Mumbles until we get back. But in case we don't, I entrust you to raise her as if she were your own." Dan stated, handing his cat to Elise. Chris walked out of the room for a while and came out in his usual attire, holding a pair of blue jeans.

"Why do you have my jeans here?" Dan asked.

"You leave your clothes here almost every time." Chris stated, handing him the jeans. Dan put on the jeans and walked out, followed by Chris.

One-10 minute car ride later...

Chris drove up to Dan's apartment, and parked in front. Dan got out in a football helmet as he held a baseball bat. Dan pushed Chris in front of him, intending to use Chris as a human shield.

"Why do I have to be the one to go first?" Chris asked.

"Your much thicker, plus you make a good shield." Dan pointed out, as they walked through the remains of his door. He guided his human shield to his bedroom where they saw the female in question. Dan prepared the bat for a clean hit to the woman's head. He brought the bat down, only for it to be caught by the female. Alert eyes flew open wide to show she was awake. She pulled the bat closer to her, which caused Dan to throw himself at her. The woman started to wrap her arms around Dan, picking him up, in a hugging motion. "Chris, help me! She trying to break my spine in half!"

"I'm pretty sure, its a hug Dan." Chris stated.

"No she's not you ape-man!" Dan shouted. Even though Chris was right, the hug didn't get tighter. The woman who hugged Dan muttered something

"D...a...n." She stated in a raspy voice.

"Huh?" Dan questioned why the woman said his name like that.

"I think she said your name." Chris stated. The female dropped the angry little man and examined Chris. She also started to sniff him, which made him very uncomfortable. Dan noticed this and was weirded out by this girl's action.

"F...o...o...d." She stated looking at Chris, as if she was remembering where she saw him.

"Chris! She's a cannibal!" Dan shouted, as he grabbed the baseball bat and struck a blow to her head. The bat broke on impact with the lady's skull. She turned to show she had a look of anger on her face. Anger that would match Dan's anger only by a little. She charged at Dan and wrapped her hands around his throat. Dan choked out "Chris, quick look in the box marked illegal activities in the living room, and you'll find a rag and some chloroform! Use it to knock her out."

Chris ran out the room and quickly returned with a soaked rag. He put the rag up to the female's mouth, which caused her to fall on the floor next to Dan, unconscious.

"Chris, get me some shovels. We need to make sure this convict never sees the light of day." Dan stated, standing up.

"We are not burying someone alive. Even if it is an escaped convict." Chris replied. "She looks injured."

"Of course she does, prisoners always get stabbed enough times to have wounds."

"These look like recent wounds, maybe we should take her to the hospital."

"WHAT?!" Dan shouted. "You want us to save the person who tried to kill me!?"

"Look, maybe she can explain herself."

"Fine! But we're taking her to your house."

"Why my house?"

"Because, if she tries to kill me again, at least Elise can disembowel her. Now pick her up, monkey face."

Chris sighed, and picked up the lady, who was surprisingly heavy for her size. He dragged her down the stairs, as Dan honked on the horn of Chris' car, as if to say 'hurry up'. Chris put the unconscious woman in the back of the car. Dan was sitting in the passenger's side of the car, Chris got into the driver's seat and drove off towards his house.

One hour later...

The female, or escaped 'convict' as Dan called her, was on the couch. She had bandages all around her body. Dan examined her jumpsuit to see which prison she escaped from. All he saw was a bunch of number and 'Test Subject' on the patch of her jumpsuit. He ripped off the patch enough so he wouldn't wake her. Dan looked at the patch, and discovered he was as stumped as ever.

"Elise, can you decode this?" Dan asked, walking over to the kitchen. He handed Elise the patch for her to examine.

"Its a number code, Dan. It looks like the lady's name is Tyra." Elise stated.

"Why does that name sound familiar?" Dan questioned.

"Well, I did a vital scan on her, and her bone structure is denser than the average human's." Elise explained.

"So she's not an escaped convict. She's a human experiment." Dan pointed out. "What I want to know is, why did she come to my apartment?!"

"I don't know," Elise pondered. "We'll have to ask her when she wakes up."

"Fine, I'll sleep here tonight." Dan stated.

"Can't you just go home, and let us call you?" Elise asked.

"No chance. If you think I'm going to leave Chris here with two crazy females, you're sadly mistaken." Dan stated, which made Elise glare at him. "I'll take the guest bedroom." Dan walked over to the bedroom, picking up on the way.

Elise sighed as she hoped Tyra would kill Dan in his sleep

Boom, my very first Dan Vs story. If you can figure out, who Tyra is comment on it.