Author's notes: Just some wishful thinking… I wrote this right after first seeing episode 10 (10:00 p.m. - 11:00 p.m.) but I'm posting today because this episode airs on Swedish Television tonight! So - Convince her this time, Jack!
Incapable
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Did Nina believe him? Had he convinced her?
Jack had almost believed it himself. What he had told her wasn't so far from the truth really. Some of it was true and it wasn't like he never had thought about it. To just disappear… He was tired of it all.
Why had she kissed him? And why had he enjoyed it so?
He knew the answers to both questions, of course…
She had kissed him to show him she was in control. She could do whatever she wanted to him and she chose to show her power over him by making him remember… This was reminiscent of the games they used to play. She was toying with him, very much enjoying this reversed role play, but without forgetting the rules of the game at hand.
And why had he enjoyed it? For the same reasons.
He hated the way his body had reacted to her touch but he was unable to repress the memories it brought back.
But the kiss, no matter how passionate, would never convince her… So this was just a power play, nothing more, nothing less. He would soon be forced to do something else to make her believe him.
She didn't have to fear for her life – he had been honest about that. He could never kill her unless he had to. He could still remember the feeling of pressing the barrel of the gun into the back of her head three years ago.
How he had wanted to shoot… He had begged for the strength to pull that trigger.
It was ironic… He had killed so many men - men he didn't have any hate for, in self-defence or out of necessity of the job, and there he was… a cocked gun, aimed at her head – his wife's murderer – and he wasn't able to shoot?
He had wished she had tried to shoot him, not just thrown away her weapon like she did. One sudden move with that gun in her hand and he would have killed her in a second, without hesitation…
But maybe she had known… Maybe she had realized he wasn't capable of killing her in cold blood? Was that why she had dropped the gun so quickly? Was that why she had turned around and fallen to her knees, hands on her head, without a fight - without a protest?
No.
He had heard her breathe hard from fear, trying to prepare herself for death, and when he finally put the gun down and pulled her to her feet her whole body had been shaking so badly her legs couldn't carry her.
Standing there with the gun at her head… Flashes of memory had washed over him. Flashes of them working together, laughing together… sleeping together…
And then the dreadful memory of how he had shot her before…
Later he had of course wished he had really killed her up on the hill in that industrial site, but he still recalled the terror he had felt, the pain of having to put her through what he did. He remembered how she had cried and refused to turn her back to him - forcing him to look at her.
"Jack. If you're going to do this you have to do it to my face…"
But he had protected her… the flak jacket. He had been taking a big risk but he just couldn't kill her.
Just like he couldn't kill her as she was kneeling in front of him in that stairway in Visalia.
He couldn't. Not then and not now…
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