It hits him all at once.

With the force of a freight train, overwhelming his senses and just consuming him whole. All the pain he's kept hidden for months. Pain he managed to convinced himself he didn't feel. Damn him for hiding his heart away!

"When you love someone like I loved her, they're a part of you it's like you're attached by this invisible tether, and no matter how far away you are you can always feel them. And now every time I reach for that tether I know there's no one on the other end, and I feel like I'm falling into nothingness."

Ms Sylvester's words finally sinking in to every nook and cranny of his forgotten heart.

The longing, the regret, the pain, the LOVE, Rachel. It's like she's everywhere. In his head, in the air surrounding him, in his heart. He can feel her everywhere and his heart aches from being away from her. For a moment he wonders if this is what it's like when someone gains their memory back. Do they get hit by it all at once? Do they? Here he is in his truck that feels way too small now and all he sees and feels is Rachel.

Rachel and her little quirks. Rachel and morning kisses. Rachel reminding him to clean the truck. Rachel telling him to keep a spare everything because you'll never know when you need that third flashlight. Rachel's tiny hand that fit perfectly in his. "Like the missing puzzle piece" she had said.

Rachel laughing. Rachel smiling. Rachel singing to him and along with him. Rachel hugging him with a force that considering her tiny frame always surprised him. Enjoying everything- movies, car rides, jokes, stories, classes, Glee, triumphs and even failures.

Rachel, her warm body lying next to him, against him, KISSING RACHEL. The feel of her overwhelms his senses and he finds himself breathless.

NOTHING. Nothing else ever came close to how amazing it felt kissing Rachel. He closes his eyes and just lets himself remember what he's being trying to bury for months.

It was always like a slow fire that consumed him in the best way possible when he kissed her. The rest of the world ceased to exist and he always felt light-headed and it was just them. Just them. Could you truly just lose yourself in someone? It felt like that every single time her lips touched his. Oh gosh, those lips.

Then the pain and regret follow. That's why he kept burying those feelings. He didn't want to feel this. He didn't want to go back to the hurt. The look on her face when she found out about Santana. THE WAY SHE FOUND OUT. His lack of a brain mouth filter or what Kurt labelled "FOOT IN MOUTH SYNDROME" when he said Santana was really hot. She never let him finish. Of course she wouldn't. That was so not the thing to say and it wasn't even what he was getting at. OF COURSE HE THOUGHT RACHEL WAS HOTTER. DUH. SHE JUST WAS. People might have refused to acknowledge that and he'd never understand why but all he saw was how perfect she was. Exactly the way she was. How Santana might have been 'Santana' but she wasn't Rachel. She wasn't the girl who had his heart, ALL OF IT. Sex with Santana meant nothing because it was just sex. It made him feel dirty afterwards. It felt like he cheated. He cheated on his heart because it belonged to Rachel.

Even then.

He never got to tell her that though.

Even now, after everything.

He was going to but then she stomped all over his heart. Again, like another blow to his chest he gets reminded of that day in the hallway. How he thought he could deal with anything she admitted to doing. Even if she signed him up at some crackhouse meeting or something but it was that look in her eyes. That look told him it was something way worse. Even before she said the words, he knew it would hurt him. Rachel was always honest with him no matter what the cost. That's why he loved her but when she told him she cheated on him with Puck AND ON PURPOSE AT THAT, his world fell apart.

It was like Quinn 2.0. Only he never expected it from Rachel. She was nothing like Quinn and yea she could be selfish and mean but her heart was bigger than anyone else he knew. She wouldn't. Not after what he went through with Quinn. She wouldn't right? She couldn't.

She did.

And it hurt like hell.

He starts to cry as everything about that day floods his mind but one thing rings clear as day through all the haze. He can't do this anymore. He can't lead Quinn on. He can't be THAT guy. The one he's been trying to be. The 'player'. Look at him. He couldn't even do that for long! He ended up making his secret a full-fledged relationship. Is it though? He wonders.

Can it be considered a relationship when it's a crutch? A place to hide? And not in the warm, fuzzy, safe way but in the "I'm running scared and this looks like a big hole I can bury my feelings in" kind of way. That's what he's been doing hasn't he? Hiding how he truly feels?

He thinks about Prom and how he didn't even think twice about confronting Jesse. How he just couldn't stand the thought of that douche, the one who hurt her being around her again.

'You hurt her too' that little voice in his head whispers and he wants to scream because it's right but it doesn't make what Jesse did okay.

It might have been the wrong place to do it but the guy had it coming for more than a year now so yea he's not sorry he hit him. He's just sorry he did it at Prom.

Especially because he totally ruined Quinn's night. He heard Rachel still had a good time though and somehow he feels better about that. He's most mad he wasn't there for Kurt. He would have gone all braveheart on the entire cohort if he was there. People might doubt that but Kurt doesn't. Kurt believed him. Rachel too or at least that's what Kurt told him. He totally promised to let Kurt give his wardrobe a make-over in hopes of making it up to his brother. Thankfully Kurt agreed. He seemed quite excited too which of course made Finn, NOT.

Rachel didn't speak to him over the weekend but on Monday she smiled at him and somehow he felt safer about it all. Quinn was still pissed though and he knew he had that one coming.

Then of course Jesse had to come and blow his confidence to smithereens but it was Rachel who saved him yet again. He still felt like crap but he knew if he let Jesse take over, he'd be letting her down again and he couldn't do that. He couldn't let him call the shots. Jesse wasn't Rachel's co-captain, HE WAS.

Tethers. Is that what it was with Rachel? What it is with her? Even in a crowded room he can feel her. His eyes seeking her out without him even realising it.

Where did that leave Quinn? He loved her right? He had convinced himself and a very very very pissed off Kurt of that. Told himself he was making the right choice because before everything went wrong, he could have been happy with Quinn. Before Rachel, he might have been happy with her.

Right?

"Think about what really happened Finn because you and I both know, even then, even during your first go round at this rodeo, your heart wanted to be somewhere else. The moment your heart saw her it made up it's own mind. Even if it took you a while to catch up. Even I had to admit that."

Kurt's words ring in his ears. He even remembers the awkward look they both shared at the last part. Yea they don't talk about that much.

He's a mess. That much he knows. He doesn't even see Quinn come in and until he hears the door open. It crosses his mind then how much he wished it was Rachel. How her hair isn't the right colour or her hand not small enough or the fact that she's not as tiny. Or he doesn't feel safe with her. He doesn't feel with her. She doesn't deserve that he thinks, so he has to end it.

It all goes by too fast and he sort of loses his cool when she talks about Prom Royalty again because GOD that was all they were to her right? A ticket to the top. A replacement for falling from grace he thinks. Doesn't she get that he doesn't want that life? That he never did? That's not who he is. That's why Glee Club and Rachel meant so much. It was everything he didn't know he wanted. Didn't know because he never thought he'd be that lucky. It was his saving grace.

Rachel was.

He feels terrible though. He does love Quinn. Just not the way that is enough for either of them. She was an easy way to hide the pain and he was a sure thing, her ticket to being a legend. IN HIGH SCHOOL. They're just in high school. All the tiaras and the sashes will fade and then what would they have had? It doesn't mean he wanted to hurt her though. It was the last thing on his mind when they got back together but just because you don't mean to do something doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

He loves her, he thinks. He does. He's just not in love with her.

Right on cue he feels something calling him. Someone. He looks up and there she is. The girl who has had his heart. Right from the start. That song was true for the both of them. She really did have his heart. Even before he knew he gave it away. That's why it would never have worked with Quinn. Once Rachel came into his life, he was hers. Nobody would ever compare.

It dawns on him then that he didn't move on. Not really. Not at all.