Is intelligence valued in society? The accepted answer, of course, is yes. Is it not an achievement to seek higher education at a university? Isn't it skill and knowledge that allows one to rise to the top of one's field? Was it not my own near-inconceivable IQ of 182 that allowed me to climb the ranks of society, to rise from a lowly orphan to the man pulling the strings of most of the world's governments? On the surface, intelligence is the recipe for what we are trained to recognize as success: wealth, power, and influence. And we are led to believe that this will lead to happiness.
I know from personal experience that this perception of success and happiness is little more than another beautiful lie that we spin into the minds of the young in the hopes that the hostile world will appear slightly less hideous. Lies upon lies. Lies to cover lies, lies to twist lies, lies to paint a portrait of humanity that is fair and just.
They say that intelligence will lead to success? What then of the bright office worker, working diligently all his life in the hopes of well-deserved promotion, only to be undermined again and again by men with family connections, with money passed under the table, with significantly dimmer minds? Intelligence does not always lead to success.
They say success will lead to happiness? I have billions of dollars at my disposal, the worlds leaders on their knees before me, and worldwide respect and awe for my great achievements. But happiness? I could give no more than a dictionary definition of the emotion.
On the other hand, take Misa Amane. The blonde model is an intellectual worm, and her skills are mediocre at best. However, the girl is a millionaire, has adoring fans worldwide, and is thriving now as both a model and an actress. Furthermore, I have never seen any other human being smile and laugh so frequently and so infuriatingly genuinely in all my life. The girl lacks the mental capabilities of an average eighth grade student, yet she is successful and happy.
This is why, when I realized my mind, body, and soul were sick with jealousy for the blonde bimbo, I was unsurprised. After all, what traits do I possess that have any value? I've been complimented frequently for my outstanding brilliance, but as aforementioned, the value of intelligence in society is grossly embellished. What else is there? What am I but a walking encyclopedia, a breathing, bleeding high tech machine that consumes sugar in the stead of electricity?
Misa Amane, on the other hand, is more than an empty skull. She may not be intelligent, but she is stunning, adorable, and is socially adept. However, her greatest attribute may in fact be the very stupidity for which I scorn her. Her only weak trait is, in fact, her strongest.
I envy Misa for her beauty. I am pallid, bug eyed, and far from attractive. Her stunning looks easily reel in men, something I can never do.
I envy Misa for her sociability. To describe me as merely 'awkward' would be an egregious understatement. Misa can charm, please, and entertain. I can only frighten, victimize, and disturb.
I envy Misa for her simplicity. She can find amusement in the smallest of trinkets, and bypass existential questions in favor of still-minded bliss. Little has the capacity to alleviate my omnipresent boredom, and my mind is ever spinning, ever whirring, and non-consensually contemplating things I do not wish to dwell on, bringing inevitable misery.
But most of all, as petty and pathetic as it may seem, I envy her the most for the ease with which she can love. And Light. Of course I envy her for her brilliant, stunning, perfect, murderous boyfriend.
Her beauty undoubtedly drew him to her.
Her sociability allows her to effortlessly function in a relationship.
Her simple mind cannot fathom the prospect that her beloved may not love her.
She loves him with perfect ease and harmony, never minding that he is the number one suspect for the worst mass murderer in history, or that he will never truly love her.
Even if I was beautiful, even if I was sociably adept, even if Light loved me, we could never be together.
For the furiously spinning gears in my mind will never rust and will never slow. No matter how much I loved him, I would never be able to suppress the gut feeling that he is Kira. I would never be able to stop analyzing him and testing him until every semblance of happiness that we ever possessed had been stripped away.
My intelligence is a curse. And therefore, I envy the bubbly dimwitted beauty known as Misa Amane.