Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters mentioned in this fic. The characters are copyrights of JK Rowling, Author of the Harry Potter series. All rights and claims are under her rights and her publishers. No money is being made from writing this fanfiction.

A/N: I haven't wrote comedy for so long, I thought it would be nice to go back to the one thing I'm comfortable with. I'm not sure if this is very funny, but I'll give it a shot. Please R&R

Note: For the purpose of this fic, Snape will be sorted in Gryffindor house

Thank You, Hogwarts

Dear Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,

Thank you Hogwarts. Thank you, thank you...and screw you.

Where should I start, heck there is so much I have to thank you for. First of all, thank you for that wonderful entrance letter I received from you when I was 11 year old. Would it have killed you to send an owl that will not try to poke my eyes out. Really is that too much to ask?

Also, thank you for sorting me into Gryffindor House. The house of loyalty, and bravery. Seriously, do I look like a Gryffindor? Or did I not dress for the occasion to be sorted in Slytherin? Gosh, and here I thought black robes, sickly pale faces, and greasy hair symbolize "evilness". Well, no problem, you sorted me into Gryffindor, so I ended up killing Dumbledore. We'll call it even.

Thank you for the lovely jokes you played. Oh you must remember all those time when I really needed to go to the bathroom, but those damn stairs of yours just sent me somewhere else. It must be really funny to see me bursting on the spot.

One word for you: Quidditch. Thank you for making it the only form of entertainment around here. I'm sorry if the rest of us didn't find pleasure in tacking other males or from mounting on broomsticks to chase objects that resemble things we should be learning in Sex Ed classes. Can you blame the us for joining the Death Eaters?

Thank you for the traumatic experiences. Guess Hogwarts is not a school that promotes anti-bullying programs. And you call yourself non-violent

Thank you for not telling me that I needed a Exceeds Expectation in Herbology to get accepted as an Auror. On that note, I should thank you in making me believe I actually had enough skills to get a job. Thank you so much for killing dreams. I am forever in debt to you, Hogwarts

And what a great way for you to show it by hiring me as a potion professor when clearly I should be DADA professor. Thank you for choosing a mad man and a werewolf over me. No, actually make that a thank you for picking a self-obsessed pansy idiot over me for the position. Surely, I do look like a man that did take rejection well.

Thank you for letting me be the head of the Slytherin house. I guess I'm not good enough to be in it, but good enough to be in charge of it. There is no way in hell this will not lead any confusion or years of therapy work.

Thank you for admitting Harry Potter. I guess you didn't get the memo that he is the number one guy on top of every bad guys' lists. I guess not because after all, you hired me. Here I thought it was stupid of Voldemort to tattoo his members. I mean wouldn't it just be a dead give away - the huge tattoo? To bad your too blind to even notice.

Thank you for letting me teach Potter occlumency. I'm sure I don't strike you as the anti-social type. Meh, the dark dungeon and bitter old man expression don't really say that I'm a man who needs his privacy and hates people. Guess I'm not trying hard enough. So, how do you feel about a 'Snape's Torturing Student' Day?

Out of it all, thank you Hogwarts for letting me escape. Who could have guess you will be easier to escape than from Trelawney trying to predict my death. Maybe you can't predict DOOOM! like she does. Well, here is a prediction for you: Hire the ex follower of the Dark Lord as the potion professor + unlimited supplies of potions no, not weapons of mass destruction, but someone who will go Avada Kedavra on your ass one of these day. God knows, it was the only good thing you did for me.

Yours Truely,

- Severus Snape