FOR ONCE
by ryrous
(and Lisse, who inspires me)
She never believed it would come to this, not really. She knew in her head it had to be so because it was the logical way of things: things start, things end. It just hadn't occurred to her that it might take her with it.
She's not new to viciousness or ferocity, because that's her place, it's always been her place.
The fighting and the blood and the screams have swallowed her up, that's what everyone else thinks; they're all waiting for the monster to squeeze out her bones.
And that's how she knows she's going to die.
Jake thinks he knows it, but he can't feel it like she can. She'll drown in her own blood because she knows she's not what they all think she is. She's ripped out throats and it's torn a hole inside her, but that doesn't mean there's no room for other things. At lease that what she whispers to herself at night when she's covered in sweat and her eyes burn black. Could be that's all it is: a story.
She sees herself reflected in her cousin's eyes, knows she's been his enforcer a long time, and it's too late for her to pull out of that role now, because she's boxed herself in with things she didn't know were inside her.
Sometimes she resents the few reservations she has left, wishes that the blood on her hands could mean nothing. Maybe then she could make it to the end.
But she knows that's stupid, the only reason to make it to the end is so the whole damn thing will melt away, and what would she have then, just a mother who fears her and a boy who only wants to fly away. These holes in her have already killed her. They've killed him too, even though he doesn't know it yet.
She's many things, but naïve isn't one of them; she's heard too many screams, seen too much beauty crushed to even be close to that anymore. Lots of times she tries to remember why she got into the war in the first place, but it's too hard. Lots of times she has to remind herself that she's on the right side, because it's become too much to know anymore.
He looks at her and sees someone strong, someone human, someone good. She clings to it because she needs to; if she lets go there won't be any coming back. With him she feels free, she feels like Rachel again, like she's sweating from the sun at her back and she's not falling or growling or ripping. There's nothing to compare to it. She closes her eyes and she's lying in grass that's the greenest she's ever seen, and he's next to her and she can hear waterfalls and the breeze and his breathing. She touches his hand, his human hand, before returning to her nightmare.
She goes to find him, hoping that maybe she can have a second of that lightness, of that stillness where nothing happened except water falling and Tobias breathing. He's serious, and she pauses before asking him to become human because she knows the face she'll see is not the one in her head. He's had a few holes poked in him, too.
They're alone, and she kisses him, wishing she could tell him everything she thinks and everything she wishes she could have. Maybe in one of those alternate realities they could find each other and kiss less violently, less urgently, maybe he could touch her cheek and she might actually believe she was the person he thought she was and not this ferocious, black-eyed Lilith.
She's in between. Not quite the demon she fears and not quite the girl in the grass but she kisses him because it strikes her that it might be her last chance, and she doesn't know if he can tell the difference but she won't tell him so.
Before she knows it the clothes are gone and she's letting him in where she's never let anyone before. He kisses her like the boy in the grass might, softly, almost so softly that it hurts. She can't cry though, because she knows he'll feel it, and he'll figure out what's going on and he'll ruin the whole goddamn thing.
He tells her she's beautiful and she looks to her side. She loves him, she does, but she can't feel honest about anything because she knows she's stolen his life, too. She's not a child anymore, she knows she's the only thing that exists for him, and now that she's dead he's dead too, he just doesn't know it yet.
When they're finished, he keeps her in his arms. She studies his face as he closes his eyes. He's not asleep, he could never be. He's on a clock. She can practically see into his head and heart and knows there are things in him that he will never say, not even to her, because the picture frame is cracked and she can't fix someone broken. She wants to stay, wants to run out the two-hour clock and run away, erase everything she's done and be the girl that he needed.
His breathing becomes even, and she realizes he has fallen asleep, and her stomach twists inside her because she can't help but be moved. There is so much she wants, so much she knows she'll never ever have but she takes a second and just sits and pretends to be the girl she knows she isn't, the girl in the waterfalls and stillness.
She misses him even though he's right in front of her, misses him and loves him and grieves for him because she knows what has to happen. She taps his shoulder and he smiles at her, and it breaks her heart.
If there's one person who deserves saving, if there's one thing in her life she can keep for herself as good, it's him. But she has to throw it all down the hole. War means sacrifice.
So when she's pulling away, she just prays he stays quiet. She's done everything she can, and now it's time to march. March towards the battle she will not survive. She's not the girl Tobias wants her to be, so when she leaves him for the last time, she does not call after him to tell him that she loves him.
HUGE DISCLAIMER HERE READ THIS:
The last line of the fic is taken directly from a Harry Potter fan fiction called Words by Lisse (Gotta give credit to the real author of that line). If you've read Harry Potter, go read that fic, It's beautiful and a thousand times better than everything I have ever written.