This is a one-shot which came to me after watching the season premiere. Saying that it does contain some minor spoilers which hopefully do not really give away anything to major that happens.
I just wanted a chance to delve into how Snow felt after the events on the boat and I really want Snow and Emma to work it out asap because I live the mother/daughter feels.
As I stand and watch my daughter declare herself the leader of our rag tag band I find myself filled with feelings of pride and love. When she turns and walks away I follow and find the pleasant feelings are slowly being smothered by the memory of her telling me that she blames me for what is happening. The problem is she's right; no matter how many times I might tell myself otherwise Emma is right, it is all my fault. If I hadn't convinced her to try and send the trigger through a portal Henry would still be safe in Storybrooke with his family. We wouldn't be trudging through what is the creepiest forest I have ever been in, trying to find the one person who scares even Rumplestiltskin so that we can save my grandson.
"She'll come around," David says his voice low as he slides his free hand into mine.
"How do you know? She sounded so hurt when she blamed me for all this." I wave the hand holding my bow to indicate the forest, I stare at the back of my daughters head as she forges ahead trying to work out what is going on inside it. I watch as her grip tightens on the sword she gained from Hook and I know she can sense my probing stare so I turn my eyes to the ground. David squeezes my hand reassuringly and I can almost see his sad smile as he speaks.
"She wasn't just blaming you, she was blaming both of us. She already admitted she was wrong. I don't know if she was admitting to being wrong about blaming you or for jumping in the ocean to get us to stop fighting but whatever she was admitting to its a start."
"It sure sounded a lot like she was blaming me." I can hear the pain in my own voice which means I know that David hears it and when he tightens his grip on my hand I know he feels the same way.
"We should stop and make camp for the night," Emma's voice rings out before I can say anything else. I look around and see that we have walked into a small clearing, circled by forest which means we will be able to hear anyone approaching.
"Here?" I hear the disbelieving tone in Regina's voice as she speaks.
"Have you seen anywhere better?" Emma spins on the spot as she speaks and throws an angry glare at the woman. When no response is forthcoming Emma smirks, "I thought not, now lets make camp. We should take turns keeping watch just in case. Hook you can take the first shift."
"Why do I have to have the first shift?"
"Because I'm your leader and I said so. Any more arguments?"
"You really expect me to sleep on the ground?"
"Regina, I don't care if you sleep in a tree, on a rock or try and float on water. Hell for all I care don't sleep at all but just make a decision and do it." Emma walks away from the rest of us clearly stressed by the situation. I turn to my step mother and shoot her a look showing her exactly what I think of what she just said.
"What?" She asks innocently, or as innocently as a murderous sociopath can.
"You know what," I say quietly. "Do you always have to make everything such hard work? I get that you have never slept in anything other than a nice soft, warm bed but unfortunately you don't have that luxury here. Even if you don't sleep tonight eventually you will become so tired that you will sleep anywhere so get over it, find somewhere which looks borderline comfortable and just make something resembling a bed." I turn my back and walk away from Regina before she can pull me into another argument.
"You should rest," Emma says as she hears my approach.
"So should you." I come to a stop beside her and turn to face her, she keeps her face averted from mine staring out into the forest so I am just staring at her profile. She looks tired, exhausted really, but more than that she looks lost, lonely and above all sad. It breaks my heart to see her like this, I just want to reach out and pull her to me. I want to hug her and tell her everything will work out. I want to protect her and tell her I love her but I know she would only react badly to that. She would push me further away and I couldn't deal with that; I can only just deal with my daughter blaming me for us being in Neverland.
"I will rest." She states simply still refusing to look at me.
"You really do blame me don't you?" I ask taking a step closer to her trying not to make her uncomfortable.
"Yes, I do."
"Do you hate me?"
"No, I don't hate you. I could never hate you. I get that you always have to do the right thing that's just who you are, but it has cost me my son. Some creepy child has my son because you convinced me that going back for Regina was the right thing to do." Emma stares determinedly into the forest as she speaks.
"It was the right thing to do, we couldn't just let her die."
"And we lost Henry, even she would agree that losing Henry wasn't worth saving her life. You don't understand I lost him once and it nearly killed me, I can't lose him again."
"You really think I don't get that!" I move and grab Emma's shoulders forcing her to face me even as I feel her resisting. I tug harder and her shoulders slump as she spins to face me, her eyes dropping to the ground so as not to meet mine. "Emma please look at me," I wait until she raises her eyes to mine, reluctantly I note, but she is still looking at me. "Do you really believe I don't know how you feel?"
"No, I didn't mean that." She mumbles her eyes darting to the look to the left of me, I glance over my shoulder and see David staring at us with a concerned look. I shake my head gently and he just backs away keeping his gaze trained on us.
"Yes you did, you never say things you don't mean Emma." I say as I turn back to face my daughter. "I know exactly how you feel, your father doesn't know this but after he left our chambers carrying you in one arm and holding his sword in his other hand I broke down. I'm not talking your average tears here Em, I'm talking full on breakdown. I cried so hard that I couldn't breathe. I felt like my heart was being squeezed by Regina's vengeful hands, I had felt heartbreak once before but this was worse." I take a chance and reach out to grab hold of my daughter's hands as I speak. "You were someone I had loved before I even knew you, long before you were born I had chosen your name and imagined what you would look like, what you would be like. Your father and I have true love but what I felt for you as I held you for those few seconds was more powerful than that. So you tell me now that I don't understand how you feel."
"I can't do this right now, I need to focus on finding Henry. That is all that matters right now." Emma pulls her hands out of mine and once again turns so that she is facing the forest, I watch as she blinks fast trying to clear her eyes of tears she doesn't want me to see.
"Emma, honey, maybe you do need to do this right now. Maybe you need to hear that you are not the only one who has ever felt this way. I feel this way everyday, every moment I realise we are the same age all I think about are the lost moments and those brief seconds I actually held you."
"No, okay. I don't want to hear this, I didn't even hold Henry before the doctors took him away. I couldn't because I knew if I looked at him I would never let him go and I wasn't good for him then."
"Oh," the realisation came to me almost as soon as Emma stopped speaking.
"Oh what?" She asks turning to face me.
"You still think you are not good for him."
"Well he ended up here, kidnapped and taken to Peter freaking Pan of all people. I think that shows I'm not the best for him."
"The fact that you are here shows that you are good for him. Your father and I have those same feelings you know." Emma cocks an eyebrow questioningly at me so I continue. "We sent you to a world where you grew up alone, essentially a lost girl if you will excuse the term. We are the same age, you don't need us anymore. Sometimes I think we need you more than you need us. Since we came into your life it has been turned upside down, maybe you were right when you said that you shouldn't have broken the curse."
"No, I didn't mean to say that. I'm sorry if you feel like I don't need you, I do; its just I'm used to being alone. I have never once regretted breaking the curse because I finally understand who I am."
"And who is that?"
"The daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming as mad as that seems." Emma smiles softly at me, a smile I return cautiously not wanting her to close off now she is finally opening up.
"If we are going to sleep, can we just sleep. I want to find my son sooner rather than later." Regina shouts from where Hook has helped her set up a makeshift bed.
"I hate to agree but we should all sleep now. Hook wake me up in three hours and I'll take over from you." Emma shares a look with the pirate who oddly just nods, never once opening his mouth to make a lewd comment, and turns to sit on a rock by the edge of the clearing. "Go and sleep, I need to think."
"You need to rest Emma," I reach out and cup her cheek with my hand relieved when she doesn't pull away from me. "Promise me you will get some sleep." She just nods and turns away from me heading to where David has set up her bed just across from our own. I must admit looking around the two of them seem to have put their differences aside after my daughter all but yelled at us to grow up and get over our problems. I base this on the fact that there didn't seem to be any blood on either of them and they are being overly polite to one another.
I walk over to the area David setup for us and lie down as David makes his way over after a brief conversation with Emma. He lies down carefully next to me and I roll into his side placing my head on his chest, he rubs comforting circles on my back and places a kiss to my forehead.
"Did that talk go well?" He whispers not wanting to be overheard.
"I don't know, she's definitely angry about the whole Henry situation but she doesn't hate us so that's a good thing." I slide my leg in between David's and place my hand lightly on his chest, in response he just holds me tighter to him.
"That is good, let's get some sleep and maybe once we are all rested everything will seem better." I lean up and place a light kiss on his lips before nodding my agreement, I lay back down and attempt to fall asleep but it proves harder than I thought considering how tired I am.
I have an image of my daughter at eighteen, in a hospital bed, screaming in pain as she gives birth to her child. Her blonde hair is sticking to her head from the exertion involved, her beautiful blue eyes convey the depth of pain she feels more so than the piercing screams which echo through the tiny hospital room. In my head she is alone apart from the doctors and a prison guard who stands by the door watching. I imagine her refusing to look at her son as the doctors hold him out for her, I can hear her saying that she isn't ready to be a mother even as her heart breaks and tears stream down her cheeks. It feels so real to me that I am positive I am in the room with her somehow, I feel tears roll down my cheeks as I picture the horror my daughter went through.
Eventually sleep overtakes me and I make a silent promise to all the known worlds that I will find my grandson, I will help Emma come to terms with everything in her life and I will make it up to her. I make a promise that I will take whatever this world and my daughter throw at me because she is my life and I will not lose her.