Title:Heat of the Moment
Summary: Three times Veronica runs away and one time where she finally stays.
Disclaimer: nothing belongs to me! However hard I wish. Some dialogue taken from 2X20. Infamous speech. Also title is taken from Asia song Heat of the moment and lyrics.
Author's Note: Just something that popped into my brain! Hope you guys like it! Kind of a LoVe through all three seasons kinda thing. Idk it just wouldn't leave my head! Just taking a slight break from Of Bloodshed, Babies, and Epic Love there will be more of the crazy long story shortly. Probs after the weekend. Anyway! Hope you guys enjoy! Please review and let me know what you think! The only slight change is Lianne leaves before Lilly dies. ENJOY!
I never meant to be so bad to you
One thing I said that I would never do
One look from you and I would fall from grace
And that would wipe this smile right from my face
~Heat of the Moment by Asia
Veronica knew what she was doing was wrong, but that didn't mean she cared all that much. She tilted the vodka back and coughed as it burned her throat. She knew what she was doing was wrong, but that didn't mean she was going to stop.
She hurt. All over she hurt. In her heart, in her bones, and down to the core of her soul she was in pain. She wanted to scream out loud and tear everything up. She wanted to cut her long blonde hair. She wanted to burn her clothes. She wanted everything to change, but already it had changed, just in the worst way.
Things had been difficult for a while, but she never thought she would leave. She never thought that she wasn't good enough for her mother. She never thought that she'd wake up to a fucking music box and a goodbye note from the woman who birthed her. The woman who had taken care of her when she was sick and took her to buy her first Homecoming dress.
So yeah, she was hurting. Her fucking mother left her, of course, she was hurting and she couldn't even tell anyone about it. No one really cared anyway. Everyone was wrapped up in their own drama.
Instead of talking about it Veronica swallowed the vodka that had driven her mother away and swung on the swing set at the playground a few blocks for her house. She knew what she was doing was wrong, but that didn't mean she was going to go home. Her dad was probably worried, but he was also chin deep in Sheriff work.
She could call Lilly to come get her, but Lilly had been weird since Duncan had broken up with her. They had even gotten into a fight about it. Lilly knew why Duncan had broken up with her and yet she remained silent. Besides, Lilly had been off doing God knows what these days. She had heard rumors about Lilly running around with the head of the PCHers, but she knew Lilly would tell her if that was the case. Even if they had gotten into a little tiff Lilly would tell her. Or at least that's what she told herself. She hadn't spoken with her best friend in almost three days.
She couldn't talk to Duncan about it since he was icing her out. The only person she could talk to was Logan and she wasn't sure if she wanted to do that. Logan was angry with her for telling Lilly about Yolanda.
So Veronica continued to swing on the set and drink from the pint sized Absolut she'd snagged from the remaining stash of her mother's. The things she'd left behind along with her daughter. Veronica didn't know why she was drinking. Especially because she blamed the liquor for why her mother was no longer with her, but for some reason she felt it was the only way to deal with the pain. Logically it made no sense. Growing up with an alcoholic she should stay away from alcohol, but she wanted to lose herself to the pain. At least once before she hardened herself and promised she'd never let anyone in again. However childish she knew her logic was, it would protect her heart in the end.
The bottle was half empty when a car pulled into the parking lot of the playground. She squinted as the bright lights hit her eyes and she knew that she was probably going to get into serious trouble for being at a playground past dark. She couldn't remember if it was against the law, but she figured since her dad was Sheriff all he'd do was yell at her.
So she sipped some more of the bottle and watched the car park and turn it's lights off. Once the lights were off she narrowed her eyes and let out a tiny groan when she recognized the giant yellow monstrosity Logan had gotten for his birthday this past year.
"Ronnie!" Logan yelled walking towards her. Although she wouldn't really say he was walking it looked more like tramping through the grass.
She smiled drunkenly despite herself. "Looooogan." She called back.
"Veronica." He said coming to stop right in front of her. She leaned her head against the chain of the swing and looked up at him.
"Looooogaaaaaan." She replied giggling at how she elongated his name.
He rolled his eyes and put his hands on the chain to steady her. "What are you doing here?" he asked his eyes gleaming in the dark.
"How did you find me?" she retorted taking another sip of vodka.
He frowned seeing the shiny bottle in her hand. "What are you doing?" he asked again his tone less malicious and more concerned.
"What does it look like?" she slurred.
He sighed and took a step back. "Get off the swing. Let's sit." He ordered.
She watched as he turned away from her and went to sit on the bench by the playground. She sighed and begrudgingly got off the swing before stumbling after him. She plopped down on the bench and looked at him with hooded eyes.
"How'd you find me?" she asked again.
He looked at the playground. "I just did." he said simply.
"Why are you here?" she asked quietly.
"I just am." He said looking back at her.
She stared up at him and into his eyes lost in the dark pools. "I'm sorry about Yolanda." She whispered.
"It doesn't matter."
"But you and Lilly—"
"Are done and have been for awhile. She's fucking that PCHer." He said cutting her off.
Veronica drank from the bottle before handing it over to Logan who took it and drank from it with a flourish she wished she had.
"How do you know?" she asked quietly.
"Magic." He said with a smirk before handing back the bottle.
"Now, what are you doing here?" he asked getting her back on topic.
She groaned and propped her head up with her hand. Her elbow rested on the back of the bench and she regarded Logan with tired, drunken eyes.
"My mom left." She whispered her heart throbbing painfully at the reality of the situation.
Logan let out a long sigh. "I'm sorry." He said after a long time. He looked down at her with soft brown eyes and she could feel herself melting under his gaze. When he looked at her like that she found herself wanting to lean forward and kiss him. She'd never ever admit either that this wasn't the first time she wanted to kiss him. There had been many, many times throughout the years that she wanted to. She just could never act on it. Initially it was her shyness that kept her from leaning forward to touch their lips together and then it was the Kanes.
"But I know it's not going to make you feel better." He said bringing her back to reality.
"Why are you here, Logan?" she asked her gaze on him glossy and sad.
"Because we're friends Ronnie and friends don't let friends get drunk in parks by themselves." He said with a small grin. "And I may have seen you when I was driving home from Dick's." he added with a wider grin.
She smiled slightly and shook her head. "You didn't have to stop."
"I wanted to though."
"But you're angry at me."
"And I told you it doesn't matter. Yolanda was…nothing and besides I'm probably better off without Lilly running around behind my back." He said quietly.
"Logan, Lilly loves you."
"Yeah, just not like how I loved her." He said their eyes meeting.
She gave him a sad smile and offered him the remains of the vodka. He shook his head.
"You need it more than I do." He said pushing it back towards her.
She grinned. "Trying to get me drunk, Logan?"
"No, just trying to be a good friend."
"A good friend…I guess I need one of those now." She said tipping the rest of the clear liquid down her throat. Logan watched her with mild fascination and then took the empty bottle from her and threw it away into the trash beside him. When he came back to the bench she was looking at him with big blue glassy eyes.
"Do you ever wonder what things would've been like if we had dated instead of you and Lilly and Duncan and I?" she asked.
Her words hit him somewhere in the depths of his heart and he felt the air leave him as soon as what she asked sunk in. He struggled to remain passive and in control as her question floated in and out of his head, but in reality his heart was hammering so loud in the dark of the night. His hand came to rest on her arm and before he knew what was happening she was leaning in and giving him a gentle kiss on the lips.
It was the softest, most chaste kiss he'd ever had and it left him hungry for more. When she moved away her big blue eyes weren't so glassy and instead they looked terrified at what she'd just done. She got off the bench and ran from him. Logan stayed still watching her leave him and some how he knew this wasn't going to be the first nor the last time that something like this happened.
"Logan, give me your keys." Veronica demanded. They stood huddled in the corner right outside the Eclipse of the Heart dance. The skintight outfit she wore wasn't the best for trying to capture a drunk Logan's keys, but it would have to do. He was too drunk to drive and she seemed to be the only one who cared about that little fact.
"Logan." She said again pressing herself against his back and reaching around to his front. He held the keys high above her head as he continued to giggle and twist away from her.
"Come on, Logan, give me your keys. Leo can you please follow us?" Veronica asked glancing over at her date of the night.
He uncomfortably shifted behind her. "Yeah, uh sure."
"Thanks." She said as she finally grabbed Logan's keys from him.
"Who's this guy?" Logan asked as she took his keys. Leo had momentarily distracted him.
"As I have told you now three times, this is the friendly officer of the law who is going to overlook your underage public drunkenness." Veronica said ignoring him as he started to giggle again.
She threw an apologetic look at Leo and then took Logan's arm. Dragging him out of the school she glanced behind her to make sure Leo was following. She left her car at school and drove Logan's monstrosity across town to the prestigious 09er district.
Immediately as she got out of the school parking lot Logan turned the radio all the way up and sang along to the lyrics. She gritted her teeth and tried to stay calm as he continued to belt out each song obnoxiously. Finally when he was bored with the radio he turned to her fully. She braced herself for some evil psychotic remark about her skankiness or her—
"Why'd you cut your hair?" he asked catching her off guard.
She looked over at him wondering if she had even heard him correctly. Logan couldn't possibly be asking about her hair. It was such a mundane topic and Logan didn't do mundane.
"What?" she asked.
"Why'd you cut your hair?" he repeated.
She turned back around and watched the street carefully as she drove. "Just because." She said indifferently, but inside she was wondering why he was asking about her hair and not insulting her about her so called after school sexual activities with the swim, football, and baseball teams.
"I liked it long." Logan said quietly resting his head against the headrest and staring at her with drunken eyes.
She rolled her eyes. "I know. You used to like pulling it when I wore pigtails." She said smiling slightly at the memory of their younger selves.
Logan's mouth turned upwards slightly and Veronica couldn't help, but wonder when the last time he'd actually smiled was. Then again she didn't smile too much these days either.
"I'm sorry about your mom." She said quietly chancing a glance over at him.
His demeanor stiffened and she rushed ahead.
"I know it's not going to make you feel better, but I am." She said repeating long ago words that he had spoken to her.
He looked up at her threw the darkness and she felt her heartbreak a little at the forlorn expression on his face.
"Thanks." He said eventually turning to look back out the window.
"I like your hair short, too." He said after a stretch of silence.
She smiled slightly despite herself. "Really?" she asked shyness leaking into her voice. She had after all chopped it off herself.
He didn't reply as she pulled up to the gate in his house and punched in the never forgotten key code. She signaled for Leo to hold on as she waited for the gate to open. Once the metal was separated she pulled into the driveway and parked the X-terra in its usual place. They sat there for a minute neither ready to move.
"Thanks for trying to find her." He said breaking the silence.
"I'm sorry I couldn't do more." She said surprised that she actually meant it. Lynn had always been nice to her and she enjoyed talking with the older woman. When Veronica had found out Lynn had jumped off the Coronado bridge she had cried for Logan and Lynn, but she'd never admit to it.
Long ago Logan had been her friend and Lynn had been the mother Veronica always wanted. When her own mother was off drinking and complaining of migraines, Lynn would invite Veronica to stay for dinner or to come to the zoo or one of the many other places they went to. Veronica knew Lynn had her own problems, but she still enjoyed pretending Lynn was her own mother especially when Lianne was drowning herself in a bottle. It wasn't until years later that she realized Lynn was just like her own mother.
"How did you deal with it?" he asked turning towards her.
She leaned against the headrest and looked over at him. The moonlight glinted off the sunglasses on his forehead and his eyes gleamed brightly. She felt an overwhelming urge to kiss him. Something she knew was probably the worst idea ever.
Logan hates you remember, Veronica thought. In that moment though there was no hate in his eyes, only hurt, pain, and a hint of longing.
"I guess I haven't." she admitted staring into his eyes.
"What should I do?"
"The only thing you can. Just take one day at a time. It won't get better, but…" she trailed off not knowing what to say to make him feel better. She still didn't feel better and it had been a year since her mother had left.
"Do you ever wonder what would've happened if we'd taken a different path? Like what if I'd never gotten into that fight and my parents never would've had to been called to school. Maybe my mother would still be alive." He said thoughtfully.
She winced knowing exactly what was going through his head. It had gone through hers enough times too.
What if she'd done something differently? Would her mom still be around? What if she'd went with her mom when she'd picked her up from school that day? What if her mom didn't drink? Too many 'what ifs' and not enough answers.
"You can't think like that Logan." She said reaching over and putting a hand on his thigh.
"Don't think like that. It will drive you insane, trust me." She said smiling over at him.
He stared at her. "But it's—"
"It's not your fault. Just like my mom leaving isn't my fault. They made their decision we just have to move on and accept it." She advised.
"Like taking one day at a time?" he asked a slightly smirk forming on his lips.
She nodded and without thinking she leaned forward and pressed a sweet kiss to his lips. Her lips were soft and fruity against his and he found himself wanting more. She pulled away before he could deepen the kiss and she got out of the car and hurried away from him.
He watched her go in the review mirror wondering when she would stop running from what was happening between them. What had been happening between them for years now.
Granted he'd been a jackass to her for an entire year, but what it came down to was that he was hungry for her and he wanted her. Some how he knew this wasn't going to be the first time nor the last time that he felt this way as she ran from him.
He smirked at her. His hand gripped the champagne bottle painfully. He wasn't as drunk as he wished to be to deliver this speech. True, he was drunk, but the look in her eyes made him wish that he'd taken the entirety of Bloodshed, Epic Love, and Years and Continents out of his vocabulary. When he was going to delivery the speech to her it wasn't supposed to be like this. But when had he ever gotten it right.
"I thought our story was epic, you know? You and me." He said taking a deep breath and feeling beyond nervous. He took a quick sip of the champagne bottle for liquid strength and watched her process the information.
"Epic how?" she asked her tone disbelieving and annoyed. But her eyes poured interest out of them wondering where he would take this.
He took another swig and looked away for a moment before looking back at her.
"Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, bloodshed, epic." He clarified staring at her like she was his world. She could feel her heart speed up, but she didn't move a muscle.
"But summer's almost here. And we won't see each other at all. Then you'll leave town then…it's over." He finished off. He ignored the knots in his stomach and focused solely on her.
"Logan…" she started.
"I'm sorry about last summer." He interrupted and he felt the tell tale signs of choked emotion and tears. He took another drink from the bottle and shuffled closer to her as he continued on. "You know, if I could do it over…" he trailed off as she regarded him with wide eyes.
She cleared her throat to break the tension. "Come on. Ruined lives. Bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?" she scoffed her tone filled with doubt and yet there was underlining hope there.
"No one writes songs about the ones that come easy." He said his voice raspy and low.
She didn't know what to say at first. His words as poetic as they were shouldn't get to her as much as they did. She wanted to kiss him so badly, but she also knew that he was drunk and probably didn't mean half of what he said. He probably wouldn't even remember it in the morning. She looked away out into the crowd and then back at him with sadness she can't bother to hide anymore.
"Logan, you're drunk." She said as if that explained everything.
He scooted closer on the surface he straddled and reached out a hand to touch her cheek. Her eyes fluttered shut and warning bells went off in her head.
"Only off of you." he whispered as he leaned down.
She knew she should turn away with some measly excuse, but her limbs weren't working properly and she just wanted to feel his lips on hers if only for one more time. He stopped a breath away from her lips and they stared at each other. She gazed up at him with longing and wondered vaguely why he wasn't closing in for the kill.
The look in his eyes gave him away and she knew he was waiting for her to give him permission. She gave a slight nod and then she moved in. She covered his lips with hers and she revealed in how soft his lips still were. He tasted like champagne, longing, and home. The last one scared her the most as they separated for air and she looked at him for a moment before standing up and disappearing within the crowd.
Logan wondered when she was going to stop running or if she ever would. He wondered when he was going to stop chasing her although a part of him knew he never could.
The back to school party was in full form. It was the last Friday in August of the first semester in Veronica's sophomore year at Hearst. She cursed her friends silently who have brought her to the party and she plotted a slow death for both Wallace and Mac.
She stood against the wall looking over at the various forms of drunken and intoxicated youths and she wondered if she could sneak out without alerting anyone to her departure. She caught a glimpse of Mac and Wallace with their dates dancing to the music having fun and she wished she could just let herself go like that.
This was the first time the three of them had hung out since Wallace had gotten back from Africa. Veronica after two weeks of her internship came home with her head spinning on information the FBI psychologist had told her. She had studied under her for the first two weeks and then she was going to follow some other FBI agents around, but those first two weeks forced her to look within herself and find things she didn't actually want to know.
So after coming home she decided to go see a therapist. Mostly it was her father who forced her into it because he was afraid of what would happen if she didn't deal with all her issues. She wasn't as against the idea as she should've been, but after multiple sessions she was beginning to see things clearer. Also if she didn't go to therapy her father would've forbidden her to work at MI. Too much had happened in the last few years for her to be ok, he had argued that much. So the both of them took time out of their schedule once a week to go see Dr. MiMi Moon.
Veronica snapped out of her thoughts when she saw a flash of green and brown across the room. She felt her entire body freeze at the sight of Logan and before she fully comprehended what she was doing she was on the other side of the room. She looked around startled to see that he wasn't there anymore and then she began her manhunt for him.
He was usually pretty easy to find, he was six feet tall after all and looked as gorgeous as ever. After she made her first sweep of the house she stepped outside into the backyard and found him talking with a tall brunette and her friend. Veronica bit her lip and wondered if she should go interrupt them or just turn around and continue being the wallflower. She decided on the latter knowing she was taking the easy way out. She'd see him later anyway, somewhere maybe in the hall or something and apologize for her massively bitchy behavior over the last year.
Right as she turned around to go back inside though she felt a hand on her upper arm. She stiffened knowing exactly who had stopped her and slowly she turned around. He stared down at her and she gulped as she looked up at him.
"Can we talk?" she asked forging any greeting and instead getting right to the point.
Logan nodded and they walked off the back porch and into the shadows away from the party. There was a long forgotten picnic table on the side of the house that they went to sit on top of. Neither said anything as they sat in the dark beside the other.
"How was your summer?" he asked breaking the stiff silence.
"It was ok." She said vaguely.
"Just ok?" he asked putting his elbows on his knees and leaning forward. He stared down at his shoes unable to look her in the face.
"I quit the FBI." She admitted sheepishly.
Logan's head snapped up to look at her and he saw the uncomfortable expression on her face.
"It just wasn't for me." She added looking down at her hands.
"So what are you going to do?" he asked curiously.
She smiled slightly. "I'm not sure, yet. I'll figure something out."
"You always do."
"What about you? How was your summer?"
"Good. Surfing, hanging out with Dick, you know the usual."
"Lots of bimbos, then?" she asked trying to lighten the mood.
She heard him sigh and noticed he immediately tensed up and went back to sitting with his elbows on his knees and avoiding her eyes.
"Veronica—"
"Listen, Logan, I have to talk to you and I don't want you to interrupt because I need to get everything out before I just…can't." she said taking a deep breath and angling her body towards him.
His head rose again and he stared at her waiting for her to continue on.
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She counted down from five and when she opened them Logan was still there and staring at her waiting for her to make the first move.
"I want to start off by saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for how I treated you and how you thought I thought you were a disappointment. I'm sorry for pushing you away and never telling you I loved you when I do so much. I'm sorry for not fighting for us more and continuously running from you. And I'm sorry for breaking up with you after the whole Madison thing when in reality I was just scared." she took another deep breath and continued on.
"I wish I could take back a lot of the things that have happened, but really I think they've been learning lessons. The last few months without you have been a learning experience. I've started seeing someone and talking to them about my past. I'm trying to work through my issues. I'm trying to change and do everything that should come naturally to me. I want to trust you and tell you I love you. I can't help what I've done, but I can try to be better for you and for us. I just…I want you to know that I do love you, a lot. So much. I have for a very long time and I will for an even longer time. I'm not asking to get back together with you, I'm just telling you so that…I don't know. So that maybe we can be friends or something. Again." She said wringing her hands in her lap and concentrating on getting the words out. She finally looked up at him and gave him a tentative smile. He continued to sit there not knowing what to say with a shocked expression on his face.
"Ok, well, yeah I just wanted to tell you…that." she said finishing off awkwardly and getting off the bench. She was just about to leave the area when his hand shot out to stop her.
"Do you really mean all of that?" he asked anxiously.
She nodded looking into his deep chocolate eyes. "Every word." She said bravely.
"You're really seeing a therapist?" he asked incredulously.
"Once a week. Dad thinks it's vital if I want to work for him." She said with a shrug.
"And did you just figure this out or—"
"Like I said I've known for a long time. Probably longer then even I know. Probably since that 8th grade dance when we danced together in the gym. Lilly and Duncan were so annoyed, but I was so happy just to…just to be with you." she said quietly ducking her head in embarrassment. "I wrote Mrs. Mars-Echolls all over my diary and then a few weeks later Lilly told me you guys had hooked up so…" she cleared her throat remembering memories long past.
He stared at her in amazement.
"It's only you, Logan. It's always just going to be you. I tried to distract myself with Duncan, Piz, Leo, and every other guy I've dated, but it's only been you. It'll always just be you." she whispered.
"And I'm sorry if I ever made you feel less than that. I just wanted you to know." She added reaching out a hand and touching his cheek gently.
He smiled sadly and watched as she shuffled closer.
"You were right. We are Epic." She whispered just before her lips landed on his. The kiss started off soft, before she deepened it. Her tongue slid into his mouth and their desire for the other took over. His tongue glided against hers making her moan into his mouth. Their hands got tangled in each other's hair and he pulled her between his legs. She tightened her hold on him never wanting to let go.
This time she didn't run and he didn't wonder what would happen. He just knew that neither of them were going anywhere without the other. No more past mistakes. Now they could just be lost to the heat of the moment together, forever.
THE END
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