Hi, it's ShadowedDagger again. Hoping this will make you laugh, or possibly smile. I do not own Bleach or Paul Jenning's short story "Birdman".
Enjoy!
Renji walked down the hallway of the building towards the 10th division office, holding a huge stack of paperwork in his arms. His taichou had ordered him to deliver some forms to Captain Hitsugaya.
The poor redhead growled in irritation as some of the papers on the top of the pile slid off and settled on the floor. Rolling his eyes, he carefully balanced the enormous mountain of paperwork and bent to pick up the stray papers.
BONK!
Something heavy landed on his head. He lost his balance and fell over, sending the neatly stacked papers strewing all over the floor.
Renji lay there, twitching, for what seemed like hours to him, until the pain in his head receded to a dull throb. Getting up off the ground and dusting himself off, he stared in dismay at the messy array of papers all over the floor.
Taichou's gonna KILL me, he thought. He looked up at the roof, where sure enough, there was a hole, revealing a patch of cloudless sky. He began to pick up the fallen papers and place them in an orderly stack, grumbling to himself about how the sky was falling and how everyone should have listened to Chicken Little and built stronger roofs.
As soon as the papers were all immaculately placed in one tidy mound, Renji picked them up and started to head off. Suddenly, though, he wondered whether he should find the piece of sky that had fallen through the roof and caused him all this trouble.
Carefully placing the papers on the floor (he wasn't willing to risk spilling them again), he noticed a smoky grey object lying on the floor. Renji cautiously approached the mysterious object, wondering why it looked so dark when the sky outside was a nice, pale blue.
Upon closer inspection, he realized it was a cat!
What—Renji thought, staring dumbfounded at the cat. I dropped all my papers because a CAT jumped on my head?! Angrily, he drew back his foot to kick it.
Then he realized that the cat wasn't moving. He blinked, and reached down to poke the cat's body. The animal didn't stir. Oh…it's dead, Renji thought, surprising himself at the quickness with which he had figured this out.
"Maybe I should clean it up,"he said to himself. He picked up the cat by the tail and was about to drop it into his pocket when he saw that its whole underbelly area was hollow!
"Huh?" The word came out more like a noise then an actual word. Renji held the cat carefully in his hands and stared at it. It looks kind of like a hat, he concluded.
Renji was suddenly possessed by the desire to put the cat hat on his head. Yes, he knew it was stupid, but c'mon! He was bored, and all his friends had abandoned him—Hisagi was doing paperwork (workaholic), Kira was crying over a picture of his former captain (crybaby), Ichigo—who was now captain of 5th Division—was training (competitive freak), Ikkaku was running some errands for Kenpachi (teacher's—er, taichou's pet!), Yumichika was washing his hair for the third time that day (narcissist), and Matsumoto…
A slight blush came onto Renji's cheeks as he thought of the beautiful strawberry blonde. Quickly shaking his head to clear his mind, he realized that the pile of paperwork was still waiting to be brought to Captain Hitsugaya.
Perhaps I'll see Matsumoto when I drop off this mountain, Renji smiled. He tucked the cat hat away in his pocket and picked up the papers, heading off towards the office.
When Renji arrived, the first thing he saw was several huge stacks of paper, blocking his view of the 10th division captain.
"Uh, I brought some forms Kuchiki-taichou asked me to--" Renji started, but Hitsugaya stopped him.
"Just leave them on the stack to my left."
Renji obeyed and put the forms on the left pile of paperwork. As he did, he looked around for any sign of the big-chested woman known as Matsumoto.
"Um, Hitsugaya-taichou?"
"What?"
"Where's Matsumoto?"
The silence that followed was long and uncomfortable. When Hitsugaya answered, his voice was so icy Renji almost shivered.
"Where do you think?"
Renji swallowed before he answered. "Well, if you could--"
"You've done your job, now leave me alone," Hitsugaya interrupted coldly.
"R-right. Um, good luck with the paperwork!" Renji said, bolting out the door before he was turned into a Popsicle.
"What a brat," Renji grumbled as he hurried down the hallway. "I was just asking…" Renji shoved his hands into his pockets and stifled a shriek as he felt something furry.
What…Renji then remembered the cat hat he had put in his pocket. His eyes brightened and he pulled it out. He ran to show Kira the cat hat.
"You mean it just fell out of the sky?" Kira sniffed, wiping his eyes. A sodden picture of Captain Ichimaru lay nearby on the desk.
Renji shrugged. "Yeah, I guess."
"And it's a hat?"
"Well, I…suppose…"
Kira blew his nose and tossed the tissue into the trashcan. "Put it on," he urged. "Let's see what happens."
"Er, okay…" Renji said, feeling slightly uneasy. He picked up the cat hat from where it sat on the desk and looked at it. Its eyes were closed, but Renji felt as though the cat hat was somehow…alive.
I'm going crazy, Renji thought. He stared at the cat hat for a while longer, and then slipped it onto his head. It felt strangely warm.
The two shinigami waited for something to happen—perhaps an explosion, some confetti to spew out of the cat, a song to start playing…
Nothing happened.
Disappointment showed clearly on Kira's face. He turned away and sniffled into a tissue.
"Er…" Renji looked at Kira's back and shrugged. He reached up to pull the hat off, but though he tugged until his fingers were sore, the cat hat refused to budge. He frowned slightly, then turned to ask Kira for help.
THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN.
IT SAW A BLONDE-HAIRED MAN CRYING PITIFULLY.
THE EYES CLICKED CLOSE AGAIN.
Renji suddenly felt a deep wave of sadness come over him. Before he knew it, he was crying and blubbering like a baby! He tried to stop, but he couldn't stop the tears from leaking out, couldn't stop the sobs that were escaping his lips.
Kira turned around at the sudden noise and stared at Renji, unaccustomed to seeing his friend break down so suddenly. "Um…is there something wrong?"
Renji struggled to speak, but he just kept sobbing. He finally managed to burst out "No, nothing's wrong!"
Kira looked at Renji for a while longer, then scowled angrily. "Stop making fun of me!" Kira screamed violently. He lunged for Renji, screaming and crying and wiping his nose.
Renji stumbled back, still sobbing. He ran out the door and took off down the hallway. After a few seconds, he was finally able to stop crying.
"What was that?" Renji said. "Why'd I start crying?" He shook the strange feeling off and headed back to the office. His Captain probably had some paperwork for him to do, and he would throw a (dignified) fit if Renji wasn't there to do it.
He sighed and walked down the hallway to the office, forgetting about the cat hat.
When Renji opened the door, Byakuya looked up from his paperwork. He raised an eyebrow. "What is that disgusting thing sitting on top of your head?"
Renji stopped short. Argh, the cat hat! He had forgotten it. He tried to look as cool and composed as he could before saying, "It's the new hat they're selling in stores right now. I had to wait in line for hours to get one. You can go down to the store to get one now if you want."
Byakuya did not try to keep the disgusted look off his face. "Just do the paperwork, Renji."
"Yes, taichou," Renji answered. He walked towards the papers Byakuya was holding out for him.
THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN.
IT SAW A MAN DOING PAPERWORK WHILE
SITTING AT A DESK.
THE EYES CLICKED CLOSE AGAIN.
Just before he could take the papers from Byakuya, Renji's body went rigid. He walked past Byakuya's outstretched hand and around the desk.
"Renji…" Byakuya looked up impatiently when Renji did not take the papers from his hand, and blinked in surprise as Renji plunked himself down on Byakuya's lap. He picked up the brush and started to do Byakuya's paperwork.
"Abarai!" Byakuya said, trying to keep his cool. "Kindly remove yourself from my lap and go do your paperwork."
Renji took no notice of Byakuya. He leaned back as he wrote, giving Byakuya a mouthful of hair. "Erk!" Byakuya pulled away and took a deep breath. He tried to push Renji off, but Renji refused to leave his Captain's lap. By now Byakuya was very, very red in the face and he was beginning to feel a headache coming on. "Fukutaichou!" He snapped angrily.
Renji stopped. He blinked as he looked down at the paperwork he had just done, and then glanced over his shoulder at his red-faced, angry Captain. "Er…" he said. "I can explain…"
"Get out of the office." Byakuya's tone dared Renji to disobey him. "And don't bother coming back until I tell you to."
Renji clambered off his Captain's lap as fast as he could. "Right. Um, I'll see you later!" He then took off as fast as he could.
Panting, Renji looked wondered where he should go next. He looked into a mirror and saw the cat hat sitting on his head, eyes still closed. He said aloud, "Stupid cat hat. Are you the one causing all my problems?" He decided to stop by Hisagi next and ask for assistance in getting the dumb hat off.
Renji sighed and stretched. He had come to Hisagi and told him the story, hoping for help, but Hisagi simply nodded vaguely and asked if Renji would help with his paperwork. So now Renji was stuck filling out some forms when he should have been brainstorming ways to get the cat hat off.
Hoping for some spark of inspiration in getting the cat hat off, he looked out the window.
THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN.
IT SAW A FEW KIDS DRAWING ON THE
GROUND WITH CHALK.
THE EYES CLICKED CLOSE AGAIN.
Renji jumped up from his seat. Hisagi looked at him worriedly. "That's it? You're leaving? But you only did two--"
Renji grabbed the brush from Hisagi's hand and knelt on the floor. He placed the brush against the smooth wooden surface, and started drawing.
"Hey!" Hisagi cried. "Renji, what are you doing?!" He tried to pull the brush away from the redhead, but Renji pushed Hisagi away and continued drawing.
"Look," Hisagi said, pulling out some blank pieces of paper, "You can draw on these. Now get off the floor and clean it up!"
Renji looked up at Hisagi, stared at the pieces of paper in his hand, and continued drawing on the floor. He carefully filled out the details and even hummed to himself as he drew, not caring that the ink was staining his robes.
Finally, after what seemed like eternity to Hisagi, Renji stopped and stared at the inky floor. "Huh?" he said.
"'Huh?' That's all you can say?!" Hisagi snatched the brush from Renji's hands and looked at him crossly. "Look at the floor!"
Gulping, Renji looked at the picture of…what was that? A chicken? "I…I can explain…" Renji started.
To his surprise, Hisagi shook his head. "Don't explain. Just clean up the floor, then leave."
"Yes, sir," Renji replied meekly. He grabbed a cloth, ran it under the tap, and started wiping.
Soon Renji finished, and he said goodbye to Hisagi. "Stupid cat hat's making me do stuff," he grumbled as he pondered where to head next. "Never should have put it on…"
He heard a familiar voice coming from the 10th Division office. "Taichou!"
That's it! Renji thought excitedly. I'll go ask Hitsugaya-taichou. After all, he is a child prodigy. And it sounds like Matsumoto's there as well…
He sprinted down the hall and swung open the door.
THE CAT HAT'S EYES CLICKED OPEN.
IT SAW A WHITE-HAIRED BOY GETTING
SMOTHERED IN THE BOSOM OF A WOMAN.
THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN.
"Wha—" Renji said as he felt himself run towards Matsumoto. "No! No no no no no no no…" His voice faded away as his face buried itself in the twin peaks of Mt. Matsumoto.
"Why Renji, I never knew you felt that way about me," Matsumoto teased cheekily. Hitsugaya had just left to deliver the forms to Byakuya after threatening Renji with bodily harm if he ever molested his fukutaichou again.
Renji just grunted. It seemed like he was doomed to wear the stupid cat hat forever, and to keep embarrassing himself.
"What's the matter, Renji?" Matsumoto leaned closer to the redhead, showing off her perfect pearly whites. Renji was about to reply when she leaned even closer and gently kissed his lips.
Instantly, he blushed, but kissed her back. His arms slid around her waist, all memory of Hitsugaya's threat gone.
Her hands reached around to the back of his neck and tried to untie his ponytail. She stopped and pulled away. Renji looked at her. Had he done something wrong?
"The dead cat has got to go," Matsumoto said, wrinkling her nose. She grabbed the cat's ears, and with one fluid motion, pulled it off Renji's head and flung it out the window. "Now, where were we…?"
Renji grinned as they leaned in for another kiss.
Outside, Ichigo was taking a break from training. He panted and walked over to a tree to rest in the shade. As he walked, he tripped over something.
"Eeh?" He looked down, and saw a cat lying at his feet. Its underbelly was hollow, almost like a hat.
"Hmm…" Ichigo made sure no one was looking, then carefully picked up the cat hat. He put it in his pocket and went into the building.
Please leave reviews. Suggestions/comments/"You are a st00pid l00zer" remarks/anything else are very much appreciated. Also, I'm thinking of doing a sequel. Should I, or just leave it as a oneshot?