Title: Darkness's Inside
Rating: PG- 13 might be NC-17 in the next chapters
Pairing: Miranda / Andrea
Summary: I looked at her. I remember being hurt; looking at her hurt. With every step she made graciously, with every move she taunted her viewers with, the dagger in my heart twisted a little too far and reality finally hit me hard; Andrea Sachs, the love of my life, was a stripper in Manhattan, as stripper who dances naked for a perverted crowd and strips for these perverted minds.

A/N: I freaking love my beta! You know why Honey ;)
A/N 2: This is a bit Angsty so beware =D
A/N 3: Enjoy! Oh and please leave reviews =D

Prologue

October 25, 2007

It has been nearly a year since she got away, almost a year since she left me and almost a year since I've last seen her. I don't know why I was drawn to her. All I knew was that nothing ever felt right again ever since she left. I always knew that everything comes with a price and being at the top of my career is not an exception. Right now, I am enduring the entire price that I have to pay to stay at the top. I know I would not only be suffering myself but I would also be suffering my children, and the people who I deem to be close to me. But what can I do? I know I can never lose authority because if I lose being on the top I would lose a part of myself, either way I would still be putting everything I have on stake. So I'd rather do what I love most, try to be happy and fulfill all the aspects of my life as much as I can and that includes being a mother, and being myself. As much as I hate writing the entire content of my thoughts, my therapist deemed it right that I must. He says that I am holding a lot of things back from him and that if I could not be honest with him, I must at least be honest with myself. And so, here I am writing each thought that crosses my mind at this very moment. The truth is that I have a lot of things to hold back and that is not because I wouldn't like to tell them but it is because my thoughts contains stories that are not mine to tell or at least mine alone to tell. I have no Idea why people are drawn towards other people's mistakes. It seems that if a person commits something so wrong, it is other people's business to air that person's dirty laundry and all of these things make me reluctant to actually reveal my thoughts. But in the privacy of this hard bound journal, I would write these thoughts and not be restrained in showing my vulnerability, myself. And the summary of the contents of these thoughts comes in the form of a name. Andrea Sachs.

And to say the least, I have completely fallen for her. It may be a late confession but I have gradually accepted that truth to myself nine months after she left my employ. Inside those nine months was the reluctance to submit myself of that ridiculous Idea that I just might have fallen for the idiotic girl. At first I thought that what I was feeling was irritation of how the girl left. Of course I was irritated of when and how she left but what concerned me was WHO she left. My first thoughts were, 'how dare her leave me! I am Miranda Priestly and I can burn her dreams on the snap of my fingers'. And of course she left me to tend to myself on Paris fashion week without making sure that I was secured and assisted professionally. She left me when she knew that I would be facing a hell of a time once the divorce processes begins and once the press picks up on it. She left me! Nobody leaves me until I decide to dismiss them. But she somehow penetrated these thoughts more on what I have stated. That reaction for me was reasoned out for the first 4 months after she left since she did leave the dragon in the most unfortunate time and the most unfortunate way. But after the press fiasco, and after Stephen signed the paper as fast as ink dries on a paper, and after I knew that my children were not too emotionally a braised by the whole situation, I still find myself thinking about her. This time, I think of her on a different light. I would wonder how she is she doing, if she is on a relationship, if she stayed with the cook, or if she is enjoying her job.

I got a little worried when I didn't see her articles at the mirror anymore a little over 5 months after I gave her that recommendation. I tried looking for her writing on other papers but she seemed nowhere to be found. And then I reflected. I found it way too ridiculous that I am looking for a silly ex-assistant who didn't even finish her tenure. I tried telling myself that I was only keeping tabs on my investments since I can't have someone writing RUNWAY on their resumes and not be doing satisfactorily with their career.

A month after that, I started having dreams about her. Typical dreams where we just have dinner and watch movies with the twin's. Dreams where I just have her by my side; in my arms. That's when my heavy realization happened. What does it mean when you hate someone for leaving you? What does it mean when you find yourself thinking about that person? What does it mean when you wonder how her day went, how she is? Is she happy? Does that mean you miss her? What does it mean when you dream about that person being a part of your family? Contrary to the whole belief, I don't know everything. I don't have answers to everything and make miracles happen. I may always do those things at RUNWAY because god knows I make a miracle each and every time I try to salvage the quality of work my staff gives me. But in my personal life? I don't know things half as much as other people know. All I know is that after all the thinking and trying to reflect how I feel, I have come to the conclusion that I really have fallen for Andrea Sachs.

And now it has been a year since she left my employ, and a little over three months since I finally accepted my feelings towards her. And it has also been a little over three months since I decided to find her. I remember how stunned Emily was when I asked her to find me Andrea's contact information and her address. But inside those 3 months it seems that luck isn't with me. I've learned that Andrea got laid off around the same time that I stopped reading her articles at the Mirror. I tried contacting her Family and friends who all claimed that Andrea have not had any contact with them ever since she got laid off. I even tried contacting the cook to see if he had any information about her but even he doesn't have any idea of her whereabouts. And so here I am right now; A 52 year old woman who recently embraced her changed sexual orientation and is seeking for a 27 years old woman. Ever since I accepted my feelings for her, I vowed to myself that I will find her and bring her back into my life no matter what it cost.

MP

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