I've been rewatching from the beginning of Owen's journey on the show to get some ideas as I finish my latest story. But when I watched "Suicide is Painless" (6x18), I was struck hard with this idea.
I loved the glimpse into Owen's past, but I feel like there was SO much unexplored potential there for him to be better understood by others. I was visibly cringing at some parts that showed him struggling with a flashback while someone else around him assumed he was just being obstinate. This one-shot will hopefully fix that.
Avid fans might recognize an intentional deviation of a scene or two from "Stairway to Heaven" (5x13). It was too good to resist not doing.
He pushed himself up from the floor. Then dropped back down.
"What is your problem?"
Teddy was livid. She was looking at him like she couldn't contain her disgust and that shocked him.
"You have no idea what she's been dealing with!" she went on furiously. " The kind of pain that she's in... "
She continued tirading at him, but he had stopped hearing her.
All he could hear was the sound of Dan's agonized yelling.
He gasped for breath, aggressively pushing himself up and down. Up and down.
He didn't want to rage at her. Even as the words started tumbling out, guilt was making his heart ache. But he couldn't control them.
"Probably?" he ground out furiously. Cristina's brow jumped in surprise and hurt in front of him. "Probably is good enough for you? Probably is good enough for Dr. Altman?! "
Instead of retaliating with anger and letting him justify his feelings of surliness, she reacted in concern and made him feel even lousier. She tried to tenderly touch him.
He backed away, unable to bear it, and quickly turned his back on her. He hurried away as she called after him.
His vision was blurring. He kept pounding out push ups without feeling it.
Staggering out of the overturned Humvee, he tried to get his bearings.
He glimpsed something immediately in his periphery and turned his head toward it. It was a severed limb. He shuddered in horror and forced himself to keep moving.
He walked a few more paces and discovered the charred remains of someone. Bile rose in his throat. Despair choked him as he stumbled past.
Toward the tail end of the demolished vehicle, he discovered the bleeding, lifeless body of Gecko.
'Oh, Jesus...not Gecko, too!' he thought.
Christ. Gecko had just bounded into the tent this morning practically giddy because his wife had told him he was going to be a father for the first time.
His arms started to shake with effort. He pushed even harder, clenching his teeth against the sobs bubbling up.
Dan had a look of peaceful resignation in his eyes and Owen avoided his gaze.
"Move your hand," his superior said, covering Owen's hand with his own to force it off.
Owen just clamped down harder. "No," he ground out.
"Move your hand," Dan repeated more firmly. "That's an order, Soldier."
" No, " he replied. Then he caught himself. "Sir."
Wetness hit the floor. He was about to collapse. Up, down. Up, Down.
"I need you to say a Hail Mary with me."
Up, down. Again. Again. Again.
"You've got to do it," Dan said gently. Owen couldn't see past the tears in his eyes. "You've got to do it. I can't force you."
He looked into Dan's face, his own twisting. He was prolonging the man's torture.
His hand shook as he let it fall away. Blood spurted out, spilling onto the sand, and he watched Dan fade into death.
"What are you-?"
Cristina's voice abruptly made him jump. He startled, whipping around. The words caught in her throat. She stared at him, speechless with worry.
Tears were running down his face and he didn't seem to know it.
"Owen," she breathed in concern.
He shook his head with a fake smile. "I couldn't sleep," he said breathlessly with false nonchalance." It's fine. Go back to bed. "
He turned quickly away from her. He sat up on the floor and tried to relax his quivering arms.
"It's not fine," she said, padding softly across the room. She sat down cross-legged next to his back, listening to him catch his breath. "What are you thinking?"
His body shook with exhaustion. He didn't look at her.
"Nothing," he said.
Cristina placed a hand gently on the back of his neck. He was so tense that it shocked her.
"I'm worried about you, Owen," she said with frank quietness. She rubbed her fingers across his skin. "A lot."
He huffed out a breath. After a moment, he turned slowly toward her. The expression of sadness on his face cut her to the core. He swallowed hard and shook his head in defeat.
His eyes were bright and wet. "I know...you don't understand me," he said. His voice quivered. "I don't understand me."
She held her breath, afraid if she spoke that he would retreat again. She sat still and cupped his cheek. She absently thumbed away the wetness there.
He swallowed again. The emotion that came like a tide took his breath away.
"Dan was-begging me to die," he struggled to say.
Cristina wasn't prepared for that. Her hand froze. The tears came faster than he could stop them.
"He was blown apart. I wanted to show him compassion-" The words came out in a torrent of despair. "And it was awful."
He suddenly broke. Sobs shook his entire frame and he couldn't fight them.
"It was awful. "
Tears filled her own eyes. She surged forward and wrapped him tightly into a hug. Her own body shook with the force of his sobs. He slumped against her as if no longer able to stay upright.
"I can't talk about it," he said in anguish. " I can't. "
Her tears dropped onto his shoulder.
"Ok," she whispered. She rubbed his back. "You don't have to, Owen. "
She sat quietly, aching for him, trying to comfort him the best way she could.
Her cell phone blared next to her head at full volume, a habit she had developed in the Army because of how hard she normally slept. Teddy jumped into awareness.
She grabbed it, blearily seeing Cristina's name on the screen.
"What is it, Yang?" she said grumpily. "I'm not on call."
"I need you to come over."
Cristina spoke in a rush. Teddy furrowed her brow and sleepily tried to make sense of the words.
"Huh?" she finally said.
"I need you to come. " Cristina spoke pointedly. "To my house. Owen can't stop crying."
Silenced filled the line.
Teddy decided she must have been dreaming. She rubbed her eyes.
"Cristina," she finally. "What the hell are you talking about? Do you have any idea how long I've been awake?"
"Owen just got up in the middle of the night and did so many push ups that he almost collapsed, " Cristina said in a rush. " He started talking about someone in Iraq named Dan and now he's sitting in the middle of my living room and can't stop crying."
Teddy felt like she had been punched right in the stomach. She gripped the phone tighter.
Shit, Owen.
Cristina spoke quieter. "I don't know how to help him," she said. "And I think...that you might."
Teddy immediately reached for her shoes.
"What's your address?"
Cristina stood in front of Owen, biting her lip. He was sitting against the couch staring down at his hands. He looked as if he was just resting normally.
Except for the steady stream of tears that kept coming.
There was a knock at the door. Owen didn't react. Cristina quickly went to it.
Teddy stood on the other side. She wore a faded sweatshirt and yoga pants, her hair in a messy ponytail. Cristina stepped aside and Teddy went in without a word.
She saw Owen sitting on the floor and took a breath. She glanced at Cristina, silently asking for privacy. Cristina stepped into the kitchen, not wanting to intrude but wanting to stay close.
Teddy gently dropped down on the floor beside him. She didn't speak.
Owen didn't look at her.
A small smile played on her lips.
"Do you remember," she said, " that time Gecko walked in on Staff Sergeant Rojas giving himself an enema? "
He wasn't prepared to hear that. A surprised laugh exploded out, making her grin.
He ducked his head and wiped his eyes. She pretended not to see.
"He came back into camp asking if that was a requirement for promotion," he said, chuckling wetly.
She laughed.
Then she laid a gentle hand on his knee.
"Gecko was a good guy," she said seriously. " Dan, too. A hell of a guy." He finally met her gaze. She took in his red eyes and splotchy face without pity. "He always had our backs, didn't he? God, he was such a great guy."
They went quiet, each lost in separate memories.
"I'm sorry, Owen," she finally said. " I busted your ass about Kim and I forgot all about that night and what you went through. I was a shitty friend. "
He shook his head. "You've never been a shitty friend, Teddy."
He already looked brighter and like some of the weight had lifted. She smiled widely, inwardly relieved.
"Well..." she hedged with a playful grimace. "Except for that time I made the guys believe you caught crabs from Beth."
He burst out laughing, which made her dissolve into giggles so hard that she couldn't breathe.
"Oh, my God," he snorted. " I wanted to kill you! "
"I couldn't help it!" she gasped. "It was either that or let them continue the rumor that you were a virgin! "
Owen started laughing until he almost cried
Cristina couldn't hear what they were saying from where she was sneaking glances over the kitchen island. But seeing Owen laugh was a relief and she knew calling Teddy was the right decision.
She considered herself Owen's "person" and always would.
But Teddy understood some things she couldn't. If it helped him through his dark times, she didn't mind sharing.