rule 1
At first she is just encompassed by laughter. It seems to be light hearted, the men cheering a black haired girl on, beer bottles in hand. But as she continues to listen, the laughter turns cruel. Maniacal even. It's wrong, all wrong, and the girl who's wandering towards her looks stoic, arms crossed across her chest, mouth a thin line, patience waning and an unbridled anger brewing beneath her unemotional, unfeeling stance. But as that girl comes closer, fist clenched around a few meager, crumpled up dollar bills, she can see a sort of sadness ghosting over her grey eyes, an underlying pain etched into her weary face. If she blinks a few times, she thinks she can spot a bruise scarring the side of her head, black hair falling loosely over it, trying to conceal it, to bury it beneath where no one can ever find it.
The black haired girl storms up, a brittle weakness now revealing itself in every step she takes. She's shaking; shuddering slightly, although that may just be the alcohol and drugs pumping into her system that's creating a shaky, fuzzy image.
The girl tosses the money at her and Cat watches as the dollar bills plummet to the ground in little balls. Immediately, like a damned trained dog, she drops to the cement, wounds on her knees reopening, blood spilling over her legs. She gathers the money hurriedly and shoves it into her pockets, perhaps with a few rocks as well. She doesn't know, it's dark, and she's drunk or maybe she's high or maybe she's both and she just doesn't care anymore as long as she has her fucking money.
"Get up," the black haired girl commands, pushing Cat with her foot. "I didn't give your worthless ass money just to lay on the floor all night. Let's go." There is no shakiness in her voice, nothing but pure venom and the more Cat looks at her, the more she appears snakelike with a sharp tongue and slanted eyes, and poised to strike. Cat stumbles to her feet, a mess of blood and dirt and most of it probably isn't even her own blood and the dirt might not just be dirt.
The black haired girl eyes her with such distaste and such hostility that it should have made Cat cower. It should have made her run, ripped up, worn out pink converse slapping along the pavement as she went, but she's so used to it now she doesn't even give a fuck. She just complies and follows the girl to the car while all the boys crowd around, whistling and hollering. A drunken mess of red faces with busted veins. One boy in particular stands out. A boy with shaggy black hair, red suspenders hanging limply at his sides. He's calm, cool, and collected, watching on like he's the leader of this group and he's the one that's making whatever is happening actually happen.
She doesn't get any more time to examine him as she's caterwauled into a car.
"Close the door."
"W-wait, I-"
"Close the door." And she doesn't, because her senses are overloaded and there's so many different sights and smells and sounds and even though she should be used to this by now she's just not, she's not at all. So she leans out the door and pukes, her innards coming up in a mess of alcohol and unidentified pills.
"You're disgusting," is all the girl besides her says before leaning across her and closing the door with a horrific slam that gives Cat a small, throbbing headache.
"I-it's okay. I have…I have Listerine." She pulls out a pack of Listerine tape she keeps in her pockets and shoves about ten into her mouth. It burns her mouth and sends waves of heat through her body, but she swallows it down, the other girl just looking at her like she can't believe this is actually happening. That she is actually being forced to do this with a girl like Cat.
Cat can tell. This black haired is not pleased, not pleased at all, but this wouldn't be the first time someone wasn't pleased with her and should the black hair girl be the violent type it wouldn't be the first time Cat was beaten bloody.
Instead, "How old are you?" And it's such a fundamental question and so basic, so fucking basic, that she finds herself gaping, trying to remember, to recall just who in the hell she is and what fucking age she is.
Finally, she thinks of something and she's not sure if it's her age or her brother's age or even one of her friend's age, but she is sure it's an age so she just says it anyway. "Seventeen."
The black haired girl just nods, looks like she's about to comment, like she's about to say something that shouldn't be said, doesn't need to be said, but she just sits there with her trap shut steadfast and it kind of relieves Cat and she kind of finds herself liking this girl and wondering what the hell kind of situation she has gotten herself wrapped into.
There's not much else to be said so Cat begins to lean in, begins to start her routine, but the black haired girl turns away, a small rosy color rising to her cheeks. And she almost looks innocent, almost looks like she just accidentally strolled into this part of town and is looking for a way out, but no one just "accidentally" walks into this city.
"Have you…Have you never done it?" And even after all this time she still can't say the word.
This gets a reaction out of the black haired girl. "Of course I have!" Cat's eyes widen in response to the venom that each word is soaked in and she glances down at her shoes.
"You're mean," she mutters quietly.
"You're just realizing that." It wasn't a question. And neither is the banging that comes from the window and the "Hurry up!" that is only slightly muffled by the sealed door yet still entirely coherent.
This time it's the black haired girl's eyes that widen, yet this is because of fear and nothing else and the girl grabs Cat's head forcefully and smashes her lips onto Cat's cracked, swollen, broken lips. Nothing about it is sweet or tender, but Cat doesn't really mind, partially because she doesn't know what gentle feels like and partially because she is still drunk (or high) and whenever intimate stuff like this starts, she just stops caring, stops feeling, becoming more a shell than she usually is.
Except this time is different than all the others. This time she talks.
"I'll do everything, you just sit there and respond," is whispered in between kisses. Cat huffs in compliance because she was paid so she doesn't give a fuck how this happens.
Near the end of everything, Jade whispers again in her ear, hot breath swirling around Cat's ear. "I'm sorry." And it's…it's almost fantastic, almost amazing, almost…almost grandiose except it's dreadful, it's so fucking dreadful because no one has ever apologized to her in a long, long time and she gets the feeling that this girl is not one for apologies so she begins to feel. She fucking begins to feel something and it's warm and it's feels so good, like she's not living in the darkness anymore she's in some sort of hot light and everything is just okay for a moment. But that's not okay because she quickly learned that Rule 1 of this world was to never, ever feel. That's how things get broken.
"What's your name?" It comes out without her thinking about it, comes out when everything is over and done with and they're both just sitting there, drowning in the sweaty heat of the car.
The black haired girl looks at her, looks at her a long, long time, the cheering in the background fading into silence. "It's Jade."
There's a pause, Cat's mouth parting slightly. For what she doesn't know. For amazement, for shock, for the chance to say something else? She never takes names, never ever does.
Then the door is yanked open and Cat's brought to her senses by the chilling wind whisking in and a hard pull on her arm that sends her crashing to the ground, head knocking into the smoky, cigarette infested cement. Someone steps on her hand as they reach in the car to grab Jade. They yank her out in a similar manner, except Jade remains on her legs, a menacing arch to her eyebrows and anger sketched into her body. Only the shaking of her knees betrays her to the frightened animal she really is.
They begin to leave, jeering at Cat, making snide comments about her hair and her outfit and as Jade is tugged along behind them, she gives a glance over her shoulder at the bleeding, broken girl sprawled out on the road.
"M-my nam-name is-" she tries to splutter out, but Jade just shakes her head and turns around, continuing on with those boys. So she just watches as the party heads out of sight until a man rushes to her side, pulling her roughly to her feet and dusting her off.
"What are you doing on the ground? And were you about to give your name out? Are you fucking crazy you bitch?"
And all Cat can do is just shake her head repeatedly, just like Jade, blood dribbling down the corners of her mouth. "The girl wouldn't let me say my name anyway."
.
Being a streetwalker, as they called it, is illegal, but it's the only source of money she can get. No one will hire her for a real job. Not with her reputation of a junky. Even being such a large city that she lives in, one mention of her name sends potential employers running. The Valentine name has long been a source of commotion and with the amount of attention it has attracted within the last decade one could almost consider it famous.
But it's not. It's frowned upon.
Cat throws open the door to her shack, shivering, wet with blood, broken. This isn't the worst she has come back (if she comes back at all). She empties out her earnings on the table and when she begins to count them she realizes somewhere along the line she must've gotten robbed again because all she made was a few dollars. Maybe enough for a small meal.
It's not a huge deal though, because she's gone hungry multiple times before and really she just needs her drugs and alcohol to keep her going. They're free anyway so she'll just have to live off them.
Cat gets up with a huff and goes to the closet where she keeps the food and medication. She grabs some pasta and strides into the small, run down, slightly dangerous kitchen where she proceeds to make dinner. After all is made, she pours the pasta into a dirty, cracked bowl and brings it down the hall to a room where her brother stays. She gives him the food and he just grunts because he can't talk because he's "special" and then she just leaves because the smell is making her hungry and three nights is the longest she has gone without food.
Still, as she walks into the bathroom and glances at the grimy, dirt infested mirror, sees the bones contouring her figure, ribs protruding from the sallow, dark looking skin, she thinks she could stand to lose some weight. Just a little more.
She turns the tap water on and puts a washcloth under it along with some soap for her nightly shower.
.
The next night all she can think of is Jade. Everyone she touches, everyone she kisses, everyone she fucks reminds her of the black haired girl. And she's not sure why, but she knows, knows it in the depths of her heart (if her heart even still works with all the drugs winding through it, tightening around it, constricting it) this is bad. Because caring is never good. Caring gets you killed.
And that's why she's going to die. Not because of the fucking cigarettes, or the drugs, or the alcohol, or even the beatings, it's because she fucking gives two shits about her brother. And now she cares about a girl she only knows the body of.
But perhaps this girl is going to be different. Because she noticed that the girl's body was adorned with bruises and scars and lashes, like she possessed by heathens and half of the sin infested stains inflected on her body are because of those demons, and the other half is because of her demons.
Maybe this girl feels the same way Cat does and maybe they could actually be friends and get out of the place together and perhaps they can run, just run, and find a house and get jobs and live together and maybe they can explore the lands and maybe they can even get a puppy.
A.
Fucking.
Puppy.
She's crazy. She always knew she was. That's why she has the nickname Crazy Cat and that's why everyone made fun of her when she was in school and that's why she can't think clearly, because she's freakin' crazy. Insane. Fucking mental.
She needs to push Jade as far out of her mind as possible.
But of course that only makes her think of the girl even more. So she keeps a look out, just in case this girl decides to come here, but the girl never does. Not this night. Not for many nights.
No, the only people she sees that she recognizes (or can remember) are the vicious people that normally cycle through town. She receives her daily beatings, the poundings that ensue after a particularly hard night for a man with his wife where all the anger is directed at her like she someone screwed up their marriage and you know she probably did because she's just fucking screwed up like that.
So every night (or more like morning) she goes home and just looks at herself in the mirror, sees all the wounds on her body and sometimes she wonders. Wonders why in the hell she was put here on this planet, but then she hears her brother calling and she remembers why. And she hears him and she can tell, just freaking tell, that he's trying to say her name, but he can't, he fucking can't, and that's why she's taking care of him. Because he can't take of himself, and he relies so heavily upon her and even though he can't say so he loves her so much. Enough to comfort her when she's having nightmares, like the one she just had the other day.
.
"I'm under my bed, I'm under my bed, I'm under my bed!" And she's really not because her bed is just a broken couch and she can't crawl under that, or even fit (although maybe one day hopefully she will be able to). Then there's a flash of blood, except it's not anyone else's this time, it's hers and it's spewing out of her body and pooling in gruesome stickiness on the floor, seeping into the floorboards, and suddenly she's screaming against because perhaps the drugs haven't fully worn off and oh god wait is this a hallucination or is this real life or is she just imagining or-
She feels arms wrap tight around her body and with terror she claws at them, hollering at the top of her lungs like a maniac, and when she can't escape she begins to realize it's just her brother and she looks down at his arms where her white, bony fingers are clenching and she releases. On his arm are ten more scratch marks to match the others already there.
"Frankie…Frankie, I…I'm so sorry!" And just like that she's sobbing and crying and just a bloody mess of tears and scars and wounds that will never heal, just manifest into bigger injuries from being reopened time and time again.
He just grunts, resting his head on her shoulder and she's reminded of how much she needs him just like he needs her and it calms her down a bit and she starts to regain herself, her sniveling and sniffling dying down.
"Frankie, are-are your arms okay?" And he just takes his hand and strokes her hair and she's glad he's not the type to recoil from other's touches like most autistic kids are.
They sit there for a while, not saying much of anything while Cat just reflects. Reflects on the death of her parents, reflects on Jade, reflects on her life. And she comes to the same conclusion she usually does when this deep in thought except this one has more clarity and certainty than the others.
"I'm going to die," she says and it's true.
.
So it's unfortunate then that after one particularly rough night, she goes home and can't get out of bed for a few days. She's lost all track of time and she knows she should go take care of Frankie, but hasn't it only been a few hours? And her head is pounding and her soul is dying and she just can't get up. And when she finally does, too much time has already passed and Frankie has come down with a horrific fever that just can't be cured.
Within a few weeks, he dies and she's left all alone, unable to afford a funeral, unable to move his body, unable to grieve. She just walks around more ghastly than usual and she finally feels like she's really slipping away and everything that was her is gone and she's just made up of a mess of nicotine and blood and bones. When she finally can move the body, she cries. She cries and she drags it outside and puts a row of rocks around it and then just lights her cigarette and then bends down and lights the body and she's trying to be deep and tries to make his incineration mean something and perhaps be symbolic, but really it doesn't mean anything because the ground was slightly frosted and she didn't have the muscle to bury him so she just did the only thing she could. Light up his body with a fucking lighter and smoke. And as the smell of burning skin wisps into the night time air, she feels more guilty than she ever has, but she just knew she couldn't wait any longer to burn the body.
After she puts the fire out she throws her cigarette on the ashes and heads off down the street to her job.
.
It's been a year since she last saw Jade and she's kind of lost hope and she kind of just wants to die and she's kind of forgetting her, so it's fortunate that finally, finally, she sees Jade walking down the street, long sleeves, long pants, steps meaningful and purposeful like they're going to take her away from this godforsaken place.
"Jade," Cat calls softly, to tired to be excited like she would have been a year ago. Nonetheless, Jade hears her and turns and they stare at each other and it's like a switch because Cat just starts crying and falls to her knees.
"You." Jade's voice is hard, menacing, but her expression is soft and Cat is grateful that the girl still remembers how to be soft and to not be bitter.
But after a while Jade continues to walk on, but Cat shouts to her to stay, stay, stay. She tosses cigarettes at her and packages of pills that she pulls out of her pocket. She even tosses the Listerine tape she carries around, screaming, hollering at Jade to just take it all in exchange to stay the night. And it's a hysterical breakdown because she's sobbing and falling all over the ground, her brittle red hair soaking up the tears that flow down her face and everything about her is just an ugly mess from her makeup to her outfit to her soul and it's all to much for her and she just passes out.
.
She wakes up in some house that's cold and grave and dreary. She didn't know there could be another house as sad as hers. She assumes it must be Jade's house, not because she remembers all the events of the other night but because Jade is the only person she knows besides her boss.
"Jade?" she calls, except she begins to choke and splutter after saying that because her throat is so hoarse and dry and oh god she really needs some water. She stumbles out of bed and crashes through the door, calling Jadejadejade deliriously because yes, she's thirsty, and yes she doesn't know what's happening, but mostly because she just needs to know that someone is there because she missed the company of other humans and not the beastly demons that haunt her in the night.
"What," comes the response and it's not welcoming and it's certainly not very kind but Cat follows the sound of that voice because that's all she has left and when she finds the emitter she just falls into them, arms wrapped tight around them.
Of course she's shoved off, but she's just so happy someone else is here.
"Thank you."
She just receives a glare in return.
.
Life with Jade is much different than life with her brother. Jade is gone most the night and half the day and whenever she returns she doesn't want to be touched or spoken to. This always prompts questions from Cat as the girl always returns with haphazardly messy hair and ripped clothing and definitely some blood on her clothing. But Cat never asks, just remains in the house.
She's not allowed to leave either. She has no idea where she is, so she can't get to her job, and Jade refuses to talk about anything location wise and Cat can't tell if it's because she doesn't want Cat to go back to that work or because she's just a bitch, but either way Cat just remains silent, accepting anything that comes her way, and doing small favors in return like cleaning Jade's laundry and mending the shred clothing with a sewing kit she found in the bathroom.
She would clean the house as well, but when Jade comes back from wherever she has gone, she lights up a cigarette and begins this manic cleaning frenzy that usually leaves her hands scarred and bleeding.
But Cat never interferes. Just sits on her couch and the two don't share much conversation, just a few words here and there about drugs or alcohol or whatever. But Cat's happy with that because for once she isn't getting beaten.
One day, however, she spoke up when Jade came home in a particularly bad state, limping and bleeding from multiple spots and a swollen eye that would be hard to cover up with makeup.
"Why Jade?"
Jade sends a sharp glare her way. "I told you not to fucking ask ab-"
"No, you know what I mean." And the way Cat says it is so innocently and so gently, Jade just stares at her for a moment.
"I was forced to." And that's all she says and she heads up those damned stairs to her room where she will hide till she has to go out again. So Cat stays awake for a while till the girl comes downstairs and when she spots the black eye adorning the girl's porcelain skin, she grabs the makeup she keeps in her purse and approaches Jade.
Jade lets her paint her eye and mask the pain that hides inside.
.
The two girls become closer and soon Jade begins to open up slightly and Cat finds that she's in an abusive relationship and that the only reason she can afford the upkeep of the house they live in is because her parents passed away and left her all the money. And with all these secrets circulating between the two of them, Cat begins to fall, fall, fall.
Fall in love that is.
It's time when Jade is smoking and washing the stone floor of the kitchen with just a sponge and soap that makes Cat particularly like her.
"Why do you clean like that?" Cat asks and Jade takes a moment to respond, just like always.
"Because then at least something is clean." And it makes all the sense in the world.
"Then let me help."
"No."
"But why?" she complains.
"Because you're a fucking screw up."
And she's right.
"Then let me go back to my job if I'm a screw up. There's no better place for me anyway and at least I'll be making some money to help out."
"No"
"Why not?" Cat exclaims frustrated, grinding her teeth together in a childlike manner.
"Because you're a fucking screw up there too."
And it takes a moment, but then they both start laughing because it's just so fucking funny and they haven't fucking laughed in so fucking long. And really it's a beautiful thing because Jade is always so quiet and so serious and this sarcasm just fits her so well and it just makes Cat love her all the more. And in a very cute-ish, girly way, Cat leans over and kisses the top of Jade's head and then scurries off, expecting a scathing look but missing the small smile that tugs at the corners of Jade's lips.
Sometimes Cat feels like nothing bad has happened to her at all and that she has just lived with Jade like this forever (but then she looks in the mirror).
.
More moments between the two continue to happen and soon before they know it they're sharing cigarettes, sharing touches, sharing kisses, and just sharing the world. Secrets are passed between them and Jade prevents Cat from going into complete depression and Cat cleans Jade up when she comes home, because sins still plague them both and Jade still cries when no one is looking and Cat still has nightmares.
And it's during one of those horrific events that something good comes of it.
.
"Jade!" Cat screeches, bolting up in bed, flashes of blood, of sweat, of fists running through her eyes. "Jadejadejadejadeja…" and she mumbles off into incoherency, tears streaming down her face, expression plastered in terror, hands grasping her legs to her chest, nails digging into skin.
Jade comes running. "Cat?" she calls, frightened, and climbs onto the bed beside Cat. She grabs her tight and Cat immediately begins to panic because oh god she can't escape they've got her again and she's trapped, she's fucking trapped oh my god oh my god oh my-
"Cat, you're hurting me," comes a voice softly in her ear and she realizes she's safe and she lets go of her death grip on Jade.
"Jade, I'm so- I'm so sorry!"
"It's okay," Jade answers quietly and Cat looks down to see the other girl's arms bleeding out, staining the bed, ruining the sheets. Then she leans back into Jade with a sigh, her breath still coming quickly.
"I-I…I can't- I-"
"It's okay."
And that shuts her up because Jade isn't soft but here she is being gentle and Cat isn't used to that at all. So they sit there in silence until Cat feels a small drop of water hit her head. Once, twice, three times.
"Jade?"
There's no answer, just the splash, splash, splash of water.
"You don't have to go back to him."
Splash, splash, splash.
"I do."
"Why? Why would you go back?"
"Because." And it's slightly defensive but her guard is still down because she's crying and she's shaken up and she breaks sometimes too.
"Is it because he loves you?"
"Yeah."
"He doesn't."
Yeah.
It's never spoken, just hangs on Jade's lips, but Cat can tell. She can just tell.
"I love you more."
Jade just hugs Cat tighter.
.
After that night, Jade's bruising began to get worse and Cat's nightmares increased, only this time they were about Jade getting hurt. Jade said Beck knew something about them. How, Cat couldn't guess. But because of that, Jade began to close herself off more. She didn't talk as much, didn't return kisses and mostly sat around in bed whenever she had the time too.
She didn't eat.
Didn't drink.
Just silently died.
Until,
"He's coming here tonight."
"Here?"
"Yeah. Hide yourself."
"Okay," she lied.
.
When he came, he came in a whirlwind of destruction. He tossed Jade against the wall, demanded to see where "that prostitute" was. Beat Jade. Then Cat could take it no longer. She jumped out from where she had been cowering and it was like a switch and the room became silent and Beck paused in his punching and Jade fell to the floor, nearly unconscious.
"Stop it!" she screamed at him. "Get out of here!"
And of course he's calm, cool, and collected and he just smiles lopsidedly like he knows she's just a weak little girl who can't do shit.
"I think you should get out of here."
Beck advances on her manically. "I know what's going on between you two and you better knock it the fuck off. Jade is mine. We're dating. She loves me and I love her." And somewhere in his twisted brain Cat knows he really thinks that and what's happening isn't bad at all. But no, she doesn't back off and when he gets to close she grabs the bleach from the cleaning supplies on the floor and dumps it all over his head and he begins screaming, the caustic cleaner melting his skin and eyes and just burning him like he knows he will burn in hell. So he runs out, dialing 911 because that's his only savior now if he wants to live, except he's not entirely sure he does and he falls to his knees near the door, still screaming.
This rouses Jade from her place on the floor and when she sees the commotion that had just happened, she begins screaming and crying hysterically and she tries to get up to run to Beck, but her leg is broken so she can't stand, she just falls over, screeching in pain and screeching for him and screeching because this wasn't supposed to have happened at all and everything just fucking hurts and she doesn't know what to fucking do. "I'm so fucking sorry Beck, I'm so fucking sorry! Beck!" she wails and Cat sprints towards her.
"It's going to be okay Jade, it's going to be-"
And then Jade turns on her.
"You! This is all your fucking fault! Get the fuck out of here and never ever come the fuck back!"
"But Jade I-"
"Get the fuck out!" And then Jade punches her in the face and Cat finally gets she's serious so she just runs. Just runs out of that sin infested house.
.
It's been a few weeks since she's last seen Jade, so she walks along the street, looking for her. But she never comes. Not in a year, not in two years, probably not ever. So when she ends up puking again after being over stimulated and before fucking whoever paid her, she takes out a box of Listerine tape, shoves 10 in her mouth, and fucks the guy and she feels nothing at all.
Nothing but emptiness because Rule 1 was not to care.