Okay, so, I have like four different one-shots I wanna post but this crap keep coming out.
I suddenly feel like Kishimoto, SO FULL OF CRAP.
BECAUSE HE IS, DAMNIT, HE IS! RAWR.
Ahem, without further ado. Useless crap.

Superheroes

By,
Ever. Be. The. Dramatical

He was late. Again. For the nth time since forever and a day and all the days yet to come – the point is that he was late, again, and it was getting old. Fast. Normally, it wouldn't matter if they were late or not because they had always showed up at least thirty minutes before he arrived. Until he caught on that they didn't arrive when he wanted them to. And somehow, he had always found out when they showed up late.

Stupid, lazy-ass bastard.

Oh, wait, that was Shikamaru.

"He's late!"

Sakura rolled her eyes and fiddled with her bracelet. "We know, Naruto."

"Hn."

Both blonde and pinkette looked strangely at their teammate. Back in their genin days, Sasuke would ignore them and wait until Kakashi-sensei had arrived; but now, now, he actually grunted in agreement? He can't do that! He can't ruin the morning routine just because he came back on his own freewill and now he decided that he'd be more social and happy and –

"Stop it!"

"What?" He asked incredulously.

"Aha!" She pointed, leaping onto the bridge railing. "He did it again!"

This time, Naruto decided to act like he knew what was going on. "Did what, Sakura-chan?" Or not.

"That!" She pointed to no one in particular.

Naruto scratched the back of his head in confusion. He was in quite the dilemma; pretend to know what she means or risk certain death by calling her stupid? Decisions, decisions… "Huh?" He finally said. "I don't get it." He admitted sheepishly, unconsciously guarding his head from random blows. None came, thankfully.

Sakura narrowed her eyes. "Wait for it… wait for it… wait for-"

"Sakura, what are you doing?"

"THERE!" She pointed again, still perfectly perched on her… perch. "RIGHT THERE!"

"The… teme?" The blonde said uneasily.

The pinkette nodded happily. "Yes!"

"Sakura, the dobe isn't-"

This time, instead of pointing at nothing, Sakura shrieked and dramatically leapt into Naruto's arms. "He did it again!"

"Did what?" Sasuke asked, getting annoyed by her antics.

"Tried to make a conversation with me…" She trailed off, hissing here and there before wiping out a kunai and pursuing Sasuke. "WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE REAL SASUKE?!"

Sasuke twitched, "Sakura, it's me-"

"ARE YOU THE SNAKE-MAN?!"

"THE SNAKE-MAN?!

"SNAKE-MAN!"

"The muffin man?"

"AH!" Sakura and Naruto screeched, "HE DID IT AGAIN!" They yelled unison.

"Did what again?" A new and cheerful voice asked.

"AH! KAKASHI-SENSEI!" They yelped.

Sasuke rubbed his temples. "Would you guys please stop doing that-"

"SNAKE-MAN!"

Kakashi immediately flung his arm into the air. "Where?!" He asked like a senile old man, looking every which way.

"SASUKE'S BEEN TAKEN OVER BY THE SNAKE-MAN! HE'S TALKING TOO MUCH!"

"He's acting out of character…" She hissed.

"Gasp! That's just terrible, Sasuke acting like he's a part of society and are you two CRAZY?!"

Both shinobi shrunk back. "Yes?" They squeaked.

"That's it, five hundred-"

"OH NO! KAKASHI-SENSEI HAS BEEN REPLACED BY GAI!"

"Sakura, you can't honestly believe that's going to work a second-"

"AH! WHERE?!"

"GAI?! WHAT?!"

The Uchiha glowered at his pink-haired teammate. She may have looked stupid from this point but she was an evil genius, an evil genius bent on destroying the world. "Idiots."

"I got it! He wasn't replaced by the snake-man-"

"SNAKE-MAN, WHERE?!"

"SHUT UP, DOBE!"

Sakura blinked. "Ohmigosh, he's so Batman!"

Kakashi raised an eyebrow at this. "Batman?"

"Yeah!" She yelled in glee. "He's like Bruce Wayne!"

The copy-nin brought a hand to the bridge of his nose, and pinched. "Oh my god."

Naruto, on the other hand, had taken a different approach: completely agreeing with Sakura and totally taking part in this debate of Sasuke's alter ego. "Are you sure?" He asked, scratching his head, "I see him more as Superman or Spiderman."

"Psh, no."

"The Flash?"

Sakura snorted, "That's Naruto."

"Hey! What's that supposed to mean?"

Kakashi and Sakura exchanged looked before nodding at each other. "Definitely the flash," Sakura concluded before grinning evilly at Kakashi-sensei. "Now what are you, Kakashi-sensei?"

"That… Hawk… Guy?"

"Hm… He is pretty slow-"

"Who wants to run forty-five laps around Konoha?" Their teacher asked in a sing-song voice. "Sakura does!" He sung. "I am fast; I'm just late. There is a difference, Sakura."

"Fine, Superman it is."

"What!" Naruto whined, "I get some guy whose fast-"

"His name is The Flash and he happens to be HOT."

"-and Kakashi-sensei gets Superman?"

Their only female member rolled her eyes and huffed, favoring one side of her hip than the other. "Anyways, now onto the topic of who I should be…"

"Aqua-girl?" Naruto suggested.

Sakura scoffed, "Lame."

"Cat Woman?" Kakashi asked.

"Hot."

"Indeed," Kakashi agreed.

"No, her story is too sad." Sasuke rolled his eyes but said nothing.

"Hawk Girl?"

Kakashi pretended to consider it, "Maybe… she is pretty slow in the achievement department – ow! I was just kidding, my beloved Sakura-chan!"

"Invisible Woman?" Sakura suggested.

"Nah," Naruto shook his head. "Too nice." This earned a bonk on the head.

"Poison Ivy?"

They all shivered at that thought. Sakura was very good at making poisons and completely deadly when she wanted to be. "No," Sakura shook her head, "Harley Quinn is her side-kick and is way too annoying."

Kakashi grinned underneath his mask. "Perfect! You can be Poison Ivy and Ino can be Harley Quinn!"

Sakura chuckled at that. "You guys are terrible. And no, I don't want a side-kick. I'd be copying Sasuke-kun."

"Hn."

"Anyways, who should I be?"

"Supergirl?" Naruto asked.

This got an eyebrow waggle from Kakashi, a glare from Sasuke and a twitch from Sakura. "No." Sakura said, "Kakashi can't grope me if we're related." She paused, holding her chin. "On second thought…"

"Nope!" Kakashi shouted, "Too late! Next!"

"Batgirl?" Sasuke suddenly suggested.

Everyone exchanged looks. "Hmm…"

"Sure."

"I like it."

"Especially with those tight-"

"Dobe."

"Now," Sakura began, completely oblivious to the staring contest going on a few feet from her. "Onto more important matters. What should our name be?"

"I think," Kakashi began, putting a hand on Sasuke's shoulder, his other one on Sakura's shoulder and subtly pushing them closer. "That you should be working on those bat-babies instead." Sakura blushed and Sasuke glared.

"Maybe." She smiled smally. "In a few – SASUKE-KUN! PUT ME DOWN!" She squealed.

Sasuke smirked. "Minutes?" He said, shifting her over his shoulder, so he was more comfortable. "Okay."

"I was going to say YEARS!" She flailed.

"Hn. Too long."

"What the – hey! Don't just stand there, Kakashi-sensei!"

Much to her chagrin, her sensei completely ignored her. "I've been trying to get you two together for weeks. Enjoy the last few seconds of your virginity."

"WHAT?! I AM NOT A-" She paused, already seeing their murderous faces. "- Uh, okay fine, you can have me."

Score! Sasuke smirked.

The Morning After…

"SASUKE-KUN!"

"What?"

"WHY IS THERE A RING ON MY FINGER?!"

"Hn."

"DON'T YOU GRUNT AT ME, MISTER! I WANT AN EXPLA – MPPH!"

Sakura squeaked.

"HEY! DON'T BITE-"

Moan.

And then… Silence.

Nah, there were more moans.