L and I had been growing closer...I think. He wouldn't call me an idiot as much, if that counted for anything. To me, though, that meant everything. No, beyond everything! The man that I looked up to was finally tolerating me—maybe even enjoying me—and... Then what? I didn't know then, and I still don't. But it's so hard to think that he's gone when he'd always been...here. In Japan. In the Kira Taskforce. With me. I'd never dreamed of him until after his...death. I guess I never had to, since he was so very there. The dreams always started innocently enough. They always snowballed for the worst, though.
"Matsuda, have you taken your depression pills today?" asks Yagami-san. He's the only one who cares about me it seems! "N-no...but I'll go home right away and take them!" I hang my head in shame momentarily, then spring up as I plaster a fake smile on my face. Looking worried, he nods and just like that, I'm excused from work. This is how most of my dreams begin, reminding me to take them when I wake up.
The road to my house is completely empty, no people anywhere. I hum a little, before my shoulders start to sag and my footsteps become heavier. Getting scared, I try and dash faster to my apartment, but end up frozen right in front of it. Then—from I don't know where—a man with black hair and a white t-shirt casually walks inside, the door opening magically for him. No matter how hard I try, I can't convince myself that that isn't Ryuuzaki...I mean, L.
And then the weight flies off my feet, finally letting me run to see him, to make sure that it IS him. Suddenly, without warning, I'm in front of the door to my room. I open it normally, as anyone would open a door, and stand stock still. Someone is in my bed. My bed. My bed. My bed. The covers are all bunched up around the figure, leaving no body part uncovered. I feel so scared as this part happens, and the hairs on my neck stand on edge...
The covers fly off, revealing dark hair and...my work clothes? Silently, stiffly, I slink over to the side, trying to look at the person's face. Slowly, the face rises up to meet mine, locking eyes. My shriek of terror echoes as the—MY—face smiles back at me. "This is Light!" a voice in my head screams, and my knees give out as the "Light" starts to extend his hand towards me, smile morphing into something truly EVIL. I find the strength to make a mad dash toward my living room, but instead of a couch, Ryuuzaki is sitting at the computer desk that makes up the entire room. My heat thumps so fast at the thought of seeing L again, alive, that I don't even stop to think about what's happening. As usual, I'm Matsuda Touta the idiot.
"Ryuu-!" I can't even think. He's here! He's alive! But he turns his face away from the monitor, and his eyes aren't his. They're red and narrow, glaring at me so hard that the words I'd been about to say died on my tongue. Somehow, I know that Light's taken him over, too. I try so very hard to understand these dreams...the only thing that makes sense to me is that Light has "taken over" L's position as a Detective, but...something is still wrong...so horribly wrong...what could it be?
This "L" stares at me like I'm a pawn ready to be played, or a puppet being led along by a string. His cold, calculating gaze makes me shiver. NOTHING prepares me for what happens next. "Matsuda" tackles me from behind, pinning me down to the ground, "L" following suit and leaping off his chair and onto me. Cold chains and hot cloth digs into my skin, and I'm left restrained. "L's" hand creeps over to my face, nuzzling it with his long fingers—they're deathly cold—until it plunges down and grabs a firm hold of my neck. It makes me feel sick, but when I wake up, I can still feel the icy touch all over my face and neck...
The other me is gone, leaving me alone with the other L and gasping for breath. They tighten. Again. Again. And by now my head feels so dizzy that I think I can hear Misa and another manly voice laughing at me in the background. Then, suddenly, his face softens. A smile blooms on his face, and I would have been honored to see it, had I not been dying, and had the smile not been a twisted version of Light's. With one last wheeze, everything whitens and the last thing I feel is a pair of warm arms enveloping me...then I wake up screaming "Kira!" at the top of my lungs.
It's times like those when I want Ryuuzaki to be alive again. Because he would have just dismissed them by saying, "Dreams are irrational and should not be payed attention to," or something like, "Matsuda...2.5%." It's times like those that give me the heartache that I take depression pills for. Sometimes, I wonder if someone, somewhere, is trying to tell me something with these dreams. And then I wonder if it's L.
"Good morning, Light-kun!" I greet him, smiling as usual. He barely nods towards me, muttering an "I'm kinda busy, Matsuda," and then sighing. Slowly, he turns his head from the monitor, and his eyes aren't his. And then I think that maybe Light is Kira, after all.
+This is an angsty thing I wrote while listening to "Losing Grip" by Avril Lavigne. Take it however you please, but I could really use the concrit :) I hope nobody is OOC (although they are on purpose in the dream sequence). Can anybody guess what the dream means, and who "sent" it to him? See if you can get it!