Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts
A/N: Loose continuation of Time To Pretend.
-x-
Say You'll Go
-x-
I inhaled deeply as the loud flushing sound of the toilet whirred throughout the room and took with it all signs of my anxiety.
I rested my back against the door to the stall for a moment before unlocking it and letting myself out. My throat felt raw and my hands were shaking, but my stomach felt better and I had calmed down somewhat. I looked at myself in the mirror before leaning down toward the faucet to splash some water on my face. When I looked decent, I fixed myself, inhaled and exhaled again and let myself out of the bathroom.
Axel glanced my way when I slid open the door to her room and then looked back down at her book. I crawled back onto her bed and pulled my Japanese textbook into my lap and started to work on my homework again.
"Roxas."
"Yes?"
"What … did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?"
I looked up from my Japanese homework and squinted hard at Axel, "…What?"
"See you next month." She replied mirthfully, as she turned a page in a book she had to read for her cultural anthropology class, "Gross, hm?"
"That's disgusting." I turned my attention back to my homework, "Now, no more interruptions. I've got three more pages to go and then I have some stuff I need you to quiz me on."
"You know I don't understand how to pronounce half of that stuff, right?" She asked, pushing her foot against the desk so that her chair titled off the ground, "What happened to Sora? Don't you usually study with her?"
"Out with Riku." I murmured, flipping my pencil to erase a kanji I had messed up on.
"Of course." Axel answered, "This is so lame. Who the hell does homework on a Friday night? We should be out with the boys right now."
"…Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you say you have an exam on Monday that you have to study for? After your disastrous grades from last semester, I think you should be more focused on studying than partying, Axel."
She sighed heavily and flipped through a couple of pages in her book, "All right, all right. I had one D."
"It was a five credit class, Axel. Those things hold a greater weight on your GPA than a regular three credit class."
"I still have above a 3.0, I'll have you know." She countered, "And it was a D+ at that. Like, the bastard couldn't even be assed to give me a fucking C- in the very least. Who the hell does that?"
"Well, you were the one that went into their final for the class saying that you didn't give a fuck and completely messed it up." I flipped the next page of my textbook and scrutinized my sheet of loose-leaf. Sighing, I dropped my pencil down on my paper and rolled over on Axel's bed and covered my face in my hands, "I can't bear to look at this stuff anymore."
"Japanese got your head all crazy?"
"Yeah. Taking a break." I closed my eyes, "How's your work going?"
"Weren't you just telling me a few minutes ago to stop interrupting you because you were trying to work?"
"You started it."
"Hmmm, yeah. You're right. I did." She flipped another page and I heard the distinctive thudding of a pen hitting her desk, "Not that great."
I picked my head up and looked in Axel's direction, "What are you doing?"
"Fucking around."
"Are you even trying to read the book?"
"Nope." She replied, "And I definitely don't need to. My professor for this class basically gives you the exam before you take it. Tells you the question, let's you bring notes to the exam and whatever. I'm just highlighting bits of information at the moment and writing them down to compile the biggest bullshit essay ever."
"You would."
"You would, too. Don't lie, Rox." She snickered, "As much work as you have to do every semester, I'm pretty sure a class like this would be a God send. One last thing for you to worry your pretty little head about, right?"
"Whatever." I opened my eyes and tried to focus on my Japanese textbook. I was feeling fatigued. Stifling an impending yawn and rubbing at my eyes, I shifted slightly to look in Axel's direction, "I'm going to take a nap." I reached for my phone which was resting at the foot of the bed and checked the time. It was almost seven, I'd set an alarm for eight. I rose slightly, slipping my half finished homework into textbook and closing it. "Can you make sure I get up if I sleep through my alarm?"
"Mmhm." Axel replied, waving at me to go on ahead to sleep and started flipping through her book again.
I set my phone by my head, and curled up on the bed, finding myself going under in a manner of minutes.
-x-
I groaned into the soft sheets of Axel's bed when I heard the sound of my alarm beeping into my ear and waking me up from sleep. It was warmer than I remembered as I woke up. I realized soon enough that I was covered in Axel's duvet.
The overhead light was off and the only light in the room came from Axel's desk lamp. Turning over onto my stomach, I noticed that she was currently absorbed in the same book that she had been flipping through when I had fallen asleep. Sometimes she would pause to write something down on the sheet in front of her and then went back to flipping through the book.
"Axel?"
She had on her headphones. Well, this was going to be futile. There was some loud, bass heavy song blaring from the ear buds and it was impossible for her to hear me. I sighed, getting down off the bed and pulled one of the buds from her ear. She immediately turned around and flashed me her infamous grins.
"Well, hello sleepy head. Have a nice nappy?"
"You put the duvet on?"
"You were shivering." She replied as she paused the music and took the other headphone out of her ear.
"Sicko. You were watching me while I slept?"
"Noooo." Axel replied, "Because I'm such a good friend, I didn't think you'd appreciate sleeping with a face full of light in your face so I went to turn it off. It's kind of chilly in here seeing as the stupid heat is being stupid right now and I figured I'd cover you up before you turned into a Roxypop."
"How considerate." I looked down at her paper, "How far did you get?"
"I'm almost done." She nodded toward my Japanese textbook, "How far did you get?"
"Nowhere near done." I replied, sighing.
"Your professor doesn't play, does she?"
"No." I replied, stifling a yawn, "She wants us to eat, breathe and sleep her class."
"Can't learn a language without effort." Axel replied. She closed her book and set it down on the desk. She rose to her feet and stretched her arms over her head as she arched her back, "You hungry?"
"Not really." I replied, "You?"
"Yeah. I could go for a big, fat, heart clogging burger, some greasy fries and a big ole chemically sweetened soda to wash it all down." She grinned, resting her arms over her head, "You down?"
I frowned at her, "Why do you always do this?"
"Do what?" She asked innocently, "I think you'd benefit greatly from it. Maybe we could get you to grow a few inches. Add some meat on those bones, too."
"You're one to talk about adding meat to their bones." I began as she made her way over to her closet and began rummaging around in there for our coats, "I'm perfectly fine for my height. You on the other hand are the freak of nature."
"Hey, hey, hey. They're plenty of girls my height. Fang's just as tall as I am and she doesn't get called a freak." She tossed our coats down onto the bed and then held onto the front of her bed for balance as she stuck her feet into her combat boots.
"Fang's another story all together. She's clinically insane." I replied at the thought of Axel's eccentric suitemate.
"Aren't I?" Axel asked hopefully as she slung her ridiculous, bright green and fuzzy scarf around her neck.
"No, you're … special." I replied, reaching for my own boots and slid my feet into them, "The type of special that people like to stay away from."
"Oh, that's not true. People love me."
"Yeah. Love to stay away from you." I reached for my coat. "Are you ready?"
Axel was just done zipping up her coat just as I had finished buttoning my own, "Ready as I'll ever be, Princess!"
As I stepped out of Axel's room, I noticed Fang was out in the longue area with some red haired girl—Vanille, most likely. The two of them were completely absorbed in whatever they were watching on the television. Fang gestured wildly in the direction of the TV and turned to Vanille.
"Did you bloody see that? You can see the mic hanging down into the shot! Vanille, this is terrible! What type of low budget piece of shit is this?"
Vanille leaned forward and picked something up off the coffee table in front of them, "Serah said that Snow said—"
"You listened to that meathead's advice on what type of movie to rent? Vanille, you should know better."
"Serah said that Snow said it was good." She leaned forward to set whatever she had picked up back down and turned to look at Fang, "Serah usually doesn't steer me wrong on most things."
"Well she did on this one." Fang scoffed, getting to her feet with an empty plastic bowl. She raised her eyebrows and smiled when she saw me, "Roxas! How long have you been standing there like you've lost your brains, huh?" She turned her attention to Axel, "Where are the two of you off to?"
Axel turned around after closing the door to her room, "Cafeteria to get some heart clogging food!" She stated proudly with her hands on her hips. She glanced down at me, "Well, I'm getting heart clogging food. Roxas here is just my tagalong at the moment."
"Oi, are you coming back with the food?" She glanced down at Vanille who waved to the two of us, "This one was going on and on about how she wants one of those frothy … sugary things. What the hell are they called again?"
"A frappuccino." Vanille clarified for her.
"…In the middle of the winter?" Axel asked.
"S'what I said." Fang said, crossing her arms over her chest and glancing at Vanille.
"They're good!" Vanille said, resting her arms on the back of the sofa, "And its okay, Axel. I'll live if I don't have one now."
"Let's put it this way, she's addicted to them."
"Am not."
"Every mornin' she comes into Setzer's class with them. It's ridiculous." Fang waved to us and nodded to the door, "At any rate, don't wanna keep the two of you. Go on and get. We all know how you get without food in your system."
"How I get?" Axel asked, pushing me along as she talked to Fang. She groaned as her stomach protested in hunger and frowned. We were halfway out the door when Axel turned around and pointed at Fang, "We'll continue this conversation later, Yun. I'm starving."
-x-
I was on my third cup of green tea when I felt sick again.
I was currently hunched over the toilet, hands on my knees and my stomach in knots once again. I gripped at my abdomen as my stomach lurched violently and I spewed all the tea I had just drank right back up. I was beyond frustrated with myself right about now. As a perfectionist to some degree, I have a habit of pushing myself beyond my limits and taking myself to a place that isn't healthy for anyone to be at. Such as where I'm at now.
So much was riding on this semester and I was so afraid of screwing up everything I had worked so hard for. I was drowning myself in work and it was only near the end of February. If I was acting like this at the beginning of the semester, where in the world was I going to be at the end of it?
The tea was supposed to help me calm down. It wouldn't do to have any food in my system at the moment because I knew I would bring it right back up. My stomach lurched again and I dry heaved to the point where there were tears brimming in the corners of my eyes.
Ever since I was a sixteen, I'd been experiencing this. My mother—being a doctor and all—figured it was nothing physical, but mental. She took me to a psychiatrist some years ago and they diagnosed me with some type of anxiety disorder and prescribed me with meds, but I never take them. I don't believe in popping pills, and I've been managing just fine without them. But, sometimes something like this happens and I have to just ride it out until it's over.
When nothing else was coming up and my nerves seemed to have settled again I hit the lever to flush and let myself out of the bathroom. I cleaned up a bit and then made my way back to Axel's room.
I shut the door behind me and walked the distance back to Axel's bed. Axel had finished whatever outlining she had to do for her class and had currently fallen into a food induced coma opposite me on her bed. Her otherwise flat stomach was poking up against her t-shirt with the steady rise and fall of her chest. Glutton.
I've never told Axel about any of this and I intend to keep it that way. Just like other things, she doesn't have to know. I don't want her to worry. On top of all of this, Axel doesn't really understand the stress I put myself under. Well, she knows how strict—(disciplined)—I can be with myself. And she's always telling me to relax, but that's just not a luxury that I have at the moment.
I glanced at the clock and saw that it was nearing eleven. I'd probably stay the night with Axel seeing as Sora and Riku were probably back in our room doing God only knows what. I sighed, pulling my textbook toward me as I stood before Axel's bed. Maybe I could just do this in the morning when I wasn't feeling so sick.
I sighed loudly, feeling my hands starting to shake as I gripped the textbook. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, fighting off the nausea that was starting to build again.
"You okay?"
I opened my eyes, startled by Axel's sleep laden voice and turned to look in her direction. Hazy green eyes were focused on me as she struggled to sit up in bed. She glanced down at the vice like grip I had my Japanese text and raised a curious eyebrow.
"I'm fine."
Axel rubbed at her eyes and yawned, "You sure? You look drained." She leaned forward, arm outstretched with her hand reaching for my forehead. "You look a little pale … and feel clammy."
"I'm fine." I repeated, pulling away from her and walking over to her desk so I could set my textbook down. "I'm staying over. Riku and Sora are probably back by now and we all know what they're doing right now."
"Oh, yes we do."
"…Let's just … let's just go to sleep, Ax."
"Ah," Axel got to her feet after making an exaggerated noise and grabbing at her stomach, "Good call. I need to get out of these jeans before my stomach explodes."
"Should be a lesson to you to eat the proper thing next time." I muttered.
"Psh, whatever, Rox." She walked over to her wardrobe, cradling her stomach as if she were pregnant.
A few minutes later after changing out of my clothes, brushing my teeth and washing my face, I was back in Axel's room ready to just go to sleep and forget my stressors at the moment. Axel had turned out the lights and left the light on her desk on. She turned around when she heard me closing the door behind her.
She turned to look at me, "Are you sure you don't want to eat something before we go to sleep? We've got some grapes in the fridge …"
I shook my head and with whatever energy I could muster, I hoisted myself up onto the bed. I parted the sheets and shifted all the way over to where the wall was and settled in.
"Roxas?"
"…M'fine." I mumbled as I pulled the sheets up over my head and shut my eyes.
I heard Axel turn off the light on her desk and then walk over to the bed. She slid in but didn't lie down just yet. "We'll sleep in tomorrow." She began. I heard the sound of her phone vibrating and then turning off and she moved forward to set it down on the dresser at the foot of her bed. "I don't have to work tomorrow, so we can be as lazy as we want."
"Hm."
"Is something wrong?"
"No." I replied, curling into the duvet.
"Sounds like there is." Axel was now underneath the duvet with me as she threw it up over her head, "Come on, out with it, Princess. What's wrong?"
"For the last time, nothing's wrong. I'm just tired, okay?"
She shifted so that she was lying on her back, "Sure, that's what you always say." I could hear a tinge of bitterness in her voice, "You know, for one day, I'd like to get inside your head and see what goes on inside there. Maybe then I could try and understand this enigmatic being that I call my best friend."
"Enigmatic?" I probed tiredly.
Axel shifted to look at me, "Yeah. You heard me."
"Enigmatic." I repeated the word as I shook my head. I covered my mouth to stifle a yawn and sighed, "Nothing enigmatic about me."
"You're joking, right?"
"No."
Axel rose up slightly so that she was balanced on her forearms, "I don't even know where to begin on this one." She pulled the duvet off of her and exposed me to the slight chill of the room, "Roxas, do you know how hard it is to get close to you? You keep everyone and everything at arm's length. Even me sometimes. You go inside your head and you stay there because you don't … you don't …hmm …"
Not now.
"…I don't want to say that you don't trust people because I know you trust me to some degree … but you don't—"
"I don't trust people to do for me what I can do for myself." I replied, lifting my face slightly from the pillow. I hesitated for a minute before I turned to look at Axel, "Is there anything wrong with that?"
"You never give anyone a chance for long enough to see what they could do for you, you know?" Axel began, crossing her arms over her chest. She shook her head, "You can't do everything alone."
"…Today will become yesterday and then I will wait for tomorrow. Just waiting for the same thing to be brought to me as it does every day." I lowered my eyes, "It doesn't matter that someone can help me or that I can let someone in, Axel. I don't have time to waste on ifs, maybes or buts. Nothing ever changes … or if it does, something always happens to bring it right back to where it was originally."
"So what about me?"
"What about you?" I asked.
"You said it doesn't matter if you let someone in. Does that include me?"
"Axel, how can you even ask me that?" I frowned, "You're trying to make something out of nothing right now."
"No, I'm trying to get you to talk. Something you never do and need to." She bit the bottom of her lip, "I don't … this isn't a fight. I'm just concerned. I've rarely seen you since we came back from break and every time I do, it's never for long. You're always tied up in school work and you seem stressed. I know this is our last semester here and I know how you get with school, but … we haven't been back on campus for more than a month yet and you're already going into your infamous flight or fight mode."
I turned away from her and looked at the wall again, "I told you before, everything is fine."
"If it were fine, you'd be able to look me in the eye right now and tell me that."
I turned around to look up at her and rose up slightly, "Everything is fine. Okay? Now can we please get to sleep?"
She shrugged dismissively and I interpreted that as a lazy affirmative. Right when I settled back into bed, Axel started up. "Sora came to the library to talk to me the other day. Says you haven't been acting like yourself lately. You haven't been sleeping … haven't been eating much either." She paused for a minute to gather her thoughts, "I would have dismissed it as you just being a busy body like you always were, but then she tells me that you've been … getting sick, Rox?"
I felt my heart drop immediately and cleared my throat. Well, the first thing I could have done was deny it. I shook my head, "Sick how?"
"Throwing up." Axel answered, though her intonation indicated it was more of a question if anything.
"Really?" I asked, "And you'd take Sora's word for mine?"
"I don't know seeing as you never talk to me about what's on your mind ninety nine percent of the time." She shook her head, "Well, are you?"
"No." I answered.
"I can hear the lie in your voice, Roxas." She sighed.
I fisted my hands into the duvet before springing up and whirling around to face Axel, "Can you just stop? Okay? Just stop. Stop with the concern, stop with the questions. Just stop all of this right now." I threw the duvet back, scrambled off the bed and stumbled to the floor. I turned around to look at Axel who was watching me with a calm expression, albeit her eyebrows were raised in curiosity. "I just … stop. Okay? Just stop asking me what's wrong. Stop showing me all … this … whatever this is. Just stop. I don't want to talk, okay? I don't need to talk. I'm fine. I'm fine."
"If you were fine, you wouldn't be screaming at me like this." Axel replied, uncrossing her legs and swiveling around on her bed so that her legs were dangling off the edge, "Why are you making yourself sick, Rox? You're not … you know?"
"No, I don't have a fucking eating disorder." I gestured wildly at Axel before turning around and fisting my hands into my hair, "God, Axel. I'm not fucking stupid."
"Then what else could it be?" Axel asked, "Normal people don't—"
"When the hell have I ever been normal?" I crossed my arms over my chest and still refused to turn around and look at her.
"Well …" Axel began, laughing a bit sardonically, "Let's not get sidetracked here. Are you sick?"
"No."
"Then why are you doing this?"
"You think I'd be so stupid that I'd intentionally …" I sighed heavily, shaking my head.
It's not Axel's job to be worried about me or concerned to the point like she is now. Granted, yes, she is my best friend. But, I can handle myself. I'm fine with handling things on my own like I'm supposed to. I've been doing it my whole life, why should I stop now.
"…It's something that happens." I began, still unable to turn around and look at her. "I get stressed to the point where it makes me physically sick."
"Rox."
"I've been dealing with it since we were in high school."
"And you never thought you could tell me?"
"It isn't your place to worry about me, Axel." I walked over to her desk and leaned against it,
"I've already said this before. I'm fine doing things by myself."
"Roxas, that's bullshit." Axel sighed, "Since high school? Is that the real reason you were out so much in junior year? Cause of this? I wouldn't be worried, just concerned. I know you can take care of yourself, but that doesn't excuse the fact that you're making yourself sick because you overwork yourself so much. Sheesh, Rox. Come on, now."
"You know after June, we'll be going our separate ways." I began and turned around to face her. "…Maybe it's for the best."
I couldn't even begin to process what was about to happen, because as soon as I looked away from Axel, I found the floor coming up to meet me. Axel was hovering above me, eyes narrowed in my direction. I tongued the side of my mouth gently and then touched it with my hand. I looked down. There was blood.
"Who the hell are you?" Axel began as she knelt down beside me, grabbed my chin roughly and tilted my face up to meet her eyes, "Who the fuck are you right now?"
"You wanted me to talk, didn't you?" I asked, narrowing my eyes right back at her.
"No, you're doing that twisted defensive shit that you do when you get uncomfortable and don't want to talk." She scoffed.
I wiped the blood from my mouth with the back of my hand. I flexed my hand gently, "So you get angry when I talk and you get angry when I don't talk. Which is it, Axel?"
"I'm not angry. I'm just pissed off at how stupid you're being now." She sighed, "I don't want to fight. … Right." She readjusted her hair in its ponytail, "Roxas. I care about you. A lot, okay? And yes, we all know how capable you are of taking care of yourself, yaddah, yaddah, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to be any less of a friend because of it. And when June comes, it won't bring an end to what we have."
"What we … have?" I felt the acid roll off my tongue. I caught myself before I let it go any further. Shaking my head, I braced myself against one knee and pushed myself to standing height so I could look down at Axel. "There's nothing here."
"And what do you mean by that?" Axel asked, raising an eyebrow.
I laughed bitterly and touched at my mouth again to see if I was still bleeding. I felt a stinging on the corner of my mouth and winced slightly, "You speak as if there's something there, Axel." My stomach was in knots, "There's nothing there."
Axel stared up at me for a minute and then lowered her gaze in thought. She rose slowly and placed her hands on her hips, "…I don't understand what you mean."
"Think about it." I replied as I looked down at my hand. I was still bleeding. "I'll be in the bathroom."
-x-
"Roxas?"
I was braced over the toilet again, hands on my knees and my eyes closed. I heard Axel's bare feet shuffling against the tiled floor as she headed in the direction of the stall I was in. She knocked on it.
"Roxas? You okay in there?"
"Fine as I'll ever be tonight." I replied back. My stomach lurched and the sound of my dry heaving filled the bathroom.
"Is anything coming up?"
"No, there's nothing left in my system to come up."
"Do you need water or anything?" She asked.
"Sure."
I heard the bathroom door creaking as it closed and then Axel's shuffling feet returning a few seconds later. She knocked on my stall door and I saw her hand appear underneath the door, "Here."
I leaned down to take the bottle from her and mumbled a word of thanks. I set the bottle down to the side and turned back to the toilet as my stomach lurched violently again. I waited to see if my stomach had finally settled before standing up straight, picked the bottle of unopened water up and let myself out of the bathroom stall. Axel was running a cloth underneath one of the faucets in the bathroom and rung it out when she saw me appearing.
"What are you doing?"
She pressed the cloth to the side of my mouth and I winced, "Cleaning you up." She replied, "Sorry about earlier."
I shrugged dismissively as she wiped away the smeared blood from my face, "Guess I deserved it to some degree."
"I shouldn't have been so pushy."
"You were just concerned."
"Still doesn't justify me hitting you."
"I do it all the time."
"…Yeah, but not like this." She ran the cloth underneath the water again and rung it out. This time, Axel pressed it to my forehead, "Are you feeling any better?"
"I guess so." I replied.
"…Why does it happen?"
"I told you before, I get stressed to the point where my body can't take it and it just happens."
"Is it the result of some type of anxiety or something?" She asked. When she caught the look I was giving her she moved the cloth to the side of my face, "Don't look at me like that."
"Just because you're a psych major doesn't mean you can go around randomly asking people if they've got certain disorders, you know?" I rolled my eyes at her and she smiled slightly, "But, at any rate. Yes. It is anxiety related."
"When did it first happen?"
"Winter of junior year." I replied, "All those times I told you I had the flu, I was really seeing a psychiatrist to try and figure out what was wrong with me."
"Why didn't you think you could tell me?"
"I told you before. I didn't want you to worry." I shrugged, "They prescribed me some pills. I don't take them, though. They made me all loopy and shit … and I hate pills."
"Yeah, I'm not much of a fan of them myself. Ironic, isn't it? This coming from the person who's talking about going into clinical psychology." She shrugged, "You've been managing without them, then?"
"It's gotten better." I replied, "It's just it flairs up from time to time and this happens."
"So you're okay?"
"Yeah."
"Hm." Axel observed my face, "You look okay." She nodded toward the unopened bottle of water I had yet to drink, "I promise I won't stress you out anymore tonight, okay? But, would you do me a favor and drink up? All that throwing up couldn't have done you any good."
I obliged without much of a fight and cracked open the bottle. I took a long swig before looking to Axel for confirmation and she nodded. Linking my free arm in hers, she threw the cloth onto one of the towel racks and dragged us back in the direction of her room. She let me climb into bed first before following after me. I set the bottle of water down into the crevice between her bed and the wall before I got comfortable in bed.
"Sorry." Axel began, turning to look down at me.
"For what?" I asked as I fluffed the pillow behind me.
"For before." Axel said, turning to me. "I freaked."
"Yes …you and your temper."
"You're one to talk." She said, elbowing me gently, "I just got frustrated, I think. Blegh, it was stupid."
"No, I understand where you were coming from."
"Yeah …" She shrugged, "We don't really have a typical friendship, Rox."
"Yeah, I know."
"And that's what I like about us." Axel grinned, "Sleepy?"
"Yeah…"
Axel turned in toward me so that we were nearly face to face. She reached out to ruffle my hair gently and then slid down underneath the sheets. "Night, Rox."
"Night." I replied, closing my eyes and settling in to the plush pillow underneath my head.
-x-
I woke up sometime in the late morning, I suppose around dawn. It took a minute for the fog of slumber to clear from my mind before I realized just how warm I was. It was Axel. She had her chin pressed lightly into the top of my head, her left arm was thrown over my hips and her right arm was outstretched on the pillow next to me. Fuck. I closed my eyes again; just willing myself to go back to sleep.
"You know, I've been up all thinking for the last hour or so." Axel murmured into my hair and I titled my head up, a bit startled to find that she was awake. She leaned forward and pressed a chaste kiss to my forehead, "Been trying to figure out what you meant earlier."
"Did you sleep any?" I asked, looking up at her.
She shook her head, "Don't try to change the subject." Axel inhaled deeply, "Bet you're wondering why you're all tangled up like this, don't you?"
"I wouldn't mind an explanation …"
"Hm." She cocked her head to the side, "You like me … right, Roxas?"
"…Yes." I began, feeling my heart rate starting to increase uneasily.
"No." Axel began, a small smile coming to her face, "You like me. What you said earlier... you said there was nothing there. You meant … nothing as something … more than just friendship, right? Go on and tell me I'm wrong."
I shook my head, "Axel…"
"How long?"
"Axel." I pushed at her shoulders but she barely relented.
"Come on. How long, Roxas?"
"A year or so." I replied, sighing.
She took a moment to process what I told her and then looked down at me, "Hm, as for the way we are right now, you rolled into my arms, I'll have you know. I just sort of stayed like that for the sake of things. That's what woke me up in the first place." She grinned a bit, "…Are you blushing right now?"
"No." I frowned, "So … now what?"
Axel shrugged, "This isn't the part where I confess my feelings and we ride off into the rising sun on some white horse. I'm … how should I put this? It's your decision on whether we should take this somewhere or not."
"Why are you doing this to me tonight?"
"Doing what?"
"Doing this." I felt my vision blurring and there was a pressure building in my nose. I sat up and pushed Axel's hand off my hips and wiped the back of my hand over my eyes. Axel moved to sit up as well as she waited for me to continue, "I can't ... do this. I can't have you knowing this and then ... I can't have this. I can't do this. It's wrong."
"What? Us possibly being together or—"
"Us, that, me." I shook my head, "I can't fuck things up anymore, okay? You're the last person in my corner at the moment and I can't have … that … that taken away from me just because I can't control the way that I feel about you, okay? So, no. This whole me deciding what happens between us … it's not like I would want to take it anywhere. I couldn't take it anywhere. I always hoped that it'd fade away, that all of this would go away—"
"So you suffer in silence?"
"It's better than destroying our relationship."
"Rox, who said anything about destroying, it?" Axel sighed, "Did you ever think … for a minute that maybe … I don't know … maybe I'd think about it? Consider the possibility?" She crossed her arms over her chest, "Larxene? Hello? Have your forgotten that I did have a girlfriend at one point in my life?"
"I don't want you to end up hating yourself."
"Why?"
I looked up at Axel, "None of this … is normal. These feelings I have for you. I'm not …comfortable with this at all." I shook my head, "You think I'm okay with my sexuality, that this whole gay thing has blown over and that I've acknowledged who and what I am, but … I haven't, Ax. Not one bit of it. It still scares me to think of what my mother would say—"
"To hell with what she would say. Roxas, you're twenty one years old, about to be twenty two this year. What about all that talk about moving out right after you graduate? Did you forget about all of that? You're not under her control anymore."
I lowered my gaze from Axel and shut my eyes, "That doesn't matter…"
Silence permeated between the two of us in the room as Axel sat there trying to find something to say and I sat opposite her, fighting the heaviness settling in my chest. I held my head in my hands, grinding my palms into my eyes and fighting against the water that was building there. There was no reason for me to be crying right now. Who knew Axel's persistence could open up some many things that I had kept buried from her for so long.
Axel sighed when she heard my first muffled sniffle. "Come on, Rox. Rox …" Axel pulled me onto her chest and went to lie back down. She wrapped one arm protectively around my neck while the other rubbed my back. "Come on now. It'll be fine."
"No it won't." I mumbled into her shirt. Not after tonight.
"We'll make it right starting now." Axel replied, pulling me up from her chest so that I looked her square in the eye. She bit her bottom lip and then cocked her head to the side, "Xion was the only girl you ever kissed right?"
"…Not this again." I felt an impending headache coming on and sighed, "Axel…"
"Really. Just answer the question."
"Yes. Yes she was. Why?"
Axel rose up and relinquished the hold she had on me. I fell back, balancing myself on my arms and was about to question what she was about to do, before she leaned in and tried to kiss me. I moved back just in time and Axel opened her eyes and frowned at me.
"What are you doing?"
"Why in the hell are you trying to kiss me?"
"Can you just relax and work with me for one minute?"
"Not until you explain yourself. Didn't you just tell me this wasn't going to go anywhere unless I said so?"
"…Well, yes, I did, but—"
"Then what are you doing?"
"Just, shhh…"
I frowned again as Axel held up her pointer finger and started measuring the distance between her face and mine.
"Why are you so weird tonight, Axel? First you basically attack me right before we go to bed, then you end up trying to be all helpful and shit and now you're … what exactly are you doing?"
"I've got a theory that I can help you with the whole 'I'm not comfortable with being a giant flaming lesbian' issue." Axel began, as she crossed her legs in front of her. Now she was pointing at me like she had absolutely lost her mind, "If you'll let me."
"…Why?"
"Well… being that you like me, my dear Roxas, I figure, who better to do this than me?"
"Do what exactly?"
"Well, I was going to see how far you'll let me go."
I glanced at the clock again. 5:12AM. It was too early for me to try and make sense of this. This whole night had turned into a mess from the minute I stepped foot inside Axel's suite. From having mini breakdowns, to our minor arguments, to her trying to help me in some strange affectionate Axel-y way, I didn't even bother to try and question what was going to happen anymore. I was nearly emotionally drained and I didn't want to fight. And, maybe if we did this … these feelings or whatever this was that I had for her would go away. I bit my lip for a moment and then sighed in defeat.
"Fine, then. Go."
-x-
My eyes found Axel's alarm clock at 5:46AM and stayed there as I refused to meet Axel's gaze at the moment. She said all she was going to do was kiss me. Yeah, she kissed me all right. We started out slow, little chaste kisses here and there. It was elementary stuff, nothing big. Well, those little kisses eventually turned into something else when my back hit the bed and Axel's thigh slipped into my legs.
We had gone from sticking each other's tongues down each other's throats to her biting and sucking on my neck to the point where I had to push her off to stop. She was obsessed and seemingly fixated on this one sport in particular that had me squirming whenever she bit down on it or ran her tongue along my neck in a certain way.
After that, the clothes started flying. First Axel's tee went sailing somewhere across the room, followed by my own shirt despite my minor protests. She managed to push my shorts out of the way, too. After she was done stripping me down to my underwear, Axel repositioned herself over me so that she straddled one of my thighs. I had to grab onto her the minute she started grinding against me.
I'd never thought something could feel so good to the point of where I wanted to cry. The friction rubbing against me was enough to send me into a tizzy and I had to lock my legs around Axel in order to get her to stop for a minute. I was feeling aroused to the point it was starting to fucking ache down there.
"Axel...?" I breathed, gripping the pillow under my head and closing my eyes. I bit my lip as she pressed down particularly hard into my hips and nearly knocked the wind out of me again.
"Well, Roxas. I don't think I've ever heard you say my name like that before."
"Can we … can we stop?" I asked, opening my eyes to look at her.
"Are you sure about that?" Axel asked, leaning forward onto my chest and pressing against me on purpose, "We haven't even gotten to the best part yet, Rox. And by the looks of it, you certainly don't want me to stop, now do you?"
I closed my eyes again and shook my head, "I can't … I mean … I can do that … later."
"Later?" Axel asked, eyebrows rising in amusement, "And just where are you going to go?"
I turned to look at the clock above me and groaned in frustration. I tried moving my legs but Axel still had me pinned to the bed. She took my semi-silence as an invitation to try and get me to change my mind about the situation.
Axel leaned forward to whisper into my ear, "It feels good, doesn't it, Rox? Better than when you do it by yourself, hm?"
I shook my head and tried closing my legs again, but Axel wasn't having it, "What … happened to only kissing?"
"That's not what I said." Axel's voice dropped low into my ear and I heard her laugh gently, "Besides, why take you this far only to stop? I doubt you'd let anyone just do this to you, right? …No one except me? You were waiting for me?"
She hit a particularly sensitive spot as she pushed up against me again and I felt my legs tremble as I braced myself against her. I opened my eyes to gaze up into the semi-darkness of the room. Axel braced the small of my back with one hand and the other began its lazy descent down past my breasts and came to rest on my lower stomach. She parted the waistband of my panties and her hand dipped into a place I never thought it would go. I squeezed her hand between my thighs and shook my head.
"Rox. Come on, relax." She whispered soothingly into my ear.
"Axel, it's too much."
"It's okay." She began, "It's just me, Rox."
It took me a moment before I released the hold I had on her hand and relaxed a bit. Axel massaged the small of my back while turning her head slightly so that she could kiss my cheek. I groaned involuntarily into her neck as she slid her fingers further down into my panties.
"…Oh, what do we have here? And you wanted me to stop?"
I shook my head exhaling quickly and Axel took that as unvocal response to her question. I felt like I was drowning. Falling further into depths that were unknown that I couldn't escape … nor did I care to escape at the moment. She was pressing into the deepest part of me at that moment and I nearly shot off the bed when she found a spot more sensitive than all the rest. I looked up at Axel with wide eyes and shook my head.
"Not there."
"Yes there."
Axel pressed forward and pulled.
I shut my eyes and let go.
-x-
"Well."
"Don't say it."
I was turned on my side, unable to look at Axel at the moment. Not because I was mad … I was feeling a little … shy at the moment. I curled up in the duvet, mourning my loss of clothes at the moment and feeling even more exposed because of it.
"Roxas, you ..."
"I said, don't say it."
I heard her snicker gently, "Three times..."
"It's embarrassing."
Axel shifted on the bed and moved closer to me, "Think you can walk?"
"I can't feel my legs." I murmured, turning into my pillow.
"Sorry …" Axel said, sounding a bit sheepish. "How do you feel?"
"Better." I began, "And … a little tired. I just want to sleep at this point." I moved away from the wall and turned to look at Axel, "…Does … tonight really change anything, Axel?"
She rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling, "What do you think?"
I turned onto my back as well, resting an arm over my stomach, "I mean …" I glanced at Axel and she got the point without me even continuing.
"I know." Axel said, "…What did you say earlier? Yesterday becomes today and tomorrow will always bring you the same thing that it always does? Well? What about now?"
I shook my head, "It's a change for once," I began, winding the sheets around my fingers and sniffed.
"So …?"
"We'll talk about this more in the morning, Axel." I turned over onto my side so that I could look at her.
She looked down at me for a moment and then a soft smile came to her face, "Yeah. In the morning. We'll sit down and watch stupid morning cartoons … and I'll make breakfast for the two of us. How's bacon and eggs sound?"
"Axel, how many times have we been over this?"
"All right, I'll eat the bacon. What else can I make you? Toast? Bacon, eggs and toast? Does that sound good?"
I nodded tiredly, stifling a yawn with the back of my hand, "Yeah."
Axel nodded, "It's a date then."
I shook my head at her and didn't even reply. Axel chuckled briefly before drawing the sheets up over my shoulders as well as her own as she turned on her side. She kissed me on the forehead and then threw an arm around my hips to pull me close.
Maybe I've become so accustomed to the same thing every day that I don't understand how to process something outside of my norms. With everything that transpired with Axel for tonight, I knew that I would have a lot of thinking to do over the past couple of days, perhaps even weeks. Where would we go with this? Was it even worth trying to make anything out of this?
Axel jostled me slightly and I looked up to see her looking down at me with one eye cracked open, "Hey. Go to sleep and stop thinking so much."
I closed my eyes at Axel's somewhat demanding behest. Maybe tomorrow would bring me the never ending eternity like I thought it would. And then again, maybe those days were over. I could only speculate as I left behind whatever remained of the late night for the tendrils of light in the emerging morning.