Hey, Mom. It's me again.
School was pretty much the usual. Orchestra practice was good, and I think I have a real chance of landing one of the solo spots. You should have seen Bianca's face when I asked her to the dance. Yeah, I know, me of all people, finally getting up the courage to do something that big… But I did it and I'm glad I did. She hugged me so hard I thought I wouldn't be able to breathe for the rest of the day and then acted like nothing happened. We're so bad at this. Dad says all teenage boys are and that I got his genes. I think it's just a newness thing. Maybe I'll get less awkward as time goes on. Who knows, right?
Speaking of Dad, he was up all night doing ghost patrol, again. I think Aunt Jazz might slap him if he doesn't dial it back soon. He keeps going out for longer and longer. It's been really rough and we all wish you were here to talk some sense into him. I love Dad, but you know how he can get sometimes. I don't think he's eaten in days. I even made his favorite foods from your old notebook, the one with the bats and skulls on it? None of it worked. I'm not sure what I did wrong. At least we have leftovers for the younger kids. Since I'm the oldest I feel like it's my job to pick up the slack while you're gone.
Liam is coming along great in his reading. He's still in that phase where all these exceptions and rules don't make sense to him, so Lilith and I have to help him. He's trying so hard, when you come back he'll read you a whole story. He promised to and he'll probably do it, too; you know how stubborn he is. The baby of the family always has something to prove according to Aunt Jazz. Lilith is determined to get moved up into the next ballet bracket. You know her, ever since she got to be old enough to do en pointe dancing she's been aiming for the top. I feel sorry for anybody who gets in her way. She practices in the attic. Grandpa Jack set up a ballet barr for her and a mirror there so she's been working like crazy.
You know how I am. I just take it one day at a time. I make the beds and do the laundry and all the usual things, cook when I can. I'm getting better at that last part. I mean it, I can make scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage patties, muffins, and even salads the way Lilith likes them. Which isn't a breakfast food but you two never touch meat or eggs so I had to think back to what you like. It's better than just making ourselves toast all the time. I know Grandpa Jeremy and Grandma Pamela want to come help. I appreciate it. I just don't think we need it, you know? We'll survive. I can take care of the family. I'm thirteen, I'm practically an adult. Besides, you've only been gone four months. I've had time to learn on the job. I wish they wouldn't act like I'm incompetent.
Dad still hasn't fixed the TV so we huddle around my computer like I told you last time. I make dinner, leave a plate out for Dad, and we sit around the laptop, the three of us trying to keep the fight over what to watch to a minimum. Sometimes I have to break up fights but don't worry, that happens less and less. Liam tries really hard to follow along with the shows Lilith and I like. He's smarter than I gave him credit for. He draws pictures of the scenes that stick with him. The fridge is plastered with them, so when you come home you can see them, although if he keeps this up I may need to put stuff up on the cabinets, too. Liam's totally going to be an artist, just like you always said.
Yesterday I had to take Lilith and Liam clothes shopping. We hit the thrift store like a hurricane. Liam will wear any shirt with stripes on it, I'll wear anything that looks snazzy, and then there's Lilith. I understand why you had to go shopping with her before. She takes forever to find a few things. Everything has to be a certain level of Gothy. Personally I was impressed with how Liam managed to get stuff he can grow into. Lilith is so picky getting out of there in under two hours was a miracle. We swung by the library, got some books for Liam. The librarian's quit asking where you are. She thinks you're not coming back. A lot of people do. I saw it at all the familiar places we went and I think we're going to have to find new stomping grounds at this rate.
You wanna know a secret? Sometimes I want to let Grandpa Jeremy and Grandma Pamela take us in. Grandpa Jack and Grandma Maddie are so obsessed with ghosts now that they're hard to keep track of. Some days they're fine, some days they're worse than Dad. I know you don't like your parents, but I envy them. They have money to buy food, they don't have to worry about the bills getting paid, their TV works. At their house it's always warm. Don't worry, I made sure everybody got winter clothes, we're good. I just miss how things used to be. I know it wouldn't be the same with them. I just know that it would be easier. And then I think about Dad and what it would be like for him to come back to an empty house, and Lilith and Liam are so convinced you'll be back any day now. I brought it up once a week ago. They were furious. We can't leave because you're coming back.
That's not what the doctors say, though.
They say that the ghost blast that knocked you into that building didn't just fracture the skull, it caused brain swelling. These machines that keep you alive are permanent according to them. They say you can't hear me, and I know it's way past visiting hours, but Doctor Surroi lets me in anyway. He pities me. He knows the custody hearings are coming up. I keep trying to tell myself it'll be okay, that even if you don't come back I can take care of Lilith and Liam. When I'm pushing Liam on the swings or helping Lilith with her math homework I can almost believe that this coma is something that will pass. I can almost feel it, your presence, your smile and kind eyes the color of lilac. And then when it gets late and I'm doing the dishes and putting Dad's plate into the microwave for him so he can eat when he comes home, hope just leaves me. I know in that moment he'll never find the ghost that did this, that even if he did you wouldn't wake up. This isn't a magic spell and you're not Sleeping Beauty.
You're my Mom and I need you. We all need you. Thanksgiving is coming up and you have to be there to keep peace between your half of the family and Dad's. We need you there to threaten us to quit using the word 'Christmahannakah' or you'll make sure we don't get any presents. You need to be there for when I have my violin solo, Lilith needs someone in the audience at her recital, Liam is a turkey in his kindergarten's play. I can do it. I can go to those places and I can be in the crowd. I've been doing it for four months, two weeks and three days now. But as hard as I try I'm just not you. Nobody can be you.
Please come back to us, Mom. We'll be so much better – I'll be so much better. I'll protect you so no ghost ever hurts you again. I'll do anything you want. Just please, come back.
I can't do this on my own. Not forever.