Kathy has barely spoken to me since the divorce had gone through. I'm angry all the time, Liv and I keep clashing over cases I feel like I'm losing everyone I care about. Dickie, sorry Richard as he likes to be known hasn't spoken to me since the whole ordeal with Shane and me not signing the army consent forms. Lizzie and Maureen rarely call, I'm not even certain Eli is mine; Kathy hasn't even tried to tell me he is. Then there was this whole mess with Katie; first the dui and then the drugs, cutting class, promiscuous behaviour and the break and enter which led her to be diagnosed with mental health issues. God when did everything get so screwed up?
I finally believed that I was going to be happy ; first I found my brother that wasn't without its complications, then I was named legal guardian of Calvin. Being a mother was what I had always wanted and even though it was only temporary it felt right. I thought I had found the right guy turns out I was wrong again. Not only are El and I disagreeing on numerous cases but I have to provide him with stability so he can move on from Kathy. I also have been helping him sort out his issues with his kids and in return I get screwed over by Dean Porter and El tell me that I shouldn't have trusted him in the first place and just to let it go. When is it my turn to get exactly what I want?
Sitting here in this apartment, doing nothing but staring at the ceiling thinking about how much I wish things between Liv and I were different or at least how there were before things got to complicated. Words of hurt were thrown around when true feelings should have been revealed, when it all got to hard I ran into the arms of some random temporary partner. Instead of welcoming her back I acted like a stubborn ass. Thing between us improved dramatically in a matter of two months after two horrifying cases; the death of our ADA Sonya Paxton and a case involving a Mexican drug cartel were Liv's life hung in my hands. Now I just want my best friend back. But has too much happened?
Strolling through central park my mind is racing, tension between El and I have been running high ever since Gatarno. A life was lost, his life held in my hands. My feelings for him clouded my judgement, words of anger exchanged between the two of us in the heat of the moment. The true extent of my feelings and the fact that El may feel something for me to freaked me out I ran as far as I could Oregon. But Oregon never felt right so I returned to a less then friendly welcoming. Several months after my return we faced two very unnerving cases one involving the death of our ADA Sonya Paxton and one with a Mexican drug cartel were the roles of Gatarno were reversed. I expected El and I partnership to become even more strained but it somehow brought us closer but I can't help but wonder will things ever go back to the way they were?
All I keep picturing is that young girl no older then Lizzie shooting over and over again and then turning the gun on Liv. I freaked out I couldn't loose her, the girl turned and shot her mothers killer, before I knew it I had raised my gun and fired. The squad room was a bloodbath, one glance at Liv and she can read me like a book her face reflects the emotions I feel, its to much for me to bare. That was the last day I stepped foot in the precinct. A month has gone by and I have gone to counselling to deal with what happened it helped but I owe Liv an explanation. "could you please deliver this detective Olivia Benson" you mean captain Benson right
The last time I saw El he was headed out of the bloodbath that had become the squad room. The events that had transpired were shocking and no amount of training could have taught you how to handle this situation. It's been a month since I have heard from him. Captain Benson I was told to give this letter to you.
My dearest Liv
We have been partners for twelve years, you've had my back and I've had yours. Our partnership has overcome many hurdles and many turbulence times but throughout these times we have provided each other with stability, support and loyalty. You were not only my partner and best friend you were so much more though you may already know this if I had to choose between saving a member of the public and you, I'd pick you, it's always been you. I love you Olivia Benson, you are the bravest, strongest, beautiful women I have ever met and an excellent cop and I have no doubt you will be able to carry on being just as great. I am honoured to have called you my partner, I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye, or ignored your calls I just needed time to work everything out I hope you understand. I would love to get together with you if that's something you would like.
All my Love
El
Liv: "Hey El, it's me Liv"
El: " Hi Liv or should I say captain Benson"
Liv: " Its always Liv to you, so how you been?"
El: " Yeah been alright wbu?"
Liv: "Busy, with the new promotion, its weird not having a partner"
El: " I know what you mean it felt so strange not seeing you and talking to you every day. God I really missed you Livvy"
Liv: "I felt exactly the same way and I missed you to El. I got your letter btw and I understand El, you have always been it for me to that's why I left for Oregon and I understand that you needed time to figure out how to deal with this. That being said I love you to and btw I would totally give you a kidney first"
El: " Not if I gave you mine first. And I knew you would understand because that's who you are, so do you think we could grab a bite to eat later this week?"
Liv: " Elliot Stabler are you asking me out on date?"
El: " If I was would you say yes?"
Liv: "Of course I would say yes El"
El: "Well then its settled Friday night I'll pick you up at seven"
Liv: "Ok seven it is"
El(teasingly): "Alright now get back and do some work captain Benson "
Liv(jokingly): " you-son-of-a-bitch shut up"
El: " see you Friday"
Liv: " yeah Friday can't wait"
El: "oh and Liv one more thing"
Liv: " yeah?"
El: " I love you"
Liv: "I love you to"