Satsuki hated this feeling. Jealousy. It was awful. It wasn't an emotion she was used to feeling and she hated everything about it. It just felt... wrong.
But what made things even worse was the reason she felt so jealous.
It was a stupid immature and idiotic reason, a reason that Satsuki never thought someone like her would get so fussed over.
The reason she felt such intense jealousy, such rotten envy, was because she had developed a crush on someone she knew she could never ever have.
Mako Mankanshoku.
Though Satsuki wasn't even sure if "crush" was the right word to describe what she felt for Mako. She couldn't say she was in love (not yet, at least). Obsession was too strong of a word, adoration didn't sound right either, and she wouldn't call it lust. Maybe the term with Mako was what could best describe it.
But Satsuki couldn't even remember when the thought of being romantically involved with Mako became so appealing to her.
In fact, she didn't even know why she started having those kind of thoughts in the first place.
Her and Mako had such contrasting and different personalities; it just didn't make sense for Satsuki to have a crush on her. Mako was fun and carefree, she lived in the moment and never seemed to plan ahead, she was full of life and filled every room she walked into with light.
Satsuki knew she herself was very different. She was the complete opposite. Satsuki was serious and boring, she needed to carefully plan out almost everything she did, she was cold and she pushed people away, she found it hard to open up to anybody.
So why was she so infatuated with someone like Mako?
Before now, Satsuki had been perfectly happy being single. Relationships and couples never interested her, and the thought of falling in love wasn't something that crossed her mind all too regularly. She was always much too busy to think about such unimportant things.
But now things were different, weren't they? There was no rebellion to plot, no wars to fight, no blood thirsty articles of clothing to worry about. Satsuki finally had the chance to actually live, and developing "crushes" seemed to be part of the deal.
At least her and Mako were a lot closer now. Mako even said she considered Satuki to be one of her best friends, which was better than her thinking of her as some stoic dictator. And with that status came Mako's complete disregard for personal space, though it didn't bother Satsuki any more.
It was times like this that made Satsuki grateful for Mako's clingy-ness. If it weren't for that, then they probably wouldn't have spent most of this friendly girly day out holding hands or linking arms. Mako obviously didn't realise that by doing things like that, she was really toeing the line between friendship and romance, but Satsuki wasn't going to start complaining.
Right now, they were standing on the side of a footpath in the now empty local park (they'd had to stop for a minute, seeing as Mako hadn't managed to master the art of texting while walking yet). Satsuki used the moment of peace to fully admire how pretty Mako looked, seeing as she hadn't done so yet today. She'd began to make a habit of studying Mako's appearance, and she did it so that she didn't really have to spend so long looking at her face any more, not that she didn't though. But she mostly focused on other ascetics, like how the dress she was wearing really showed off her curves, or how cute the color of her jacket made her look.
Staring at Mako like this didn't make Satsuki too embarrassed any more. She used to feel so awful about it, like she was some kind of freakish stalker, especially when she'd note rather intricate details about her crush. It was worse when Mako noticed her staring and questioned her about it, but most of the time the girl remained oblivious to it.
"Satsuki-chan, Ryuko-chan says hi!" Mako said as she waved her phone in front of Satsuki's face, interrupting her little gaze-fest.
The older girl blinked, feeling somewhat dazed, but quickly forced a smile and nodded. "Oh, well tell her I sa-"
"Already did!" Mako smiled and slipped her phone back into her pocket, linking arms with Satsuki as they continued to walk on. "I can't wait for Ryuko-chan to come back home! I miss her sooo much..."
"I know," Satsuki mumbled, though she instantly regretted it once she saw Mako's smile fade.
"... I talk about Ryuko-chan way too much, don't I?" Mako asked in a quiet voice.
"No no, it's fine, really," Satsuki said quickly, panicking, "I really don't mind."
"Oh, good." Mako gave her a quick hug, "Wouldn't wanna be annoying you, Satsuki-chan!"
Satsuki smiled at her, but then tuned out again, because Mako was about to launch into a long-winded speech about how much she missed Ryuko, and she didn't want to hear it.
Ryuko was the only thing getting in the way.
If it weren't for her, things would be so different. Satsuki would actually have a good chance at being with Mako.
She didn't want it to be like that though. She didn't want to think in a such an immature jealous way about her sister.
Satsuki truly was glad Ryuko was finally happy, and that she was is a relationship with someone like Mako. That's all she wanted for her.
But at the same time, she hated it. Why did Ryuko have to be in love with Mako? Why did she get to have her? It didn't seem fair.
Satsuki had spent most of her life plotting a rebellion against their mother, mostly for the sake of her long-lost sister. She'd done everything in her power to protect her. And she'd spent the past year working tirelessly to make sure Ryuko was safe and had somewhere to stay. After she'd done so much for Ryuko, it just didn't seem fair that Ryuko was the one who got to have Mako.
She hated thinking like that. It made her feel like a whiny spoiled child, but she just couldn't help it. Ryuko did deserve Mako, and after all, she did see her first.
Satsuki just wanted her so badly.
But she couldn't have her.
No amount of careful planning could make Mako fall in love with her. She was much too dedicated to Ryuko for that to ever happen.
And Satsuki couldn't, no, wouldn't, purposefully sabotage their relationship either. She loved the two of them too much to do that.
All she could do for now was sit back and watch them be happy together, and accept that she'd probably never know what that kind of happiness felt like. She wouldn't let her childish jealousy get in the way of their relationship.
A sudden tug on her arm pulled Satsuki out of her thoughts.
"Hey uh, can you wait for me while I tie my shoes? I know you're probably in a rush bu-"
"It's fine, Mako. I'll wait," said Satsuki, cutting Mako off, suddenly feeling a bit guilty for tuning out like that, "Here, I... I'll tie them for you."
She gently pushed Mako over to a nearby bench and sat her down before kneeling at her feet and starting on tying her laces.
"I can tie them myself y'know," Mako said, giving her a funny look.
Satsuki didn't reply.
"Is everything okay, Satsuki-chan?"
Looking up, the older girl smiled at her and sighed, "Yes, I'm fine, Mako. I'm just tired. It's been a long day, hasn't it?"
"Yeah, but it was fun! I like being with you!"
Satsuki felt her heart skip a beat.
"But if you're very tired... Maybe it's because you didn't get enough sleep! Is it because of all the coffee you drank yesterday? The last time I drank coffee I couldn't sleep properly for three days! Maybe that's why you're tired? If you stopped drinking coffee, then you'd be able to sleep and you wouldn't feel so tired, right? So just stop drinking it! You should just stick to tea, Satsuki-chan!"
"No, I don't think it was the coffee." Satsuki chuckled as she stood up and brushed off her skirt, "I just had other things on my mind that were troubling me."
"Oooh... Do you wanna talk about it? Talking about it might help!" Mako patted the seat beside her and gave Satsuki a comforting smile, "C'mon, you can tell me anything."
Satsuki sat down and stared at her hands. Could she really tell her anything? Could she really tell Mako that she was the reason she couldn't sleep? That she spent countless hours at night thinking about her?
How would Mako react if she told her about these stupid jealous thoughts she had about her? Would she think it was creepy? Would she hate her?
"It... it's nothing. Don't worry about it, Mako," Satsuki reassured her.
"Hmm..." Mako didn't look like she really believed her, but she didn't agrue, "If you say so. But if you do wanna talk, I'm always here," she gave her a hug, "Okay?"
"A-alright. Thank you, Mako." Satsuki went to hug her back, but Mako had already pulled away.
"No problem, Satsuki-chan!" the brunette said with a grin, "Hey, do you wanna come home with me and stay for dinner? I'll be really lonely tonight, seeing as Ryuko-chan is away and all." Mako sighed and rested her head on her friend's shoulder.
"Your parents wouldn't mind?"
"Of course not!"
"Well if you really want me too, I guess I ca-"
"Yay!" Mako grabbed her hand and pulled her up, dragging Satsuki along behind her down the pat, "I'm really glad! Let's try and get home before it gets too dark."
Satsuki stared at Mako's hand holding her own. It felt so... so right. She looked up and studied Mako's face. She looked even more beautiful in this light, the last rays of the sunlight shining on her face and making her eyes glow a soft amber, a slight breeze blowing her hair back. She was... stunning.
Ryuko probably didn't realise how lucky she was.
Satsuki sighed. She hated being this jealous. She shouldn't be jealous. She had an overall good life, she didn't need Mako to be in love with her. She had other friends, and she could easily meet someone else who she would be even more interested in, and who wasn't already taken. This ridiculous behaviour was so pointless.
Mako... she's the one Satsuki wanted right now. No one else. She didn't care how possessive "want" sounded, because it was true. She was so used to having the things she wanted handed to her on a silver plate.
It was just too bad the one thing she wanted the most, was the one thing she really couldn't have.
word count excluding a/n: 1,927
(a/n): wow, this is... ew? i want to rewrite it but as usual i know i probably won't and it'll just sit in my doc folder and rot. but ey i managed to edit this one p well and not die of shame and embarrassment, so thats a first. and yep, more angst i guess? should probably get back to writing fluff sometime soon. hope you enjoyed. i'm almost semi-proud of this one.