Guess what! I have not watched a single episode of Pahkitew Island!

This was inspired by the fact that I was crazy enough to watch some old slasher flick with my folks. Gore plus nudity equals furious parents. YAY.

DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN TOTAL DRAMA.

Heather was trembling. Sensations overwhelmed her–fear, anxiety, rage, the wondrous desire to empty the contents of her stomach on a handsome face that she really shouldn't be acknowledging as handsome right now–yep, she's got 'em all.

It was as if all her worst nightmares came true, on a Saturday night, no less! Instead of spending a relaxing evening with a bowl of popcorn (low-fat, with unsalted butter) on her lap whilst doing her nails and watching a slightly amusing movie on TV (mostly to make fun of the characters), she was smushed against Alejandro Burromuerto's body, of all fucking people, in a tiny bathroom stall.

It wasn't as if she had any choice. It was either being attached to him and his admittedly toned and gorgeous body, or squished against the toilet overflowing with some green substance that she really did not want to know about.

Approximately fifty yards away, someone shrieked, "You'll be hearing from my law–" before it was drowned out by an unpleasant gurgling sound, a loud splatter, and a terribly annoying signature laugh.

Alejandro let out a breath that he didn't realize he was holding. Unfortunately, he let it out on Heather's face, and she caught a whiff of something that smelled suspiciously of roses. "That's Courtney," he said softly. "Señorita is most unfortunate."

"Can you get the fuck off me?" Heather hissed.

Alejandro looked at her with some surprise, as if he had forgotten that she was there. He glanced at the door, only to see a wad of hairy chewing gum stuck to it. He shook his head silently. He may have been desperate, but there was no way that he was going to attach his ass of perfect proportions to that clump of monstrosity that may have been in Owen's mouth at one point.

Besides, Heather's body was more pleasant to stick to.

The chainsaw whirred to life. More screams followed, along with a giant fart. The aroma filled the room, seeped under the door of the public bathroom, and traveled right to their noses.

It reeked of meat loaf, with...coconut.

"That's Owen," Alejandro muttered. "And I suppose you can count on Mr. Coconut's demise as well."

"I want to fucking get out of here." Heather's tone brooked no opposition. She tried to get past Alejandro's body, but the Latino only tightened his hold on her.

"And then what, chica?" Alejandro growled. "So Chris can hack off your limbs?"

"No," Heather spat, "so I can do this." She then proceeded to barf her heart's desire on Alejandro's sculpted chest.

The evening had actually started off innocently enough. There was some reunion episode that everyone had to attend. They did all sorts of boring shit, until Harold randomly died in the middle of the living room (because, you know, he's the nerd, right), followed by Lindsay and Tyler, who were having sex smack in the middle of a carpet where Anne Maria's body exploded. Her guts were curiously orange.

Alejandro, Heather, Courtney, and some others tried to find out who the killer was, and concluded that it was Zoey, since she was the least likely to commit murder (horror movie standards, as you may be aware). But before they could kill her themselves, Chris McLean was caught dragging Gwen's headless body into his Jacuzzi.

He would have managed to kill all of them, had not Heather hurled Noah's body at his face. Noah was still alive, but who cares, right? I mean, it's Noah. (Cue screams of a thousand fangirls.)

A dagger in the middle of Lindsay's exposed chest (which wasn't exactly attractive at the moment, due to the guts slathered on it), Tyler's head, twisted in an impossible angle, Justin devoid of all his glorious skin, and Cody's butt literally sticking up in the air. Sierra was able to catch it, but then she was attacked with the chainsaw. At least she died happily.

And now Heather and Alejandro were jammed in a bathroom modeled for Barbie dolls.

Alejandro's eyes were firmly shut. He refused to feel Heather's puke dribbling down the planes of his torso. "You couldn't have done that on the toilet?" he groaned.

"I would have, if you weren't choking me to death!" Heather snapped. Alejandro's arms loosened somewhat, but he still clung to her.

They stood silently, listening for more signs of life (and death).

"The power of NINE will save me! NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE..." The ninth nine was never uttered, ergo someone will be going to Nine Hell tonight.

"MOMMA!"

"Heather and Alejandro!" Chris's whiny voice cut through the tension. "Where are you losers? I'm almost late for my massage!"

"Do something!" Heather hissed.

Alejandro stared gravely at Heather's terrified face. "I can't believe it has to end this way," he murmured. "Can I kiss you before we die, mi amor?"

"What?"

And then they were passionately kissing. They held on to each other, because it's perfectly reasonable to have a hot make out session whilst a psycho murderer wielding a power tool runs loose, and didn't stop kissing even as the stall door burst open.

Chris McLean stood at the door frame. He carried Courtney's head around his neck with Leshawna's unbelievably indestructible weave as a chain. He stared openly at their display. "Aw, sick!" he groaned. "You guys disgust me. I'm outta here."

He dropped his chainsaw on the floor with a sigh. "I'm late for my massage anyway. I'll kill you some other time."

With that, the deranged host left the building, completely unaware of the fact that his khaki pants looked exactly like something from a teenage girl's hamper during that time of the month.

Alejandro hugged Heather close. "Lo hicimos, mi amor! We survived!" he exclaimed, claiming her mouth once more.

And then they heard it: the distinct roar of a chainsaw.

They turned around. And screamed.

*cue evil music*

Too bad the Escaped Psycho Killer with the Chainsaw and a Hook wasn't around. I guess you can tell who the killer was by the cover photo, huh?