The Unlamented Fate of Pow-R 8
"Go left!" Remy shouted indicating with his hands.
"No, go right!" Pyro frantically waved his arms.
"Whew, missed!" Piotr sighed. "Oh no! Wait, do not come back!"
"Look out!" Remy cried. "Arrrggghhh! I've been hit!"
"Come on, come on!" Sabertooth growled threateningly. "I swear if you hit one more of my guys…noooooo!"
"Yay! My triple stack still lives!" Pyro cheered.
"AAARRRGGGHHH!" Sabertooth roared as a little green wind-up toy fell over the edge and hit the floor. The Acolytes were currently huddled around a table in the recreation room playing a board game. "YOU STUPID LIZARD! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO RUN INTO MY PIECES EVERY SINGLE TIME?" He jumped up from his chair and began to chase the toy around the room.
"Wow, who would have ever guessed Sabes would be so bad at playing Dizzy, Dizzy Dinosaur?" Pyro blinked.
"Or be this engrossed in it," Remy added as he watched Sabertooth chase after the little plastic figure. "Come on Sabes. It's your turn to roll the dice."
"NO! THE EVIL DINO MUST DIE!" Sabertooth roared as the toy dinosaur spun around and ran underneath the couch. "COME BACK HERE YOU LITTLE CHEATING DEMON!"
"Oh dear, there goes another couch," Piotr sighed as Sabertooth furiously tore it apart. "You did not mention this would be part of the game."
"Hey you gotta admit, it is pretty entertaining," Remy smirked as the toy continued to elude Sabertooth's grasp and zipped between his legs.
"Yeah, but can't he do it later? I'm winning," Pyro whined.
"YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE!" Sabertooth roared as he chased the toy dinosaur out of the room. "I'M GONNA TURN YOU INTO A FOSSIL AND POUND YOU BACK TO THE MESOZOIC ERA!"
"Well that kills this game for a while," Remy shrugged. "Anyone wanna bet on whether Sabes will catch that thing and when?"
"Hmmm," Piotr rubbed his chin in thought.
"I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!" Magneto was heard shouting in the distance.
"Uh oh. Wonder what Mags is upset about this time?" Remy asked.
"Um, I think I'd better be going now," Pyro gulped and tried to sneak out.
"THOSE FILTHY MURDEROUS SAVAGES!" Magneto stormed into the room with a very angry look on his face. "I knew this would happen! I knew they would end up doing it sooner or later!"
"Um Mags, what's going on?" Remy asked carefully.
"I'll tell you what's going on!" Magneto snarled. "I have just learned about the most evil, most malicious, most sinister plot ever to involve mutants!"
"Uh, in my defense I really didn't think marshmallows would react with those chemicals like that," Pyro gulped nervously. "And the computers only exploded after the ceiling dissolved and managed to eat its way through the floor so…"
"Huh? What are you talking about?" Magneto glared at him.
"Nothing," Pyro whistled.
"Getting back on track here," Remy waved. "What is this evil plot?"
"I have been going over the records from the surveillance devices I had you plant at Xavier's a while ago," Magneto said. "I've discovered that the humans have developed a poisonous substance that only harms mutants and plan to sell it to the public."
"What?" Piotr gasped. "How dangerous is it?"
"Very dangerous. Just having it come into contact with your skin causes severe damage," Magneto growled.
"What is this dangerous substance?" Remy asked. "Poisonous gas? Neurotoxin? A genetically engineered bacteria?"
"No. Sport drink," Magneto said.
"Huh?" Pyro blinked.
"It's called Pow-R 8. Developed by a man named Guy Spear. Didn't even know what he had until some mutants tried to shut down his manufacturing plant and failed," Magneto had a determined look in his eye. "But I will shut it down. Permanently!"
"What about the drinks that are already in circulation?" Remy asked.
"There are none. According to their ads Pow-R 8 won't be released for at least another week. By then Spear's plant will be nothing but rumble," Magneto growled. "Where's Sabertooth?"
CRASH!
"DIE YOU STUPID SCHEMING REPTILE! DIE!"
"He's a little occupied at the moment," Remy said as something else broke in the background.
"Well tell him to stop it and get out here," Magneto ordered. "We're leaving now!"
"Wait, you want us to just go and destroy his plant now?" Remy asked.
"Yes!" Magneto snapped. "The sooner that place is destroyed the better."
"But won't this guy just build a new plant somewhere else in a few months?" Pyro asked timidly. "Or try and market the drink under a different name?"
"Hmmm, you actually have a point," Magneto paused and pondered for a moment. "The risk of him building a hidden plant to produce the drink in secret is too great. We have to make a surgical strike. Destroy all knowledge of the formula used in the drink in any form. Records, samples, people, everything."
"People?" Piotr frowned.
"Yes, people!" Magneto snapped. "Specifically one person. Spear! From what I can tell he is the only one who knows the complete formula. Doesn't trust his employees at all."
"Gee, imagine that," Remy rolled his eyes.
"Fortunately, it doesn't look like he has told any other humans that Pow-R 8 is fatal to mutants," Magneto said. "Probably keeping it under wraps until he has managed to restock his supply to prevent any snoops or rivals from trying to steal the formula."
"So if we shut him down now no one is gonna care," Remy summed it up. "The government, the military and the public won't realize they have just lost a potent weapon against mutants."
"Correct. Unless destroying the plant winds up drawing too much attention. People might start asking questions and investigate the place," Magneto frowned. "If they ever suspected what Pow-R 8 could do they'd stop at nothing to try and reproduce it."
"So the goal is to destroy Spear's factory, all traces of his formula and prevent people from ever discovering his drink is poisonous to mutants?" Piotr asked.
"Yes," Magneto confirmed. "It will be tricky."
"Makes my head hurt just thinking about it," Pyro winced.
"That's a big surprise," Magneto drawled.
"Wait just a second," Remy thought for a moment before breaking into a grin. "I have a plan."
"Really?" Piotr asked.
"Oh no," Magneto groaned. "Forget it! I am not listening to one of your convoluted ideas!"
"Trust me boss. You're gonna love this," Remy smirked.
Later that night…
Guy Spear yawned as he casually walked down one of the many hallways of his Pow-R 8 plant, the new centerpiece of Spear's Sports Industries. Ever since he had caught the Morlocks attacking it he had taken to performing late night inspections to make sure his security force was alert and not incapacitated again. Although there had been no more attacks he still made the inspections in fear of the plant being sabotaged before Pow-R 8's official debut.
Spear was just about to finish up and head home when he nearly tripped on a shiny present sitting in the middle of the hallway. "What the heck? What is this?" He picked up the present which had a large label saying: SPEAR DON'T OPEN ME! Spear frowned and naturally opened the present.
FOOOOOOM!
"AAAHHHHHH!" Spear screamed as a multitude of silly string exploded everywhere.
TINK! TINK! TINK!
"Huh?" Spear blinked as he laid in the now messy hallway with silly string draped all over him. He then noticed several dozen glowing marbles gently rolling towards him. "What in the world…?"
POP! POP! POP! POP! POP!
"YEEEOOOWWWWWW!" Spear yelped as the marbles began exploding all around him. He rolled around in panic as he desperately tried to get away from them. "OH MAN THAT HURTS! OW! OW! OW!
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" A long spooky moan echoed down the hallway.
"What's going on?" Spear gulped and nervously got to his feet as the lights began to flicker and randomly blink off. "Who's there? Help! Security!"
"YEEEEAAARRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHH!" A huge flaming dragon burst around the corner and charged towards him, fire dripping from its gaping jaws.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Spear screamed and ran for his life. "HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!"
"RRRAAAAAAUUUUUURRRRRRRRR!"
"AAARRRGGGHHH!" Spear shrieked as the dragon set fire to his pants. "I'M ON FIRE! WATER! HELP! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!"
FLOOOOOM!
A fire extinguisher opened up from its secure mounting box and shot Spear right in the face.
"GAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Spear sputtered, slipped on the foam and went sliding down the hallway straight into a wall.
WHAM!
"Ohhh," Spear groaned lying crumpled up in a heap with his pants covered in scorched marks.
CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!
"What now?" Spear moaned just before dozens of metal spiders and scorpions appeared and scurried for him. Very frightening looking spiders and scorpions that were also the size of raccoons.
CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Spear scrambled away like mad and barely managed to get to his feet. He took off down the hallway with the metallic monstrosities scurrying after him. "HELP! SOMEBODY SAVE ME! MOMMY!"
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"YAAAHHHHHH!" Spear stepped on some large dye bombs, causing them to explode and shower him with pink and caramel dye. "OW! MY EYES! MY EYES!"
CRAAACCCK!
WHUMP!
An avalanche of snow broke through the overhead ceiling tiles and buried Spear up to his neck.
"AAARRRGGGHHH! OH MAN THAT'S COLD!" Spear shrieked as he lay shivering in the snow just before the combined spider and scorpion horde caught up with him.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Spear screamed as the metal arachnids swarmed over his face. "NOT THE SPIDERS! I HATE SPIDERS! GET 'EM OFF ME! GET 'EM OFF ME!" He frantically tore his way out of the snow. Spear frenetically threw off the spiders clinging to him and bolted down the hallway once more with the spiders and scorpions following hot on his heels. "GAAAHHHHHH! SECURITY! SECURITY!"
ZING! ZING! ZING!
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Spear yelled as the scorpions began to shoot their metal stingers at him. Some of them flew and lightly grazed his hair. "I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!"
"BUZZZZZZ! BUZZZZZZ! BUZZZZZZ!"
Several large winged toasters made out of fire flew by overhead, flames leaping from their bread slots.
"YAAAHHHHHH!" Spear ducked to avoid being set on fire again. "WHAT THE...TOASTERS? WHO'S EVER HEARD OF FLYING TOASTERS…YEEEOOOWWWWWW! AAARRRGGGHHH! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!"
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"WAAAUUUGGGHHH!" Spear yelped as various glowing floor tiles exploded. He frantically ran for a pair of doors and threw them wide open. Spear found himself surrounded by enormous numbered vats situated on the factory's main production floor. "SOMEBODY HELP ME!"
"Sure thing weasel!" A gruff voice snickered behind him.
"What the…MMMMMMFFFFFF!" Spear gagged as a small sack was thrown over his head.
"First we'll get you outta these lame clothes." Spear felt himself being lifted off the floor by a strong hand.
"MMMMMMPPPHHHHHH!" Spear squirmed as something quickly shredded his jacket, shirt and what remained of his pants.
"And have you slip into this!" Spear felt himself being dressed in a slightly baggy outfit.
"Gahhhhhh!" Spear gasped as the sack was torn off his head. He looked down and found himself wearing a brightly colored clown costume complete with floppy shoes. "What the…?"
"See ya later wimp!" Something grabbed him by his collar and the seat of his pants.
"No! Please let me…AAAIIIEEEEEEEEE!" Spear managed to catch a fleeting glimpse of dirty blonde hair right before he was hurled upward and into one of the open vats. "YAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
SMACK!
"Ohhh," Spear groaned, having done a near perfect belly flop. "Huh? Hey, this isn't Pow-R 8." He blinked at the thick, yellow substance surrounding him. "This smells like…cheese?"
"Oh boy! Fondue!" Spear managed to peer over the side of the vat and spotted a figure with a strange looking backpack. The figure shot out a stream of flame at the base of the vat which rapidly began to grow hot. "Hahahahaha!"
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Spear frantically tried to escape from the vat but was too weighted down with cheese. "NO! HELP! I DON'T WANNA BE FONDUED!"
CREEEKKKKKK!
"Oh no…YAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Spear screamed as the vat's supports gave way and the whole thing tipped to the side, nearly flooding the room with cheese.
"Yeah! Yeah!" Pyro laughed maniacally as he casually set the spilled cheese on fire.
FLOOOOOOM!
"GAAAHHHHHH! WATER! WATER!" Spear yelled and scrambled away from the blaze. He quickly ran to a wall and pulled a lever to activate the factory's sprinkler system.
HISSSSSSSSSSSS!
"WHAT THE…AAARRRGGGHHH!" Spear yelped as the sprinklers began to spray out flaming naphtha instead of water.
"I'm singing in the flames! Just singing in the flames!" Pyro danced around happily as the fire rained about him. "What a glorious feeling, I'm happy again!"
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Spear screamed and frantically ran around trying to avoid the relentless downpour of flames.
"I'm laughing at clouds, so dark up above! A flame's in my heart and I'm ready for love!" Pyro smiled as he continued to dance around.
"WAAAUUUGGGHHHHHH! LET ME OUTTA HERE!" Spear bolted for the doors and burst through them only to run straight into the spiders and scorpions again. "AAARRRGGGHHHHHHHHH!"
CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Spear immediately ran back onto the production floor and desperately looked for another way out.
"Let the flames go and chase, everyone from the place!" Pyro laughed happy as fires rapidly spread throughout the room. "Come on with the flames! I've got a smile on my face! I walk down the lane, with a happy refrain! Just singing, singing in the flames!"
"EXIT! EXIT! WHERE'S AN EXIT?" Spear ran around like a chicken with its head cut off while barely managing to dodge the descending streams of fire. "THERE'S ONE!" He sprinted for a different set of doors and practically dove through them headfirst.
SPLASH!
"GLUUUBBBBBB!" Spears spat as he found himself wallowing in a shallow wading pool filled with a very distinctive substance. "What the…scotch?"
HISSSSSSSSS!
A stray ribbon of flame squeaked through the doors before landing in the pool.
FA-WAAAPPPPPPPPPPPP!
"AAARRRGGGHHHHHH!" Spear was thrown head over heels as the pool's contents ignited and burst into flame. Somehow he luckily avoided being set on fire himself. "FIRE! FIRE! NO MORE FIRE!" Spear hysterically attempted to crawl away with a nervous twitch in his eye.
WHOOOOOOSSSHHHHHH!
"GAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Spear was tossed upward as an enormous metal fan began blowing, sending a huge gust of wind down the hallway and making it resemble a high speed wind tunnel. Hundreds of feathers spilled out of nearby air vents and flew through the air, many of them sticking to Spear's cheese-covered form.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"FFFRRRMMMMPPPHHHHHH!" Spear tried to scream around a mouthful of feathers as dozens of glowing feathers exploded in midair. He was violently blown down the hallway and out the front doors.
CRASH!
"OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!" Spear yelped as he bounced off the steps and rolled into the street.
"Hey! Get that guy!" Someone grabbed Spear and hauled him upright. "Who are you? What are you doing here?"
"Whaaa?" Spear twitched as he was brought before a tough looking police officer while being held by a pair of cops. "Fire, fire! Raining fire! Fire everywhere!"
"Geeze, how much has this guy had to drink?" One of the cops waved a hand in front of his face.
"Hey, you! Snap out of it!" The officer tried to get Spear's attention. "Are you Guy Spear?"
"Spear? I'm Spear!" Spear broke out of his daze and finally noticed the officer. "I'M GUY SPEAR AND I NEED YOUR HELP!"
"Watch it buddy!" The officer snapped as Spear tried to grab his uniform. "Are you sure you're Guy Spear?"
"YES! YES I AM! SO HURRY UP AND HELP ME ALREADY!" Spear shouted.
"Okay," The officer said. "Guy Spear, you are under arrest."
"WHAT?" Spear yelped. "WHY?"
"We received an anonymous tip that you were planning to burn down your company's Pow-R 8 plant tonight as part of an insurance scam," The officer explained as some fireworks shot out from the building. "From the looks of things I'd say it was pretty darn accurate."
"I WAS ATTACKED!" Spear screamed and trashed around wildly. "IT WAS THE DRAGON THAT DID THIS! AND THE FLYING TOASTERS!"
"Dragon?" The officer blinked. "Flying toasters?"
"YES! THEY'RE THE ONES WHO DID THIS! THEY SET ME ON FIRE AND CAUSED EXPLOSIONS AND DROPPED SNOW ON ME AND SENT THE SPIDERS…" Spear began to twitch again. "SPIDERS….SPIDERS…EVIL SPIDERS!"
"Okay, he's plastered," The officer sighed. "Though that doesn't quite explain the feathers and clown getup. And does anyone else smell cheese?"
"I AM NOT DRUNK! THE SPIDERS DID THIS TO ME!" Spear yelled.
"Sure they did," The officer drawled condescendingly.
"Sir, the fire department has arrived. They're tending to the blaze now," Another cop came up to them as the Pow-R 8 plant burned in the background.
"Anyone else in there?" The officer asked.
"Doesn't look like it. The building appears to be empty. Spear obviously didn't want any witnesses around when he torched the place," The cop said.
"And by the looks of things any evidence is gonna be turned to slag or ash by the time the fires are put out," The officer sighed.
"No quite sir. We were able to grab these before everything went up," The cop pulled out several sheets of paper. "Looks like Spear was having some production problems. Spent a lot of money replacing broken equipment. He had all the new stuff secretly transferred to one of his company's storehouses so he could state that it had been lost in the fire and add it to the insurance claim."
"WHAT?" Spear yelped. "I NEVER DID THAT!"
"His personal finances are a shambles," The cop continued. "According to this he's been leeching off his company's treasury for months. There are also hints he has been paying large bribes to avoid certain FDA regulations. And there are all these gambling IOU's we found…"
"THOSE PAPERS ARE FAKES! FAKES I TELL YOU!" Spear screamed.
"There are more indications that his company has been involved in stock fraud, falsifying records, tax evasion," The cop continued to tick off the list.
"And he stole my cheese!" A short, somewhat pudgy man walked up to them.
"Who are you?" The officer blinked.
"I'm Jack Luca! Owner of Soft Breeze Cheese! My factory is right next to his!" The man pointed at Spear. "I got an anonymous tip that Spear was stealing my cheese to use in his Pow-R 8 formula without telling anyone about it!"
"WHAT?" Spear shouted. "THAT'S A LIE!"
"It's true! The evidence is all over your face!" Luca pointed a finger at Spear. "Cheese thief!"
"Hey, he's right," The cop flipped through the papers. "There are notes here telling all about it."
"And Carl just radioed that there was a big blob of what looked like burning cheese oozing out one of the back doors," Another cop added.
"You'll be hearing from my lawyers about this Spear! I'll sue!" Luca yelled.
"Okay, that's enough," The officer waved Luca off and took out a pair of handcuffs. "Guy Spear, you are under arrest for arson, attempted insurance fraud, theft, false advertising, embezzlement, corporate corruption and drunken disorderly conduct. Men, take him away."
"YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!" Spear howled as the cops struggled to restrain him. "I'M THE VICTIM HERE! I'M THE ONE WHO WAS ATTACKED BY GIANT METAL SPIDERS AND TOASTERS AND A DRAGON! THEY COVERED ME WITH CHEESE AND TRIED TO TURN ME INTO FONDUE! THERE WERE EXPLOSIONS AND SCORPIONS AND FEATHERS EVERYWHERE! AND FIRE! LOTS OF FIRE!"
"Better make a call to the nearest mental hospital too," The officer sighed.
"I'M INNOCENT!" Spear screamed as he was dragged away. "INNOCENT YOU HEAR ME? I'VE BEEN FRAMED! IT MUST BE THE MUTANTS! YEAH, THAT'S IT! IT'S THE MUTANTS WHO ARE BEHIND ALL THIS! THEY'RE THE ONES WHO SENT THE SPIDERS AFTER ME! THEY DID THIS! MAKE THEM PAY!"
"Yeah, whatever you say pal," One of the cops grunted. "Man, this guy's starting to sound like that principal at Bayville High."
"No kidding," The other cop agreed.
A short block away Magneto looked down at the scene from the roof of a tall building. "Looks like those fools' knack for causing chaos finally came in handy for once," he chuckled to himself.
"We're back!" Pyro chirped as the Acolytes joined Magneto up on the roof. "Boy that was fun!"
"And profitable," Remy grinned with his trench coat bulging with loot. "Who knew CEO's kept so much cash inside their personal safes?"
"Did you finish the job?" Magneto asked.
"Oh yeah," Remy smirked. "Planted the fake papers and destroyed every bit of paperwork and computer data storage medium in the place."
"What about the guards?" Magneto inquired.
"We knocked them all out, drugged 'em and stashed 'em behind a nearby bar before returning to deal with Spear," Sabertooth grinned. "Not to mention covering them with a couple kegs of cheap beer. They won't remember ever being near the plant tonight."
"And your tracks?" Magneto asked.
"Wiped clean. Anything we left will be incinerated along with the plant," Remy said. "Except for the giant spiders and scorpions. You did turn them back into scrap metal, right?"
"Of course," Magneto scoffed. "Along with the oversized fan. Not everything needs to be destroyed by molecular combustion."
"But it's so much fun!" Pyro cackled happily as he watched the firefighters futilely try to put out the blaze. "Yeah, I burned that building real good!"
"Man, is Spear gonna be surprised when he checks his bank accounts," Remy grinned. "How did you manage to break into them anyway?"
"Even the best cyber security systems are useless when the computers they're running on are hit with a strong, focused magnetic field," Magneto gave him a look. "Or when the mainframes themselves are magnetically manipulated directly."
"You can do that?" Remy blinked.
"I am the Master of Magnetism. Of course I can do that," Magneto huffed. "Granted, it's highly delicate work, but not nearly as difficult as you might think. Emptying Spear's accounts and changing the records were child's play."
"What did you do with his money?" Piotr asked.
"Donated it to a World War II Veterans association," Magneto said. "It would have been too obvious if I transferred it all to myself."
"So much for Pow-R 8 and what remains of Spear's Sports Industries," Remy noted gazing at the burning building. "After tonight they are gonna fold in like a house of cards. Nobody is gonna be interested in recreating their stuff."
"And no one will trust anything Spear says or does ever again," Magneto added. "Or anything he has ever said or done for that matter."
"Especially if he's spending the rest of his life in prison or the nuthouse," Sabertooth chuckled.
"Some people are so fragile," Pyro waved.
"Do you still want to hit the patent office and replace the files they have on the formula for Pow-R 8?" Remy asked.
"Yes, just in case it is brought in for evidence," Magneto said. "Are you sure you got away unnoticed?"
"Relax boss. I personally trashed every security tape and hard drive in the place," Remy smirked before pulling out a thin case. "All except this one of course."
"Oh boy! That's great!" Pyro giggled. "It'll make a nice addition to our collection."
"I know seeing that wimp running around covered with cheese in a clown suit will entertain me for a while," Sabertooth grinned.
"I did not see that," Piotr said. "I missed most of what was going on. I was too busy loading all the Pow-R 8 into the giant stealth sphere for Magneto to launch into the sun."
"Really? Then let's go back to the base and view the whole thing!" Pyro chirped. "That way you can all watch me perform my solo!"
"Usually I'd abstain but in this case I might make an exception," Magneto allowed himself a small smile. "Hmmm, I wonder how much Charles would pay to see a screening of it?"
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution, Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur or the song "Singing in the Rain".