Authors Notes: wrote this while very bored.
Disclaimer: Dont own, Bioware does.
How to survive on SSV Normandy
Hi, If your reading this manual, you're a new crew member and Commander Shepard has you reading that horrifically boring induction manual (seriously, its boring, but you can't say no, refer to tip 1, to find out why) Well, fear not my new crew member, you can skip it and head for the handy hints written on this page.
These are tips to survive life abroad this ship, if you remember these rules, you'll be fine, if you don't, well...your FUCKED!
When Shepard says DO, do it fast and well, don't blow anything up, makes her real mad. (Like shotgun mad)
Dont mess around with Ashley's guns, she never misses, like ever!
Never ask Joker if you can fly the ship, you've probably already guessed why.
Messing with the engines is never a good idea unless you wanna be chucked in head first by Adams.
Never interrupt Garrus during his "calibration", he's obsessed and has really sharp teeth.
Dont let the council hear you snigger when Shepard is about to hang up them, oh the complaints!
Dont ask Tali if you can play with her combat drone, you can't see her face, but she has a mean look on her face when you do.
Dont switch Shepard coffee to decaf, If you want to avoid Shepard causing diplomatic incidents.
Wrex can and will eat you, Avoid!
Trying not to roll your eyes when Liara says "By the Goddess", she says a lot and you'll just go blind.
Kaidan totally digs the Commander, so don't flirt, he's got freaky powers!
*New entries for SR2.*
Dont say Shepard works for Cerberus, if looks could kill.
Dont go near Shepard after she has spoken to The Illusive prick.
Dont stare at Samara's boobs, Hawthorne is still red from embarrassment.
I refer to point 5, yes, he's still obsessed with "calibration"
Dont wolf whistle Miranda.
Dont look at Jack, you've been warned!
Never leave valuable shit lying around, Kasumi will steal it.
Dont get Zaeed talking, hes got stories, not all of them nice.
If Mordin starts talking about sex, RUN!
When Commander Shepard says she's a rookie at Skyllian Five, she's lying her ass off.
Dr Chakwas is funny when drunk.
Dont flirt with Shepard, Thane really hates it and he can kill you dead before you realise hes got you. In fact just always sleep with one eye open.
Dont flirt with Thane, Shepard hates it, and she will kill on sight.
Dont mess with Joker's porn stash, he sees and hears all and is not beyond blackmail.
Dont have a sex with Kelly, she's a walking health issue.
If you find out who caught Scale Itch i.e had sex with a varren, tell Mordin (Has to be Kelly)
Beware of Ruperts cooking!
If you feel like your being watched, it's either Joker or Kasumi cloaked.
Avoid Grunt if possible, hes just gone through puberty.
Jacob is boring.
Shepard has a hamster (Seriously, it has a name and everything)
Beware of Hadley and Halloween pranks (Bastard, dressed as a husk and scared the fuck out of everyone during the night cycle)
Edi knows when your horny!
Dont walk past Life support after the ground team return, noises can't be unheard.
Never eat the cake, Rolston found out the consequences personally.
If it smells and looks bad, don't eat, Grunt will.
Dont go into the bathroom after Grunt, just don't.
Shepard gets what she wants by yelling, Quarian Admirals now know this.
Never let Zaeed dare you into anything, it never ends will.
*Edited for Alliance crew*
If your man, don't try it on with Traynor, she'll say no.
If you're a woman, don't it on with Cortez, he'll say no.
Never agree to dance with Vega.
Never agree to dance with Shepard.
He's still into his "calibration" (Watching porn more like)
EDI still knows when you horny, worse now she's a sexy robot.
Get in quick when Vega cooks, hes good.
Javik has no sense of humour.
Ok, so he has a sense of humour.
Always bet on Wrex when Primarch Victus is onboard.
Shepard has a cuddly bear!
Never beat against Shepard, you will always lose.
When Shepard buys lots of booze, find a comfy spot, because you will not move from it for at least 24 hours.
Garrus and Tali, can't help think he'd crush her.
Try not to laugh too much when a Quarian Admiral limps past, clutching his gut because Shepard punched him, just joke about it with Tali later.
Dont fuck about with the shuttles, Cortez can use a gun.
Beware of Shepard clones, no one knows how many Cerberus actually made.
Kaidan still digs Shepard, babies!
Admiral Xen is fucking nuts, this gives Shepard the rage.
Never interrupt when Vega and Garrus are in the middle of a verbal pissing contest.
Emergency induction port, ask Tali what that means, shes funny when drunk.
Dont sneak up to Shepard's cabin and take her model ships to play with, Kaidan and Vega learned a painful lesson.
Admiral Koris is actually a nice guy, who'd have thought it.
Traynor is a geek.
Wrex is right, Normandy is a travelling freak show.
Shepard is the best Commanding officer ever, a real badass, sexy and totally mental (Totally not being forced to write this last one under duress, Shepard doesn't have a gun on me, not at all)