During the Graag Cave In
An alternative excerpt to what happened in the graag cave-in in The Sending. Dameon/Elspeth.
The air filled with dust, and the graag felt as though it were being pounded on all sides. The earth began to throw up rocks which split the floor beneath our feet.
"Elspeth!" I heard Dameon cry ahead.
Twisting my ankle savagely, I threw myself after him.
A terrifying rush of rock and metal sprang up behind me. I choked on its cloud as I reached forward, groping in the darkness for him.
Slowly, my eyes adjusted to the dim light. Dameon was propped up against the wall of the graag, his leg, spread out before him, was purple and bleeding, pinned underneath stone and rubble. Faraf was nowhere to be seen.
I hastily freed him, setting Swallow's glowing water bottle down beside me.
Dameon sat in silence as I bandaged him with the remnants of my healing kit, though I noticed he was shaking. I reached out to touch his face to feel for fever, when it occurred to me that he was trying not to scream.
"P-please Elspeth, don't." Dameon said through gritted teeth.
I brushed the dirt from the side of his face by way of an apology. "You should have told me I was hurting you!" I chided him gently.
Suddenly, I felt a stab of longing for the empath, as I imagined what I would have felt if I had lost him here in the earth and darkness. My chest ached with the bitter absence of hope, and it seemed Dameon was the bright centre of my vision. His warmth drew me to him. I knitted my fingers through his hair and drew his mouth forward to kiss mine.
For an instant, he resisted me, and then it was as though a flood had broken inside of him, his arms wrapped around my shoulders and my waist, almost crushing me. I met each caress with the intensity of my own, and it was only when I slipped my hand inside his shirt that his eyes widened and he threw me forcibly away from him.
In that tumbling arc I lost contact with him, and felt mortified at what I had done. What was wrong with me? I realised I was gasping and panting like a wild beast.
"Dameon…I…I'm so sorry. I just thought of what I would feel if I had lost you…" I didn't know how to continue. My cheeks burned.
Suddenly, Dameon began laughing – a cold, cruel laugh, dry and cracking. His features hardened.
"Elspeth, please. Can you really not know?"
I gaped at him, bewildered.
Something in my expression seemed to soften him for he continued more gently, flatly:
"Your feelings did not make you act as you did. They were mine. Have you never guessed that I love you, Elspeth?" his voice was now light and raw. "Normally, I would shield you from feeling what I feel – it is a matter of containing my Talent – but it is harder when we touch." He faltered on the last word, and dizzying realisations swept through me.
Dameon loved me.
How much he must have suffered! What torment must have accompanied each time he felt my feelings for Rushton bubbling from my uncontrolled emotions! I remembered with a pang of dismay the number of times Dameon had counselled me not to abandon Rushton, and what that must have cost him.
"Stop, Elspeth, please! I can feel your every emotion running through me. I cannot bear it that you pity me. You never once pitied me, or saw me as a lesser man because of my blindness; do not pity me now!" his voice became haggard. "Now that I have all but used my Talent to molest you." His breathing became hard, as though he were fighting back tears.
I was swamped by the ugly cloud of his self loathing. Some part of my brain registered that Dameon must have weak latent coercive abilities. He had enthralled me. But the emotions had felt like my own…
I became dimly aware of another truth – I could easily have loved Dameon, if I had truly known the depths of his terrible bravery. If Rushton and I had not come first.
I could not fathom the depths of pain and despair the empath must be feeling. And it was I who had wounded him, or at least, I was the weapon he had wounded himself upon. And what could I do now, I asked myself scathingly – whenever I had faced emotional turmoil in the past, I had always turned to Dameon's advice, his strength. I cursed myself for my uselessness.
Then I remembered what Dameon had bade me do when Rushton's love for me had been his torturer.
I came forward to kneel beside the empath, whose shoulders were slumped in defeat.
"Dameon, I do not pity you." I said honestly.
He opened his eyes and seemed to look piercingly at me.
"I cannot understand how someone as noble and brave as you could ever love someone as foolish and blundering as myself. But I do know I have let you down. You have never let your feelings stop you from being a true friend when I had need of one, and where was I when you needed a friend to console you? I was busy being clumsy and ignorant. I am truly sorry, Dameon." I drew him gently into my arms again and placed his head on my shoulder. Stroking his hair, I waited to feel what he felt.
"Elspeth, no! I could enthral you again – I have not my usual strength…" Dameon trailed off helplessly.
"It does not matter, Dameon. You should not have to keep yourself from me. I love you." I began to imagine all the times Dameon had helped me, all his kindnesses, and allowed myself to feel all of my love and admiration for the empath guildmaster, knowing that he could feel it too.
He held me, face buried in my shoulder, and began to weep, gently. I felt a corresponding tear brimming at the corner of my eye.