Q vs. the Cellular Phone

A Fanfic by Agent0042, based upon characters from The Cat Who... series by Lilian Jackson Braun

Qwilleran, quite simply, loathed his cell phone. It was noisy (he still couldn't quite figure out how to set the "vibrate" feature), it was always ringing at inopportune moments, and Koko always produced a loud yowl whenever it rang when he was in range. The reception, naturally, was terrible -- imagine the hassles of trying to provide wireless phone service to a community 400 Miles North of Everywhere.

Qwilleran had just sat down for brief reading of Shakespeare's "Macbeth." The scene was set, he was ready, he was content...

"Rinnnnnggg!!!" There it was again, the dreaded sound. (He hadn't yet figured out how to turn the thing off, either.) "Yow!!!" wailed Koko from the nearby kitchen. "Ik ik ik ik" grumbled Yum-Yum from her perch atop the living room bookshelf. It was almost as if the two graceful Siamese knew something that Qwilleran didn't, and perhaps they did. Ever since he had received the infuriating gadget as a gift from Arch Riker, he had felt as if the vibrations he regularly received from his normally sensitive mustache had somehow dimmed.

"All right, all right," muttered Qwilleran as extracted the phone from his pants pocket and fumbled for the button that would allow him to take the call. More through sheer luck than anything else, he finally located it and switched it on.

"Hello?! Hello?!" shouted Qwilleran into what he hoped was the receiving end.

"Qwill! It's Arch Riker! I'm calling from the Something!"

Qwilleran gave a silent groan. Ever since Arch had given him the blasted thing, he had been using it to call him about assignments, none of which were to his liking. Nevermind that he essentially owned the area paper. The Moose County Something was regarded affectionately throughout the community for its mixture of both solid coverage of major news events, as well as the folksy flavor of Qwilleran's highly esteemed "Straight from the Qwill Pen" column. Qwilleran generally enjoyed his work, but lately he'd been suffering a bad case of writer's block, and he felt he knew the cause...

"Qwill, I've got a hot one from you," promised Arch. "A real thrill of an assignment."

"Okay, now I know you're buttering me up, Arch," grumbled Qwill. "Just give me the details..."

"All right, so here it is," said Arch. "First I want you to crackle crackle kzzzzzhh..."

"Arch!? Hello, Arch?"

But the connection had been lost. Qwilleran stared at the wretched thing in stark disbelief. He couldn't believe it. Well, he could, but he definitely didn't have to like it. And he knew he had about had it with the thing, but he wasn't sure what to do about it.

"Yow!" came another resounding command from the kitchen. As Qwilleran rose, he left the cellular phone sitting on his ottoman. It was just the move that Koko had been waiting for. Qwilleran, proceeding to the kitchen, completely missed Koko as he glided subtlely by and slipped into the living room. He pawed his way to the ottoman and stretched out a paw when...

Rinnnng!!!

YOW!!!! screamed Koko, jumping back. The noise sent Yum-Yum running. She darted over and managed to grab the cell phone with her strong Siamese teeth. The sound of the hated machine's ringing had also alerted Qwilleran, who stopped in midstride. "Yum-Yum!" he yelled. "Put that down!" But Qwilleran's cats never, ever took orders. Yum-Yum darted from the room, heading straight for one of her favorite hiding places. Qwilleran began to follow, but then, suddenly, stopped. This thing had caused him more irritation and aggravation then the advent of the computerized word processor. What was he doing... chasing after a cat who, after all, seemed to know what was best for him more clearly than he ever could? He turned around, went straight back to his chair, rested his feet on the ottoman, and resumed his reading.

Suddenly, Qwill felt a vibration on his upper lip. He didn't know how, but something was telling him -- things were finally all right. Everything was peaceful. Qwilleran could hear the sounds of nature. He sat back, relaxed, the company of two Siamese providing more contentment than all the technology in the world.

The End