The lights come up on the city of London, England. The year is 1846. A crowd of people have gathered in a Cemetary for the funerals of Sweeney Todd, Eleanor Lovett, Beadle Bamford and Judge Turpin.
Undertaker: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the lives of Sir Judge Turpin and Beadle Bamford, and rejoice in the deaths of Mr. Todd Sweeney -
Random Chorus Member: SWEENEY TODD YOU FAT IDIOT!
The Undertaker glances down at his stomach, self-consciously trying to suck it in. He clears his throat and continued.
Undertaker: Uhhh...of Mr. Sweeney Todd and Ms. Eleanor Lovett. So...
Chorus Member 1: LOOK! IT'S GLINDAAAA!
The lights fade on the Cemetary and rise to show a sparkly bubbe floating downwards, in which stands Glinda the Good Witch.
Glinda: It's good to see me, isn't it?
Half the Chorus: YEEEEEEES!
Random Chorus Member: No, not really!
Toby: Not really, wer'e at a funeral you blonde bitch!
Glinda: Uhhh...Anyway...uhhh...
There is an awkward silence.
Anthony: 'Tis indeed an AWKWARD TURTLE!
The Von Trappe kids from the Sound of Music rush on. They are all dressed in white and gold Greek-Style clothing. They will act as a Greek Chorus.
Liesl: (to the tune of the Sweeney's in The Ballad of Sweeney Todd): Awkward, awkward, awkward, awkward TUUUUUURTLEEEEE!
The shrill whistle sounds.
Louisa: Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd
He was far too pale and extremely odd
He slit the throats of gentleman
And sent them down to be baked by a whore...
Tobias: HEY!
Anthony: SHUT UP!
Friedrich:
He shaved the faces of Gentlemen,
Who got ate and pooped out by clients of them...
Tobias: WORST. RHYME. EVER!
Glinda: Heh-loooo! Can I puh-lease have your ah-teeeen-tion?!
A drum magically appears in Tobias's hand. He begins to bang to the tune of Pirelli's Miricle Elixir.
Tobias: Ladies and Gentlemen, can she have your attention puh-lease?
Do you want to know what the heck's going on,
For this funeral's taken a sinister turn?
And I bet you're all scared.
Well, gentleman Sweeney and mum are about to rise straight from the dead...
Glinda: Can't we just sing instead?
Toby: No.
'Cos they're ghosts now
Mum'll give you a row
If you don't be quiet
So shut up.
Glinda:
I don't want too
See a bunch of spirits
Ghosts are freaking scary
YOU shut up!
Anthony:
AAAAH!
Glinda: But they cana't come back to life!
Anthony: Why not?
Glinda: Because...
She takes a deep breath
No-one mourns the Wicked!
No-one cries they won't return!
No-one lays a lily on their grave!
The good man scorns the Wicked
Through their lives our children learn -
Toby: I'm too young to have children!
Anthony: You're nineteen!
The Von Trappes: But he acts like he's seven...
Toby: LOOK! Up there!
Glinda: Oh, is it Mr. Todd?
Toby: NO! WOOOOORSE! It's...Its...
A giant Panda bear with a tennis racket bounces onto the stage and swats Toby, Anthony and Glinda on the butt, the nexits the other side of the stage.
Glinda: WHAT THE HELL?!
Toby: YOU SAID A BAD WORD!
Johanna: I'm scared...
Anthony: SOMEBODY CATCH THAT BUTT-SWATTING PANDA!
Panda's voice (off-stage):
I like big butts and I cannot lie!
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in
With an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face...
Pirellis ghost runs in.
Pirelli: I get FEEEEELINGS!
Toby: I thought you were gay.
Pirelli bursts out crying.
Pirelli: It was supposed to be a secret!