On Pairings: Zelda
Chapter 1: NavixLink
Due to popular demand, (Well, from people in Bunch A' Zelsa RPs anyway...) here it is! The infamous start to what's bound to be a popular Fic, "On Pairings: Zelda!" We're going to discuss all sorts of pairings here! Well, stupid ones anyway! From SariaxLink (Pedophilia) to MalonxLink (Raunchy farm-girl no-no) to NavixLink (...I don't even know what to make of this one), if you dislike Romance in fics, or think that there's some really stupid pairings out there, you'll love "On Pairings: Zelda!"
Every episode of "On Pairings" I will take a few guest stars from the Forum "Bunch 'A Zelsa RPs" and make them come to the On Pairings Studio. There, we will discuss said pairing in lunatic style!
Today's guest-stars will be... Skatare-Din, Imagination's Dream, and Pikmin-Manga-Nayru! Give it up for them! Okay, not really. Because none of you care about them. You all came to see LostInHyrule! Your great and talented host, talk about stupid Zelda Pairings! So, since that's what you came for, let me tell you a bit about myself... okay, not. That's not what you can for. What you came for was to hear me bash pairings to my heart's content. Or your eyes content. Whichever comes first.
DISCLAIMER: If you are some mild-mannered, romance loving, hippie peace-freak who enjoys reading Zelda Romance, flee for your life right now. You will hate this fic so bad, you will most likely flame it. I welcome flames! I really do! But not from people who actually like romance. Also, if you like fics that aren't stupid, you're also out of luck. THIS FIC IS MAXIMUM STUPID! That's the disclaimer. No, the disclaimer isn't going to talk about how I don't own Zelda. How do you know I don't own Zelda? For all you know, I might own Zelda. -Sigh- But alas, I don't own Zelda. Nintendo does. There! I said it! Happy!? Good! Wait... you're not happy? Well, you will be after reading this chapter of "On Pairings: Zelda!"
Let the story commence!
LostInHyrule: "Hello, my guests! Skatare-Din, Imagination's Dream, and Pikmin-Manga-Nayru! Tell me, why are you here at the "On Pairings Studios?" What drives you to hate NavixLink as much as me?"
Skatare-Din: "Hello Lost! What's up?"
LostInHyrule: "Not much, not much. How are you? Don't' answer that. I don't care. Just answer my previous question."
Skatare-Din: "Well, I think most anyone will agree with me that Navi is a huge nag! I don't think anyone wants to hear about Navi's thoughts or needs... even if they were married to her!"
LostInHyrule: "So the first bad issue with NavixLink is that a guy with rugged good looks – and a hook nose – gets a nag!"
Imagination's Dream: "Um... don't' forget they're different species!"
LostInHyrule: "Yes, we mustn't forget that. She's also Psycho!"
Skatare-Din: "She should be put in rehab!"
LostInHyrule: "Rehab? No, that's where you put people on drugs. Navi goes to the Asylum. Wait... how do we know Navi's not on drugs? She might be. That could explain her random fits of nagginess. Or it could be that she's telling the truth about having Stupid-Naggy-Syndrome."
Imagination's Dream: "So now we think she's a liar too? Maybe we should cut her a break... OR NOT!"
LostInHyrule: "Maybe you should head to the Asylum with Navi there, Imagination's Dream. Who I will refer to as ID from now on. And I've been thinking... I'll write a beautiful love story between Link and Navi! But it will end in tragedy..."
"And Link leaned closer to his little fairy girlfriend on the beach. Her warm breath smelled rancid in his face, but he didn't care. He leaned in to kiss her, and closed his eyes... He inhaled... and started to choke! He fought and fought, and he was eventually able to swallow. He turned back to Navi... but she wasn't there! He thought she had ran away from him. He was very sad.
Link slept very poorly that night. He thought his girlfriend had run away. He was very sad. He was going to go out and look for her, but he knew he had to use the bathroom first."
He quietly, sadly, slumped to the bathroom, where he promptly took a crap. He found her digested carcass in the toilet."
Pikmin-Manga-Nayru: "Sniff. That was really beautiful."
LostInHyrule: "You've been rather quiet, Pikmin-Manga-Nayru. Who I'll call Manga from now on. What are you thinking about?"
Pikmin-Manga-Nayru: "Nothing."
LostInHyrule: "I'm not surprised. Anyway, ID, what are your thoughts on this?"
Imagination's Dream: I could make a NxL work! It will be horrible, but it shall work!!! Muawhahahahaha my creation will crush towns! Burn houses! And scare the crap out of all!! Muwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!! The NxL will be my first step towards world domination!!!!"
Skatare-Din: "Back to the Asylum for you."
Imagination's Dream: "I don't have a problem!"
Skatare-Din: "Bye! Get sane soon!"
Imagination's Dream: "Sadly, Skatare, sanity is something I have yet to learn the meaning of, and" -looks at man in white coat that has come to take her to the Asylum- "I was joking! Gosh!" -Watches man in white coat walk away sadly-
Captain-Tonks-Ferore: -Climbs out of seats- "Let me on the show! I have an idea for a NavixLink story! Completely realistic!"
LostInHyrule: "Okay... Shoot! But do it quick, before the security guards come take you away."
Captain-Tonks-Ferore: "Okay, here it is...
Link and Navi are going fishing on their honeymoon. Navi sits down next to the box of tackle and bait, and watches Link fish dreamily. Then, Malon, very jealous, runs up and knocks Navi into the box of tackle and bait, rendering her unconscious! Link absent-mindedly skews Navi on the hook, and throws it into the water. Link feels a bite only moments later! He starts to pull up on the rod, and gets closer and closer... but the fish gets away! Link's very sad. He pulls up his fishing rod, and half of a Navi is on the hook! He knows his wife has been eaten by a Hylian Loach. He doesn't care; he gets with Malon, goes to Vegas, and lives a fun life."
LostInHyrule: "Bravo! Sounds very good! Does anyone else have any ideas?"
Pikmin-Manga-Nayru: "Oh I've got one!
LostInHyrule: "Fire away!"
Pikmin-Manga-Nayru: "Okay...
Navi and Link go on a camping trip, and when they are roasting marshmallows. Navi cuddles up near Link and falls asleep happy. Then Link accidently puts her on the stick and roasts her!"
LostInHyrule: "You guys all have sick minds. I like it!"
Imagination's Dream: "I will use NavixLink to rule the world!"
LostInHyrule: "Elaborate."
Skatare-Din: "Yes, please, elaborate."
LostInHyrule: "You have no idea what elaborate means, do you?"
Skatare-Din: "Not a clue."
Imagination's Dream: "I will write a NavixLink story seriously, broadcast it all over the world, and then wait... for everyone's eyes to bleed! Then, with their eyes crusted over in blood, I will strike with my army of insane people and rule the world!"
LostInHyrule: "Good idea ID! I'll remember to laugh at you when you fail!"
Imagination's Dream: "Thank- hey!"
Pikmin-Manga-Nayru: "Or, he could get married, be nagged to near-death, and then hire an assassin to kill Navi!"
Skatare-Din: "But if they were married, wouldn't Link "love" Navi?"
Pikmin-Manga-Nayru: "Hmm... good point..."
LostInHyrule: "I don't think anyone would marry Navi on purpose. It would have to have been a pre-arranged marriage."
Skatare-Din: "Very true!"
Imagination's Dream: "Or a cruel, sick joke. Or something done for the better good."
LostInHyrule: "I think you mean 'for the greater good.' Oh no! I just said something communist! I'll have to flee the country now!"
Imagination's Dream: "Did I tell you about this horrible pairing I came across in a forum once?"
LostInHyrule: "Tell me as the closing words for this chapter, as this is a NavixLink chapter and I must flee the country."
Imagination's Dream: "GanondorfxLink!"
Skatare-Din: "The horror!"
LostInHyrule: "I just booked my plane ticket to Russia. See you guys later!"