If could you, would you?

by Annie loves it

Little Eiri, if you had a chance, a choice to go back in time and stop yourself from going to sensei’s study, stop yourself from pulling that trigger, would you? You have that chance, all that’s left now is for you to decide.

Disclaimer: I do not own gravitation.
Title: If could you, would you?
Rating: T
Genre: angst/drama/some supernatural things.
Warning: Total OOCness…maybe, I don't know, you decide.
Summery: Little Eiri, if you had a chance, a choice, to go back in time and stop yourself from going to sensei's study, stop yourself from pulling that trigger, would you? You have that chance, all that's left now if for you to decide.

If could you, would you?

Yuki's narrow eyes glared at the bright and empty page of his laptop. All day he had sat there, all day he had been locked in his study, but nothing was typed. He was without flow, without muse and without sanity.

Why you may ask? Today was the day. Seven years ago, on this very gloomy day was the day, and it was haunting him to a point more then simple distraction.

It replayed over and over again in his mind in a foggy image; nothing was clear and it all was spinning and swirling. The events he could recall in his mind he wasn't even sure they were real. What was and what wasn't he wasn't sure.

Finally with a defeated sigh, he pulled off his glasses, resting his head in folded arms.

What would you do? Dear child, what would you say if you could make it all right again? Would allow yourself to live through the brutality of being raped and humiliated again and again by the one you loved oh so dearly? Would you allow the feel of those hands that were dry and disgusting and sickening slide over your body while you screamed and begged for them to stop to live life as it is now? Or would you go back, change all that was, fix it and make it better. Is your life perfect now? Or could it be better?

Eiri closed eyes only cursed him more with the memories, the degradation of being betrayed. It hurt so bad to remember, and in his heart he longed so much for it to stop. He longed for it have been different.

The air was suddenly cold, causing a quick shiver to run along Eiri's spine. The hair's on the back of his neck and arms and legs stood to attention.

'But what about Shuichi?'

"Eiri! Wake up! You'll be late!" Eiri rolled in his bed, grabbing the pillow and pulling it over his head in hopes of avoiding who ever the hell it was for just "five more minutes". 'Pillow…? Wasn't I at my desk…?"

"Eiri I said now! You have lessons today!" It was Tohma in a distant. His voice was recognizable anywhere In an instant, covers came flying off of Eiri's body, a wave of cold air hitting him. Hands grabbed Eiri's shoulders in attempt to shake the boy up.

"Get up sleepy head," laughed the other, "your breakfast will be cold if you don't move it." Eiri then heard the retreating footsteps of the person trying to wake him and then a slam of the door, signaling Tohma had left.

Eiri stayed still in the bed. He let his arms travel around the soft mattress and sheets.

'This isn't my bed…where am I?' curiosity getting the better of him, Yuki sat up in the bed, looking around.

'Oh holy hell…' this was a joke! Some sort of sick twisted cruel joke! There was no fucking possible way he could be-

But he was. A sick feeling spread from his stomach through his body. The urge to vomit was strong, but he held it in. The room was bright from the natural lighting of the sun from the window. The wall was plain white, posters of movies and such littering them. Clothes all over the floor, a closet to the far right, a desk and a full length mirror next to that.

Eiri stumbled over the blankets trying to get out of the bed in a swift movement, landing hands and knees on the floor. Quickly he scrambled to the mirror, standing before it in disbelief and awe.

"No…no fucking way. This is impossible!" He was wearing white pajama bottoms with a matching button up shirt. His blonde short hair was tossed in different directions. He rubbed his eyes with his hands, looking at the image again.

He couldn't believe it. Just couldn't...

"I'm sixteen..."

The fear and the sickness in his stomach was more evident now. This was a sick joke his mind was playing on him.

He wanted to scream and shout for help, wanted to wake up suddenly at his desk with the blank computer screen flashing brightly in his blind eyes. Yet his voice was lost and hopes were futile. He couldn't escape.

Eiri stood still, just looking himself over. He finally understood.

He had finally cracked.

He was insane.

'Would you happen to know what day it is, even in your insanity little Eiri?'

Oh yes. The voices had started. He was insane.

'Foolish boy. It's the day you "lost everything" because of innocent Kitazawa- sensei. I've done so much for you and for so many other people in life, yet you take it all for granted. Seeing as how I can't make you happy, I'm going to grant your wish. You have a choice to make. Are you going to pull the trigger when the time comes? Remember, one small change of the past will alternate you future. Choose things you do wisely.'

Eiri looked around the room for the source of the voice, finding no one.

Everything was scary, so surreal and odd. It was more then your average déjà vu feeling.

"Who…who are you?"

'I am he who never had a name, I am one whom no one will know, and I am the one has now given you the choice to change the course of time. I brought you back in time to re-live your pathetic life the way you want, because you are a selfish bastard. Therefore I thought I might let you make things work out how you want it to work out.

Relive. Looking around yet again, Eiri gave in. He had a chance, a choice, to stop it all! All these years…seven to be exact, it's all Eiri wanted.

An eerie, creepy smile crawled on his face as he stared down his reflection. Yes...

"Why now? Why did I have to wait so long?" Eiri asked smiling brightly, Great thoughts rushed through his mind. A future, a much brighter future…with Yuki…

'That you will figure out when the time comes. But remember my words boy; choose wisely the steps you take. Each footprint sets a new course.'

Eiri sat on his bed, grabbing the blanket and wrapping it tightly around himself.

"You're making this sound like such a bad thing. Why wouldn't I stop Yuki from…screwing up? What bad could possibly come from that?" Eiri asked in almost a joking kind of voice. His heart was filled with a sick contentment which made him glow in a dark happiness. It was a happiness that didn't feel pure or right, it felt sadistic and mental.

'Shuichi Shindou. Ring a bell or two?' asked the mysterious voice.

Eiri rolled his eyes. The ape with the crappy lyrics he met while strolling one night. Although he admitted the brat was good for a lay or two.

'You have to decide Eiri. Its all in your choice. Its either you get Yuki, or Shuichi. When I told you that I made many people in life happy, I meant it was through you. In order for greatness to achieve others, something of loss must be in return. It's the balance of nature, the fact of life. So it all comes down to this. You're going to start over and relive the next seven years of your life. You can decide what you want to do.'

Eiri thought about this, in fact he has many other times too. What would have happened if he hadn't pulled the trigger Shuichi wise; it was always a thought on his mind.

His smile grew darker. Oh well.

"Eiri!" Tohma yelled from downstairs of the New York apartment.

"I'll be down in a minute!" Eiri yelled back.

Sighing, Eiri laid on the bed.

'Don't you want to know what happens to Shuichi?'

Eiri rolled his eyes.

"Sure, why not. What happens to the little punk?"

'…Nothing good to say the least. Come, I will show you.'

Another breeze of cold air swirled around him, making him dizzy. In an instant his body was floating weightlessly in the night sky, a city full of lights and sounds miles below him.

'Look closely, down there, by that music store Shuichi always loved to buy CD's from.'

Eiri found himself standing in front of the cash register looking at a man no younger then twenty-nine, humming along to some music that played quietly through speakers. He was wiping down the glass counter top and swaying his hips with a content smile on his lips.

"Shuichi…" Eiri called out for the boy, but was given no response.

'He can't hear, feel, or see us. This is Shuichi if you never met him. That night at the park, when you insulted his lyrics, you gave him courage and a rush that kept him going towards the world of music. But seeing as how you never met him and decided to live your life with Yuki Kitazawa, Shuichi wasn't given that drive. He eventually gave up, after Hiroshi Nakano decided it was just best for his own self to go to medical school. The two haven't even spoken to each other since. Nakano-san is a world-famous pediatric oncologist and Shuichi is just a poor lonely person trying to make ends meat. Shuichi never falls in love in his life without meeting you. He is depressed, lonely and scared, but will go over his means to help others in need. Just like he did to try and help you.'

Eiri felt a twinge of pain in his heart, looking at pink haired man. But he quickly rid himself of it.

"Hmph, it's his own damn problem." The young Eiri muttered.

'Well if that doesn't convince you, maybe its time to see what your sister is up to, shall we?'

"Whatever." The sooner Eiri got through this, the sooner he could live on with his life, living it right. Just how it should be.

'-Sigh- how selfish of you.'

Eiri soon found himself standing in the threshold of a bedroom. Eiri instantly recognized it as a home in Kyoto, a home that belonged to a monk who his father knew very well.

"What business has my sister here?" asked Eiri, looking around.

'You see, there were two reasons Tohma and Mika married; one being so Tohma could get closer to you and make sure you were fine, and two, so Mika wouldn't have to marry an old monk. When you never killed Yuki, Tohma found no urge to have to get any closer to you, for you two remained great friends. So Mika never got a choice but to marry the "old monk". Now watch and see the hell your sister must pay for selfishness.'

Eiri frowned at the voice's choice of words; "the hell your sister must pay" bothered him, just adding on slightly to the way he felt about Shuichi's fate.

The sound of breaking glass and a scream caught Eiri's attention. Turning to the hallway, he watched as his older sister fell to the ground, clutching her head.

"Mika!" Eiri yelled, running in attempt to help her.

'Stop, there is nothing you can do…just watch.'

Eiri stopped in his tracks and looked down at his whimpering sister; she looked so old. The dark bags under her eyes, the gray streaks of hair that blended with the brown, bruises graced up and down her face. But the thing that caught Eiri by surprise most was the tears, his sister's tears. She looked cowardly; something that also was not a characteristic of his once beautiful sibling. Even the white kimono seamed to make her look less attractive, when yet, as a younger woman when she wore it she looked so glowing.

Looking up Eiri saw the old Monk he guessed to be Mika's husband. His hands were balled into fists and he looked angry.

"You witch! For so long we have tried to have a child, and when we finally do not only was it a girl, it failed to be able to survive! It's your entire fault!" the monk yelled as he swung his foot at the crumbling woman on the floor.

Eiri turned away. He couldn't watch this anymore; to see his sister at the mercy of another like this was painful.

"Who ever you are…take me away from here. I want to see no more." Eiri begged with a whisper.

'Sadly child, we have more to see. You still do not know how much of an effect you have on people yet.'

And with another quick breeze of wind, Eiri stood in front of his praying brother at the temple. His brother was alone, in the dark of night praying.

Eiri strained and listened to the words, but could hear none.

'He prays for good fortune, he prays for the slightest ray of happiness and he prays for his sister. And most of all he prays for you. Even though he envies you in this time in everyway, he prays for you.'

"And why, would he do that?" Eiri asked, not taking his eyes off of his kneeling brother.

'Because, even though you are happily in love with another, and even though you were able to escape the duties of the temple, even though you have so much more then Tatsuha would ever have, and even though you treat him terribly, hate him, and don't care that your sister is being so abused, he still cares for his older brother.'

"Wait a minute, who said I didn't care? And isn't he dating that annoying singer he's always drooling over?"

'Well, dear Eiri, if you had never shot Yuki and remained happy, over time your sister, brother and you would have had a huge fall out, leading yourself to separation from the family. In which Shuichi would never introduce Ryuichi to Tatsuha.'

"A fight over what?" asked Eiri, watching his brother stand and walk outside the open sliding doors, gazing at the stars.

'You and Tohma of course.'

Eiri's eyes widened in surprise.

"Me and Tohma!" Eiri asked.

'Yes. Come I must show you, we are nearing our last moments together before you must make your choice.'

Eiri stood in front of a window of a large, expensive looking house. Inside he saw a dark room, but the light of the high moon let him see the shapes inside. Squinting his eyes, he saw himself standing topless in front of a mirror. It was he, but then again, it wasn't him. When Eiri was older, he knew he had narrow, cold hard eyes, but yet, now they were wide and young as always. The only hint that he was a much older version of Eiri was the fine lines of age and the hardened face that graced him.

Eiri watched as his much older self looked into the mirror, frowning at the sight before him. The doors to the room opened, and if Eiri's eyes were right, he was sure it was Tohma.

The keyboardist made his way towards the older Eiri, wrapping his arms around him from the back.

"What is wrong, Eiri-kun?" asked Tohma in the same voice he always did. No matter his age, Tohma still managed to send chills up his spine with that scary voice.

The older Eiri glanced sadly down, not answering and turned to rest his head in Tohma's chest.

Young Eiri could no longer watch, he pushed himself away from the window, falling to the grass meters bellow him. He was sick to his stomach and his head was spinning.

"Where is sensei? Where is Yuki! Aren't I supposed to spend the rest of my life with him? Aren't I supposed to be happily in his arms?" Eiri shouted, while crying. It was too much.

'Nope, not at all. Your love for Yuki Kitazawa was a teenage crush. It happens too many. You two loved for a while, but then the time came for you to go back to Japan, away your beloved Yuki. You had no choice but to move on.'

Eiri pulled his legs to his chest, pushing his knees hard against his eyes in order to cease his crying.

'Do you finally see the affect you have on people Eiri? Is it now that you see? You have a choice to make Eiri. One way is the way in which life was intended to be. If only you could understand that in the line of life that you have, you could be so happy with Shuichi. Everyone would be happy. But you're too selfish and stubborn to let go of the ghost of your precious Kitazawa. You have so much that you care so little for; did you know that maybe if you tried to care for Shuichi, good could come of such? You can't love someone unless you try to damn it!'

Eiri shook his head side to side while shivering in the cold. The damp grass under his feet only made things worse.

"But I don't care about Shuichi! He's annoying, and stupid, and- and he's a brat who has zero talent! I love Yuki Kitazawa!"

'You're following a stupid teenage crush for a corpse you fool!'

"No! I'm not! I won't kill Yuki! I love him, I love him, I-"

'Your other option is you could live happily ever after with Tohma Seguchi, let your sister be beaten to death by age of thirty five, your older brother waist away in misery, and Shuichi, oh what will happen to him is even worse. He will lose his voice! His will to sing, to love, to live! He will die with out you Eiri Uesagi! Without you two together life can not be a place of joy for others you selfish arrogant bastard!'

Eiri continued to shake his head.

"I…I love Yuki Kitazawa."

"Eiri…Eiri-kun you need to wake up. Lessons are canceled till later tonight, but you and I have things to do Eiri-kun." Tohma whispered softly, waking the sleeping boy.

xxxxxx

Eiri sat in the corner frightened as he watched his beloved sensei pocket ten dollars. This was it, no turning back.

"Yuki, I'm home!" cried the pink haired singer slamming the door. Eiri made no attempt to move as he continued to type- more like try to type, writers block was a bitch.

He felt two thin arms wrap around him, knowing it was Shuichi.

"Go away, I'm busy brat." Snapped the writer.

"No you're not Yuki. You haven't typed a word." Shuichi said, pointing to the screen.

"Besides I thought you could use a brake, see! I brought you some strawberry shortcake!"

Young Eiri smiled to himself at that memory as the two thugs came closer. The brat did cheer him up at times…

Eiri looked at the gun that hanged loosely from the pocket of jacket the man above him wore. As the other began to remove his cloths, he blindly reached for it.

"Yuuuuki! Happy birthday! I love you! See! Its written on the cake I made for you!" Yuki looked down at the cake, if that's what you could call it. The dangerous concoction looked liked like a blob ready to explode; strawberry frosting piled high on the top of "it" while the letters where messily written "I luv u! Happy Bday!".

"No way in HELL I'm eating that!"

Eiri ran his left hand over the gun while the other two men ran their hands over him. The man that owned the gun noticed Eiri's wondering hand and began to rid himself of it. Eiri knew it was now or never.

Sometimes self sacrifice is truly the way of less pain. It can truly be the way of freeing yourself and others. This act of selflessness is something so many beings are without; therefore its rareness makes it all the more cherish able. No one can deny this ultimate statement, for the act of self sacrificing is truly the un-buyable gift to be given. No wrapping involved, no price to be exchanged, it is the one and only present that will really last forever, even beyond the Day of Judgment.

"Yuki Eiri, I love you…"

-Bang- Thug number one is dead.

"Yuki! You're so mean! Eh, but I love you anyway."

-Bang- thug two was dead.

"I'll always love you Yuki…"

Eiri aimed his gun at the man he loved most in this world. The drunken Yuki looked at the young Eiri with fear in his eyes.

'Do I love you too, Shuichi? I don't know. I don't think so. But…if I don't do this, I don't think I'll ever know…' Eiri thought.

To allow yourself to feel that degradation over once more, for the sake of someone you love so dearly is a true act of love.

Should he? Should he pull the trigger? Should he become a killer, all over again? Shuichi's violet eyes graced the image in Eiri's mind.

Self sacrifice is normally a great price to pay, but since it is for the sake of others, it is so very rewarding.

-bang-

"See you in six years Shu…"

'Good choice Eiri.'

"Yuki! I'm home! Sorry I was late!" Eiri sat up with a start, feeling a pain in his back and neck. The glow of the screen on his laptop was brought to life at Eiri's sudden movement that made him bump the mouse.

It was…a dream.

"Yuki? Where are you?" Shuichi opened the study door. "There you are!" Shuichi squealed excitedly. Shuichi walked over to Yuki and planted himself in his lap, wrapping his arms and legs around the older body.

"I love you Yuki!"

Eiri smirked slightly at this. He might not love Shuichi now, but maybe he would. Turning back to his screen, reading the few words written there. Smiling, he looked at Shuichi.

"The names Eiri." Shuichi looked at Eiri with confusion. But Eiri just kept smiling.

The few words on the computer screen sat there, without a movement, only a meaning.

'Good choice Eiri Uesagi.'

Yuki

End

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