THIS STORY INCLUDES A LOT OF DARK THEMES, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO DEPRESSION, SUICIDE, AND SELF HARM. This story is supposed to lead up to Maya's suicide attempt in season 3, where she was in an incredibly dark place. This is definitely shown through the story, mostly in the form of intense and confusing dreams that touch heavily on themes that may trigger or make certain people uncomfortable. Please keep this in mind before reading! And please review this video after you watch it! Enjoy!
Ever since the bus crash, dreaming for Maya had become more than just something that happened when she was asleep. Her brain was constantly dreaming, constantly coming up with scenarios to agonize over, memories reincarnating themselves, ways she is failing and will fail in the future… She wasn't in reality. Her whole life was a waking nightmare. She was trying everything her body and mind willed just to feel. She had no idea that life could be this painful, even when there was nothing physically wrong.
Often she found herself lying in bed at 4am digging her nails into her skin, trying to imagine an alternate reality where there was a good reason for her to be in this much pain. Something to really make her sadness and inability to go through life with a smile pasted on her face, excited about a future that would probably just get worse and worse.
She thought about Grace. She felt so guilty when she found herself jealous of her friend, who had a disease that handed her a death sentence before her 50th birthday at least. But her jealousy raged. She wished she had death dangling over her head, Maya wished she was one lung infection away from not having to be on earth anymore. And the way that horrible, unspeakable feeling mirrored a girl being jealous because her best friend stole her boyfriend or something. it just made Maya feel more and more like she shouldn't be wasting oxygen.
These thoughts, the reminders of how dark Maya's mind had gotten, snapped her into reality, a place she didn't often visit lately. But in front of her was her mother, standing in front of her with a cup of steaming hot tea and a tiny cup that held a couple of pills. She looked up at her mother, noticing the wear and wrinkles on her face that usually weren't there. Was she just as tired as Maya? She wondered, for a moment, if she wasn't alone.
"Did you hear me?" Her mother said, her voice soft and comforting. For a moment, Maya felt like comfortable again. Something she hadn't felt in a while.
"No, sorry, I was just… thinking about this song I've been working on. Can't quite get the bridge right." She fibbed. She knew if her mom thought she was writing again it meant she'd think Maya was on the mend. If Maya couldn't truly make her mom proud, at least she could bend the truth and make her mom at least a little hopeful. It was the least she could do. Maya had been a nightmare lately, even breaking her great grandmother's mirror, all because her mom was trying to help her and Maya just couldn't handle it. The least she could do was act like her brain still worked and she was still able to write songs.
"I was just saying that I have these meds your therapist prescribed you when you were having those bad nightmares a few years back. Remember, they helped you sleep through the night? I got in contact with your doctor and he said that these are still good and they might help you out. I know you haven't been sleeping much and I thought-" Maya reached out and grabbed the small cup that her mom was holding, causing her mom to cut off what she was saying in surprise.
"Thanks, mom." Maya said, trying her best to have a kind tone. An old Maya tone. "I'll take these." And honestly, part of her was feeling sort of hopeful. She took the pills to get her mom to stop worrying, but she did remember having decent nights of sleep when she had those horrible nightmares before, so if this could help, she was willing to try.
The reminder of those horrible nightmares brought out a few beasts that hadn't come into the equation in a while. Like Cam, that image of him on that railing, those details that she had cooked up in her brain when she learned that that was how his arm was broken… He said that he was just playing around, but when she learned how dark his mind was, how far he had gone to stop the pain he must have been in, she knew that he threw himself off that railing. So she now had this image in her head of the first boy she opened herself up to sitting on a railing, so desperate, so filled with anxiety and pain, throwing himself down, hoping to break a bone in his body just so he can feel something different. She imagined him there, she imagined Miles there, she even imagined herself there. That was going to be a rough nightmare, she knew it already.
But she took the pills along with the still steamy tea that her mom had brought. She placed a kiss on her mom's cheek before officially retreating to her bed, tasting remnants of her mom's night routine, which included a lavender-tasting lotion that was caked on her skin when Maya went to kiss it. Maya wished she had the energy to do stuff like skin routines and self care, but she barely found it in herself to brush her hair these days, let alone take care of her skin or pluck her eyebrows or any of that crap.
She opened up YouTube on her phone, loading an ASMR video on her phone that she had found to listen to. It was something she was trying to do, instead of watching death videos or rewatching Miles's Tristan update videos and pausing on shots of Tristan comatose, wishing she could trade places with him. She figured a video of a girl whispering, pretending to be doing a spa treatment on Maya was a lot healthier viewing. And it could make her pretend she was taking care of herself.
Holding the hot tea to her mouth, she breathed in and enjoyed the feeling of the warmth rising onto her face, as well as the smell of chamomile overwhelming her senses, causing her to calm for a moment. Which felt really, really good. She reached and grabbed the sleeping pills that her mom had given her and dropped them on her tongue, then brought the tea to her lips once again, taking a sip and swallowing the pills in one go. She really, really hoped that this would work. She hoped that she could just have a nice night of sleep with no nightmares and no tossing and turning. That would be a luxury at this point.
Maya put her headphones on and laid down in bed, turning off the lamp that was illuminating her room. She pressed play on the video that she had loaded and started listening to the girl who made the video discuss the products she was promoting in obvious whispered ads. She still felt a little tingly as she heard the way the whispers traveled through the microphone and landed in her ear, but she wished the ads were left out of it. Out of habit, Maya scrolled down and started reading the comments on the YouTube video.
She couldn't help it, she always had to scroll through and see what other people said about the video. Even though the comments seldom said anything important or interesting, it was just a habit she couldn't break. She read through a bunch of comments about how well people slept because of this video, something she hoped she could comment after tonight, a couple of gross comments where guys were talking about how hot the girl who posted the videos was, as well as a couple of explicit sexual comments, which almost lit up the feminist fire in her belly. But instead of creating a movement, she just reported the comments and continued mindlessly scrolling, barely hearing what the video was even saying at this point. It was just white next video she read hit her like a punch to the chest.
This video really helped me sleep. I had a really bad day and I know it's weird, but I had this spa date thing with my mom when I was like 12 because my sister was sick and my mom couldn't find anyone to go on such short notice so she took me, and I have to admit, even though I'm a 15 year old dude, I kind of love the idea of going to a spa. I can't think of anything more relaxing. I even bought this mask at the store and I'm gonna use it and listen to this video again and hopefully sleep through the night.
The name below that comment… Campbell Saunders. The date? March 22nd 2012. A month before he died. A month before he killed himself.
Reading this comment, hearing his voice in it, feeling Cam's presence for the first time in a long time… It overwhelmed Maya. It overcame her. She couldn't believe that Campbell had watched this exact same video. That he had commented on it. That she had come across it. It felt like this moment was orchestrated. Like it couldn't possibly be real. But it was. He really wrote that comment. And Maya was really reading it. Right now.
Her eyes began to get heavy as she continued to read and read the comments, now completely not listening to the video that was playing at all. She knew she'd have to replay this video and actually listen to it. Knowing that Campbell had affection for this video meant that if she listened to it, maybe she'd understand him more. And several years later, she was still admittedly desperate to know more about him. She wished she knew him now. Or knew what she knew now when she knew him.
Back then, she had no idea how depression could consume someone. The way she acted… she was so insensitive. She was awful. She couldn't help but feel like if she had been different, if she had been more sympathetic, more understanding, maybe she could have saved him. She had been told a hundred different times in a hundred different ways by a hundred different well-meaning people that his death wasn't her fault, which wasn't even something she had publicly expressed a lot, people just tended to assume that the young teenage girl whose boyfriend offed himself would probably have a lot of issues and maybe blame herself. Which… they were right, honestly. Maya did blame herself at times.
She didn't know at what point she had fallen asleep, but the transition had taken place, and her brain was overtaken by a dream so realistic, it felt like she was exploring another reality.
Now in a dream, she opened her eyes and examined her surroundings. It was confusing, in that uncertain and ever-changing dream way. One second the walls were from her bedroom, the next they were wobbling and began to resemble the halls of Degrassi. Her mind was still creating the scene that was going to play out, and she just stood and watched as the world created around her. The way Maya felt in a dream was unlike anything she could even begin to describe. She stood, or sat, or floated… She wasn't quite sure of what her status exactly was, but she knew she was existing, now, in the foyer of Degrassi Community School. A place she had stood so many times before that the exact details were pretty perfect. She looked around and saw familiar faces, ones she couldn't quite place, but they were definitely faces that were stored in her mind. There were flyers on the cork boards, including an ad for Whisperhug that she remembered from when she was a freshman.
Seeing something from her past like that made Maya's heart swell, and it brought her back to a simpler time. Freshman year. A warped, weird version of freshman year, but freshman year nonetheless.
She walked the halls of Degrassi, looking at her fellow students in Degrassi uniforms. The shirt colors were all there, yellow, purple, red and blue. She looked down and saw that she was wearing a blue shirt. But that would mean that she was a senior. She pulled at the shirt, confused, but it stayed blue.
"Hey!" A voice Maya hadn't heard in a while entered her ears. Tori Santamaria. Her friend who had disappeared after Freshman year. Another person who had abandoned her.
"Hey?" Maya responded, turning around and seeing that Tori was also wearing a blue shirt. Maya concluded that she was existing in some sort of reality where something happened that caused the uniforms to never go away, and Tori to stay at Degrassi. What else, Maya wondered, had changed? Was Tristan still in a coma? Was Zig still dating Esme? Was Cam still alive? Suddenly, she wanted to know everything about this universe. But the more she tired to think, the less things made sense. Dream logic. Unreliable and unexplainable. Which meant it was pretty un-explorable.
Tori suddenly turned away and when she turned back, she wasn't Tori anymore. She was Zoe Rivas. Zoe, Maya thought, had sort of replaced Tori in a way. She didn't want to reduce Tori or Zoe to being a best friend or a pawn in drama, but the things that happened with Zoe would have probably happened similarly with Tori, and there were times when Zoe's jealous and dramatic nature reminded Maya of a less-friendly, more calculating version of Tori. But now, Zoe was different. She wasn't the girl who poured her drink all over Maya in Paris as an attempt to sabotage Maya and prevent Miles from straying, which happened anyway. She wasn't the girl who cyber bullied Maya and caused Maya's anxiety to worsen and worsen. She wasn't even the sullen, angry girl who was dejected and looking for her place after she was exposed as the ringleader of Degrassi Nudes. Though in front of Maya, she saw all of those versions of Zoe flash before her eyes. Now, Zoe was the school president. And apparently a lesbian. Before she could figure out where she was or what was happening in the dream, Zoe was kissing her. Maya didn't pull away, she just let the kiss happen. Because again, even in her dreams, she was searching to feel something. But as Zoe's lips pressed against hers, she felt nothing. In fact, her mind was lost, wondering if the things Zoe did when the two girls were mortal enemies were because Zoe had a crush on her. Maya immediately dismissed the idea, though, diminishing herself and deciding there was no way that Zoe, or anyone had true feelings for her. Anyone who truly got to know Maya wouldn't like her after all, she thought.
For a few moments, she was pretty lost in her dream. For a moment, she was thankful that she wasn't having a nightmare, but then as soon as she thought that, as if she willed it, the dream took a darker turn. Suddenly, she was back in the Degrassi foyer, having the same recurring dream that she had so many times in the past. Cam was sitting on the railing overlooking the foyer, sweat and tears coating his face, which was scrunched up and red from crying, a look that Maya has been sporting way too often recently. The thought of herself caused her to be transported next to Cam, and in a freaky way that could only happen in a dream, she suddenly saw both herself and Cam sitting on the railing watched as she looked over to Cam, and it felt like she was watching herself in a television show or a movie. Maya wondered, for a moment, what Maya was going to say next. Which was crazy, because she knew she should know what she was going to say, but in a dream, things aren't so easy to comprehend.
"Don't do this." She heard herself say, and watched Cam look over in surprise, not noticing Maya's presence before.
"What are you doing here?" Campbell responded.
"I'm not sure." Maya was honest, and seemingly in control of what she was saying again. The way Cam looked at Maya caused something she hadn't felt in a long time. Her heart was swelling as she looked into Cam's eyes. She felt young again. She felt good again. She felt hopeful, like she could save him, like she could do or be anything, and change the course of her life and everyone else's life. She could fix everything. "I love you. Don't hurt yourself." Maya said suddenly, reaching over and kissing Cam's lips, feeling his lips.
They were so real. This felt so real. She wondered, for a moment, if everything she had experienced in the past few years had actually been a horrible, long dream and she was now in reality again. But as she watched Cam look at her with a vacant stare, not speaking because Maya's brainpower was going toward trying to figure out if this was reality rather than thinking up something romantic for Cam to respond with. She wished this were real. That she could really climb off of that railing and reach her hand out for Cam to climb down too. That she could stop him from jumping and hurting himself, that she could maybe even just convince him to leave Degrassi and go back home. He would've been happier with his family back home. He was never happy with Degrassi, or the Ice Hounds, or Maya. She looked down from the railing at the foyer and thought about jumping.
She then looked over to Cam, who was also still considering jumping. And in that moment, she realized that even after telling him she loved him, he was still looking down at the ground. His problem wasn't that she didn't tell him she loved him enough, it was that he was in pain. The same way Maya was now, since she too was looking down. Campbell suddenly jumped down and disappeared, transported elsewhere. With a combination of confusion, desire to jump and feel something scary and intense, and wonder about where Cam had suddenly been transported, she decided to jump too. And it wasn't until the last second, when her body was only inches from the floor and her heart was racing, that she too landed in a new location. She only knew this when she felt the falling sensation stop and she was overwhelmed by the comfort of her own bed once again.
Unsure if she was dreaming or awake, she observed her surroundings. It was definitely her room, but something felt weird. Maybe it was just the drowsiness of the sleeping pills, or maybe she was just in a daze. She wasn't sure. But she reached out and touched the blankets on her bed, and they felt pretty real. So far, there was no real way to know if she was awake or asleep. She heard her bedroom door open and she scrambled to pretend she was asleep. Many times she had been caught by her mother in the middle of the night, watching a video or doing something else other than sleeping, and the last thing Maya needed was another lecture. But when she peered at who had opened her door, it wasn't her mother. It was Cam Saunders. In the flesh. Looking… alive. "Is this a dream?" She asked.
"You tell me." He replied with a smile Maya had only seen on a few occasions. It was so good to see that smile. She hadn't really captured it in any photos, so it only lived in her memories. And apparently, her dreams. She situated herself in her bed and patted the unoccupied space next to her, eager to allow him to sit down and talk to her.
Her feelings about Cam Saunders were incredibly complicated. She loved him, in that first love sort of way. He was the first person she ever really allowed herself to be vulnerable with, which meant he was also the first person who broke her heart. And he really broke her heart. In one of the worst ways Maya thought was possible. It didn't get much worse or more final than ending your life to end a relationship. And it had definitely caused some trauma for Maya Matlin. There was no doubt about that. Despite those complicated emotions, she was still looking at him right now and wanting nothing more than to be close to him. To share a space with him and just feel his presence. She was so lonely. All she wanted was someone who understood her to be near her. And with the way Maya had been feeling lately, Cam felt like the only one who would truly understand her. And the person who Maya felt would understand her most in the world being dead said a lot about her state of mind.
He approached her and placed himself on the bed next to Maya. "So, how have you been since I died?" He asked, and a chill ran down Maya's spine. So it was that kind of dream, she thought. Not necessarily a nightmare, but still incredibly terrifying, since she was technically talking to a ghost.
"I'm… not in the best place right now." Maya replied, looking to Cam, whose face kept turning into Zig's as she tried to examine his features. The weird Cam-Zig hybrid just looked at her, changing and causing Maya's head to spin. "Obviously." Maya added.
"I've been watching over you." Cam said, decidedly Cam, for now. The words he was saying seemed like they were meant to be comforting, but the whole ghost factor as well as the voice in the back of Maya's head still wondering if she was dreaming, made the whole thing a bit creepy. "I've been watching you struggle, seeing you get through all of this stuff that I never would have made it through. I mean, I clearly didn't." Cam said, "You are so strong, Maya." He said, and Maya was trying to take in what he was saying, but she was honestly so distracted by Cam saying so many words she never heard him say before. When someone dies, you don't get to hear them say new things. You only have those words that you remember them saying, and unless you have videos or audio clips somehow, the bank in your head is pretty limited. Maya had a few videos that she watched on repeat, including the last one he ever sent to her before he died as well as a few hockey interviews, which had comments littered with condolences from people who never even met Cam, going on and on about how much potential he had and how handsome he was, completely disregarding the other stuff about him, like how much pain he was in, or the crime scene details of the report when was found in the greenhouse, which was made public knowledge for some reason that Maya never thought was fair to Cam's memory or the people who cared about him, who now had a mental image they could never shake.
"I'm not strong." Maya replied, but Cam shook his head, unwilling to accept what Maya was saying, but Maya persisted. "I'm not. I don't know if I can make it. I've been… really considering it." She said 'it' in reference to suicide for a reason she didn't quite know. It was just what came out. Was she really nervous about mentioning suicide to the guy who literally did it? Was she really treating this dream, this scene that she had completely crafted in her own brain, like a sensitive scenario that she needed to handle with care? She thought, for a second, about just breaking out. Turning the whole dream around and trying to find a way to have control. Maybe she could turn this thing into a sex dream about a hot celebrity. Though, her sex drive was pretty non-existent at the moment. And she couldn't really think about anything that would make her happy off the top of her head. Damn depression, she thought. Even in her dreams, she was stuck reliving the past and constantly thinking of what she could've done differently.
"You're strong because instead of doing.. .it," he said, going along with Maya's ridiculous choice to censor the word 'suicide', "You're getting through it. And you will. You're almost eighteen Maya. That's such an achievement." Cam said, and hope coursed through Maya's veins, suddenly causing her to feel like maybe she was doing something right. She had survived this long, right? So many people didn't, Cam included. So maybe that was a sign that she was going to get through this.
As her surroundings began to shuffle and Cam faded away, Maya smiled. The foyer of Degrassi reappeared around her, but this time she was back on the ground. She looked up and the railing was empty, thankfully. Maybe this time nobody would jump. Every time she walked through the foyer in real life she held her breath, and her dreams were no different. But the empty railing caused her to feel comfort. And for a moment, she felt her body in bed, with her muscles completely relaxed and her body covered by blankets. This dream had been a bit of a rollercoaster, but for once, she felt completely at peace. She looked around once again and saw the slightly familiar faces that she still couldn't quite make out. It was so strange the way her brain recognized these faces that were then saved into some sort of dream database, but she had no idea what the names or stories of these people were. In the crowd of people, one person that Maya definitely recognized stood out. It was her sister, Katie. The comforting feeling continued. Katie was one of the most important people in her life. And one of the best. There were very few people right now that Maya felt like she couldn't bare to let down, and Katie was one of them. She hadn't heard from her sister in a while, which was understandable, she was off being awesome elsewhere, and the last thing Maya wanted to do was make her sister miserable with stories of how much she was struggling.
She felt something suddenly press against her forehead. The feeling was more real than anything that she had felt in the dream, which made her suddenly open her eyes, surrounded by reality, or at least something that really resembled reality. She was still a bit groggy. Her eyes opened to see a dark figure on top of her. The feeling on her forehead suddenly stopped, and the sensation was replaced by a whispery breath.
"No, no, nugget. Stay asleep. I just wanted to check in on you when I got in. I love you." Katie's voice said softly. Maya was pretty sure she was in reality at this point.
Maya's eyes began to adjust to the darkness and she was able to see a rough outline of her older sister's face, up close and personal. Maya wanted to sit up and talk to Katie and figure out what was happening, but sleep was taking over her body. Those pills were clearly working. It had been a long time since she had felt so drowsy and unable to help from falling asleep. It was actually sort of a nice feeling. Her eyes fluttered shut as she watched Katie leave the room, closing the door softly behind her. Whether or not Katie was actually visiting or if she was still in a dream was something Maya was completely unsure about. But she was being dragged back into her dreams now, so there was no time to contemplate further.
"Are you okay?" Cam's voice intruded her ears suddenly. It bellowed loudly, taking her by surprise. Suddenly, his face was as close to Maya's as Katie's was a second ago. She was lying down, tied down somehow, unable to move, and Cam was standing over her, whispering into her face, letting his breath land on Maya's face heavily.
"Am I…?" She replied, "What?" She was completely confused.
What version of herself was she? Where was she? He sat down next to Maya and she looked down at where he landed, which had now transformed into her bed. It was dark, like it had been when she had opened her eyes a moment before. She still felt like she was tied down, though she didn't see any ropes holding her down. For a moment, the time she was brought into the kidnapping scheme with Gloria flashed in her head, and her surroundings were replaced with that creepy place she was being held in when she thought she was going to die, and Cam was replaced with Logan, the guy who had held her captive. She shut her eyes tightly, trying to get that image out of her head. The whole thing was some weird scheme to allow Gloria and Logan to run away together, but it didn't mean Maya wasn't terrified when she was in the dark and thought Logan was some kidnapper that she wasn't going to be able to escape.
When she looked around once again, Cam was back, and again, he asked if she was okay.
"What do you mean?" She replied, observing him and inviting him to sit on the bed again. She wished she had the control to just stay here, she wished her brain wouldn't wander and revisit and twist things. All she wanted was to stay here, with Cam, and talk to him. It wasn't something she could ever truly do again. "Am I okay with what?"
"I've been watching you." He said again, and she suddenly felt something come over her. She had experienced this exact moment in her dream before. But this time it felt different. More... sour. "What do you mean?" She said, again, trying to prod him to stop being so vague.
"You're not strong." Cam said, which completely contradicted what he had said before. The things he said that built Maya up. "You're just like me. The longer you resist it, the more you hurt the people around you. If I had just disappeared when I first started feeling bad instead of dragging it out and letting you start caring about me, it wouldn't have hurt you so badly. And maybe you wouldn't be like this. Like me." Cam said.
The shock of the things Cam said caused Maya to shoot awake. She sat up in her bed at once and turned her lamp on. There was no chance she was sleeping anymore now. The sight of Cam always spooked her, but this time it had really gotten under her skin. She reached over and grabbed the mug of tea that she hadn't finished, which was still a little bit warm, meaning she couldn't have been asleep for more than an hour.
She pulled her headphones, which were now coated with sweat due to the intense dreams Maya was having. She sipped the tea cautiously, still uncomfortable and on edge due to the many, many creepy things she had just experienced in her own head. The pills definitely helped her sleep, but they didn't ward off the nightmares quite like they used to.
At least now instead of graphic nightmares about the people she loved dying she was just having emotionally damaging cryptic dreams. Slightly better, she guessed. Though the words Cam said repeated in her head. Not the encouraging ones. The mean ones. She knew that those words were just her own thoughts, put through Cam's mouth, but the fact that he was the one saying it, he was the one encouraging her to end it all… It felt a lot more important.
Maya read over the comment that she had found that Cam wrote once again and attempted to comfort herself. She scrolled through YouTube, looking for something to cheer her up and stop her from thinking about dying, but nothing was appealing to her. It was hard to be interested in anything when it felt like nothing mattered. Why was she going to watch a ten minute video about a cafe that has cats that you can pet or a review of the newest Marvel movie when, at the end of the day, everyone was going to die unhappy and unsatisfied? She got out of her bed, searching for something else to distract her mind, when she decidedly sat down at her keyboard.
Grabbing the headphones she was using to listen to the YouTube video before, she plugged them in and turned the keyboard on. Maybe she could write something.
"Gotta pack my bags, leave my world behind." She sang softly, trying out a few different keys, liking the lyrics but not the music she was accompanying it with. She grabbed a notebook and wrote down the few words that she had. There was barely ever a time when she came up with any lyrics she liked, so she was going to need to document this one. "Take a different road, I know it's my time…" And for a while, she felt like she was doing something right. The words flowed out, and in under and hour, she had a fully written song. Last Exit. After playing the song through a few times, including very light whispery singing as to not wake up her mother or her sister, she felt comfort again. The comfort in a final decision. No more thoughts floating over her head, no more doubts or questions or wonders if she should do one thing or another, she knew exactly what she was going to do.
Last Exit was her goodbye, and as soon as she got the chance within the next few days, she had the plan of a lifetime. Or at least the plan to leave a lifetime.