The Nearness of You

By: Nena

AN:I do not own Gundam Wing.

"I'd like to make a difference." She said, staring at me with those eyes. She was quiet and humble, but not to the point where it effected her own judgment of herself. She was off-balanced, not quite in touch with humanity, almost angelic, but also not mediocre nor naïve. She was determined, mindful of others, charismatic when the time came. But sometimes, at night, she cries.

She twirls a piece of golden-brown hair between her fingers and stares innocently up at me, curious as to what I may be thinking, or what I might say. But she knows I never say anything, anyway. She's doubtful that way. Years of serving the needs of people greedy for life can do that to you though. I should know. I'm one of them.

She's got tired eyes. Tired of the world. Tired of people. Tired of working so hard.

She's ruthlessly worn down everyday. In many ways. Of course physically, with all the meetings and countless agendas of negotiative press conferences…'npc's' she calls them…and the lack of sleep is evident in the paleness that underlines her eyes every morning. But then she puts on her makeup, covers up her shame, and heads off to battle the masses. She harvests this shame, keeps it inside, always boiling with whatever meaning it is that she has to change the world, and when the moment comes for her to show it…she takes the lid off, and the world has the opportunity to see how vulnerable she really is. Of course they never take advantage of this openness…probably they can't handle seeing their queen's head held low…and they say it's part of her innocence. Why she's the one, after all. But they've never seen her cry the way I have. And so they keep on taking, refusing to believe they she may be weakened in any way…a selfish race. They're tearing her apart and they don't even know it.

And so I promised to keep her safe.

I'm not sure why. I have an idea of why, but that's something for another time…another place…another person altogether. And I do a good job of it, keeping her safe. I'm not saying I'm the best there is…but I'm the only person I trust. She agrees wholeheartedly with my every decision, because she trusts me with her life. She offered me more a long time ago. More of herself as a friend. But me, being who I am…or, rather, what I am…I saw no use for it. It wouldn't benefit her, and her benefit is everything.

That's starting to wear down too, so I've noticed. She has this flame…inside of her, that mesmerizes me, and makes me do things that I wouldn't normally do. She has this flame that spirals throughout her body, and it's enticing…unusual…something that I don't see in many people. Hers is especially luminescent. But the flame has dulled slightly…for whatever reason, I'm unaware. So sometimes, because I'm the only one there, she'll look at me for support. Some kind of hope, some kind of peace…something that she knows she'll get from me. I'm not sure what it is. But every time she finds me in the shadows, I'll look back at her, and she'll pause and search my face until she's found it. Sometimes it'll be in a glance, and sometimes she'll sit there and stare for five minutes. And it's not unnerving, as I thought it would be. Of course not to me…I could stare at people all day. It's what I was trained for. But her…no, she doesn't back down. She doesn't get teary-eyed, or blink rapidly, or get scared. She just stares. She's strong that way. And when she finds it, I'll see the resolve in her eyes, and the flame will heighten to the point where anyone in the room can feel it. But of course no one ever understands where it comes from.

Why I know these things is a mystery even to me. I can't say it's love, and I can't say it's like, and I can't say that it's not either. I can say that it's there, whatever it is.

"What are you thinkin' about so hard?" She says, and walks over to me, clad in a pale rose-colored dress-outfit. Her hips sway as she walks, and her arms swing at her sides loosely. She's relaxed. Finally.

"What are you thinking about so hard?" I repeat after her, and she smiles slightly. It doesn't reach her eyes.

"I want to make a difference." She states again, and I cross my arms over my chest and shift my weight in the shadows. Something flickers across her eyes before it is buried underneath the ashes.

"I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. About faith, hope, love…meaning behind life. About so many things. And I've come to the conclusion that it's all part of this huge master plan, this network behind God's genius, this intricate tapestry of thread. And I've figured that maybe…maybe I'm not doing things the right way."

I don't move, but inwardly I sigh. She has these ups and downs about twice a year, where she goes to try and 'find herself' a little more, find real meaning behind her work.

"You left over 17,000 people in the middle of your speech, just to come and tell me that."

She places her hands on her hips and cocks her head to the side, her long hair flowing along her back, and I see her annoyance at my impatience mar her delicate features. I don't care. I just don't care right now.

"Go." I say, and touch her arm to move her back out into the audience, but she snatches her arm away from me. She looks steadily up at me, anger emoting from her eyes, her arms behind her back. It affects me more than I thought it would.

"I want to make a difference!" She says louder this time, determined to make me understand. What does she want me to do?

"I want to know that when I die people will know what hope is. I want to know that when I die I've fulfilled my life to its fullest, every minute of every day. I want to know that I'll see my father again, that I'll see all of my friends in Heaven. I want to know that you'll be there, and Milliardo and Noin…I want to know that if I've done nothing else, I've done that for you! Helped you find your peace and your reasons, whatever they may be. I want to know that you know that I love you so much that it hurts sometimes, and I want to know that you understand that. I mean really understand it." She gasps quickly, before the tears fall down her face at her outburst, and I stand frozen.

She falls to her knees and angrily wipes the tears away, occasionally sobbing. I'm not sure what the look on my face is. I don't want to know. But I walk past her, in front of the window, and stare out at the sky. There's no way I could ever show her…what I feel. I don't even know what I feel. So much compassion bottled up in one person. To tell her that I love her wouldn't be completely honest. To not do anything would be even less honest. To know the difference…would be a miracle.

I can't give her what she wants.

Her sobs quiet to nothing, and it's just she and I alone, in this dark backstage with the audience outside in confusion. Just us…Relena, ever faithful. I don't know what to say, or how to say it. I'm so…worthless.

She touches my shoulder and I flinch away, angry with her. Angry at her for making me feel this way, for being so confused. For not having everything perfect and aligned, the way it's supposed to be when it came to her. She looks hurt, but there's nothing I can say. I glare at her as hard as I can, but she's become immune to it, I guess. She's just there with that sad look on her face. I'm not one for words. Or for actions. I don't feel anything, sometimes. And she just won't give up.

"Go out there…and do your job." I say in a low growl, looking away from her.

Her heels click behind me, and I feel my shoulders slump. She opens the door and steps back outside. I press my forehead against the cold glass of the window, where it's begun to rain outside. I close my eyes tightly. Why does she have this affect on me? Is it because I love her? What do I feel? Who am I, anyway?

It must've been two seconds before the door slammed back open and I heard her running towards me. I spun around to glare at her again but she caught me by surprise, as she so often does, and pinned my arms to the wall by my wrists, and she pushes against me, staring me in the eyes. The fire's blazing.

It's not that I couldn't move her off of me physically. I was far more superior in strength and stamina than she is, but what pinned me there was the nearness of her, the way her face curved towards mine, the fiery lines of red that filled her eyes, blurring my vision in the way she suddenly took control of things all by herself. Her rage and impatience for me had finally hit too far home, and she wasn't holding anything back, for the first time. She leaned in closer to me, if it was possible, and her hair brushed against the fabric of my shirt, over my chest. I turned by face away from her.

Maybe she got that it was my sign of resignation. Maybe she understood that I really was as cold and heartless as they all say I am. Maybe she finally understood that I don't feel much of anything at all. Or maybe she refused to believe it. But the truth was plane and simple, if not by the way I didn't look at her, to the way that I didn't do anything to stop her from moving so closely to me. I just can't feel anything, Relena.

"I hate you." She says darkly, barely audible. I snap my face back towards her.

"I hate you so much." She repeats, lifting her gaze to meet my eyes. "I hate the way that you don't feel anything. I hate that you don't care about me, or my beliefs. I hate that you don't care about anything but the well-being of your precious princess of peace. You're just like the rest of them!" She screams, and something constricts in my heart, painfully.

"You're just the same! Always using me! I don't need another body guard, Heero! I need someone to love me for who I am, you idiot!"

She pounds against my chest, but I wouldn't dare move, even if I could, at her outburst.

"You stupid, stupid jerk…"

I feel her arms unlatch from me, and she falls swiftly to the floor, her long, silky hair covering her face. She's crying again…she's just, still there. Broken to pieces.

We must have stayed that way for five minutes. I didn't know how to move, or what to say. I couldn't think of a way to comfort her, because…because I was never comforted, when I was alone. What do normal people do? What is normal? I just didn't want to see her get hurt anymore. I was the cause of her pain, the cause of this mess. It wasn't simple. Nothing ever is.

"You know…" She half-whispers, wiping the tears from her eyes, pulling herself off of the ground. She smoothes out her skirt, and begins to wipe her tears away. "I actually thought…that this…us…was possible. I'm sorry." She says, and begins to walk out the door behind me. "I'm sorry if I've offended you, Heero. I…let my feelings get in my way of work, again. I'm sorry."

She walks towards the door and stops next to me, pausing, only for a moment to glance a way at me. There was a dull pulse of hope for me there, so very fragile. It was almost gone. I only stared back at her. This wasn't right. I couldn't do this.

She looked away then, and, as if finalizing something, she straightened her posture, brought her head up, and placed her hands to her sides. She sniffed one last time, and began walking forward. Away from me.

Somehow, I knew that I was losing something too precious to let go of. Somehow I knew that if I didn't do something right then, it would all be lost. What there was to do, I had no idea. I heard the door creak behind me, and the loud roar of the audience only crowded my thoughts even more. Her heels clicked, and became dimmer until they were gone.

She was gone.

My mind rushed a thousand miles a minute. There was this pain inside of me that seemed to have been ripped open, so much worse than any kind of physical ache. And for a moment, I realized that I needed her.

"Wait."

I turned towards the door, left open. I couldn't hear the footsteps anymore.

"Wait…" I said a little louder, my voice cracking. No answer. I rushed out into the hallway, sliding along the well-polished marble floor.

"Wait!"

I ran at breakneck speed, the pictures lined along the walls flashing by in a blur, the sound of my black dress shoes scraping against the ground the only thing keeping me in check with reality. All I could hear was her calling me.

I reached a corner, and saw her golden hair out of the corner of my eye.

"Wait, Relena! WAIT!" I said, a little more demanding then I meant to, and I saw her spin around in the middle of the curtain. It flew open a few inches around her, and camera lights flashed from behind her brightly. Once the curtain swung back into place I found I couldn't see anymore, but I knew she was there. I felt for the walls to keep my balance, my breath heavy. God, please let me see her face.

I felt a small, fragile, smooth hand fall inside of mind, the thumb rubbing along the back of my own. She didn't say anything, and I knew that I would have to get this out.

"I want this." I said, not quite sure what I meant.

"I don't hate you Heero, it's oka-"

"No, you don't understand." I interrupted her, and I could begin to the outer edges of the room. I faced the sound of her voice and tried to find her in the white haze.

She paused, and so did I.

"I don't have all of the answers." She said, and I could begin to see her eyes. I found them, glowing underneath those long eyelashes, a sad smile on her face. If she didn't have all of the answers, then who did?

"But I'll help you find them, if you want me to." She said, and pulled her hand out of mine, realizing that I could see now. She didn't need any more words. But if she had asked for them, I would've given them to her. She deserved at least that.

I turned away from her and stared down at the floor.

"Where?"

"The same place that I find my strength. My reason to keep on trying. Lately, it's gotten a little harder to hold on to…"

The flame. Me. I was her flame…

"But sometimes it seems God sends His miracles right when I need them the most."

I don't say anything. Not that she expected me too. But I do turn to face her once again, and she smiles sweetly at me. I stare back at her. I'd smile, if I knew what I felt. But I wasn't sure, and I think she understood that.

"I'll see you around, Heero." She says, and walks out onto the platform. I hear the crowd roar outside at her appearance, and I flinch. I reach for my gun, and follow her in the shadows, where I know that I belong.

AN: PULEEZE review. :-)