(A/N: Come into my garden, lady-loves, and see what has blossomed today. This is one of my entries for the admirable trousersnaco community over at ElJay, a feastie in the months of autumn to celebrate the highly educational relationship between that paragon of the Malfoy line and our favourite Potions Master. I have valiantly taken upon me the task of writing two challenges, of which this is the first one. If the second one comes to fruition at all, I believe it will be too naughty for this website, so keep a eye open for that in other places. In any case, this one is here, and I must credit the books of PG Wodehouse for certain flourishes of style and the Molesworth books by Geoffrey Willans for one, for I used them as inspiration, and took great joy in imitating their beauty. The title is a New York Dolls song, but they don't own the rights to that anyway, and also most of them are dead. Chapters for this story will be short and snappy, leaving you hopefully wanting more –and, surprisingly, getting more. Oh, yes. Thanks very much to Cestan The Mage for beta-ing. Really, he is the most invaluable help and at such short notice, too. We hope you will enjoy this venture, and see you soon. Your Duchess.)
Chapter One: Kiss Your Sons And Daughters Goodbye, Goodbye
From the first moment Severus Snape had entered the Hog's Head, he noticed something was wrong. He glanced to where he had seen Lucius Malfoy sitting through the window, and he noticed it again. Lucius' eyes were strangely dim, his hair was unusually listless, and his otherwise straight back and shoulders showed a distinct slump. Every now and again he would shudder with an unnamed dread, and mutter something to himself in a soundless voice. It was plain that here sat a man with whom all was not right, that this was, in fact, a man who was knee-deep, if not chin-deep or even eyebrow-deep, in the soup.
Snape sighed, and stalked over to where Lucius was sitting. As he loomed over Lucius, preparing to slide into the seat opposite, the former started visibly, cast a haunted look over his despondent shoulder, and uttered a faint cry, as he recognized the shadow of trouble for what it was: Severus Snape. "Severus!" he mewled out. "Thank God you came."
"No trouble, no trouble at all." Snape said, taking his seat and casting a pitying look on his anxious friend. What could it be, he wondered, that had turned this proud descendent of the Malfoy family- one who, in the past, had gazed with clear blue eyes into the future and fearlessly bunged helpless Muggles into the afterlife – into the shuddering wreck he witnessed at present? And, sad though it made him, he did not know the answer to this question. He cleared his throat, deciding that now was perhaps the time to ask. "So, what's wrong?" he asked, positioning with difficulty his face into the appropriate expression of sympathetic curiosity. Lucius reacted to the question by promptly knocking his goblet of Firewhiskey over with shock, then hiding his face in his hands, drawing long, wracking breaths. After a few moments, he peered over his trembling fingers with wide, shiny eyes.
"You have to promise not to tell anyone about this." He said in a broken voice. "Promise you won't tell anyone!"
"I promise." Snape said, raising an eyebrow.
"It's Draco…" Lucius whispered. "He… Oh, Severus!" He collapsed into heart-rending sobbing, sinking down onto the Firewhiskey-drenched table, hair trailing unattractively through the alcohol.
"Pull yourself together, Lucius." Snape said. "I can't help you if you don't tell me."
"Yes… yes…" Lucius croaked through his tears. "Sorry. It's just… so hard…" he wiped the tears and whiskey from his face and hair, leaving streaks of dirt across his face. "Draco has attracted an... unfortunate alliance. Although, strictly speaking, unfortunate is a bit of an understatement. Draco has attracted an alliance of such apocalyptic dimensions that even the Dark Lord is hiding in his coal cellar and stocking up on tinned foods in apprehension." Here, Lucius paused, looking pained. "On July the 21st, my only son and heir is to be married to none other than… Hermione Granger." And he burst into tears again.