Yo! Another new fandom! Go me!

So I binged the 100 yesterday, talk about awesome. I've been reading the books but boy, you gotta love the onscreen stuff. Honestly I can't wait for tonight for the new episode. So post episode withdrawals gave me this story. It'll be two povs, Clarke and Lexa. I have no idea where I'm taking it yet, I write as I go. For now we're following canon but we will diverge eventually.

Reviews are welcome.

This chapter was inspired a little by One Man Town by Elmore. I say inspired- I just discovered and love the song. But it works with Clexa! Pass it on people! :)

Who we are and who we need to be to survive are two very different things...

Clarke.

Dishonest green eyes locked with my own. Shining bright in contrast to all her war paint and the blood covering her face. She didn't look at all guilty. Not like she should. Her eyes just looked open and bare. No emotion in them at all.

"What about the prisoners from the Ark? They'll all be killed" I told her trying to force the weight of what she'd done into her sight so she'd feel what I was feeling. But i knew i was kidding myself there. Lexa wasn't an emotional person at all,

"But you don't care about that, do you?" I added harshly.

Lexa didn't even hesitate her response.

"I do care, Clarke. But I made this choice with my head and not my heart. The duty to protect my people comes first"

I shook my head at her, throwing her reasoning away. I took a step forward towards her, pleading desperately, "Please, dont do this" I whispered.

In her eyes it looked like she wanted to help. But the rest of her remained stoic and unmoving. She took a breath and I held my own half in hope she'd change her mind. But she didn't.

"Im sorry, Clarke"

No, I thought sadly, you're not.

I took a step back. And I watched as all our plans came undone. Weeks of planning, so many lives lost and bellamys sacrifice, and for what? She'd lied to me to bargain her way out of this war. Under the skin of it all it was clear to me now that she'd always known her people would lose. She just needed me to get her close enough to the mountain men to make a deal.

I felt so used.

Lincoln moved quickly around me, saying words I couldn't hear as the large army behind me retreated with their released brethren. He tried to negotiate with her, tried to get her to see sense. And when that didn't work he begged that he be allowed to stay behind and help us. But she refused to hear him, telling him coldly that her precious deal meant all her warriors had to retreat, including him.

Lincoln started talking again but it was a warbled mess in my ears. I was frozen watching lexa, begging her to help us with my eyes on hers. Begging her to stay. To see this through. The war and us. But I knew the commander wouldnt give in to her feelings, even if the girl inside wanted to. She had her people to think about. And somewhere inside me, on some level, I knew she was right in her decision. But I was too hurt by her betrayal to consider it fully right now. Her people would go home and be safe. Mine would die inside that mountain tonight.

Lincoln begged her again to be allowed to help, desperate to save Octavia and our people because he knew that an alliance between the sky and tree people was the only way they could be together. But Lexa wouldn't allow it. She couldn't have one of her own turning against her with her entire army stood watching. It would make her weak and questionable as a leader. And that was something Lexa feared the most in this world.

He stared down at her. And I could tell what he was planning. He was going to ignore his commander and do what he thought was right, he was thinking with his heart like she hated. So she had him arrested for it.

"Take him" She commanded harshly, her eyes glaring at him powerfully. She looked away to me briefly and a couple of her guard walked around her to Lincoln. His shoulders sagged and his expression dropped in surrender. It was clear then that there was no talking with her. She'd made up her mind. And nobody would change it.

I watched on surprised when he suddenly started to fight them off. Even Lexa looked impressed behind her cold look for him. Lincoln knocked the two warriors to the ground and paused for breath, eyes darting behind him past the army towards the mines Octavia was currently walking through. He would have run right then. Would have run and together they'd take down the mountain. We all knew it. But a slight tilt of the head from Lexa had another warrior striding quickly over to hit him over the head with the butt of his axe.

Lincoln fell.

And with him my last hope of grounder help in this.

I looked forward as they hauled Lincoln away and I locked gazes with her. Her eyes never left mine but that didn't mean I could tell what she was thinking. She could be feeling sorry for me and my kind. She could be laughing. I couldn't tell. Because lexa always made it hard to know her. In any situation.

But I knew what I was thinking. I was mad, justifiably enraged. She'd betrayed us. The alliance. My people.

And me. She'd betrayed me.

I think that hurt the worse.

I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to hurt her. For everything she'd done and was continuing to do. After her admitting love isn't weakness I thought we'd passed a hurdle. But no. She tricked me. She manipulated my feelings to get what she needed from me. I didn't know why I ever trusted her. Octavia was right. They all were. Lexa wasn't an ally. Lexa was the enemy.

Her guards people whispered to her and she moved her hand. They all started to leave. All but her and Ryder who stayed protective by her right side. She stayed standing tall and deadly and still, and her eyes glowed with something that looked like remorse for me. But then it was gone again and she looked expressionless. She never looked away from me as she started to back away with her people. And for what it was worth I hoped deep inside it pained her to see what else she'd broken with her betrayal tonight.

I saw her jaw clench a little, lips purse slightly, eyes taking me in as if it were the last time. My heart shuddered to wonder it if was. Lexa's face twitched for a milli-second before she regained her control and whispered to me,

'May we meet again'

I startled awake with her voice ringing the words clear in my ears as if she'd whispered them fresh beside me.

In a burst of panic I lurched up from the cold ground, knife laid ready against my wrist prepared to kill the traitor who had woken me. But my strong swing fell empty against the open air.

She wasn't here. Nobody was here. Just me.

Always me.

I looked around myself and told my heart to calm the fuck down already. I was embarrassed and frustrated with waking up to yet another nightmare, but even more so I was embarrassed with the tinge of hope melting to a calm within my heartbeat. I didn't want it. I didn't want to keep dreaming about her and I sure as hell didn't want to wake up to her. Lexa had betrayed me and my people to save herself and hers. The last thing on my mind right now was a happy reunion.

Sure..., my heart mocked around its frantic rhythm. Annoyingly it still lived in hope like that.

I slipped the knife back into its sheath on my belt and stood up. My body ached and my legs trembled from holding me up straight. Sleeping rough and barely eating was taking a terrible toll on me.

I looked down and gathered up my rucksack. My eyes caught on the damp patch sticking to the fabric. I looked away to the grass and groaned. The ground was wet, as were my clothes. It must have rained through the night without me noticing. Good thing, it covered my tracks and scent. Bad thing, I was fucking soaked.

"Great" I growled beneath my breath.

I glared moodily at the ground and began making my way north, backtracking myself to the traps I'd lain yesterday afternoon. I needed them to have caught something through the night, even though I knew the chances were incredibly slim. My supplies were running low again and I was hungry. Three months alone in the woods had taught me grounder rule number one; without a kill you can't trade. And if you can't trade or find a food in the woods you don't eat. Simple. And frustrating.

As I expected the first traps were empty. The rain had made the ground sink around the peg line, rendering it useless. Nothing would walk into that, and even if it did it wouldn't get trapped anyway. I tried my hardest not to think about how my entire day setting traps around the woods was definitely wasted time.

Moving on to the second lot I found nothing again. Just soggy rope and ruined knots. Like somebody had come across it and taken the kill. I fingered the torn cords in the ropes. It was definitely knife work.

I sighed and pulled them apart, remembering to pocket anything salvageable. Growing up on the Ark I was always taught not waste anything because I never knew when i'd need it. Everything was recyclable.

One man's trash, I thought with a sad smile to my dad's old saying. I still had no idea what he'd been talking about.

I stood when I'd collected everything and looked about myself. Everything looked bare and untouched. It was nice and calm somehow, devoid of the terror and blood that used to flood the woods. I wondered as my eyes searched about if the rest of the world looked this way now. If it was finally at peace with itself.

But then I saw a flash of color in the leaves up ahead and I noticed a tree marked with a white handprint.

Ice nation.

I grabbed my things and started my way to my other traps. I didn't trust I was alone in the woods. I'd heard the rumours on the road. Everybody was after me. Everybody wanted Wanheda. I could maybe talk my way out of trouble with the tree clans. But I knew from Lexa's stories that the Ice Nation weren't so negotiable. They'd kill me on sight if they believed it would give them power.

The third trap I'd set was like the first two but the fourth had managed to snare a baby hare. Nothing worth much but enough to trade for a bandage at least.

I knelt beside the hare. I felt a deep pang of guilt at its heaving chest. It'd struggled itself through the night into exhaustion.

"Hey, it's okay" I soothed stroking its wet fur. I marvelled at the soft texture of its pelt. I'd always thought hares had corse fur but it felt like silk under my hands.

Its eyes blinked slowly up at me as I stroked a hand down its shivering body. It's nose twitched innocently and I watched my hands shaking as I rose them to take hold of its neck.

"I'm sorry" I told it, crying a little as I pushed down on its feeble struggles to get away. I didn't want to hurt it. I didn't want to end its life. Because I'd honestly done too much of that already.

It was then I realised I wasn't crying about the hare but all the innocent mountain people I'd murdered.

"I'm sorry" I repeated sniffling some more. I thought maybe if I said it enough times then maybe all the people I'd killed would forgive me. It was foolish hope anyway.

If you need forgiveness I can give that to you. You're forgiven..

Bellamy's words swam through me, deep with hope and worry and everything that screamed fear for me. I did want forgiveness. I wanted it more than anything. I wanted to have the judgement of 381 innocent lives considered and punished into me so I might gain some form of redemption for what I'd done. But Bellamy couldn't give that to me. No matter how much we wish he could. Only I could give myself that freedom. And I knew I would never be deserving of it.

Who we are and who we need to be to survive are two very different things, his voice whispered jarring my thoughts again. I wasn't too sure anymore that he was right.

"Maybe there are no good guys..." I mumbled to myself, thinking hard back to that day in the mountain. My mom had said it to me to comfort the hysterical guilt she could see inside me. But maybe she'd been right. I'd believed we were the good guys. Us and the grounders. Because we had just been trying to save our people. But we couldn't be. Not with all the things we'd done. I realised that now.

Doing bad stuff for the sake of a good act doesn't make you the good guy. In fact it made you worse than the bad guy.

There are no good guys, my heart bumped and my head ached. I felt so much pain over what I'd done. I didn't know how to stop it anymore.

My hands jerked suddenly, bringing me out of my dead thoughts. I looked down at the animal under my grip and immediately released my hold over it. It hopped up frantic and tried to run away, only the rope around its leg was still pegged to the ground. The hare tripped over itself and continued to struggle. And it pained me to watch it.

"Hang on a second" I told it rushing to my thigh for my other knife. I slid it out and cut the rope at the hare's foot. It looked down as if puzzled by the gesture before it sprinted away. Probably back to its mother.

Lucky you, I thought watching it go.

I collapsed down onto my back after and glared up at the sky. I felt sore and aching. My heart was shuddering in my chest as if a heavy weight was crushing down on it. And though I tried to breathe calmly to remove myself of the torture, I just couldn't. Tears built up behind my eyes but I knew they wouldn't fall. I was denied the release of crying now. I would carry my actions forever.

"C'mon, Clarke" I muttered at myself, "Get your shit together"

I hauled myself up and wiped my sleeve across my eyes before hardening my expression again. I pushed on to the fifth trap some miles away. The walk was good for my head. It calmed me out of my conscience for a while and allowed me some space to breathe. I hated being trapped inside myself.

I stopped off at the trading post a couple miles from my trap in hopes of getting some water. There wasn't another stream around for a while and Niylah was always kind enough to give me small freebies. Her dad on the other hand wasn't so compassionate.

"Come back when you have something worth trading!" he growled at me pointing me out the door.

I shouldered my bag and walked out. It was too early to start fights with grounders today. I made off up the road, stopping when somebody called to me. Niylah was grinning when I walked back to her.

"Here" she held a bottle out to me, "Sorry about my father. He's always moody when it comes to empty trade"

"I figured" I took the bottle and gave her a smile, "Thanks"

"No problem. Just promise me you'll come by with your next kills, hunter-girl"

I smiled wryly at the nickname and nodded, "Don't worry. I'll be back"

Niyah touched my sleeve a moment before turning back into the post. I watched her go with a small smile. She was too nice to me. And much more nicer than I deserved. If she knew who I really was she'd probably kill me like everyone else.

And I'd probably welcome it, I sighed.

I turned and continued my walk. I had to dodge in and out of trees anytime I heard a horse or men's voices echoing through the wood. With such a high bounty on my head I couldn't afford to be caught. I'd already earned myself enough new scars from evading bounty hunters.

It was nearly noon by the time I made it to my last stop. The trap was empty too but animal prints near it gave me hope there was something worth the trip here after all. After foraging for some berries to eat I made my way after the prints and tracked the animal back south towards the ruins of TonDC. Though mostly destroyed i knew the remaining villagers were slowly rebuilding. It was too important a place to allow time to be its only occupant. They would rebuild and resume. Just like everybody else on earth.

Everybody except me.

I stuck to the edges of the forest surrounding the village. I could hear the construction work taking place within the walls and i could see warriors standing idly around talking. I wondered briefly if she was here. If she'd returned to oversee the rebuilding of her war capital or if she'd returned to Polis like she'd promised she would once the war was over. I hardened my heart to the thoughts. Lexa may be in the village, she may be so so close, but she would always remain so far away to me for what she'd done to me and my people. Always. I promised myself that.

My footsteps lightly gained ground again as I forced myself to tiptoe across the tree line by the village gates. One grounder lurched to his feet as I whipped behind a tree but he soon sat back down as if he thought his mind was playing tricks on him. I swallowed scared and allowed myself to breath deep breaths before continuing. Part of me was screaming to turn back and return to Niylah for food. It made me nervous being so close to the grounders but at the same time I had to hunt. I was too stubborn and proud to beg for food.

So I marched on cautiously, always looking around myself for hidden warriors waiting ready for attack. I knew I could hold my own against the grounders now but I didn't want to fight unless absolutely necessary. I'd taken enough life.

I carried on tracking the animal hours outside TonDC, one thought propelling me forward away from the village.

If I have any luck left in this world, there will be a kill waiting for me.