Determination is a funny thing.
It fills your very soul with the feeling that you can do anything you set your mind to. It gives you patience. It gives you strength. It helps you defy your mental and physical capabilities with ease.
Like when it gives you the power to stand up to your father as he brings your mother to her knees with the remorseless strike of his hand or like when it makes you grit your teeth and hold on with a smile on your face as he turns his attention to you and beat you up until your ties to reality is cut loose thanks to prickly pain.
Determination is what makes you bottle up your red hot tears and icy fury when you watch with wide eyes as your father stabs your mother to death- you stopped counting after it reached double digits. Every ruthless swish of the innocent kitchen knife feels like a stab at your very being.
After flinching for the twenty-sixth time and finally failing to bite back a sob, you manage to tear your eyes off of your mother's mangled corpse- not because you snap out of shock and return to here and now, but because you heard your father's animalistic snarl directed towards you.
You wake up in the hospital a week later, your small frame engulfed in sheets and unbearable pain. They have not a bit of pity in their eyes or voices when they explain to you that your mother was long gone when they brought both of you to the hospital. Neither do they show mercy when you beg them not to let your father take you back home. The bastard has a knowing smile contorting his ugly features. You whimper. You beg and beg and beg, tears making your bandages wet.
But nobody listens.
Determination is what helps you look into your father's eyes without faltering when he tells you that, naturally, it was your fault that your mother was six feet under, nailed in a coffin like she deserves. The mention of nails reminds you of all the bleeding gashes on your mother's body, taking life away from her one heartbeat at a time.
He tells you it's now your job to take care of the house as the only woman around. You're old enough anyway. You brought this upon yourself after all.
You wonder what method he would choose to kill you if you told him you are not 'old enough', and just eight years old. Or how much he'd make you hurt before actually letting you die if you told him you aren't a female either. But you're smart, so you keep your mouth shut. You have other plans in your mind anyway.
The night breeze slaps your face mercilessly. Rotten! you think as you tuck your hair behind your ears, They're all rotten! The wind ruffles your hair yet again. You angrily tug at it to no avail, Humanity is rotten down to the core!
What about your mom? offers a tiny voice in your head; you ignore your conscience by reminding it that your mother, the only good and nice person you have ever known is dead and gone just because she was so caring and well-meaning.
Determination is what whispers to your soul to stick to your plan and go on, you are correct on your presumptions after all.
Mount Ebott is famous for swallowing down people who bear no hope in their hearts, welcoming them into its core not unlike a mother welcoming her child into her warm embrace. That's what you're thinking when you reach the top, the wind –even colder now- making your teeth chatter and your legs tremble.
Or is that fear?
No. You clench your jaw and furrow your brows. If it's anything, it's anger and hatred, not fear. You've lost your hope and compassion long ago; why be afraid when you're nothing but an empty shell?
You look down at the hole whose edge you are standing at, it looks almost as deep and dark as your soul. A painful grimace graces your tear-clad face, soon turning into a big, fake smile as you nod determinedly. You take couple of steps back, make a run for it and brace yourself as you jump into the hole.
Determination is a funny thing.
Halfway through your journey downward, when your body finally adjusts to the feeling of free falling and you've stopped flailing your arms and legs, it whispers to your soul again. You look down, trying to see beyond the pitch-black darkness and decipher how long you have left until you are free from the pain; you're having a hard time breathing considering how vicious the air is as it bites at your face while you fall down fast- very, very fast.
Determination is a little shit, you decide at the same moment you decide you are not so keen on dying anymore. But isn't it a little too late for that? You let out a desperate howl, vision blurry due to tears adorning your eyes.
I don't want to die! your mind screams. I don't want to die, I don't want to die, I don't want to die! After all, wouldn't dying be giving those people what they wanted? They wanted to get rid of you.
You need to get back. You need to get back up there and show them what you're capable of.
You ignore that little voice, the voice of reason and conscience, telling you you're just an eight year old. You ignore the voice of self-hatred burning within you telling you you're a worthless piece of shit who couldn't even save their mother. You are filled with hope that if- no, when you go back, you will get revenge on everyone. You have made your decision.
I don't want to die! I don't want to die! I won't d-
The ground welcomes you with ease as your small frame hits it with a sickening crunch.
Nailed in a coffin six feet under the ground doesn't seem like a bad idea now, does it?
Your body jolts to a start, a shuddering breath fills your lungs, helping your heart pump fresh blood all over your body. You make a strained noise and slowly raise your head, taking in your surroundings as you try to remember what happened. Apparently you were lying face-down on a bed of yellow flowers, you sneeze thanks to pollen hanging in the air, probably because the flower bed was disturbed when-
When you fell down.
You take a sharp breath and get on your hands and knees; you were supposed to be dead and now there is not a single scratch or throb on your body. Were you so scared of dying that you somehow manage to defy death?
No, probably not. You let out a bitter chuckle at the thought crossing your mind a moment later: You died and ended up in hell. Oh yes, that must be it. You feel dizzy and sick, you move to sit on your butt with an oof! as your chuckles turn into a hopeless laugh, and finally into painful sobs. You bury your face in your trembling hands and cry your heart out.
As your sobs become agonized wails, you start pounding the ground with fists clenched so hard that your fingernails leave bloody crescents on your palms. The golden flowers become more and more smashed as a result of your fury, but you don't care. You hate everything and everyone and-
"Hello?"
You freeze, turning your tear- and snot-covered face to the source of the timid voice, trying to see in the semi-darkness. Your fingers clench on the long-dead, poor flowers. Your eyes slowly adjusting to the dimness, you spot a few grand pillars in the distance- and a head poking from behind one of them. You're too shocked to respond, all you can do is to watch with wide eyes as the figure slowly makes their way towards you; you hold on to the crushed flowers to remind yourself that there is a physical, real world existing around you, outside your fear-filled body.
You take in the figure when it's close enough for your eyes to discern it- you're not sure if your brain is able to process what is going on, however.
"I didn't know the devil was just a kid," you say with a trembling voice, finally wiping your face with a hand to see more clearly.
"Hey I'm not a kid!" exclaims the goat standing before your very eyes, puffing their chest proudly, they seem to be just as tall as you are; then again, from where you're sitting, it's a little hard to decide how tall they are. There's a pause, "I mean… I guess you can say I am… But I'm not…" They play with one fluffy ear, expression frustrated as they huff, "I can't believe you've came up with a pun the moment we met." Despite your shock and fear, you can't help but laugh at the goat-child's response. They smile. You bow your head with embarrassment and worry, deciding to busy yourself with the crushed petals poking through your fingers. They take a hesitant step; seeing you don't say anything –or look in their direction at all-, they plop down onto the flowers themself, far away from you to give you the space you need, but close enough to observe you with dark, curious eyes. They cross their legs and place their fluffy paws on them, you sniffle and poke at the ground.
"I'm not the devil, silly," they say, poking out their tongue and smiling. Their smile falters when you raise your head to look at them, surprised that they sound so unfazed by this whole situation. "You're a human, right?" they ask the next second, their voice lowered to a whisper as if you two are talking about the biggest secret in the whole universe. You frown and nod, unsure about what to say. They hum thoughtfully and tap a finger to their chin before scooting closer to you with a mischievous smile on their face. Then they throw their arms up in the air and shout, "That's so cool! I didn't know you humans could be so small!" You let out the breath you didn't even know you were holding. Despite your nervousness, it is your turn to puff your chest and protest. "I'm not small!" you reply, gesturing at yourself, "And definitely bigger than you are!"
There's a moment of silence where you look at each other with wide eyes and parted lips, then you burst into laughter at the exact same moment.
"What's your name?" they ask, the curious glint filling their eyes once more. You look at their amused expression as you fold your hands on your lap, "Chara."
"Chara, huh? That's a nice name." They smile at you genuinely, "My name is Asriel Dreemurr. I'm the king's son." He frowns at your confusion for a moment, "Golly, you don't know what I'm talking about, don't you?" You shake your head slowly, embarrassment filling your pale cheeks with bright red. "Oh, that's fine!" he gets up and brushes his pants, then extends a hand to you, which you grab with little hesitation. "I'll tell you on our way to where I live, then my mom can- oh careful!" He catches you as your legs give out, clearly weak from sitting for too long (and because of everything that's happening to you right now, probably). He supports you as he wraps an arm around your waist and helps you throw an arm over his shoulders.
Monsters, from what you can see, are an interesting race.
Asriel tells you about monsterkind while his father, King Asgore with his huge hands and intimidating horns, makes all of you tea. He looked shocked when Asriel first introduced you to him, but welcomed you to their house and has been wearing that weird, sad smile ever since. The goat child explains how monsters are made of magic; as you sip your delicious tea and give Asgore a matching smile, all you can think of is that monsters must be made of love. You nod at Asriel and kindly thank Asgore, who meekly apologizes for his wife's absence since she is busy with important work, being the queen.
"Tori is the brain behind our sovereignty after all." he adds with a proud smile. The way it fills him with love when he mentions his wife's name is such a foreign concept to you, you realize with a grimace; aren't fathers supposed to be ruthless and intimidating?
The way he grabs his son when he jumps onto the king's lap and the hearty chuckle he lets out as he nuzzles the smaller monster tells you otherwise. After having caused a giggling fit on Asriel's side by tickling him mercilessly, Asgore lets his child off his lap and turns to you with a serious expression adorning his fluffy face. "How much do you know about the history of monsters and humans?" he asks, voice deeper than usual. You glance at your cup thoughtfully for a moment before looking back in the king's eyes, "I don't… I don't know anything, sir." Asgore sighs, though not because of your ignorance, "Please, child, I have told you this already; just call me Asgore." He is well aware of your nervousness; he gives you a reassuring smile, "And that is fine, I shall tell you about it when Tori joins us, she should be here soon." Not long after these words have left his lips, there's the jingle of keys and the sound of the front door opening and closing. Asriel jumps down his chair and –despite his father's warnings to be careful- runs to the door as fast as he can.
"Mom! You would not believe what happened today!" you can hear him say excitedly, "I made a friend!" The sound of a gentle laugh accompanies him as he moves back to the living room, "Is that so, my child?" The queen's voice reminds you of your mom; the next moment, all you can see is blurry figures entering the room since you've started crying without even noticing.
"Oh my." comes the queen's response to seeing you sitting at the table with her husband, you sniffle and wipe your eyes with your sleeves, quite anxious due to her worried tone. You're met with a frown sitting on her motherly face as she bats her eyelashes thoughtfully. She is so like your mother that you hope she's not angry at you- you want to see her smile.
You remember the agonized expression on your mom's face as she was seconds away from dying. A sob escapes you before you can even try to regain your composure, you are just a child after all. Suddenly you're engulfed in a hug by none other than the queen, "Oh my child, do not cry…" she says softly as she rubs gentle circles on your back. You want to apologize, but your tiny frame is shaken by sobs too harsh for it to function properly.
She holds you in her arms until your tears dry, patiently offering you warmth and a soft touch. When you're calm enough to look up at her, she smiles fondly at you, still holding you close to her chest. You give her a watery smile of your own.
You learn later on that there was a horrible war between humans and monsters, long before Asriel and you were born. Humans, being victorious, forced monsters to flee to the underground, seeking shelter and protection. Humans sealed monsters there afterwards, making their exile a lot more unbearable.
Humans are greedy, you decide. You hate them all the more.
You wonder if, being a human, you will end up like them one day.
You're determined not to let that happen.
"But is there no solution to this?" you ask as you help the monster family make dinner and set the table. "Can't you ever go out?" Asgore looks troubled. "That's not fair!" you exclaim, slamming the plates down on the table harder than you were supposed to. You flinch and apologize with a stutter, remembering all the times your father beat you up for being much less rude than you are just now.
They say it's okay, and their genuine tone makes you believe in them, so you go back to setting the table with Asriel. "There is… a solution." Asgore replies after a few moments, getting a sharp "Gorey, no!" from Toriel. You look up at them from where you've been placing knives and forks as the king heaves a sigh that makes is whole frame shudder. He lets Toriel take care of the soup he has been cooking so that he can come and sit at the table, he gestures you and Asriel to sit as well. You can't help but think how easy it was for them to accept you into their daily lives, so quickly, too.
"Do you know what a SOUL is?" is the first thing Asgore asks. You gesture at your chest, unsure. He smiles fondly, watching your small hand, "Quite so. The SOUL is the very culmination of your being, which is the case for monsters and humans alike. However monster SOULs and human SOULs work a little differently; for you see, human SOULs can linger around the body after the human has passed away, while monster SOULs disperse immediately." You nod in understanding. Toriel brings the soup and starts serving it to everyone, a strained look on her face as she steals glances at her husband. The king smiles apologetically, but continues, "Thus, while dying means it is the end for a monster, it may be different for a human; as a monster can absorb a human's SOUL before it disappears." You stir your soup slowly, not quite seeing where Asgore is getting at. You take a spoonful of soup and let your taste buds revel in the tomato heaven. "The same method can be used for breaking the barrier," the king adds gently, the spoon stops inches away from your mouth. "If a monster absorbs seven human SOULs, they can break the barrier."
The silence prolongs as the three goats look at your shocked face; the spoon clutters onto the table. Your almost inaudible "Excuse me." is muffled by the sound your chair makes as you push it back and stand up.
Despite your efforts, you can't help but break into a sprint to get out of the Dreemurrs' house.
So that's why they've been so good to me? you think to yourself, feeling cold despite the warm and humid climate of the underground. You hug yourself, tighter and tighter, They're no different!
You're too distracted by your tears to notice Asriel coming to sit by you. "I'm sorry we scared you," he mumbles, tugging at one of his ears. "Mom and dad don't plan to wage war on your kind or anything." he adds with a nervous chuckle. You turn to face him; anger suddenly bubbling within you, "You can destroy them for all I care!" you yell, startling the other, "But you lied to me!" You get up and start pacing around in fierce motions, "I thought you wanted to help me!" You throw your arms in the air, you can't believe you were so stupid to believe them!
"Dishonesty and violence were what I tried to run away from, Asriel!" you want to stop talking, stop giving away your weaknesses, but you can't. Not at this point.
To hell with it.
"I watched my father kill my mom!" you wail, tears turning Asriel's hunched form into a blurry mess, "I had to let him use and abuse me! And you know why I fell down that hole?" You shoot an angry arm at the general direction of the lone flower bed, "Because I. wanted. to DIE!" You whimper and hug yourself, and Asriel lets out a noise that's unmistakably a sob. "Apparently I was too scared to even do that, because –lo and behold!- I'm still here!" Your violent voice slowly turns into a whisper, "If you plan to kill me, at least don't lie to me about it; I can take it, I-" You're cut off when Asriel hugs you as tight as he can, the damp fur on his face tickling your neck. You can't help but return the gesture as you cry into each other's embrace.
"Oh child…" Toriel's soft voice calls, full of guilt, "We never, ever planned to commit such a vile act…" You break away from the hug to throw an accusing look at the queen as she kneels before you and her son. "The war caused the humans to take down so many monsters, and we were no less violent than they were. We do not wish to relive all that, not again. Even if it means not being able to see the sky or the sun again, or let our children grow up without knowing what they even look like to begin with, we will not take your life."
Something in her voice tells you to believe her, so you do.
They call you their hope. Their savior. Such positive adjectives for such a depressed, annoying child like you. As much as you want to believe their words, deep down you know that you are what's standing in the way of their hopes and dreams.
They call you and Asriel "the royal children", you're Chara Dreemurr now, your actual surname long forgotten. But what good are you to your people if you can't do anything to help them? Asriel will be the king one day, but what will you be? You will still belong to the very race you hate, helping them make monsters suffer with each and every passing day.
Determination is a funny thing. It fills you with inspiration at the weirdest and most irrelevant moments.
Like back when you accidentally poisoned dad. You can't believe you misread the recipe, despite being well-versed in monster writing by now.
As mom helped get dad get better with the help of Doctor Gaster, you held Asriel's hand, not shedding a tear unlike him. The very idea that struck fear in your soul so long ago made you determined now.
You told Asriel to stop being a crybaby, and he looked incredulous. You smiled reassuringly and told him you had a plan.
Remembering back when you jumped down the hole and survived, you were sure killing yourself on purpose was out of the question; you always felt weird whenever you held a knife anyway, it brought back all the bad memories. It was inevitable that dad's getting poisoned would make you read about the golden flowers, the first thing you saw when you woke up after your fall. If a plant so poisonous could make the strong, giant king sick when taken in small doses, it would definitely kill you easily, yet so innocently.
"I… I don't like this idea, Chara."
You huff.
"Wh… what?" You point at his wet face, calling him a crybaby for the second time in your friendship. He tugs at his eyes, "N-no, I'm not…"
"Azzy…"
"…Big kids don't cry."
"There's nothing wrong with crying, Azzy, but you know there's no need to cry about this."
"Yeah, you're right…" He sounds so unsure, it makes you give him a bitter smile.
You tried so many times to convince him that this was for the best. He tried so many times to ignore you.
"We talked about this Azzy, it's for the good of everyone."
"I just… I don't know, Chara. Our future or your hatred for humans shouldn't be more important than yourself!"
"Are you really questioning my motives here?" Your own nervousness makes you snap at him.
Eventually he gave in, though.
"No! I'd… I'd never doubt you Chara…" he replies quickly, "Never!"
"You promise?" you ask, extending a pinky with a grin, which he encircles with his own soon after. "Y… yeah!" he smiles at you, "We'll be strong!"
"Yes!" you encourage him, "We'll free everyone." He lets go of your finger, rocking back and forth on his feet for a moment. He takes a deep breath, looks into your eyes and nods once, "I'll go get the flowers."
Determination is a funny thing- no, scratch that.
Determination is a pain in the ass.
It makes you go on as your insides feel like glass shards are going through them, as fever burns you, as you throw up anything you manage to eat, along with blood.
It helps you smile at Asriel, who never leaves your side; who feeds you more and more buttercups with tears in his eyes. You've never seen him this sad before. The pained looks Toriel and Asgore give you don't help either.
You're too lost in hallucinations and pain to realize you're fading away and thus, this time you don't look back into your soul to call to your determination. For a short while, Asgore, who had been whispering to you to stay determined, breaks into sobs. For a short while, everything goes black.
Then you are awakened by a force that fills your entire being, it is so exhilarating. Before mom and dad can do anything, you and Asriel become one; your minds and souls mingling so perfectly, you make your way to the barrier together.
All the king and the queen can do is to wail after you as you pass through the barrier with a shiver washing over Asriel's transformed body.
You've told Asriel about the town you used to live in and how mean its inhabitants were, he seemed to share your hate and distrust. Naturally you two decided to steal six SOULs from that particular town; yours being the seventh, it would be easy to break the barrier and set monsterkind free. It had taken a long time to convince Asriel that he could use your SOUL as well, you'd be long dead anyway.
Turns out, that wasn't exactly the case.
The townspeople's reaction when they see your corpse being carried by a huge, intimidating goat monster is, needless to say, ruthless. As ruthless as you two will be towards them in a few moments. But when humans surround you with various weapons in their hands, you can feel Asriel hesitate.
Come on, Azzy… you whisper into your shared mind, we can do it, we can wipe this town clean by killing them all! Asriel's power is making you thrilled, you can feel it. Your determination, however, is making him falter.
You promised… he replies, we'd take six SOULs and leave! A shot is heard, and Asriel's body shudders. You both can feel blood trickling down a bullet wound freshly found its way into Asriel's abdomen.
Asriel, move!
No! This wasn't our plan, Chara! You promised!
You promised, you idiot! Move! Do something! They're going to kill you!
No matter what you do, you can't wrench the control of his body from him; all you can do is to watch helplessly as humans deal one deathly blow after another, as he runs back to underground, as he sputters blood all over the golden flowers. You watch as your parents desperately try to help him and as he turns into dust right beneath their hands.
You can't believe he lied to you.
Everything goes dark. You guess that's what death is, the absolute, the nothingness. Everything is pointless at this point and you don't care at all.