To Be Loved

AN: So, this takes place sometime after Azula gets locked away in a safe place [in the comics] (because they believe she's crazy) and this is like a moment of clarity, I guess. Might be AUish, since I don't remember a lot of details about the comic, and it's hard to write about/for Azula.

The clock let Azula know it was nighttime, but she didn't feel tired at all, she felt energetic and wild. She felt like she might run up a wall, if she could. Yet between her thoughts of anger, and between her wild energy, there was something else. There were strong emotions that she wasn't exactly used, feelings so strong, so clear, that it made everything feel dreamlike, in a way.

She wasn't used to the clarity, the knowledge of something she never actually felt. But she still knew what it was. She felt sad, something she wasn't used to, and something she actually hadn't felt in forever...or had she never actually felt it?

Maybe she had, but it would have been so long ago, because she couldn't remember ever feeling the somehow familiar feeling.

And somehow, she also knew why.

Things shouldn't have turned out this way. Somewhere in the back of her mind, at the bottom of her heart, she was that young, jealous girl again.

She just wanted to be loved by her mother, in the way that Zuko was. She'd found something similar to love from her father, but he only gave her some when she was good. He'd praise her, he'd mock Zuko, he'd let her know, in some ways, she was special. That was the closest she'd get to whatever love was.

But she never meant for the worldwide chaos she'd caused. When she got on the path, though, it was hard to get back off. She found herself craving appraisal, attention, she found herself craving anything she could get.

It was never supposed to go this far. She just didn't know how to express anything to anyone. Anger was easy to feel, easy to show, but love? She couldn't show something that she never felt.

Even now, between sanity and insanity, it was hard to understand her mind, her feelings, but somehow it was all clearer than ever.

Not that it mattered, because she still didn't know how to love someone, to show them her thoughts, to let them understand her, and tell them how she didn't mean to hurt anyone, that she'd simply had been under a bad influence, and now she could understand.

The sound of footsteps ended her perhaps endless train of thought, and she glanced up to see Zuko through the clear window on the door of her room.

She continued to stare at him through her uneven bangs, wondering whether or not he'd come in, and then what she'd say if he did.

He stared back at her, amber meeting amber, then he finally opened the door and let himself in, looking weary.

After shutting the door back and making sure someone on the other side locked it, he carefully walked over to sit on a chair by Azula's bed, and she glanced up from where she sat on the floor, "Zuko," she greeted him with an almost annoyed voice, despite her efforts of trying to sound pleasant.

Zuko pushed on, anyways, "How was your day?"

This wasn't the first time he'd visited, but this was the first time she wanted to express her actual feelings...feelings that maybe she hadn't known that she'd had before now.

He'd been persistent before, coming by nearly everyday, despite her attitude towards him. She feared he'd give up soon, but she wasn't sure how to say the things she wanted to say, now.

She looked down at her hands as she tried to form a sentence in her head, trying to remember how to sound anything but angry.

"Look, I..." she began, but stopped as she worked out what she was trying to say, "In the past, we never really...got along. And I know it wasn't your fault...but...it wasn't mine, either... I mean...it was our parents-well, our father...he...his influence on me...I just wanted to make him proud of me..."

She stopped when tears spilled down her face, pain she hadn't felt in a while actually resurfacing, and she glanced up to meet Zuko's eyes, hoping he'd understand her, even though she hadn't fully explained.

He moved to sit on his knees in front of her, quickly wrapping his arms around her waist to hold her tight, Azula wrapping her arms around his neck as she cried into his shirt.

She hadn't hugged someone in forever, hadn't been comforted in forever, hadn't been loved like that in...forever, really.

Her amber eyes shut tight, she let out her tears that had been building up for years, releasing her grudge on him, releasing her regret, her sadness.

"F-forgive me..." she plead through her quite crying.

Zuko quietly hushed her, whispering, "It's okay."

She had to pull back then, staring up at him, "P-please forgive me..."

Zuko shook his head, grabbing her hands, "It wasn't your fault."

"Zuko," she started to plea, but he cut her short, "There's nothing to forgive."

She leaned forward again after a minute, laying against his chest as she continued to cry, "Thank you."

He wrapped his arms around her again, "I understand better than you know."

She shut her eyes, feeling content for once. Her mind felt at peace, she felt lighter. Finally saying words she should have said so long ago made her feel so different. And she liked it.

Expressing her feelings also got her the one thing she'd ever needed. Love.