A/N: Hey! So this is my first story so tell me what you think. Any feedback would be great! Even if it's just telling me it's a piece of crap.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything. The wonderful world of Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling
Why does it have to hurt so much? Yeah, at least he's happy. Both of them are. But why does it have to be so bloody painful? Merlin, I just love him so much! Oh great, they're snogging now. That's just wonderful. I know I should probably leave but I can't make myself. And now his shirt is coming off. It almost hits me from at my spot next to the door under James' invisibility cloak. Stupid, Goddamned, James. Why does he get that beautiful boy? Why him over me? It's not fair! I just love him so much! Merlin, I love him so much! I can't even count the number of nights I've spent curled up in my bed behind the hangings, crying over him. The number of times I've thought of him, of kissing down his beautiful tan chest that's matted with white scars, some still fresh and pink from the last full moon, like James is doing now. I can't count the number of times I've wished I could be James, if even for just a day, or hell even an hour, just so I could have him. Hold him in my arms, kiss those beautiful lips. Hear his low, smooth, enchanting voice tell me that he loves me.
I finally force myself to leave as they heat things up and tear off more clothes. They're too distracted to notice the door open and shut. I sit just outside of the door outside our dorm, still under the invisibility cloak. I hear him moan James' name, and I feel my eyes start to tear. I shove my palms to my eyes to stop myself from crying.
"I'm not going to cry again!" I whisper to myself forcefully "not now."
Later tonight while I'm lying in bed I know I won't be able to stop myself, when I hear them in the bed whispering and cuddling. Wishing that I could hold him while we sleep instead of James, that I could wake up next to him, have his face be the first thing I see. To see his sandy brown hair and gorgeous blue eyes.
You're both just so oblivious! Even Peter figured it out! And you don't even notice. You can't even figure out that I'm gay! No, I'm Sirius Black, the ladies' man. But all I want is you. That's the only reason I do it. Because I can't have you.
Merlin, Remus, why James? Why my best friend? My brother. Why him and not me?
Why does it have to hurt so much?
I don't know how much longer I can take it…