Birds and Bees

After taking his glasses off with one hand, Roland rubbed his face with the other, groaning inwardly. Whose brilliant idea was this again? God, it couldn't have been his. Had to be Adil's. Or Fred's. Wait, Fred wasn't old enough for this yet. Adil, then. It sure as Hell wasn't his idea because first he sucked at speeches and second he was not nearly drunk enough yet to start spouting off crazy ideas like this.

In fact, he wasn't drunk enough to execute said idea either. Who had talked him into this? This shit was not gonna go unpunished and—

"Well?" A blurry Argila was looking at him. He couldn't see her expression, but from her posture, her crossed arms, and her tone of voice, she was getting impatient.

And he had agreed to talk to the sole woman at the same time as the men? Jesus Christ, how drunk had he been when he had agreed to this?

"Well, it's... huh..." He put his glasses back on and wiped his sweaty palms on his pants. Where was the goddamn brandy?

"You should state your business quickly. Our time is short." Serph nodded, agreeing with his strategist and mouthpiece, as he always did. Did he ever talk? At all? As a matter of fact, why couldn't he just explain things to Gale—who was probably the least likely to laugh or ask embarrassing questions—so HE could have the delightful pleasure of transmitting the information to his team?

Holy Hell, so not drunk enough.

"There's been... concern that you need to know a few things about this world if you're going to live with us." Wow, he'd almost managed to say the whole thing without wanting the ground to open up and swallow him whole. What he'd give for a Society attack right now.

The four Embryons looked at each other, confusion written all over their faces. Except Gale, of course, but Cielo was apparently emoting for two. "Huh, what?" he asked, braids following his movements as he cocked his head to the side slightly.

"If this is about not eating your men, we're not stupid," Argilla objected. "We wouldn't eat our comrades."

"'Has nothing to do with that at all," he said, mentally cursing his men. He didn't know if it had been a joke or not, but having Adil tell him some of his men had been talking about checking to see if "the hot pink-haired AI" was some sort of sexbot had definitely not been the best part of his morning. He knew—he hoped—his men wouldn't go and rape Argilla—and frankly he wasn't afraid for Argilla and her sharp-toothed cleavage—but some might try to seduce her, and the few women in the Underground City might want to try out something new and oh God, he didn't want to think about this at all. "Do you mind if I...?" he asked as he pointed to his liquor cabinet behind him. Not that he waited for an answer before dashing to it and choosing something strong, along with the cleanest glass he could find.

Cielo twirled his finger by his temple and mouthed "loco" at no one in particular while he had his back turned, and Argilla snorted in agreement. The corners of Serph's lips even briefly curved upwards.

Roland poured himself a drink and downed it on his way back to his armchair, then poured himself another as soon as he was seated. "Some things are different in this world," it was much easier to speak while he was filling his glass, "and we just wanted to make sure that... you guys... and girl... had some basic information about it." Why was his glass so small? Why was his bottle already half-empty?

"What things," Gale asked, and it was odd how he could ask questions without any interrogative inflexion in his voice.

Roland had to finish his drink before mumbling "sex things." Why was he wondering if any of them had had sex at all in the Junkyard? Why would that have been included in the simulation at all? And why was a nagging voice reminding him that far more useless things had been included, like, say, a cat?

The silence stretched on as the Embryons looked at each other again, befuddled, and at Roland, who was lost in contemplation of the label on his bottle, looking like he was waiting for the ceiling to fall on him. "Huh, what things now?" Cielo finally asked.

"Sex," Roland repeated, a little louder, still staring at the label he knew by heart. "Like the things you have between your legs."

Cielo immediately closed his legs and crossed his feet.

"We already are aware each gender has different body parts. I do not see why this should be such a big revelation."

Roland shook his head, but boy was he grateful at least that part was covered. "I mean what you do with those parts."

Gale blinked, looking at Roland like he thought the man was a bit... slow. "We already know that too."

Roland heavily sighed in relief.

"They are for excreting wastes."

Roland nearly slammed his head against the coffee table. That had been too good to be true. "No, the other use."

That earned him not much more than a blink from Gale. "Other use?"

Just as Roland was mentally preparing himself for another dose of embarrassment, and another drink, Cielo slipped from his seat and around Serph to go whisper something in Gale's ear. Gale seemed quite confused by Cielo's words, whatever they were, and turned to look at the blue haired man. "What?" Then, after Cielo whispered some more to him, "But why would you do that?"

Frowning, Cielo shook his head, the beads of his braids clicking together. "For fun! Geeze..." Gale scratched the bridge of his nose, and Cielo rolled his eyes as he went back to his seat, knowing he had lost the guy.

As Gale tuned to him again, Roland wished he could hide behind his bottle. "You can rub these parts for... fun?"

"Yeeeah..." Roland dragged the word out, then he sipped more of the drink he had just poured himself. "Or you can, huh, rub them against someone else's. And... do other things with them. That's what I wanted to talk about." More drinks dammit!

Serph actually started talking then, startling everyone. " Do you mean like... intercourse? Heat mentioned something about that once..."

OH GOD. Roland nearly dropped his glass. OH GOD he did NOT need to know. Wait, wasn't this Heat a man too? Serph was... gay? YES! One less potential paternity disaster, thank you God! He downed the rest of his drink in celebration.

When he lowered the glass, he realized everyone was staring at him. "What? Oh, right. Yeah, I meant... intercourse. The other, other use," he added, though he couldn't say if Gale was any less confused now than two minutes ago. In fact, he was pretty sure none of them really knew what he was talking about. "Intercourse, or sex, or fucking," he poured himself another drink, "is when a guy takes his, huh, penis and... he puts it in the girl's vagina." Roland suddenly had newfound respect and admiration for his sixth grade sex ed teacher. At least here no one was laughing. Yet.

Argilla's eyebrows nearly met her hairline. "Serph is a girl?"

Good thing Roland's laptop was not on the coffee table, or it would have received a brandy shower. "What?" he sputtered, grabbing a tissue from the table. Fuck, alcohol up the nose!

"You just said it takes a guy's penis and a girl's vagina to have... sex, right? Then... Heat has a penis, so..."

"Z'at true brudda?" Cielo asked, looking at Serph's crotch.

"No!"

"Usually!" Roland shouted a bit louder than he had intended. "Usually, that's how it happens... but two guys can have sex too... or... two girls for that matter..." Don't look at Argilla don't look at Argilla don't look at Argilla...

Lowering his fingers from his forehead, Gale looked at Roland. "I do not quite grasp this concept. Obviously, a woman's body has a hole that the man can enter... but two men will have two protruding parts, and two women will have two holes... how does it work?"

If there was a better moment to beg to be struck down by God, Roland could not think of it. Gale didn't really ask him to explain how gay sex worked... RIGHT? He drank half his glass to steady himself. "Look, I'm just using the most common scenario as an example, okay? It's not the only way to have sex... but if I explain every single way we'll still be here in 5 years. You can... figure out the whole man with man scenario on your own..." he frowned a bit, and sipped his drink, "if that's the way you swing... of... course..." But Roland suspected Gale would do it in the spirit of scientific enquiry even if he didn't and he'd really, really prefer not to think about that thank you very much. And he didn't like the way Cielo was grinning either.

He went to pour himself another glass, but realized just then he had emptied the bottle earlier. Damn. "Excuse me," he muttered, and hurriedly got up to get another. What he'd give to be done already... at this rate he'd be dead of alcohol poisoning before he finished.

When he came back, Argilla was leaning forward to look at him, an eyebrow raised. "Was there a point to this whole conversation? Beside enabling you to drink a lot more than your share?"

For the first time since the evening started, Roland chuckled. "No, it's..." and then he realized he had done the whole thing backward, which made him chuckle even more, "well, sex can result in babies, and, well... it's something you should know. Especially Argilla."

All the Embryon males looked at Argilla, who was giving Roland an odd look. "Huh, I already knew that."

"I didn't!" Cielo protested. "Did you?" he asked the others. Serph shook his head, and Gale did as well.

Roland was a bit taken aback. What sort of weird programmers had implanted reproduction informations inside the female AIs—Argilla surely wasn't the only one in thousands of AIs to know this—and not the males?

"In short," Gale said, startling Roland out of his train of thought, "you are warning us not to do this sex activity, because you do not want us to reproduce. Is that correct?"

Roland sipped his drink, a bit ill at ease under Gale's piercing gaze. How much was it now? He had lost count. Or maybe he hadn't counted in the first place, too busy wishing he wasn't here. "I'm not warning you, I'm... ... all right I am warning you. I don't want you guys to go fooling around and get pregnant or sick."

"Sick? Like... a stomachache?" Argilla asked, blinking.

FUCK they didn't know THIS either. Just great. This situation was seriously lacking some godly smiting.

"Wouldn't it be more like... a penis...ache?" Cielo pointed out, almost making Roland choke on his drink.

Serph scratched his Atma mark. Heat never told him about this...

"No!" Roland coughed, trying to catch his breath. "... okay if it makes it easier for you, yes, you can get a penisache" what the fuck? "during sex."

Instead of closing their legs, wincing, or even showing any discomfort at the news, the guys just looked at each others, then seemed to brush it off. "Is there a cure?" Gale asked. If it was just a matter of taking a Dis-Penisache, why be alarmed? Not that Gale had any intention of testing his privates out... for now.

"Huh," Roland almost emptied his glass, not liking AT ALL where this was headed. "Not always?"

Frowning, Gale closed his eyes for a moment, deep in thought, then he looked at Roland again. "So, you are saying that every time you have sex with someone... you take the risk of becoming infected with something incurable?"

The Embryon seemed rather... shocked by Roland nodding in response to Gale. "Mon, dis don't sound right at all! Why try to have babies if you can die trying? ... it can kill you, right?"

"What? Heat never said anything about that!"

"What sane woman would want to risk that?"

As much as Roland was pleased that apparently he had turned off everyone in the room, including himself, from ever having sex (again?), that nagging voice was still there in the back of his mind, reminding him that yeah, they might be turned off now, but later on they might have strong enough feelings to just ignore his warnings and—

"Given the fact that people continue to have children and live, I suppose means of protection have been discovered," Gale pointed out, his eyebrow rising slightly as he looked at Roland.

—FUCK. NO. He was NOT going there, no way, no how, fuck this shit! He emptied his glass in one swift move, then poured himself another that he drank nearly as fast. The familiar, comforting warmth spread through him again, but unfortunately, it did nothing to shield him from Gale's unnerving stare. If anything, he was feeling it more clearly than ever, having not become used to it like Fred's disapproving stare.

Gale cocked his eyebrow slightly higher.

Roland suddenly slammed his glass down on the table and nearly jumped out of his seat like something had bit him, mumbling a vague, drunk "be right back" before he retreated from the room. There was solid thunk as the door swung out, smacking someone in the face, and then muffled cursing in French. Roland sighed heavily. Great. Now he had Adil to deal with too. He hurriedly slipped behind the door, then closed it loudly, warning the Embryon not to follow him.

"Yea, I guess after all these drinks, I'd really need to pee too," Cielo said as he crossed his hands behind his head and leaned back into the sofa.

As soon as the door was closed, Roland turned to face Adil, shooting him a heated glare. "Were you eavesdropping the whole time?" he hissed between his teeth, hoping the Embryon weren't able to hear.

Pressing a hand to his throbbing temple, Adil groaned. "I wanted to make sure they wouldn't try anything funny. You never know..."

Resting his back against the closed door, Roland yanked his glasses from his face and pressed the heel of one hand to his brow, slick with sweat, feeling a headache looming behind his eyeball. Despite this, he felt laughter bubble up inside his chest, and soon he couldn't contain it, laughing out loud in a slightly unhinged way that made Adil uncomfortable.

This whole situation was... beyond surreal. He had to end this, and he had to end it now, because he couldn't take much more. At this rate, he'd either jump off the bridge spanning over the chasm in the middle of town or drink himself to death. And this long before the Embryon would eat him as Adil believed they would. In fact, anything "funny" the Embryon would be likely to try right now would probably involve the loss of clothes and he was determined NOT to go there, ever, even if he had to shoot someone.

"I've spent the last half-hour or so trying to explain to them the birds and the bees—and by the way you are going to pay dearly for this—how on Earth can you even think this'll make them want to serve me up with a nice Chianti?"

"They have the virus," Adil reminded Roland, jabbing his thumb toward the door of the room.

Roland sighed and set his glasses back on his nose. "I know, they all have pretty obvious markings, thanks. I doubt I taste very good."

"Well... marinated meat..."

"Fuck you." Roland walked away, heading for his room to retrieve what he hoped would put an end to this exercise in awkwardness. "Don't go in there and make things worse. I'm sure they like French cuisine."

A shudder ran up Adil's spine at the thought.

"Here." Roland tossed a box of condoms, unopened of course, on the coffee table before letting himself fall into his seat, only to find his second bottle less full than earlier, and a few more glasses, not all empty, on the table. "Did you guys drink my brandy?"

"We just wanted to try it out," Cielo said, cheerful as ever, though it didn't cheer Roland as he poured himself yet another drink. "It seemed good, you drink so much of it. But it's really hard on de throat, ja? You should be careful."

Serph caught box of condoms and gave it a good look, but that too was something that Heat hadn't covered, so he handed the box to Gale, who quickly went to the task of opening it and extracting the long string of little square packages from it. "And how would one use these—"

"Instructions are in the box!" Roland sharply interrupted Gale, glowering at him. He was NOT going to explain that or draw any stupid diagrams or do any practical demonstrations, be it on a cucumber or a banana; he wouldn't even do it on God's fucking dick. However, just as he was going to take another sip, he paused, eyes widening slightly, mouth hanging half-open.

There was something... he didn't know how he had missed it, or actually he did because Gale was so damn hard to read and he was trying to avoid eye contact anyway, but he had seen it now, it definitely had been there, this... this spark of... amusement in the clear, green eyes was definitely not a trick his intoxicated mind was playing on him. "You..." he put his drink down, slowly. "... all this time... you were just making me talk?"

Gale said nothing, looking intently at Roland, his face perfectly neutral, and yet... He blinked, once, and slipped two condoms inside his pocket.