I walked away from my Catholic upbringing a long time ago and left praying behind with it. But I had never felt more desperate than I did racing up that hill in his rig. I prayed harder in the 120 seconds it took to reach that driveway than I had my entire life up to my first communion. These had been the longest two minutes of my life.
How the hell did I get here? To this point, in this place, with this man? My head was spinning and not just from the concussion I was sure I had suffered. The helmet had done little to protect me from that baseball bat. My stomach churned as I threw open the door and proceeded to throw up the last remaining contents of my stomach. The dizziness overtook me and I fell over. I tried to push myself up but my arms failed me. I couldn't beat the physical or emotional agony into submission.
Oh my God...Shaun. I just left him there. He was beaten as badly as I was, if not worse and I just left him back in that car. He tried so hard to be tough for me in there, to be someone I could count on. Still, he isn't a cop. He even knew before he saw how much danger we were in that he couldn't handle it on his own. That's why he had called Walt. He's never experienced anything close to what he did today. He's not trained for it. He wasn't prepared. He needs me to take charge and get us medical treatment, help him process what has happened, call for backup to take care of whatever was waiting up that driveway. That is what I do, who I am. Yet I left him all alone.
I knew it was not the job that had pulled me back up that hill. It was the man. When had my boss become more important than my husband?
Then again, why am wasting time trying to kid myself into believing Shaun is still the most important man in my life? I left him behind a long time ago too. I had just never realized why. Over the last few hours it is beginning to become more clear to me. I am aware that I am likely not the only one gaining that insight. The defeated look in Shaun's eyes when he realized that I was going back was not enough to stop me from adding to his pain.
What I really don't know now is what will happen to my pain when I am finally able to open my eyes and stand up.