Title: Burden
Rating: T
Genre: Angst/Tragedy
Author notes: Hey…This is my second Supernatural fic and I'm not sure that it is one of my best, but I just had to write it. I was inspired to write this after watching the season 2 episode Heart…so be kind and please let me know what you think, comments are always welcomed…just not too harsh :D
Summary: Spoilers for S2 episode Heart. Dean thinks about the burden they carry for doing what they do during the final scene between him, Sam and Madison. Hurt!Sam
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Supernatural characters or worlds…unfortunately, what I wouldn't give to own Sam and Dean sigh…
Burden
Are we cursed?
Are we really hated that much that my own brother has to stand and watch one person after another die in his life…another person he loved fall in the never ending battle that we call our lives?
Sure I've had my fare share of ladies on the road, but Sam…he's different, ever since Jessica died he hasn't let himself be happy, not really, he always keeping that heart of his hidden deep inside, not wanting to let it out in fear of it being broken again, he's strong but not that strong.
I guess he thought it was time to let it out, he had finally found someone he could show it to and someone who would show hers in return.
Madison, Madison, Madison…I knew from the get go she was gunna be a trouble maker, with those big eyes and spunky personality, I could tell Sam liked her from the start and I was happy, not jealous, but actually happy for him and I didn't hold back in letting him know.
But now I watch that very woman telling us that she would rather die than hurt someone else I knew there nothing that could change her mind, in that moment I knew my little brother was going to get his heart broken and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. What kind of a brother does that make me?
I can tell by Sam's face that he knows it too, but he is too damn stubborn to admit it, he wont give in, he wont have his heart broken again, hell I'm not sure he could come back from it another time around, he's still young, still my little brother, no way should he be treated like this, to have to see and do the things he does, the things we do.
Whilst kicking myself thinking over the crappy job I'm doing as a big brother, I barely notice that Madison has left the table and was now standing in front of Sam. God he looks so young…too young, he's vulnerable and it tares me apart to see him like this.
I'm not sure what I should be doing, it's not my place, these two obviously have something between them and I feel like I'm in the way, intruding on a secret connection that is only there for them. I shift to my feet nervously, coughing slightly I edge towards them, not wanting to waste the little time left my brother has with the first girl since Jessica he has been able to let in.
That's when I hear her say it, when she tells him the one thing I wish just as much as Sam does right now she hadn't…she asks him to do it, to kill her.
No matter how much I was expecting it, when it came, it still hit me like a truck, god knows what it done to Sammy, I'm not sure how much more of this he can take, he's never been good at hiding his emotions at least to me anyway and now was no different, his face gave it all away, the pain, the love.
I take the gun, wanting to take that responsibility away from him, I would rather I hold the burden of another life than my little brother have to carry it, he shouldn't have to, I'm the eldest, I should take it for him, not the other way around.
I leave them alone for a minute, giving him the time he needs to say goodbye, allowing him the moments to seal his heart back up again, to rebuild those walls most probably for the last time if I know my brother.
But then he surprises me all over again, he walks away.
I wait for a second, but when Madison didn't turn to acknowledge me I followed Sam into the next room.
I'm stilled to my spot at what I see, he's crying and I can feel my own throat tightening at the very sight. Right there in that moment he is no longer just family, but my little brother down to every detail. He's back to that little boy that I have looked out for since the day he was born, the boy I mocked and teased…the brother I love. I so desperately want to pull him into my arms and tell him that everything is going to be alright like I would when we were kids, but I couldn't, not now, too much has happened; nothing can be fixed back to what it was.
"Sam" My voice is harsh and lost even to myself, I wanted nothing more than to call him Sammy, to pretend that this was just like any other night like when we were young when Dad went away, but it was too late, so instead I take on that role…the role of the big brother, ready and waiting to do what he shouldn't have to.
He turns around and he's broken, weak, his face tear stained for a love he never realised he could feel again and I feel guilty knowing that I can't do anything, I should be able to fix this, to make it right…but I can at least try.
I offer to do it for him, to take the burden, but of course this is Sam we're talking about, he won't let me.
"I'll do it" So simple, so cold.
This is what this life has driven him too.
He takes my gun and I feel powerless in my actions, I want to stop him, to pull the gun back and walk away with the stiff upper lip, determined in my mission, ready to do what was necessary, but I didn't and I hate myself for it, I guess I'm getting weak in the years of hunting…or maybe it's just that I'm weak when it comes to my brother.
I watch him standing just before me with the gun tightly in his grip, his face in complete opposite to the turmoil of his heart, little Sammy is standing in front of me, pain emanating from his very presence and all I can do is watch.
I blink and he's gone, his shadow still lingering from his previous position and its then that I finally let go, only then can I drop the big brother façade just for a moment, just a brief moment I am just a man with emotions of my own, shedding a single tear for the slightest shard of goodness I stripped from my brother.
The resounding bang of the gun echoes through the apartment, jolting my bones, startling a wounded heart of my very own.
Sam shouldn't have had to do that, to kill a woman he probably could have loved and I shouldn't have to carry the burden of two men's guilt, but hey there's always a price for doing what we do.
We must be cursed because there is no way the good people in the world should have to go through what we do everyday.
Don't we deserve to be saved once in a while?
But until then we will keep going, keep fighting and hunting, keeping the world safe from the bad that fills it each and everyday and maybe, just maybe, one day we will be given the chance to be happy ourselves, maybe a day will come when I can leave that burden behind and just be the big brother I want to be.
Well? What did you think?
I don't think this was one of my best, but i would love to hear what you thought, constructive critcism is welcome :D
Cee xx