Letter # 87.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I'm not Marky! ;)
Dear Lucas,
The past few days have been kinda unexpected..
For Nathan, Haley, little Jamie, Skills and you, the death of Q has been a reminder about how short is life. How unfear it is.
For me, it's been the "accident" who was my breaking point.
And for Peyton and you, your almost wedding. Finally, do people who are meant to be together find their way ? I don't know, Luke. If you are made for Peyton, it would mean you were not made for me. I know. I thought I was over it, too.
The point is: Q is dead.
I think I'm dead, too.
Not because of your little wedding. It could have get over it. My best friend is happy, that's why. If her life is beautiful, then I know I can live with it.
But Q is dead, that's a fact.
and I know I'm dead too. Not physically, but emotionnaly.
Q is dead, and everybody is crying, because they loved him.
I'm just dead. Point.
I know it's wrong to compare Quentin's death with my "little accident". I fell down the stairs, right?
I can't believe Peyton believed me so easily. I'm glad she did, though.
I can't believe either that Nathan saw through me. I definitly has a thing with the Scott men.
The truth is, I can't look at you in the eyes, because I know you will see through me. I'm avoiding you because I know you will make me talk. And I'm not ready. And I don't wanna talk about it. I want to forget what happened. But I can't.
I can't talk to you because you will know I'm mad at you. And I shouldn't be. But I am.
I am mad because you promised me you would rescue me from all of it. And you never did. Not once. And I'm mad at you because when I was on the floor, being beaten and touched, I was remembering all of your promises. And it gave me Hope. How dare you give me hope, Lucas? It's harder to survive this when you had this stupid hope in yourself, telling you that he will come rescue you, and make it all go away.
I'm sure you would want to take it all away. But you can't anymore, can you? You can't errase your words, and you can't errase my memories. And all those moments, I will always remember them. And I will blame you everytime I will.
You gave me hope,
and that's why I love you. And hate you. God, I hate you. Is that wrong? I don't know anything anymore. All I know is that I'm hurt, and I can't stand to feel the pain of everyone around and mine, all at the same time. Seeing all of you is hurting me even more. Because I'm the one who's supposed to carry on all of you. But I can't anymore. I can't even carry myself.
You gave me hope,
and now you're gone. The hope is gone too. Does that make any sense to you? Because I can't find anything whose making any sense right now. All I know, all I feel, everything is a blur today. It's been like that for a while.
You're gone,
And I need to go to. And you need to let me. You have to. You own me that, don't you?
I'm gone,
like Angie is gone. Like you're gone. Like my parent's gone. Peyton was right: people always leave. I guess she knows what she's talking about, right? She's gone to many times to count. But she always came back. But I don't think this time she will. She has you, now. She always loved you more than me. I'm not saying that to guilt you. It's just a fact.
Love.
I thought it was all it was about. Now I know I was wrong. Revenge it's what is all about. I will take mine.
I think I should have talk to Nathan, he would have understand. But he would have wanna help. I don't wanna him involved. He has a family counting on him, and I'm not his family. Not anymore.
I thought I was a party of a family. I thought you, me, Peyton, Natie, Haley, Skills, Mouth, Millie, Junk & Fergie, we were a family. I was wrong.
The Scott are a family. The others, they just turning around them, not entering the little private club. I'm not a part of it. Does that hurt? Yeah. Does that make me sad? Not anymore. I got it a long time ago.
I have to go now. Don't worry about me, I'm a big girl wearing diamants... and a gun. My mother will know she's not a part of my family either. Because I and my hatred, that's my only family.
I guess you won't see me for a while... Maybe more than a while, actually. Who cares? Time is just time, right ?
With what's rest of myself,
Brooke Peneloppe Davis.