Shadowed

I don't remember how long I've been waiting. Hours. Years. Through three cans of beans anyway, and I don't know when I'll make it back to one of my stashes.

But there she is, coming through the door, the Handheld Portal Device raised and ready. She's prepared to do battle, her face full of the strain of survival, just as I know mine would be, if I could stand to look in a mirror. Yet in the occasional quiet moment when she isn't thinking of being trapped in here with only that voice driving her through each test… she's serene and peaceful. Beautiful. Radiant. I could look at her face all day.

Sometimes I do.

'Do you think she'll make it?' the Cube whispers softly, and I lay a rough hand on her edge without looking down.

"She has to. She's the only one."

'She'll need help. Are you going to go down there today?'

My stomach drops. "I can't," I barely manage to whisper.

'You don't just plan to step out of the shadows when she finally reaches the door, do you?'

"Of course not. This just isn't the time."

In truth, that's exactly what I'd been thinking of doing. She knows me well.

'It's never the time.'

"…It… What if…" My voice breaks and I have to clear my throat. "If she's not… real."

'She's real. You would know that if you would go down there.'

"I can't!" That was too loud. Below, she pauses to look around. I have to duck down.

'I'm sorry, Doug. I don't like to push you.'

"I'm not angry." Quiet, have to keep quiet, don't get upset, don't let it get to you, don't let it crush you, keep moving, keep calm, CALM, stay alive…

All is quiet for a moment. The lights buzz faintly.

'But we have to do something.'

My eyes fall on the worn book. Art Therapy.

"I know. And we will."

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She did it. She got out. If I'd only been faster…

'You did all you could.'

"I was afraid." I can't help but caress her lines. "I missed you."

'I was always here with you.'

"I'm sorry. I saved those pills for so long, and I thought…"

'You wanted to make a good first impression. I know. I understand.'

She's hurt, though, I know.

'You should rest.'

"Not yet."

I remember when my fingers used to fly over the keyboard. Before the neurotoxin. When I had a normal life. A lonely, medicated life. I thought I was persecuted then. I thought I was being watched.

If I had only known how much worse it could be.

Now I can barely force my finger to land on a single key. It's been too long since I slept. I've lost too much blood.

THERE.

"Chell."

It's a breath, not even a whisper. I've never spoken her name. It's like a wish, a prayer.

She is only a numbered relaxation chamber here, but that number burns into my eyes.

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I can barely remember climbing into the relaxation pod. Hers. I thought it might bring me hopeful dreams.

At this point, it's dangerous to be so naïve.

"Did… I'm sorry, did I step on you?" My mind is still fuzzy from the long sleep, and my eyes are gritty. My leg – I was shot by turrets. Yes. It's stiff, but… still in one piece. Looking around proves to be a mistake, as the walls begin to shift and contract. I have to close my eyes again.

'Easy.' Her voice is always so soft, so gentle. So soothing. 'You've been asleep for a long time. Take it slow.'

"How long was I out?"

'It's been… years. Nine… Ninety. Nine hundred.'

"Nine HUNDRED!?"

'I can't be sure, my internal clock is fixated on nine. But don't worry. Nothing's happened.'

"H-how… how can you say nothing's happened!"

'Plants have been growing. I've seen a few birds, that was exciting. Once I heard a core go by on a management rail outside. But that's all.'

I have to look around. Everything's fallen apart, there's dirt and stains on every surface. Plants have crept in. They look so out of place here.

They are the single best thing I've seen in this godforsaken hole since I last saw… Chell. They're reclaiming this place. And they should have it. As for she and I, we belong out there. We can…

I catch a glimpse of my face reflected in the lid of the relaxation pod, and it hits me hard. My awful mismatched eyes, staring hard out of my dirty, gaunt face. I would never be able to match that to my old employee ID picture. I barely recognize myself as human.

SHE belongs out there. That beautiful, tenacious woman who flies through every test, and never gives up. She's a creature of Outside.

I don't belong there, up in the sun. I don't belong here. There's nowhere for me.

But I can't wallow in melancholy. I have to check on her, and then I have to mark her way so she can escape this terrible place and feel the sun on her face again.

'There's a can of beans over by the door. It's not much, but you need to eat.'

"So thoughtful…"

I can't walk in any kind of straight line, but I manage to get to the can in a haphazardly staggering zigzag. If only the floor would stay still…

It's bad after I wake up. Things take a while to settle down.

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I wonder what she must think when she sees the walls. I know I've been able to help her sometimes. Pointing the way. Telling the story. I always have to leave after I've finished a portrait of her. So like an angel, and I know when she sees it, she'll be frightened, disgusted. As if she wasn't watched enough in this place.

But I know she's found some of my dens, too. Where I work out equations and ramble and repeat myself and sometimes I can't even read what I've written.

It's worse when I can. I know it must horrify her.

If only I could have gotten to her before that terrible construct dragged her inside. I was all right for a while, with the last of my pills, long-expired, but still effective to a point. THEN I could have pulled her away, cared for her, kept her safe before…

…Before the drugs left my system and she saw me for what I am.

'You don't need that,' the Cube reminds me softly.

"It doesn't matter anymore, it's gone."

I haven't really slept since waking up in the pod. I've passed out from exhaustion a few times. But I don't know when she might wake up, and now that She… the other one… is gone, it should be a clear shot to the surface. Not easy, but so much safer now. So she'll be all right. I haven't ruined this. I AM helping her.

She's alive. That was the first thing I checked. Sleeping peacefully as if she could just open her eyes and go off to live like a human being.

Some day, she will. She has to have that chance.

'Doug. Get up. Hurry.'

I must have fallen asleep. There's paint and grime on my face as I pull myself up off the floor.

'We have to get out of here. She's…'

"You're getting sloppy."

That terrible mechanical voice that ISN'T Ms. Caroline chases every thought from my mind, and I can only scramble away, racing for the nearest hole –

The floor panel shoots up, knocking me on my back. On the Cube. She screams as my back explodes with pain, and then blackness overtakes me.

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"I'll wait - I'll wait one hour. Then I'll come back, and, assuming I can locate your dead body, I'll bury you. All right? Brilliant! Go team!"

She heard his voice falter as it faded into the distance. The only sound was the dripping and sparking and fizzing of… of Aperture itself.

It wasn't like before. The cameras were dark. She was really alone. Everything had been overtaken by nature and time. How much time? There was no way of knowing…

Still stiff and groggy from her long sleep, the woman tested each limb to be sure nothing was broken. She didn't know what she would do if something WAS. But everything seemed in order, just a few scrapes and what felt like some nasty bruising. Time to move on. Always time to move on.

She turned towards the tunnel and hesitated. Black arrows on the wall, and 'FORWARD' written hurriedly.

So she wasn't alone.

Her old friend, who had pointed the way before, who hid in the walls, was still there.

Everything about this place made her guarded. But every message on the wall made her heart open a little. She relaxed a fraction and followed the arrows.

The little AI who glowed blue… she wasn't sure what to make of him. He certainly kept the place from getting too quiet. She'd been so fuzzy from extended relaxation that half of what he'd said had flown right by her. He seemed friendly, though. He was trying to help her, even if it WAS partially to help himself. She couldn't blame him for that.

But now that she had found the writing on the wall again, there was still a chance that she might find the other person, whom she'd always looked for but never seen. The thought pushed her on as it had before. This person knew where to go. They had never led her astray. They knew the dangers of this place, and so many other things she didn't quite grasp.

Finally she came to a room. She didn't even notice the steps curving up to the portal gun, because of the murals painted.

Her eyes were immediately drawn to the huge portrait of herself. The exhaustion and strain and stress were gone, leaving her looking peaceful. Soft and strong at the same time.

The idea of someone watching her sleep had always bothered her, and she'd hesitated to rest at all during her last trip through Aperture. But this… this was the one who was helping her. Who pointed the way. And there was nothing threatening or wrong about this.

She made a circuit of the room, examining each picture. The story of the scientists creating the terrible machine long ago, and being killed. The Companion Cube was always there, and there was a person with the glowing orange head. It looked like he was hiding behind the Cube, and then… either standing behind it, or he WAS the Cube now. It was hard to tell. There was the Central Core Herself, offering Chell cake. Her downfall. The person with the orange head holding the portal gun. That was the artist, she realized, her heart rising, though she was confused about the picture. What was the glowing orange head supposed to mean?

And Chell herself.

She had to see this person. She wanted to touch them, just to physically connect with this other human for a second, because she KNEW it was a human, not some robotic creature. She wanted to ask so many things, but she knew she couldn't.

Slowly, she ascended the staircase to take the portal gun.

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'Doug! Wake up! Please! She's gone, but I don't know for how long! You have to… Don't… don't leave. Please… be here. Please, Doug, wake up.'

I feel strange. Lightheaded. And I can't see anything. Or move. I remember the Voice, and falling backwards onto the Cube…

Did I break my back? Am I paralyzed? I'm not in pain. In fact, I don't feel much of anything.

Paralysis. And possibly blind. There is no worse fate I can imagine than to be paralyzed in this place.

I can't seem to make my mouth work, or make any noise at all.

'Doug? Slow down.'

I can't see her, but I can hear her, and that's all I have to hold onto. She's here, the Cube is here, I have my one constant, my true friend through everything, even if She has me in Her power…

'Doug, stop. Listen to me. A lot has happened. It's been days since we were caught.'

But I can't move or see or speak or ANSWER her, oh god, but I can FEEL the dark shifting and forming and closing in –

'DOUG! I can hear you, I'm here.'

…She can… How can she… I'm not speaking. I can't.

'I can hear you anyway. You could always hear me, and I can always hear you. I'm here.'

She's… here. She's still here with me. Oh. All right… But…

'Will you listen to me? There's a lot you've missed.'

Right. She mentioned that. …You mentioned that. You can hear when I… think. That's… that's strange…

'It's not, really. Can you calm down now?'

It is, though. Like this. Whatever we're doing. You… know everything I think…

EVERYTHING I THINK!? Ohgodohgodohgod, keep my mind blank, don't think about anything, nothing, nothing, nothing –

'Doug, you're being silly.'

Don't think, don't think, don't think…

Suddenly I… feel… her. I don't know how else to think of it. It's like sunlight and the softest blanket and the… the embrace of…

No, thinking nothing. God, I can't do this, look what kinds of things I think. She'll think I'm disgusting and horrible. I am.

'I know you already. You couldn't think anything to make me think less of you.'

She – You'll know I'm crazy now.

'You're not crazy. I've always known your thoughts. You're fine, Doug.'

How can she sound so calm!? I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. How can I be fine?

'Doug, I'm not going to talk to you until you stop this.'

How can I look at you after this? How can I talk to – ohh, I have to stop, this is awful, how could this happen?

'If you'll calm down, I'll tell you.'

I don't even know how to do that, I'm in a storm, I can't hold on, can't touch the ground, can't reach out –

She's with me again, pulling me back down. Holding me until the dark shapes recede again. How… how do you do that?

'You're with me. Are you ready to listen?'

I'll… I'll try.

'Good. She caught us, you know that. She… well… Listen, Doug, this is… Please just stay calm for this.'

That makes it harder. What is it? What happened?

'I know. Do you remember when Caroline was transferred to the computer?'

What – Of course. It… It was the most horrible thing I've… Why?

'It… She did that. To you. You screamed so much, I… I couldn't stand it. I almost went insane, just the sound, the PAIN…'

What… What are you saying? What do you mean? I don't even…

'You're with me now. Inside of me. You and I… are BOTH the Cube now.'

…

'…Doug? Are you all right?'

How… Why the HELL would She do that!? I don't remember any of that! But I remember everything before! That doesn't make sense! It didn't work that way with Her.

'I think she did it a little differently. I don't know exactly. I wasn't conscious for all of it, either.'

Two… personalities shouldn't be able to exist in one… vessel.

'Why not? But there's more.'

MORE!? How on Earth can there be more than THAT!?

'Not about us. About her. Chell.'

Chell! What is it? What happened!?

'She was with that personality core. They woke Her up, before She caught us. After She finished the procedure, Chell plugged the core into the Core Transfer Receptacle, and he replaced Her.'

Oh no…

'Exactly. He lost his mind and tried to destroy her. The whole facility barely escaped a meltdown.'

No, no, no…

'Chell teamed up with… with Her, Doug. They worked together. I don't know all the details, but… when they got back, they were working as a team. They plugged some corrupt cores into the central chassis, and made the central core corrupt.'

I thought he'd help her. I can't believe I was so naïve.

'No, listen. You should have seen Chell. She was incredible. She shot a portal through a hole in the ceiling, all the way to the MOON, Doug. Have you ever heard of anything so amazing?'

…That shouldn't be possible. It actually worked?

'It did! And when the core was ejected, She reclaimed the chassis and pulled Chell back from space.'

And?

'…And that was just a few hours ago. I've been trying and trying to wake you up. We've been in the incinerator since then.'

The… incinerator? I don't feel anything.

'We're functional in temperatures far higher than this. And I'm shielding you from sensation.'

Oh no… You can't… I don't want you to…

'It's too new to you, Doug. You're not ready for it yet. I won't shield you forever, though. …But Chell is alive.'

I can't let you – What? After being in space? Where is she?

'Sleeping. Just sleeping. In a relaxation chamber.'

We have to help her.

'Doug, we can't. We're in the incinerator. And we can't move like that.'

We can't just –

There's a creaking, and I feel the Cube… the other half of the Cube… shudder. Then sharp metal claws are lifting us, and I'm dizzy. Is this how it felt when I carried her?

'No. It might take a while to get used to. At least we're out of the incinerator.'

What's happening? Is it Her again?'

'One of Her servants. A testing robot.'

I'm going to be sick.

'You can't.'

I wish I could.

We're going up, it's the elevator, I know the sound.

'Ohh, I'm all singed…'

You're beautiful.

'You can't see. And WE are beautiful.'

I'm so glad I'm with you. I'd fall apart without you.

'I'm glad too.'

The elevator stops, and we're flung into the air. We hit the ground and tumble edge-over-edge a few times. There's a loud metallic bang –

Wait. Ground. Not panels, not floor… ground.

There's a touch. A rough hand, shaking a little, but as a second one touches our other side, they grip us and lift us up.

It's her. Oh god, it's her, I KNOW it's her…

'It is. You're right.'

Can YOU see?

'Not SEE, exactly. Not the way you did. I can perceive more than you can right now. But you'll learn over time.'

She's moving now. We're resting against her body, and she's limping a little, but she's so strong, she walks so purposefully. This isn't like that robot's movement.

'Doug? How are you feeling?'

…I feel good. Clear. Grounded. I'm with you. We're outside. She's here – she's HOLDING us. And I don't have to worry about what she'll think when I talk to her.

'Do you really think she would think badly of you?'

I do. I have to expect that she might. But now it doesn't matter. Now it's all right.

'I miss your body. But I'm glad you're with me, Doug.'

I'm glad, too.