Hello my darlings. This is a birthday fic for my mom, who found the idea hilarious (of course she was suffering sleep deprivation at the time, so who knows.)

Warning: Juvenile humor ahead

Disclaimer: If I owned Atlantis, I would renounce my male harem!

John had to wonder, 'why was it always them?' It seemed the premiere team of Atlantis could never have one mission that went as planned. P3X-742 had seemed a nice enough planet until they stepped through the gate. A light drizzle had persisted during their mission which quickly turned into a torrential downpour on the team's return to the gate. Naturally, one of the team had to be injured and Rodney seemed to draw the short stick.

John focused in on his downed team mate. "How ya doin' Rodney?"

Rodney shot Sheppard the look he usually reserved for Kavanaugh. "I just fell down a mountain! How do you think I'm doing?"

"Well your mouth seems to be working at any rate." John reached out his hand to the disgruntled scientist. "Besides McKay, it was just a little hill."

Rodney winced as John helped pull him to his feet. As soon as he was standing Rodney pushed John's hands away, ready to start in on a long rant only to let out a sharp hiss when he settled all his weight on his left foot. Slightly woozy he glanced at Teyla before falling down to the ground. "I'm going to sit down now Teyla."

"But you are already sitting Rodney."

"Eh, details."

John kneeled down and carefully removed Rodney's boot. He gently prodded Rodney's ankle while noticing the rapid swelling. "Well it's not broken. Teyla head on back to the gate and ask them to send a jumper through." Teyla nodded and gave an encouraging glance to Rodney before setting off. Rodney began pouting and whining when John made him stand back up.

"If you're sending for the jumper then why can't I just stay where I am?"

"Look around you Rodney, does it look like the jumper can fit down here. Now let's get moving, we just have to make it to the top of the hill. Ronan I'll help Rodney but follow behind in case he slips."

They were making slow but determined progress until Rodney came to a sudden halt. John shot him a concerned look which Rodney waved off before leaning in.

"Shhh… do you smell something?"

John thought to question the oddity of that question but the loud thud he heard took precedence. John turned around only to gape at the sight that met his eyes.

Carson carefully piloted the jumper down for a landing. "And you're sure it wasn't anything serious lass?"

"I do not believe so Dr. Beckett. Colonel Sheppard seemed to think it only a sprain."

The two emerged from the jumper to be met by the sight of Ronan, Rodney, and John surrounding a downed Wraith, each taking a turn to nudge at it with the toe of their boot- or in Rodney's case a pointy stick.

"Och, what do ye think ye're doin'?"

The three glanced at Carson before looking back down at the Wraith corpse. John glanced back again with a broad grin on his face. "Don't worry Carson, it's dead."

Carson cautiously edged closer.

"And how did it die then?"

Rodney and John both glanced over at Ronan before looking back to Beckett.

"I dinna ken, Ronan's killed plenty of Wraith. Why's this one so different?"

John looked away but Rodney gleefully spilled his guts despite Ronan's knuckle cracking.

"I was manfully surpressing my pain as Flyboy dragged me up the mountain. Mr. Cave Man was behind us and then there was a noxious smell and thud, dead Wraith. My own personal hypothesis is that there is an element in the gas that is lethal for the Wraith. Of course, we'll have to run some tests to see if we can't isolate what it was."

Rodney gave an expectant look at Carson, but Carson was dumbfounded.

"I dinna understand Rodney. What gas?"

Rodney nearly stamped his foot in vexation, 'must he be eternally surrounded by idiots?'

"Carson I already explained it. Surely even you should have been able to follow; and you call yourself a voodoo practitioner. If you need it spelled out for you, he ripped one off."

Ronan put into practice his threatening gaze, nearly growling to boot.

"McKay."

"What? It's true! You killed off a Wraith with your body odor, kudos to you. Although it's reassuring that it was good for something."

John looked skyward, shoulders heaving as he tried desperately not to laugh out loud. Teyla looked on with a resigned air; sometimes she just didn't understand these Earthlings. Carson sighed wearily.

"Rodney, are you trying to tell me that Ronan killed a Wraith by breaking wind? Are you out of your senses man? Colonel, just what did you give him?"

"I'm entirely sane Carson. I personally think it was the combination of the Tava beans from this galaxy and the ones from Earth. I thought it was rather disgusting myself but Ronan seemed to inhale them. You can do all the tests you want to prove that I'm right after we're back in Atlantis and you've fixed my ankle."

Elizabeth Weir rubbed at her aching temples. Things like this only happened in the Pegasus galaxy. She couldn't believe what she had been told but Carson's tests were conclusive, much to his chagrin. Rodney had been gloating ever since. Good grief, how was she ever going to explain this to General Landry?

Sometime later at the SGC

General Landry was going through the most recent stack of requisitions to be approved to send on to Atlantis when he noticed a side note from Dr. Weir:

General Landry,

We have discovered a simple yet effective means of dealing with the Wraith. I would like to request that you send as many beans as you can as they are needed to power the weapon.

Elizabeth Weir

El Fin.

Legessa

Creator of Chaos and Destruction since 1982

Cookies to all who spotted the Ghostbusters line. Not like it was obscure, but then again not everyone is raised on the classics.

REVIEW PLEASE