Hi! I'll confess, I'm new to CCS. I just saw the dubbed version on TV and decided I loved it. So, I investigated more and I learned a bit. So, I've been a CCS fan for about a week now, and have deemed myself inspired enough to write. This will not be incredibly accurate or IC, because I have never seen the manga, undubbed version and have only seen about six episodes all together, so I'm working mostly from guess. So I'm sorry that I will totally butcher the timeline, characters and pretty much everything else ^^
Also, this fic is a bit different from most that I've read. If someone's already done this, all the shame to me. Diehard Yue fans may want to avoid this fic.
Warnings: OOCness, butchered timeline, sadistic Yue, More-then-1 dimensional Yukito (at least I hope), angsty plot, implied yaoi, shounen ai (T+Y, one sided Y+Y)
D/c: I own nothing except this fic.
Yin and Yang: A Moonlight Sonata
Yukito smiled and closed his eyes, allowing the soft music to run into his ears, floating past his mind slowly, haltingly, hauntingly. It ran around his mind, causing a warm sensation, seductively turning off all other thoughts, entrancing him, allowing him to just stop and become mellow. He liked these moments, in the music room, just listening to the skilled hands of Touya as he ran his fingers up and down the slim keys, playing melodies Yukito's simple mind had never bothered to learn before. Every song he would listen to closely, almost as if trying to read the score on his eyelids, slowly memorizing every note, every pause, every crescendo. It allowed him to simply walk away from all his problems and be one with the music. He mostly did it to get away from me.
Touya stopped playing and smiled at his friend. "Isn't it time we started heading for home?" Yukito awoke from his meditative state, and started to panic.
"Touya, could you please play a bit longer?" he begged, looking up in terror. His companion studied him, slightly alarmed.
Yukito…
Yukito shuddered involuntarily.
"Yuki, are you all right?" he frowned, moving from the piano bench to kneel before the snow rabbit, reaching out and stroking his forehead.
"Please." The grey hair man asked feverishly. "Please. Just one more song." Touya frowned, but went back to the piano bench and once again pressed on the well used keys, playing a stirring Moonlight Sonata. Yukito relaxed and closed his eyes once again, allowing the music to wash over him. I was once again pushed to the very outmost limits of his consciousness. I smirked. It didn't matter. He couldn't hide from me forever.
Yukito...
"Feudal society." He said loudly, trying to ignore me. Trying to convince himself he was stronger then me. It was laughable.
Why study? You'll fail anyway.
Taking a steady breath, Yukito started to read the textbook out loud in a strong, demanding voice. I smiled. He couldn't hide. I had felt the mental tremor running through him, wondering if I was right, wondering if he should just crawl in a corner and die.
You're not supposed to be intelligent, rabbit. You were made for one purpose, and for that purpose only. You are my mask. Not a mathematician, not an athlete, not a friend, not human. You are an object that is movable, replaceable.
His reading faltered, and he started to stutter. Another tremor. Was that all he was here for? Was he that unimportant? Wasn't he human? And this time, a response.
I'm human.
I laughed.
Humans have pasts, actual pasts they can remember and draw from. All you have is memories, which I handcrafted for you. Humans have free will. I can control you. I can take over whenever I want to. I can read your thoughts, and tell you which ones are right, which ones are wrong, and all that is in between. You cannot deny this.
He fell silent and stopped focusing as the feelings truly took over. The regret, guilt, shame, sadness, fear, loneliness… The world I had created for him. For me. He was truly mine when he entered this world.
You can't say anything, can you? No wonder people don't talk to you. You're utterly useless. You just sit there, smiling, nodding. You never have anything to add to a conversation. You're so one dimensional. You don't have feelings. Not many, anyway. The ones you do have are pathetic. 'Oh, I'm sorry, did I almost brush by you? I hope it wasn't an inconvenience! Yes, just ignore me and my 200 pound sack of food.'
Yukito winced, dropping his pencil and hugging his knees.
Stop it.
Stop it?! I laughed. Stop it? Why don't you stop eating? You're such a pig. Its amazing Touya even wants to touch you after seeing you eat so much every day. How did Sakura or Li ever had crushes on you. You're like some kind of garbage disposal, except you never fill up, do you?
I knew I was a large part of the reason he ate. Yukito always tried to fill the little spot inside of his with food. I was that little spot, never giving him release, always there, like stomach cancer. I liked to remind him that someone else was home, always watching him, judging him. I reminded him that he did not exist, but I did. Mine.
What did I do? He cried, nearly breaking down in tears. I sneered at the water in his eyes. What had he done? He'd gone on and found that little brat, Sakura, and all her friends. He had found Touya. He had tried to fill the gap. My rabbit needed to know that he could not try to leave me behind, because I would always come back, no matter how many times he tried to get rid of me. I was part of him, and we could never be separated.
He skipped breakfast the next morning. I laughed. It was so easy to break him. He ran through his usual routine of getting up, getting dressed, brushing his teeth, etc. This gave me a bit of pleasure. In the early morning, he rarely quite realized I was there. Too busy with trying to stay conscious. Yukito wasn't a morning person. Nevertheless, this gave me the opportunity to simply observe him naturally, without people around, without his guards up. It was very natural. So, naturally I despised it when he slept over at the Kinomoto house. It completely disrupted my morning. That brutish jock would capture Yukito's attention, and make him… happy. Something I could never hope to accomplish…
Touya obviously didn't care very much for Yukito. Yukito is weak, delicate, too open. The very opposite of my cold, tough closed ness. The yin to my yang. I had to toughen him. Make him ready for the real world. Some might call my way cruel, but no one would ever understand. Yukito had always had these insecurities. As soon as he had been let loose on the world, it torn him apart, making him wonder, making him sad, lonely, insecure. The world made him this way. I would fix him.
Before leaving the bathroom, Yukito looked cautiously into the mirror. Staring back at his was the same reflection he had seen for his entire existence. A small child. He always hated how he looked. So delicate, so insignificant. He hated his face, his eyes, his height, his structure, his hair. Come to think of it, there really wasn't a part of himself he liked. My rabbit's build had always been a constant source of his misery. He looked more like a junior high student then an adult. Altogether, he looked so weak, so breakable. I think that's one of the things that I relished in. I loved him small figure. It just made him hate himself even more. Made it easier for me to control him…
He shook his head, and rushed downstairs and out of the door to meet the Kinomotos. He couldn't wait to talk to Sakura. He went giddy at the thought of seeing Touya. Disgusting.
"Yuki, I don't get this." Touya frowned, going over his math homework, spread out over his bed.
Moron. I whispered to Yukito.
"Here, let me try." Yukito replied politely, reaching for the paper. Setting it in his lap, he rushed the numbers and symbols through his head, translating them into understandable language. To him, at least. He'd never know, but I admired his abilities with numbers. He was so… intelligent. Too bad such talent was wasted on someone as weak as him.
"It's basic geometry." The rabbit explained, hopping up on Touya's bed, placing the homework in front of them. "To figure out X, you have to find the hypotenuse of the triangle." He said, watching his lover's face. Touya nodded slowly, idiotically. He was far too slow for Yukito.
"How do you do that?" I seethed internally. How could be use Yukito like a homework mule? Yet, the grey haired weakling was too polite to say no.
I can't believe you simply let him take advantage of you like this. You're so weak.
"A squared + b squared= c squared."
"But Yuki." He frowned. "We're trying to find X." Yukito laughed, and gently explained the concept to his friend. I hated Touya. Hated him with a passion. He allowed his friend, his lover, to be so weak and afraid. He thought he could protect Yukito. Well, he couldn't. And yet, somehow, he managed to make Yukito feel safe and secure. It reminded me of Clow…
I was only trying to save him from himself… from the world… yet somehow, I come out the bad guy in all of this. The rabbit thinks he may even hate me sometimes. He doesn't understand. Touya is harming him. Why is he so blind? Why is Touya so blind? He was Yukito's heart in the palm of his hand. He could make the rabbit do anything. Not to say that I don't have my own power over Yukito. It just wasn't quite as strong as the moron's. While Touya basked in Yukito's kindness, I tore at him for it. One day, someone will take advantage of his kindness, and then where will poor Touya be without his 'Yuki'? They sicken me. How can that baka allow the rabbit to stay so naïveté? So easily hurt? The world was set on destroying my rabbit, but I wouldn't let them. I'd toughen him up; I'd make him stronger. Or else I'd take him down with me.
"I'm tired of studying." Touya whispered. "But I'm sure we could find other activities." He bit down gently on the rabbit's neck. Yukito gasped as the sensation ran throughout his… through our… small frame.
"But… you're not… you're not doing well…. with… with…" another lost battle as we were pulled down, homework forgotten.
We entered the house late at night. Touya had tried to make him stay, but Yukito knew any more time and I would have snapped. I was getting less and less patient with them lately and I let him know. He was happy anyway. Rabbit gently set his bag near the counter and went to make something to eat, replaying the scenario in his head.
*
"Yukito?" Touya murmured, snapping the pale boy from his trance. "Are you all right?" Yukito's breath caught slightly as he gazed into his large hazel eyes, filled with concern.
"No." Yukito whispered back, trying not to let the fear show through his eyes. He knew Touya saw it, though the boy didn't comment on it.
"You know if there's anything bothering you, you can always talk to me, right?" Yukito smiled, appreciating the fact that he was one of the few people who would ever hear those words from him.
"I know." He replied, snuggling close to his friend, purposing loosing all eye contact. He felt Touya sigh at his reluctance to talk, but he didn't press it any further. Yukito let out a small sigh himself. He knew Touya was worried, but this wasn't on of those things that anyone could understand. He knew Touya would try to, but… he just couldn't. He couldn't.
*
I could see the question flashing across his mind as he cooked. Should he have said something? I growled angrily.
That's moronic. What would come out of you saying 'Oh, Yue hurt my feelings. Wa.'? He'd just get worried, but honestly, what could anyone do? They can't separate us. I am Sakura's guardian. What would happen if I wasn't there? You'd be much more useful if you'd keep your mouth shut once and a while. I felt him shrink. He knew I was right. I was always right.
You're so sensitive. I was angry. Very angry. He just went off and did his own little 'thing' with Touya, not caring how I would feel, and then had the audacity to think badly of me? He just couldn't see. I bet if someone glared at you you'd start crying. You're as bad physically too. A good wind can knock you over. No matter how much you eat you'll never weigh more then the average anorexic. You're so pathetic. His good mood slowly started to diminish as he peeled some potatoes, trying to ignore me. And failing.
He's using you. I hissed.
"Liar." He hissed into the cool air, peeling with a renew vigour.
You think Touya cares whether you're waiting at the corner tomorrow? Whether you go to his house tomorrow? Whether you 'study' with him tomorrow? He's just being polite. He thinks you're too fragile. He doesn't want to hurt you. His peel slowed as my words invaded his thoughts. Was I right? Could Touya just being playing along? Was it possible… he didn't… he didn't…
"Ow!" The rabbit yelped as the knife opened a small cut on his thumb. He dropped the knife in shock, hearing it clatter against the sink, as he watched the rich, red blood make a small trail on his porcelain skin. The effect was almost… surreal.
You know what? I egged. Maybe Touya would actually like you if you weighed more. I had crossed the line, mentioning Touya like this. Now he didn't have an independent thought of his own. Essentially, I was controlling him. It was a comforting thought as he reached up to get the peanut butter in the cupboard. He then slid down the kitchen cupboard, opened the jar and stuck his finger in, scooping up the substance, and then sucking it off. Yukito repeated this at an almost feverish pace, until he nearly had his entire hand scooping up the peanut butter. He couldn't focus, his thoughts ran wild and unchecked. All he wanted to do was gain weight. Make Touya like him again. Be loved… poor, lonely Yukito.
Slowly, he turned his attention to the slight metallic taste invading his senses with the dry, chewy peanut butter. It was blood. This somehow brought a sort of comfort to the rabbit in his crazed state. The pain, the anger, and most of all, the guilt… just seemed to float away in the throbbing cut, the red drops slowly forming… the knife…
It would all go away, would it? I goaded. I dare you. Just a few, small, incisions and it'll all be OK. Somewhere, he agreed with this. Abandoning the mess of peanut butter, he stood up over the sink again, gazing at the knife. In a trance, he reached for it, taking the wooden handle lightly in his grip, bringing it down towards his other hand, blade digging in… deeper. The skin has been penetrated. Deeper… blood started to flow… deeper… too deep. The pain had brought Yukito out of his sullen reverie and he glanced at the grey sink with it's lone potato, the knife, laced with blood, and his peanut putter/blood incrusted hands.
"K-kami… Kami sama…" he whispered, trying to breathe steadily. His heat raced, his mind clouded, his vision went darker, his legs didn't seem to have the strength to support him. Rabbit tried to breathe normally, but his breath came out in short gasps.
"What did you do?" He whispered, trying not to cry. I sneered.
I didn't do anything. You were the one who made such a mockery of yourself.
But… Oh Kami. My rabbit moaned in shame. His legs gave out, and he almost fell to the floor, yet his hands grabbed the sink ledge in a desperate move to save him. It worked, as he regained strength, and pushed himself up. Still breathing heavily, Yukito took a wash cloth and gently started to rinse the peanut butter and blood from his face and hands. He wiped down the kitchen, cleaning the blood off his hand from tie to time. When he was done, he put the cloth in the sink, and headed for his medicine cabinet.
You are nothing. I whispered. Yukito sighed.
Stop it.
You. Are. Nothing. I insisted, watching angrily as he bandaged his hand. You are a mask I can pull off at any time, you have no more depth then the average carton character. You have no past, you do not learn, you don't forget. You're not human. You are my false form… I felt him shudder.
Stop it.
You can't take the truth, can you? I continued, as he walked back downstairs. Knowing that what you feel, what you think, what you do, it doesn't matter. The only future you have is guarding Sakura, and it is only your future because it is my destiny…
That's enough.
What you feel for Sakura? That's not real. What you feel for Touya? That's not real. Your 'natural' ability at being good at everything? That's me. Your intelligence? That's me. You have nothing that is your own…
Don't push it.
…nothing that is human. The few qualities you DO have are what I created you to be. You're weak, physically and mentally, blind, and bound to me until the day we die…
"SHUT UP!" he yelled, covering his ears. "I am, I exist, I feel, I think, I-" The phone rang. Trembling from the adrenaline, Yukito walked over and picked it up. "Hello?"
"Yukito, are you alright?" Wincing, Yukito chastised himself as he heard the concerned voice. Who else could it have been?
"I'm OK." He replied.
Liar.
"Yukito…" the voice sighed.
"You don't have to worry, Touya."
"Yes, I do. I know something's wrong, Yuki. You can't hide it from me." Yukito looked down, slightly ashamed. How could he think he could ever hide something from Touya? "And it hurts that you don't trust me enough to tell me."
"Touya…" he weakly grasped at the phone.
"No, let me finish." He interrupted. "Your problems aren't a burden to me. What does hurt me is when you keep secrets. I want to help you, but you make it hard sometimes." The rabbit felt the guilt building up and coming to a ball in his throat. "So, I want you to know, that no matter what happens, no matter whn you feel like talking, day or night, I'll always be there." He gripped the phone so hard his knuckles turned white.
"A-Arigato…" Yukito blinked, trying to hold back the tears. Then he slowly hung up the phone. He sat there, listening to it ring. Then stop. Then ring. Then stop again, until Touya seemed to have given up.
You are nothing. I whispered.
"I am… nothing."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
OK, I have a few questions to ask reviewers.
Did I portray Yukito as more then 1 dimensional? Did I over do it on Yue's (kind of) insanity? How badly did I butcher everything? Should this remain as a stand alone, or should I add more?I was thinking of adding a chapter from Yukito's POV or maybe making it into a series. It just don't seem right to leave Yukito all depressed. I'd like to know what other people think.
A big thanks goes out to my friend forever, Daisyoe, who beta'd the fic. If you have any complaints, send them to her.
Anyway, thanks for listening,